How do you make up your mind about how to live with a mental illness?
Receive an official diagnosis (Accept It)
Research your feelings, emotions, and behaviors online (You Change)
Ask your immediate circle about it (Look At The Situation Another Way)
Keep it to yourself and hope for a better day (Do Nothing)
Stop thinking about it and let it go (Leave The Situation)
Which option(s) did/have you chosen?
Really, just how well ARE they working out for you?
And, are you happy with the outcome of how you have chosen to live your life? If you aren’t, then it is because … You are complacent in the way things are because you BELIEVE you’ve tried everything, and you cope with that by hoping a clean slate and a fresh start is out there in the form of a next paycheck, the shrink-wrapped snack, the partner of your dreams or that television series everyone keeps talking about. When will you stop waiting for things in life to look up and actually do something about it for once?
Let’s start with the first and last thing you will ever need to understand why nothing seems to work in life for you, why you get sucked into melodramas, and perpetuate your own. There is more to mental illness than a mental health diagnosis.
The Energy Leadership Index (ELI) Assessment is an attitudinal assessment available exclusively by Energy Leadership Index Master Practitioners graduated as Certified Professional Coaches from the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching, or iPEC for short. Upon taking your assessment, your iPEC coach debriefs you on your results which reveal how proactive, reactive or stagnant you come at various aspects of your life. It is an integral tool for mental health. Perhaps, in some areas, you are more intrinsically motivated. In others, you may be more extrinsically motivated. For some reason, you hit your stride in one area of life and come up against walls in another. Living life with mental illness makes everything feel heavier and problems out of everything. The ELI is scientifically proven to measure success/ happiness/ satisfaction in life. You will not need to guess anymore why you feel the way you do about your life. With the individual ELI results unique to your “story,” your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs you play from the broken record player will shine through, and from that point on, your attitude becomes a choice.
You won’t need to have any more “small-talk” conversations with friends, family, and colleagues about how your life has been going. Talking is going to make you forget the guilt for the short term.
What is your long-term plan for timeless happiness?
Invest your rainy day savings here. Who do you know that is an iPEC Certified Professional Coach and can guide you in that first step toward integral mental health?
Walk the talk. We challenge you to believe you CAN teach yourself what you want your mental health to mean to you; rather than feeling helpless between medical appointments, find your iPEC Energy Leadership Index Master Practitioner with the lived experience that fits your professional realm, personal preferences, budget, etc…Follow the link here.
Did the authors, Kim and James, of this post appeal to you? James found out about the ELI through his life coach, an iPEC certified, and Energy Leadership Index Master Practitioner. Kim Johnson is currently taking persons incredibly uncomfortable looking in the mirror and terrified to learn how their mental health can become their ally. I know for me, looking in that mirror, I have come to realize that my worst critic is the person looking back at me every time I put that mirror up to my face. What if I told you it is an ally? It is…
Kim’s assessment link is available to be booked on my buy me coffee site below.
The ELI offered by Kim is not the answer to all your problems, but a comprehensive look at your situation right now. I have personally taken the ELI assessment twice, once in May of 2020 and again in March of 2021. The assessment is a call to action to make peace with the past, redeem yourself, and pursue the things you say you want in this life in a way that looks different than what you are currently trying and is not working.
Confront how you deal with stress and see how you use anabolic and catabolic energy in real-time. The energy that gives you liberties to enjoy life, the energy that makes you everyone’s and the world’s doormat, respectively. I won’t give anything away from my experience other than it is an eye-opening experience.
What Kim is offering in this package are the ELI Assessment and a debrief. The two ways that come are one-on-one debrief with Kim or possibly a group debrief on Saturdays. I, James Edgar Skye, am offering to be a part of that process if you trust me as an option because I know what it feels like to go through a debrief.
If you are interested, you can reach out to Kim Johnson directly at groundsforclarity@protommail.com and be open just to have a conversation about getting your ELI done TODAY. The debrief is typically done within 24 hours and on Zoom, but those details will be worked out with Kim and yourself. If there is a chance you want to jump right in, there is a special going on with my buy me a coffee website that you can purchase the ELI directly from me. Make sure to fill out the form that comes with the purchase. I will relay the information to Kim promptly, and she will reach out.
