I wake up covered in vomit. There’s a tinge of daylight outside the shed. It’s cold. So cold.
O God, no.
Why did you make me wake up? I pleaded with you, God. Did you not hear my voice? Did you not see my life? My struggle? WHY , God?
I lie in the vomit on the sandy floor and watch the sunlight creeping up, up, up in the sky.
A new day has dawned.
I am alive.
And so is the guilt.
What have I done? How will I explain this ? How, o God, will I carry on ?
It’s the thought of my son that gets me to move.
I walk to my car. Slowly. My legs are wobbly, my brain fuzzy, there’s a roaring in my ears. The world outside comes into focus, then disappears into a bleak black and white landscape. But I start the car.
I start the drive home.
(ps. This was a record of my 4th suicide attempt. I survived an overdose four times. During the above event I swallowed enough tablets to have killed me. They didn’t.
It is now ten years later.
My life has made a complete turnaround due to the correct medication, cognitive therapy and eventually Electroconvulsive therapy (ETC).
When I posted SNAKE (part 1) I ended up feeling like a fool.
I felt that the post was overly dramatic and that people who read it would think I was just looking for sympathy and attention.
But I feel that if someone ( even just one person ) read the post and saw the eventual positive turn my life took afterwards, I was prepared to feel a bit foolish!
Remember this :
The suicidal brain is not functional normally anymore. The suicidal state ( which I call “The Snake” ) is convincing the individual that THERE IS NO WAY OUT. It is hard to argue with your own brain when it has become suicidal. Your brain is telling you death is the only relief. But if we can just WAIT IT OUT for a few hours, the suicidal impulse does pass.
There was a time when my first impulse after an argument, a hurt, a rejection was to swallow endless amounts of pills.
I now have a warning and a reminder on the door of the medicine cupboard . It says :
“Die Jirre lief jou, Finish en Klaar!” ( Afrikaans for : God loves you. No Ifs and no Buts)
To me these words mean :
I hope my post has reached someone ready to end things.
I hope you WAIT. STOP. THINK.
And know that you are not alone. Your situation is not without hope.
“Die Jirre lief jou. Finish en KLaar!”
If you would like to read more I’d love for you to visit my personal blog about my life on a farm in South Africa and my career as a teacher at a rural Xhosa school.