10 Things the Bipolar Writer is Afraid Of

/ James Edgar Skye

I thought this would be a great blog post to write. In my social anxiety life, there are things that I use (avoidance behaviors), and I wanted to write what are things that that scare me the most when I leave my house.

10 Things I am Afraid of in This Life

  1. Crowded Places scare me – I hate going to stores or malls because there are people. In my mind, I often think that people are judging me. That somehow they know I am Bipolar. How could they know?
  2. I am afraid of meeting new people –  I have never been good at making friends, although I have made some over the years. I have never been great at being the person that is openly open to meet new people. When I am at my favorite coffee shop, I tend to have my headphones on and drowning out the world.
  3. Dark places give me anxiety – I have not been to a movie theater since I had a terrible panic attack while watching a movie. It’s another place that gives me significant anxiety.
  4. I am afraid of being alone – It’s funny that I mention this because at the same time I revel in the introvert part of me. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have a fear of dying alone. I made a decision long ago to not bring a relationship into all of my issues. I have come so far, but my diagnosis ended my last relationship.
  5. I am afraid of failure – It has kept me from doing things over the years. I almost didn’t go back to college because I feared I would find a way to wreck things.
  6. I am afraid sometimes to drive – It wasn’t always so, but I have had my worst panic attacks behind the wheel of my car.
  7. I am afraid that one day I will go back – My biggest fear is that one day my depression will get me in a bad place I will turn to suicide again. Its highly unlikely but it is always in the back of my mind. When I get that way, I lose control. I never want to feel like this again, but its hard not to fear this truth.
  8. I fear someday my demons will come back – I fought my demons for so many years but they never honestly go away. I have worked out many through therapy, but it’s always a possibility.
  9. I fear being forgotten – This has happened to me before, and it was because I isolated myself from the world. I fear it could happen again and I will be forgotten.
  10. I fear not completing my goals – This is because I am my worst critic. What is worse what could happen if I fail at some point? I don’t deal well with failure in my past.

I hope you enjoyed!

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J.E. Skye

 

 

Photo Credit:

unsplash-logoAndrew Neel

unsplash-logoPete Pedroza

72 thoughts on “10 Things the Bipolar Writer is Afraid Of”

  2. Thanks for sharing. I’ve enjoyed reading a few of your blogs. I did have one question about the fear of being alone. I understand the fear of not wanting to bring someone (a significant other) into your struggles; however, doesn’t choosing not to be in a relationship ensure that your fear of being alone is certain?

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  4. Pingback: 10 Things the Bipolar Writer is Afraid Of « I Am My Own Island

  7. Pingback: So relatable! – Therapy Bits

  8. All very real fears I face as well. Going back to the darkest days being one of them for sure. The only light to that is knowing we got out of it before, we can do it again.

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  10. The best thing about this magnificent piece is that many can relate to it or even help them come to terms with some of the fears you listed. While I was reading, No. 9 stood out to me the most. I’ve always had that thought in the back of my mind, but I’ve always silenced it. I didn’t want people to think that I was self centered or anything that related to that term. For some, these reasons are absurd or childish, but for many these fears are very real and understandable and you are helping those who find comfort in isolation to step away, even for a little bit and realise that they are not alone. Thank you for giving us yet another beautifully written piece.

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    • Thank you for taking a moment to read my blog post. This was therapeutic for me to write and important to share. Fears are such a big part of mental illness especially when it comes to sharing our lives and knowing that what you say can be perceived in wrong ways.

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      • Yes, I absolutely agree. I have many fears due to my trauma and being able to share and know you are not alone is empowering. I always look forward to your writing piece. Once again, thank you for the honesty behind your words.

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  13. I can relate so much with No : 4 and 5. I also am highly afraid of being alone and due to my fear of failure I end up doing things which I know are stupid but I still end up doing them which result in my fear becoming a reality.

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    • I know what you mean. Those two are perhaps the worst for me especially #4. I hate being alone because it’s lonely out there when you are dealing with your issues solo. At same time I think how could I bring into my life someone who doesn’t know how it feels to be depressed or live with anxiety.

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      • Exactly. It’s so hard to bring another person in your life. It takes a lot out of you and the other person who doesn’t really understand why you do certain things and how certain every day routine things around you affect you.

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      • It’s the worst thing I have ever done. I regret it because she was amazing woman who was willing to live with someone like me. But there was no way I could do that to her. I was in such a dark place in my life.

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      • But now you are in a better place and I hope and wish the best for you. It was a hard decision but you didn’t want to hurt her so that’s why you did what you felt the right thing to do. You never know,love might come again in your life.