Just a reminder that The Bipolar Writer Collaborative Blog will be done as of March 12, 2021. I will leave it until my birthday on April 10 for the free version for WordPress and then be gone forever. I hope you come with me to @ Buy Me a Coffee. Support or become a member through the button below.
The Bipolar Writer Podcast Interview with Aby
My latest interview is with a dear friend. I call her Aby, and she is a member and moderator of the Infinity Warriors of Mental Health discord channel. I have known Aby for almost a year. It is an honor like always to share others’ stories, even those that I know personally.
Desiree Loeven – pen name Aby Kittiwake. She is a mother of 3 and married for over 18 years, writes poetry and fosters animals in her spare time. She belongs to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and her faith means everything to her. She is diagnosed with ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, and C-PTSD.
How can you become an interviewee? Just email me @ thebipolarwriterpodcast@gmail.com.
I will record the Zoom interviews and use Anchor.fm to put the podcast on different platforms like Spotify and Apple Podcast or anywhere you listen. The only thing that will go live will be the audio file, and while I save my interviews, it will be on my cloud. The podcast is all about exploring the stories of depression, self-harm, anxiety, suicide, mental health issues today, mental illness stories, and everything in between. I would love for you to be one of the people who began on the Bipolar Writer Podcast’s ground floor. Thank you for your time, and you can use the contact page.
It is my hope for The Bipolar Writer Podcast to become fully listener-supported. You can become a supporter of the podcast here. You can also support the podcast by clicking the button below, where you can buy me a coffee.
So how can you support The Bipolar Writer Podcast and James Edgar Skye? Well, there are several ways.
There is becoming a listener supporter through the anchor.fm where I do my podcast episodes. That link is here. It is simple to support Apple Pay or a credit card for once month, and you can end your support whenever it feel right to you. There are options for $0.99, $4.99, and $9.99, and all options will go 100% to the podcast. No need to create an account.
Last is Buy Me A Coffee, a great platform in my mind and where I want to grow most of my lister support for the Podcast, blog, and in some ways, my writing. You can be a monthly subscriber or a one-time supporter. There are options for extras that include one on one mental health advocacy Zoom call, where you can ask mental health questions about blogging, tiers with my books, and other unique extras. The options for payments are credit card or PayPal. Soon, my support website Buy Me a Coffee will be t-shirts, mugs, and stickers available as soon as I get all that together with more support. You can click the button below.
Just a reminder that The Bipolar Writer Collaborative Blog will be done as of March 12, 2021. I will leave it until my birthday on April 10 for the free version for WordPress and then be gone forever. I hope you come with me to @ Buy Me a Coffee. Support or become a member through the button below.
Hi, my name is Jess, I’m a Latina in my mid 30’s I’m a mom & wife, and I am diagnosed with GAD & Panic disorder. It’s an honor to be on here to speak my truths about my mental health & advocate for this movement with James. I want to continue to break the stigmas about mental illness among our communities of people of color. I have my own blog called She’s Hiatus. It’s my muse of self-expression through my writing from poetry, my life experiences & fictional pieces. I’m also introducing a movement called “she’s hiatus,” which serves as a reminder that it’s essential to stop & smell the roses. Life is full of hustle & bustle. We need to allow ourselves to go hiatus to work on ourselves, do things that we enjoy, be present with ourselves & loved ones by keeping those moments simple, private & just BE.
Learning how to find balance in life and especially managing our virtual life nowadays is vital for our mental health & overall wellbeing since it can be so time-consuming. I also feature a remarkable collection of stories from amazing & brave women called “Her story.” This collective brings a voice to women of color that share their personal life experiences with me & the world. This ongoing project holds great sentimental value with me & it’s an honor to be part of it.
How can you become an interviewee? Just email me @ thebipolarwriterpodcast@gmail.com.
I will record the Zoom interviews and use Anchor.fm to put the podcast on different platforms like Spotify and Apple Podcast or anywhere you listen. The only thing that will go live will be the audio file, and while I save my interviews, it will be on my cloud. The podcast is all about exploring the stories of depression, self-harm, anxiety, suicide, mental health issues today, mental illness stories, and everything in between. I would love for you to be one of the people who began on the Bipolar Writer Podcast’s ground floor. Thank you for your time, and you can use the contact page.
It is my hope for The Bipolar Writer Podcast to become fully listener-supported. You can become a supporter of the podcast here. You can also support the podcast by clicking the button below, where you can buy me a coffee.
