When I Was Not Enough: Death of A Friendship

/ Megan

Seeing a friendship that was once vibrant with life and laughter die in front of your eyes can be a sad sight. As it takes its final breath, I have to remind myself that it could not be saved.

This friend tried to control me and when I did not do as she demanded, she would get angry with me. Looking back, I now see that I was not enough in her eyes and I’m alright with that.

My former friend and I were best friends since 2013 when we were roommates in university. I felt like I could tell her anything, that she would always be my right-hand woman on Team Megan.

Until 2016.

From then on our friendship began to die.

She did not approve of the man I started dating that year which brought distance between us. After my now ex-boyfriend left for Army basic training, she said that I had to either dump him or marry him immediately.

Those words furiously buzzed in my brain, I was so upset by them that they induced my first panic attack.

After that she and I didn’t spend time together for months until the guy dumped me.

She was present until I began my downward spiral of suicidal thoughts, severe depression, almost daily self-harming and intense anxiety. She refused to listen to my struggles, she couldn’t understand so she closed her ears.

From there I began to distance myself even more from her.

In June 2017 she asked if I would move in with her. I told her no because I just started a new job in April and did not want to leave my boyfriend that I started dating in January. Neither of these things she approved of in the first place.

She was angry with me. She was irritated that I did not drop everything for her. She wanted me to follow the path she was trying to establish for me.

The final straw for me was when she came up to visit me this May. She bought me coffee at my favorite local coffeeshop, sat me down and came for my throat. Figuratively.

She told me how she missed “college Megan” and that she could help me get “back on track” with my career. She began listing off mutual friends saying, “They are doing so well for themselves.”

I understood that as, they are doing great while I’m a loser.

I on the verge of bursting into tears. I couldn’t believe the person who was supposed to be my best friend was saying such hurtful words.

Once she finally left later that afternoon, I laid in my bed and cried.

The next day I texted her, I knew if I called I would cry. I told her she upset me with everything she said and that she made me feel like a failure.

She pulled a Kanye West! She said, “I’m sorry but…” My jaw dropped as she began to justify why she said those hurtful things. She was not sorry at all.

I was not enough for her.

My anxiety tells me that I’ve made a horrible mistake in losing her as a friend. That “if I only listened to her” I would somehow be better off.

My rational self says that I am doing fine without her.

Thank u, next.

47 thoughts on “When I Was Not Enough: Death of A Friendship”

  3. I’m so sorry for all you’ve had to endure. Comparing you to other college friends was not the thing to do though. You are you and there’s nothing wrong with that. Perhaps it is best that she is not part of your life? If she can not accept you for who you are with all your flaws and all. She shouldn’t be so judgmental on who you date either. Sure as a friend, she can offer advice or even have an opinion, but she shouldn’t be comparing or judging. Much love, Dottie 🌻

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  4. Sounds like you will be in a much better place without her unhealthy friendship. Doesn’t mean you can’t cherish the good days that you had. Ironically, you could easily say you miss the college version of her too!! Sorry for your pain. Stay strong though!

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  6. I feel your pain. I’ve had a similar friendship go the way of the dinosaurs just recently. I knew this girl since we were in kindergarten, and now we’re grown women with almost adult children. All my life she’s put her 2 cents in about what I should do as a career, what I should study and who I should date. She even managed to talk me into moving into her former rental with my boyfriend at the time because she was building a house and couldn’t afford to break her lease. It was the one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Not only was it more expensive than any other rental I’d been in, it led to the breakdown of my relationship with the father of my kids because we were always better as a couple when we lived apart.

    More recently, we’ve grown even further apart since she told me her son had physically abused her (hit her during an argument) and that she allowed him back in the house. I had my opinions on this of course, which she wasn’t happy with. Yet whenever something is going on in my life, she always has an opinion on it and I’m expected to not only accept it but to take her advice, or she gets snippy. Our friendship now is relegated to the occasional facebook private message/like, share etc. The gist of this post is that I agree with Dottie above, that she needs to accept you for who you are and what you choose to do with your life, as well as who you choose to spend it with. Unless that person is abusive toward you, she has no right to disapprove, compare or judge. I hope you can get a handle on your depression and anxiety, and please, please see someone about the self-harming. Even if you’re not doing it right now, it’s become an outlet and that’s dangerous.

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    • My goodness, that sounds awful! It makes me sad that your “friend” took advantage of you like that. Those “friends” always have to put in their 2 cents -_-

      Don’t worry, I have been doing pretty well with my mental health at the moment. I see a therapist so no need to worry!

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  9. It’s quite sad when you have a friend who feels the need to control your life and cannot control themselves. You do not need anyone’s approval to be who you are and you do not have to be validated by anyone except yourself.

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    • I haven’t really thought of it that way at all (her being protective). It’s possible, she just did a bad job at acting that out in a positive way. She also may have wanted me all to herself! It did seem that every romantic relationship set her off in one way or another.

      I appreciate your input, Pensive!

