The Bipolar Writer’s Recent Depression

/ James Edgar Skye

The Bipolar Writer is depressed. I hate admitting that, but it is the truth.

I always envision myself as a beacon of hope, especially in my recovery with depression. It never goes away, my depression, it is still there waiting for me–my familiar companion. In recent years, especially since starting this blog, I have had less depressive episodes, and my depression cycles have been manageable. I have a typical winter depressive cycle that begins in late October and usually goes until April, but in recent years it has been mild. I usually skip my summer depression, and it is what makes this all the harder to admit to myself first and here on my blog.

My current depression cycle is now almost two months long, and it has been harder for me in the last two weeks. I either can’t get to sleep even with Seroquel, or I oversleep. I wake more tired than the day before, and the lack of sleep is taking a toll on my mental health. I have had little desire to eat. I end up forcing myself to shower, brush my teeth, and get on with my day. It is not like the old days when I had no responsibilities. I can’t just lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. I am a graduate student, and I have a full course load at the moment.

For the first time in years, I have felt really hopeless when I am depressed, and while things always get better, I feel as if this is one of the worst depression cycles since the early days of my diagnosis of Bipolar One.

I am supposed to be stronger than this, and I feel obligated to write when things are right about ways to help people. I always turn away from writing when things are wrong in my life because I don’t want to be a burden on the community I have cultivated here. I have felt alone in all this because I have not reached out as much as I should here on my blog. The one place where I feel safe talking about depression.

My family knows what is going on, and that is good but beyond that? It feels like I am more alone in this depression cycle. What’s worse is the isolation from the world. I stay at home because it is the only place I feel safe and when I do leave my house I am a ball of mess. My depression is keeping me from working as much with my freelance work. I have just enough energy each day to get my school work done.

I could be in it for the long run, but I will try an update on how things are, and I am ever hopeful that things will turn around. It is funny, I had the worst manic episode (lasting close to a month) this year, and now I am in the midst of the worst depression cycle in a long time. Life is funny. Stay strong in the fight.

Always Keep Fighting

James

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39 thoughts on “The Bipolar Writer’s Recent Depression”

  1. I’m sorry. Feeling lonely and isolated is so hard, especially when depression is preventing us from reaching out and just asking someone to come hang out, which might help push the loneliness away for a time. Hell, I’ll have trouble just trying to chat with someone online, afraid my depression will seep into the conversation and push them away. I hope this cycle ends soon for you.

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    • It is the same for me. It’s why I try and not put too much on social media thought it’s hard sometimes because i feel lost and alone in my depression. I hope the cycle ends soon as well. I am getting busier with school and I need to be able to work.

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      • That’s where having an anonymous blog has helped, tremendously. When I’m down, I can write whatever the hell I want, and just slather the depression and loneliness all over the page without connecting it to fears about my friends and how they might view me after reading it.

        If you’re ever in the headspace where you just need a human connection even if it’s a stranger online, feel free to contact me via my blog, I’ll respond as soon as I can. (But I will say that sometimes reaching out to our preexisting friends yields better results than we think it will, if we can just push ourselves to do it.)

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  2. I’ve had these bouts many times in my life. You know if there was some magic saying I, or someone else in your world would say it. Sadly there isnt one. One day at a time man, we’re all rooting for you.

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  3. Sorry you’re having to deal with this again. Unfortunately I am all too familiar with how depression can seep into your life and take over again without you really realising. That sense of hopelessness is all consuming and really very powerful – Everything is such an effort too.
    Anyhow I have no magic solution other than try to see any positives, as hard that may be. Sometimes it’s the little things that keep us planting one foot in front of the other. Having said that, I really wouldn’t wish depression on my worst enemy so I’m not minimising it in any way. Ellory X

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  4. How old are you? My experience with mood swings is that they got worse in my forties – the depression episodes got longer and more intense, and the mania energy to recover disappeared. Life starts to unravel badly when this happens. If this describes you, talk with your psych / cognitive therapist / counselor on what might be done next.