So how can you support The Bipolar Writer Podcast and James Edgar Skye? Well, there are several ways.
There is becoming a listener supporter through the anchor.fm where I do my podcast episodes. That link is here. It is simple to support Apple Pay or a credit card for once month, and you can end your support whenever it feel right to you. There are options for $0.99, $4.99, and $9.99, and all options will go 100% to the podcast. No need to create an account.
Last is Buy Me A Coffee, a great platform in my mind and where I want to grow most of my lister support for the Podcast, blog, and in some ways, my writing. You can be a monthly subscriber or a one-time supporter. There are options for extras that include one on one mental health advocacy Zoom call, where you can ask mental health questions about blogging, tiers with my books, and other unique extras. The options for payments are credit card or PayPal. Soon, my support website Buy Me a Coffee will be t-shirts, mugs, and stickers available as soon as I get all that together with more support. You can click the button below.
It has been a fantastic run for me here on WordPress. I have been able to add authors, share others’ stories, and above all, share my journey with mental illness on this platform Since 2017! What a run. Over 1600 posts, 304,000 views, almost 15,000 followers, countless authors who became a part of the blog, and the plethora of comments made The Bipolar Writer Blog a success over the years. All good things come to an end.
The Bipolar Writer is my brand and moniker. I will be moving to two platforms. The first being Buy Me a Coffee, where my blogging will continue as The Bipolar Writer blog. The second will be The Bipolar Writer Podcast, where I will continue to share the community’s stories by giving a place to share your voice. The end of this blog is set for March 12, 2021, and you will see some of the last blog posts in the coming days.
As much as I have enjoyed WordPress and sharing my experiences for free, I learned a valuable lesson in 2020, that monetizing is the way to go, and Buy Me a Coffee is a better version of Patreon, and it allows you, the follower of this blog, to become a part of my blogging, podcasting, and writing. I hope many of you will come over to the new platform. The great thing is that you can do one-time support or become a member and reap the benefits like signed copies of my books, t-shirts, and many more to come in 2021.
I am not ruling out a return to TheBipolar Writer Blog this summer, but I have a significant project, The Many Faces and Voices of Mental Illness, my advocacy work with the podcast, and plenty of work within the advocacy realm in the future. I am running a special, purchase 5 coffees in the next 24 hours and get a free lifetime membership. This platform will allow me to do so much advocacy work.
The emails over the years, the connections that I had, the people that reached out will continue on the new platform. You can use the button above or below to join. I encourage you that if you have liked the blog’s content to consider coming over and being a part of something unique, new, and memorable. This blog brought me so much joy over the years, and I hope to continue that on a new platform. It is indeed time for me to move on from WordPress.
I wanted to share my experiences as James Edgar Skye with the ups, the downs, even the negatives and positives of life. I shared what I went through, which was a lot in 2020, with my mother’s loss in December 2019, and it changed my world. I still went through immense pain, and I am trying my best to continue to work on my inner I with living in the now. Life coaching was a major part and was suicidal thoughts that I endured. I felt the feels and was more vulnerable to others outside of me than at any point on this journey. Join me as I talk about what 2020 meant to me, The Bipolar Writer and James Edgar Skye.
How can you become an interviewee? Just email me @ thebipolarwriterpodcast@gmail.com.
I will record the Zoom interviews and use Anchor.fm to put the podcast on different platforms like Spotify and Apple Podcast or anywhere you listen. The only thing that will go live will be the audio file, and while I save my interviews, it will be on my cloud. The podcast is all about exploring the stories of depression, self-harm, anxiety, suicide, mental health issues today, mental illness stories, and everything in between. I would love for you to be one of the people who began on the Bipolar Writer Podcast’s ground floor. Thank you for your time, and you can use the contact page.
It is my hope for The Bipolar Writer Podcast to become fully listener-supported. You can become a supporter of the podcast here. You can also support the podcast by clicking the button below, where you can buy me a coffee.
So how can you support The Bipolar Writer Podcast and James Edgar Skye? Well, there are several ways.
There is becoming a listener supporter through the anchor.fm where I do my podcast episodes. That link is here. It is simple to support Apple Pay or a credit card for once month, and you can end your support whenever it feel right to you. There are options for $0.99, $4.99, and $9.99, and all options will go 100% to the podcast. No need to create an account.