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      • Yup. That part was really interesting to me, Nic. I could somehow relate to your exbestfriend (being set off whenever my best friend tells of her exes, crushes and ideal guys, plus even her wishes to finally find someone to be with). That doesn’t mean I wanted us to have a romantic relationship though. But what I notice about myself is that every time Thea talks about her desire for a partner, I’d always feel inadequate. Somehow all my years of listening and caring for her seemed to have been insufficient. What else could she be looking for? Am I not enough?

        Well, although I am fully aware that Thea deserves to finally be with someone (after all her failed relationships), I still can’t get over with some of my feelings of inadequacy. I’ve been emotionally entangled with her. And so I am afraid of losing her and her care and our bond once she ties the knot with another.

        Now I am not certain whether my case could explain what your ex-bestfriend’s been going through, Nic. It’s actually my first time to find people online who are somehow experiencing my issues (I’m a newbie in this platform, anyway).

        But if it’s really her case, then I guess she’s quite afraid of telling you the exact reason why she left. If what I’ve been suspecting is true, then maybe she is afraid of losing you even more (to rejection if she told you).

        Well.. I’ll probably never know.

        Again, my best wishes for you, Nic. And you are welcome. 🙂

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      • This really opened my eyes, Pensive! When I dated my ex that I mention in this post, she had told me she was worried that our friendship would die because of that relationship. She was worried that she would be forgotten and pushed aside since I had somebody new in my life.

        Maybe that’s the whole thing! Maybe she is you and I am Thea. I’ve never given that a thought so thank you for sharing your insight!

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      • Whoa. I just read this after I posted what a gloomy new year’s eve and dawn I had.

        You’re welcome.

        And yes, Megan, maybe I’m really like your exbestfriend and you’re like Thea.

        Recently, I was once again having issues of being too sentimental and quite possessive on special occasions — the new year’s eve included. (https://pensivefeels.com/gloomy-new-year)

        You know, I’ve been feeling left out whenever she seems to have her own world, especially with other people, and particularly when I suspect their connection might get intimate.

        I don’t fully understand myself at the moment yet. Maybe though, you can provide me some more insights about how you’ve been reacting to your exbestfriend. I could find some help.

        Thanks ahead, Megan. I hope you’re doing well. Happy new year!

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      • Hello Megan. I’m having a hard time now coping with Thea’s growing relationship with someone. Could you perhaps shed some light on my situation? I read this post’s title again and well, I felt pain in my heart — I’m really affected by what’s currently happening between us. It’s I who’s not feeling enough right now. I know you’re like Thea and I’m like your exbestfriend, but rather than Thea saying “When I Was Not Enough” — it’s more like me now. Really. I could cry a river. 😦

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  13. Good for you for recognizing you deserve better. I have experienced this before, we don’t need anyone who brings us down and makes us feel less than. Surround yourself with people who know your worth. This person was only part of the story to show you that you deserve better and that there are others out there who will support you and want the best for you! Walking away is hard, but there is so much beauty on the other side!

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    • Thank you, BSY!! No, we don’t need people bringing us down. We need to lift others up!

      You’re so right. That friendship is just a part of my story and now I can go forward to find a better friend 🙂

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  14. Don’t you worry a hoot! Move away from these types of people. You’re a sweet, dear person who deserves wonderful friends. We’ve all come across them and they’re not good to have around. Stay positive, we’re all behind you! Katie x

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      • Awww you sweet thing! I’m an old bat compared to you, but I’ve learned a few things along the way. People will come and go in your life; there will be a tiny handful who remain through thick and thin whom you love as much as they love you. But the rest, will flit in and out of your life. The key is knowing when someone is better off flitting out and REMAINING out of your very precious life. It might be sad, it might be the end of an era making you want to hold on to them, but this is just our inner caveman wanting as many friends around us to help protect us from the sabre-toothed tiger and frankly not relevant today. You go girl! You grab life by the short and curlies and stick with happy, positive people who will encourage and bring out the very best of you! Katie x

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  15. Megan- I absolutely love reading your writing. I feel like we have quite a bit in common and could definitely compare horror stories! This reminds me of my ex best friend/roommate (I made the terrible choice and said Yes to living together).

    I hope (and from experience, I can say I am) you are happier now that this person is out of your life. Getting rid of toxic people is definitely always a struggle, especially with anxiety and depression wanting to hold on to any and every friend you have, but cutting toxic people out is SO much better than having them stay.

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    • Autumn, I am so happy that you enjoy my writing!! My depression usually tells me that I’m an awful writer and that nobody likes my work so I appreciate the validation 🙂

      Thank you for your kindness! Getting rid of toxic people is sometimes the best thing we can do for our own sanity.

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  16. Jealously I guess you looked better off without her. I heard of someone who had the same problem and she was doing better than her friend. Friends are suppose to be there for support and are secondary family. Such friends should not be called friends but I have no right to say that. I hope your doing well.

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  18. “Thank u, next” sounds like the better option to me. You deserve to be treated with respect, love, and to be encouraged and supported. She sounds like Debbie Downer. Even though I don’t know you, I believe in you! You are strong to write this blog post. I admire you.

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