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  5. You are not alone. I care and as bipolar to I have a glimpse into a depression that almost killed me but, as usual, Jesus brought me out. You know you will get better and I will pray tonight for you.

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  6. I wish I had some meaningful words to comfort you or at least help in some way. I get depressed, of course, we all do, but I have no idea what it is you are feeling. All I can do is hope that things lighten for you soon. Best of luck.

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  7. Your cycles seem to be kind of severe and I’m sorry I don’t have words to say that can heal you or drive your depression away. All I can do is send best wishes for your recovery all the way from a different continent 😊
    Hoping for better days! Keep fighting!

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  8. You make me feel normal as someone who suffers!!! In my recovery from my substance use disorder and in trying to handle my severe major depression, I have seen some great days. Lately, NO MATTER WHAT, depression seems to be winning. Reading this, let’s me know, it really never ends. Depressive episodes may still last and last. Thank you for letting me know I am not really failing in my attempts to live depression free!!!

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    • Depression does go away. It happens for many people and it can for you as well. Keep fighting. You can make it. It may take longer than you want but you can become mentally well by learning new coping strategies and finding the right medication and treatment for as long as you need. It does not have to be forever. Find your purpose in life. You have one. You matter. Much love and hugs, Sue

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      • You are very welcome and I am so happy you are finding your purpose. God saved my life. After I renewed my faith and surrendered myself to God my recovery began. I found a new hope and felt the joy, love and peace that can only come from the Holy Spirit. Just like faith… recovery is not a straight upward road, there are peaks and valleys and potholes,. The beauty is in the journey and knowledge, hope and faith that you will make it. With God everything is possible. Much love, hugs and prayers, Sue

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  9. I am very sorry to hear you are struggling so much James. Please look into the use of Klonopin. After I began Klonopin, I LOVED it at first just like you but then… my symptoms became worse and we blamed everything but the culprit–Klonopin. Like you I loved Klonopin at first… That was my story. Please just consider it. I have found through my many years of living with mental illness the best way to get the best information about psychotropic medications is from a pharmacist. After all medications are their specialty. Please ask a pharmacist if your depression could be worse. Just wondering when you started Klonopin. Your depression has been worse for two months. Is that how long you have been on Klonopn???? Just curious. I think we have to look at all possiblities and for years I overlooked what was right in front of me for two decades. I stopped Klonopin and now I feel better than I ever have. Can this be a coincidence? I don’t think so. Not for me…. Anyway. That is my story. I only share my story because it may help someone else. I care and you are in my prayers James. Much love, Sue

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  11. Hey. I was in a pychosis for 5 months and when I came back to reality… I was sick to my stomach depressed, everyday, for 6 months. I have changed my lifestyle. The Mediterranean diet and exercise has significantly helped with my depression. Just walking every other day will make a huge difference. I am sure you already know this. Exercise is the best medication with no side effects. I am on abilify and lamictal. I take. A certain type of fish oil and another supplement that I will have to look for name when I get home. It truly was a life saver. I’ve been hospitalized 2 times in the last year. The last time was for suicidal thoughts- I had a plan and wrote my goodbye letters.

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  12. Thanks for sharing. This post is is very interesting.

    I was reading a recent article regarding the meaning of Bipolar disorder also known as manic depression.
    There are a number of treatments for depression, varying according to the symptoms and the severity of the illness.
    Many people may be helped by their family physician, but some need more specialized treatment. The doctor might prescribe antidepressant medication or recommend some other form of assistance. Some people have experienced good results with herbal medications, dietary adjustments, or a controlled exercise program.
    With all being said we all look forward for a time when , Isaiah 33:24 foretells: “No resident will say: ‘I am sick.’

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  15. I fear I’ve been a bit depressed myself. I went through a manic episode and then bam, down I went, which is my typical. You are not a burden to this community. What we need is the real and raw truth of bipolar. I will be praying for you because that is what I do. And I sincerely mean that.

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