Last is Buy Me A Coffee, a great platform in my mind and where I want to grow most of my lister support for the Podcast, blog, and in some ways, my writing. You can be a monthly subscriber or a one-time supporter. There are options for extras that include one on one mental health advocacy Zoom call, where you can ask mental health questions about blogging, tiers with my books, and other unique extras. The options for payments are credit card or PayPal. Soon, my support website Buy Me a Coffee will be t-shirts, mugs, and stickers available as soon as I get all that together with more support. You can click the button below.
The Bipolar Writer Podcast is new, with over twenty episodes either scheduled or have gone live under my belt, but I am always looking for new people within the mental illness community to share their stories. You can be anonymous, with a pseudonym that you use or your real name. You can promote your work if it is blogs, mental illness/mental health podcasts and topics, your books, podcasts, and really anything you want, but the central part will be your mental illness story.
I record the Zoom interviews and use Anchor.fm to put the podcast on different platforms like Spotify and iTunes. The only thing that will go live will be the audio file, and while I save my interviews, it will be on my cloud. The podcast is all about exploring the stories of depression, self-harm, anxiety, suicide, mental health issues today, mental illness stories, and everything in between. I would love for you to be one of the people who began on the Bipolar Writer Podcast’s ground floor. Thank you for your time, and you can use the contact page or email me directly @ thebipolarwriterpodcast@gmail.com. You can also leave a comment below.
It is my hope for The Bipolar Writer Podcast to become fully listener-supported. You can become a supporter of the podcast here. You can also support the podcast by clicking the button below, where you can buy me a coffee.
So how can you support The Bipolar Writer Podcast and James Edgar Skye? Well, there are several ways.
There is becoming a listener supporter through the anchor.fm where I do my podcast episodes. That link is here. It is simple to support Apple Pay or a credit card for once month, and you can end your support whenever it feel right to you. There are options for $0.99, $4.99, and $9.99, and all options will go 100% to the podcast. No need to create an account.
Last is Buy Me A Coffee, a great platform in my mind and where I want to grow most of my lister support for the Podcast, blog, and in some ways, my writing. You can be a monthly subscriber or a one-time supporter. There are options for extras that include one on one mental health advocacy Zoom call, where you can ask mental health questions about blogging, tiers with my books, and other unique extras. The options for payments are credit card or PayPal. Soon, my support website Buy Me a Coffee will be t-shirts, mugs, and stickers available as soon as I get all that together with more support. You can click the button below.
I wrote this poem on April 3, 2015. I was in a dark place. I was close to suicide for the first time since 2010. I had been mourning my grandfather and my life was in a bad place. I was in the depression cycle that started in the summer of 2014 and didn’t end until the summer of 2015. I haven’t had a depression cycle quite as long as this cycle.
This poem is one of my more darker free thought poems. I just wrote what I was feeling.
Please join me on my new platform buy me a coffee as a supporter or member. Members get some unique extras the longer that you are a member. I am coming up with t-shirts, mugs, and other great gear for those who become outstanding members.
My Darkest Depression
I know it has been a long while… I have been lost. Depressed. And even tittering on the edges of suicidal thoughts.
It has really just been that way. I am so afraid. So afraid of what could happen. What might happen? The truth? I am going down a road that I may never come back from again. It scares me to death. I know the signs and yet here I am. Afraid. I am really just a mess so much lately. Most nights I really want to cry.
So I cry myself to sleep. Wishing. Wishing that I don’t wake the next day. Yet, here I am. Awake again. Another day. More struggles. I often think that God hates me. That I hate myself so much that God has given up on me. Let’s face it, I would give up on me. It is a wonder that no one wants anything to do with me.
Is there something I can do, probably not. My life is this mess, the mess I created. The Chaos.
It’s not gonna change—I tell myself that every night. It has become me, my past is present. It might be my future. What does all this mean anymore? I continue to perish in the darkness. Forever. Darkness, my best friend, and worst enemy. Depression my familiar companion, you never leave me.
This is perhaps the most critical topic I have covered on The Bipolar Writer blog. It is the most talked about, and today as I write some new posts for the remainder of the week. I wanted to repost this blog post because there has been so much feedback posted on this post. I think other than my posts on suicide, bullying, and mental health is vital to ending the stigma surrounding mental illness.