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  14. I’m afraid of many of these lists. I guess my biggest fears are crowded places, failure and the thought that everything will come back and not achieving my goals. I also have not been to the movies since more than two years because I felt anxious the last time I went. Thank you so much for sharing this ❤ You are such a great writer. The best thing we have to know is that most of the thoughts we have aren’t coming true. We are all in this together

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  15. Crowded places freak me out. I’m so claustrophobic. I’m afraid of many on this list. I hate being bipolar. I actually had a boyfriend break up with me because he couldn’t “handle” my “problem.” I haven’t dated since this. And that was back in 2008. I’m afraid of what people think of me.
    You are a great writer. Keep it up! 🙂
    And yes, we are all in this together!

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  17. Fear must ALWAYS have two components: 1. It must be powerful. 2. It must be present.
    I may have a fear of snakes, and they can certainly be powerful, but if one isn’t present, I have nothing to fear.
    You get to choose how things affect you and whether it has that much power over you.
    My friend, you are more powerful than your fears.
    Hugs.

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  21. Thanks for sharing. I have a lot of the same fears. I’m terrified to drive and no one in my life understands that one and I have a fear of not finishing my goals compounded by a fear that my anxiety is going to stop me from doing those things… Vicious circle. Anyway thanks again! It’s always good to know you aren’t alone!

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      • If you look at my current project James on my page we are developing a magazine in support of mental health, creativity & poverty. We are currently looking for more content to complete our first edition. I am really touched by your story & I wonder if you would send me a brief bio about yourself that I could feature in the mag. In addition to this we are accepting poetry, photography and articles with the theme of mental health poverty & poetry. I would appreciate your material being sent to my inbox twisethepoet@gmail.com once our first edition is ready for release we will be sure to put links to your social media on our page. I would like to also include your plans on your memoir. Many thanks

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      • Okay I can do that. I would love for you to feature either my depression poetry or one of my social anxiety pieces. I will work on something weekend and email you by Sunday if that works for you. It’s great what you are doing!

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      • You’re welcome. I think this could be a two way street. I’d love to feature what you are doing for your blog and magazine. Do you want to write something up and I can post it on my blog? I just hit 5,000 followers I’m sure it would help.

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      • Hey James. I hope you are well. I am still learning how to use wordpress! Forgive me for the late response. Your suggestion sounds great. Thanks for supporting P&P magazine. It is so important to us that artists like you are sharing your story. Definitely a two way street. Perhaps we can look at putting a donation page in the magazine to help fund raise creations such as your memoir. My email is twisethepoet@gmail.com for future reference. Please drop me your email where we can brainstorm together. Poetry & poverty magazine has future plans to go to print. As you are an early supporter we welcome you into the family. Peace & love.

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  23. Pingback: 10 Things the Bipolar Writer is Afraid Of | The Bipolar Writer – International Badass Activists

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  25. Is it weird that I love fear lists? I really appreciate you sharing this. 😊 I can relate to quite a bit of them. Especially the one with people in the store somehow knowing what you have and judging you for it. In my case, it’s Autism/SPD.

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  27. Hey, I was just thinking how it was weird how I was diagnosed with GAD, but experience the same fears like crowded spaces and the feeling of being judged, meeting new people, and dark places. How can I have almost identical fears that are caused by one type of anxiety when I have another?

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  28. Pingback: 10 Things You Should Know About The Bipolar Writer – The Bipolar Writer

  29. Oh James, we have so many things in common, mental health wise. I used to have terrible driving anxiety-there is hope, I am living proof. I wanted to say that I had so many issues when my husband met me, and they continued to get worse and worse. Then alcoholism, drug addiction, and a ton of emotional abuse………if you meet the right person, and I thank God every day for mine, they will love you heart and soul, for WHO YOU ARE. Dwain didn’t try to change me, or maybe he did, but he never stopped loving me, even when I was at my worst. HUGS ❤

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  31. No. 4 – Loneliness is a strange, strange thing. I’ve spent the large portion of my young adult life (almost 30 now) having no social life and it’s only now that I’m trying to step out and communicate with the world beyond the internet only to realise — I am so lonely inside a crowded room and I loath it. I leave my church in tears. I want to spent my life with someone, or even just make friends, but I’m either invisible or cannot understand the world I have suddenly entered. It is a strange paradox.
    No.6 – Driving is something I have been trying to work on slowly. I am getting better as time goes on. I used to be totally fine with it, zipping around wherever, and then after my migraines came on, it was like I suddenly just became terrified of driving. I’d get panic attacks and I hadn’t had them in a long time. It was awful and I couldn’t explain it to anyone – but I keep pushing on – thankfully having nephews to visit has helped. ^_^
    I hope you find some encouragement upon your journey. Even if its two steps forward, one step back, it’s still a step up the mountain towards an eventual victory.

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  32. You shouldn’t let your diagnosis keep you from finding a fulfilling relationship! There are people out there who just want to love on you, take care of you, and they know when to give you space and know how to deal with your highs and lows. I know this because I found a person like that. At the time I didn’t realize that I had these issues, but I love how they learned to adapt with me. I do believe you could have that too! Just don’t lose heart!

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