It is always the goal of this blog to be informative. At the same time, I want to share my experiences on the topic in question. I wanted to write today about the realities of bullying and effects it can have on mental health when we are younger.
It was different when I was a kid. The technology that our kids (whether they be your child, a niece, or a nephew) have at their disposal changed the game when it came to bullying
Any expert will tell you that bullying at a young age can cause serious emotional distress. and even develop into mental disabilities.
I can remember some level of bullying when I was a child. In my own experiences, I am not sure if it affected my mental illness as much. In middle school, the bullying I received could have been one reason for later issues. It could be why in high school I became a loner introvert. When depression became a constant companion in my teenage year’s bullying didn’t help.
In my own experiences. Other things in my childhood have more bearing in what were causes in my mental illness, but I won’t discuss that here.
In my middle school years my bullying was for being geeky (I played video games and D & D) had some bearing.
It’s different in today’s world. I can remember in my early twenties with MySpace and Facebook online bullying was taking shape. I am going to age myself a bit. I can also remember when chat rooms were big when I was a teenager. It often was a place for online bullying for those that were different.
Bullying can cause so much damage at a young age. It could interfere with social development. I became more myself when I was alone. I reveled in it. But it made it harder for me to be social in high school. It’s one of the causes of my social anxiety now.
It can hurt your self-esteem the more bullying takes place in your life. I know the bullying I received in middle school for being a teacher’s pet or a geek it often made me depressed. I can even remember times when I was anxious to go school during my high school years.
I remember once talking on MySpace about my cutting and self-harm. I got such negative remarks from people because it’s such a taboo subject. The ridicule I received was that of an outsider in the normal world. When I took such lengths at such a young age (my teenage and first years of adulthood) it people used it against me. So I became more secretive and hid in shame.
n the last ten years, I have seen bullying turn to mental health issues for others on a global scale. I have seen people bullied online for going through depression or self-harm. People tend to not realize that those of us who talk about these issues might be reaching out. Talking about self-harm or suicide might be the last ditch hope to have someone listen.
The biggest thing I want to talk about here is for parents. It’s important to talk about bullying with your kids. It is paramount if your kids are starting to show signs of mental illness. If you are looking for things like prolonged depression or constant anxiety it will show up. You can watch. Ask questions.
Don’t be afraid to check your teen’s social media. It is the biggest place that I have seen the most bullying in today’s world. I can’t imagine going through bullying during the day at school. Then you go online and you subjected to bullying there too. So many teens spend so much time in the digital world it’s become the breeding ground of online bullying.
We see the stories all the time, and I mean those of us in the mental health community. Kids so young taking their lives because bullying is such a major part of their daily routine. It becomes too much and we lose human beings who only want to be kids.
This saddens me that so many young kids and teens are losing hope and turning to suicide. Bullying is a big part of this problem. I am not a parent but I have nieces at the elementary, middle, and high school levels. Sometimes the most silent of us is being hurt the most. Words can cut deep. It’s important for parents to be active in their child’s life. Down the road, it could lead to an undiagnosed mental illness.
I was twenty-two when I was first diagnosed and no one realized I was in a bad place for so many years.
This part of the post is for those that are suffering from bullying and see no way out.
Writing my memoir has made me realize a lot of things. If I would have talked to my parents about how deep my depression was at fourteen I might have gotten the help I needed. I struggled so much because I left things unsaid. It was until I was in my early twenties before it got so out of control that I chose to commit suicide.
With technology overwhelming us with so much negative every day and with so much bullying online, its become a major issue. The human beings that we are losing are getting younger and younger.
On both sides, parents, and kids, the most important thing is to communicate with one another. It was a different world I grew up in. The stigma was tougher for those of suffering and it was easier to not talk about a mental illness. But this thinking in my mind now is wrong. You must talk about bullying and how it can lead to a mental illness down the road in your own life.
That’s the biggest mistake you can make in this life.
I am speaking to parents, children, teens, young adults, and even adults. We say such hurtful thing to one another on social media as adults. What are we teaching our children?
Learn from the mistakes I made.
I write these blog posts because the topics mean a lot to me. I want to be a voice. But those of us in mental illness community that have experience, have to be a more active voice for the younger generation.
I am adding a new thing to my blog. I will ask my fellow bloggers to share their own experiences with bullying and mental illness. Not just in my comments on this blog. In your own blog space.
I challenge you to, if you can, share your own experiences and add to what kids, teens, and young adults can do to combat bullying in a technological world.
The masks we wear in our mental illness hide the real people that we are inside. I have spent most of my life hiding behind the many different masks that I wore to protect myself from feeling my emotional pain in front of the world.
One of the most common themes in my life is the mask that I have had to wear throughout my diagnosis and even the masks before my diagnosis. The mask, or even masks, were the result of trying to hiding the demons that I was fighting internally both spiritually and within my own mind.
When I put on a mask it was to make it seem, if only for a moment, as if I was as normal as any person standing next to me. My mask was always a happy facade that people had to buy because I never let anyone inside see the real me.
The mask has changed over time, but it really just changed because of the situation that I found myself in. I think one of the issues that make men and women within the mental health community wear their masks is that there is such a harsh stigma about the people with mental illnesses.
So much judgment goes with having a mental illness that it is just easier to hide who we really are to the outside world. I can remember people telling me, “well why can’t you just get better. The rest of the world has to get up and do things, why can’t you?” Often, when I would post on social media how I really felt, it would garner negative reactions which made me turn even more inward to hide behind my mask.
One of the worst things is when people say is, “why can’t you just be normal?”
Since my early teen years, I saw this stigma on mental illness on a daily basis. People around me made fun of “those people” with mental illnesses and it scared me. I did nothing about it in my own life of course, and I even went along with the teasing to try and fit in with the crowd. I just didn’t understand my own private suffering and failed to see that perpetuating the stereotype of mental illness was my own way of hiding.
As a teen, people who thought about suicide or self-harm were looked at as outsiders and I was one of them. At the time I didn’t believe that people could get depressed. I was that young, even though I was dealing with depression on the daily basis, I just didn’t understand. One of the first masks that I wore was that of a normal teenage kid.
This version of myself did what normal kids do, I had friends who were normal and I was as active as an introvert could be in school. I joined a group of teenagers called the Sheriff Explorers (an offshoot organization of the Boy Scouts that involved law enforcement) and I was active in the activities weekly because my parents wanted me to do something productive. I had to be normal on the outside but I was always a mess inside. My mask was very good at hiding the real me.
I was even good at becoming a part of the group, and I even became part of the leadership of this group moving through the ranks quickly and making the rank of captain of the organization by the time I was eighteen.
At times it came naturally to be this version and wear this mask, but for the most part, it was a front because there were so many days I felt not normal, so much on the outside.
So I pretended to be a part of the group. I made it seem as if everything was perfect in the outside world and it made me feel good that when people looked up to me they didn’t see the mask, but it was there. They saw what I wanted them to see.
When I aged out of explorers and lost the leadership position it was hard to let go of this mask. I think at some level I loved the power I had when people looked up to me. The way people talked about this great person I was even though inside I was screaming with emotional pain. I could be someone else for a time, something I often felt when I put on my mask. It hurt and it is no surprise when I lost this mask and I had to deal with my emotional pain my depression spiraled into my first suicide attempt.
As an adult, I continued to wear masks. The hard worker mask was always my favorite mask. This version of me was always early to work and always worked hard. The praise I got from my bosses and co-workers only helped the mask become more defined. I could hide who I really was for eight hours a day, only to be consumed by darkness every night. I didn’t mind wearing this mask because it gave me the ability to leave my house and do things. I could go for long drives to clear my mind or go to the beach and watch the waves or the people living their lives. I often isolated myself as an adult, but I did things with people at least once a week like going to the movies to “feel something.”
When my life changed after my diagnosis my mask became a reason to lie to people. When I attempted to commit suicide for the first time I had to create a new mask. This version of myself told people “I am okay. It was a mistake.” I told that to my doctors, nurses, family members, and basically anyone who would listen. The mask helped me reconcile the fact that I was in so much emotional turmoil that I couldn’t let people in, and it became my shield against dealing with the pain.
In my mind, I was getting really good at hiding who I truly was to others and it showed in the fact that all three times that I tried to commit suicide in the first three years of my diagnosis it was a surprise to my family. It was less a surprise that I was capable of doing such unspeakable things, my family came to expect it from me, but the timing was always weird. It would be after spending time with my family as I lulled them into thinking that things were okay. I would go to my doctors’ appointments (which were always accompanied by my mother during this time) and talk about wanting to improve and get better. It was always a lie and yet another mask I would wear. I got really good at hiding my emotional turmoil in my mind.
I have talked about the years I lost with my depression cycles especially early on in my diagnosis. I even lost a year and a half between the last time I worked and my first suicide attempt. I think the only time I ever took off my mask was those moments where I could be alone. I found that role-playing games became a great place of solace for me because I could be someone else for a change. I could be the hero in the story where in my world I was the guy who was always depressed and liked to fail at committing suicide. The mask would come off in those hours and though my emotional pain was strong I could deal with my life for a time. It’s possible that this was just a different version of myself again because I never dealt with my issues until after my last suicide attempt, and even then it was years before I could write about my life.
I never imagined I would be a place in my life where I would be able to talk about my mental illness or the masks that I wore. One of my favorite masks, only because it was really tragic, was the boyfriend mask I wore in my relationships. The last relationship that I had been in the middle of one of the worst depression cycles in my life. I tried to be the good boyfriend. I bought her things and spent time with her. We had a good relationship, but when I was diagnosed the mask became heavy. Pieces of the real me starting to seep through the mask. My girlfriend saw some of the real me and I panicked. I ended the relationship with my girlfriend and closed myself off from letting people become a part of my life.
It is so hard for me now to even seek companionship now because I am afraid of showing all that I am. Even as I write my memoir, my relationships have always been the hardest to write about at this moment. I haven’t had a relationship in ten years because I am afraid— afraid of letting people into my life. I’d rather be alone where I am most comfortable. To the world, it’s another mask I wear.
I never wanted the world to see my weakness when it came to who I am when I get depressed or even manic. I can only speak for myself when I say that my masks were there to protect myself from the world seeing my emotional pain and that has been my best friend for most of my life. At my weakest moments, I hid from the world because it was a familiar feeling.
It was about three years after my last suicide attempt that things started to change in my life. It started small. When I came to the realization that suicide was never the answer to the issues I became more open to my psychiatrist. When I was finally able to get a therapist, I found that I could be open in a controlled environment. It was never easy, and even now almost three years into my time with my therapist I still keep things hidden from her. I have been willing to be more open and take off the many masks of my life. Just recently I talked to her about a friend who asked me to help her do something unspeakable and it was tough to talk about, but I found a way.
I have learned to be better and more open to the world about who I am with my family, my therapist, at times by many psychiatrists. The blog that I write, and of course with my memoir, has been my way of shedding my masks over the years. It took me years after my last suicide attempt to get to a place where I could open up.
I only started to get better when I removed the mask and let people in. In my mind, I still wear pieces of my many masks. In a way, it shattered when I finally opened up about my life. I can say the more that I write here and be open to my readers the more the pieces of the mask disappear. The more I can be effective the better I feel.
I know how wearing a mask in your mental illness can be a means to hide from the real world. The reason I decided to write about the masks that I wore in my life is so that those of us in the mental illness community can start to take their masks off and share their experiences with the world. I think the more open that we are with the world the better the stigma on mental illness can start to change. It gets tiring to hear mental illness only talked about when there is a tragic mass shooting and the people involved being “mentally ill.” It matters to me that this is how parts of the world see people with mental illnesses.
What I have learned in my experiences is that there are so many people hiding in silence behind the mask simply because it is better to not have people “fix them.”
For those who know people with a mental illness be understanding that it takes time to remove the masks that we wear. My people, those with a mental illness, are good people. I have met so many people willing to remove the mask but fear what that means in their lives. People tell me, “if only more people understood that I can’t just get better instantly” and I understand that feeling to want to hide behind a mask.
It became easier the more that I write about the masks that I have worn in my mental illness. It is liberating to no longer always have the mask on. There are still times where I feel the need to wear the mask but it is much thinner than it used to be. Someday it will be gone. Maybe when I have finished sharing my life in this memoir with the world.
I wanted to share an episode of The Bipolar Writer Podcast that is not part of the regular season one. It is outside the regular episodes. These are like regular episodes that I share my experiences with, but they are usually a stream of consciousness: the microphone and the audience.
These episodes, unlike the other episodes, these are not as structured. I like these, and I always post them right after recording them, so I do not have the chance to focus too much on editing or what I said. It is about living wholly in the moment and the now. I hope you enjoy!
The Bipolar Writer Mental Health Blog 
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