I wrote this poem on April 3, 2015. I was in a dark place. I was close to suicide for the first time since 2010. I had been mourning my grandfather and my life was in a bad place. I was in the depression cycle that started in the summer of 2014 and didn’t end until the summer of 2015. I haven’t had a depression cycle quite as long as this cycle.
This poem is one of my more darker free thought poems. I just wrote what I was feeling.
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My Darkest Depression
I know it has been a long while…
I have been lost.
Depressed.
And even tittering on the edges of suicidal thoughts.
It has really just been that way.
I am so afraid.
So afraid of what could happen.
What might happen?
The truth?
I am going down a road that I may never come back from again.
It scares me to death.
I know the signs and yet here I am.
Afraid.
I am really just a mess so much lately.
Most nights I really want to cry.
So I cry myself to sleep.
Wishing.
Wishing that I don’t wake the next day.
Yet, here I am.
Awake again. Another day. More struggles.
I often think that God hates me.
That I hate myself so much that God has given up on me.
Let’s face it, I would give up on me.
It is a wonder that no one wants anything to do with me.
Is there something I can do, probably not.
My life is this mess, the mess I created.
The Chaos.
It’s not gonna change—I tell myself that every night.
It has become me, my past is present. It might be my future.
What does all this mean anymore?
I continue to perish in the darkness. Forever.
Darkness, my best friend, and worst enemy.
Depression my familiar companion, you never leave me.
by James Edgar Skye
Always Keep Fighting.
What is the worst that can happen?
James Edgar Skye
Visit my author website at http://www.jamesedgarskye.me
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The Bipolar Writer Mental Health Blog 
What are the signs of depressions?
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signs of depressions?
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There are a lot of signs. Messy room. Messy life. Can’t get out of bed in the morning. Depressive thoughts that are negative. Thoughts of suicide or self harm.
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This really hurt to read to be honest. This is exactly what my depression feels like. The worst part is when you feel like you are getting better but a certain trigger reminds you of how broken you really are. This story resonates with me so deeply. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story through this thought provoking poem. I hope things have been getting better for you since you wrote this.
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I have been getting better every year. I wrote it in 2015 I believe when I was in a bad depression cycle. Since I entered therapy it’s helped. I started this blog. I wrote my memoir. I’ve come a long way.
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It definitely shows. I really enjoyed looking through your website briefly and seeing how you managed everything. I’ve been getting therapy as well and it’s been a process. Far from over but I know it’s better than trying to fight depression and anxiety alone.
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I’m fairly new to WordPress and blogging – unfortunately not to bipolar, I have cyclothalmia. Jame’s blog and experiences resonate powerfully, as you say, and are very helpful to others, therapeutic in themselves. I’m trying to get a feel for whether there is any kind of networking, any kind of focusing anywhere in the blogosphere that addresses and employs the medium as therapy, or if it’s all individual. If you have time, I’d really appreciate any thoughts you have in this area. Stephen
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I’m glad to read you’re doing so much better; it gives me hope for some of my loved ones to do the same. If you have time, I’d like to share a poem I wrote with you: https://redstringpapercuts.com/2017/11/02/moonlit-musing-vulnerable/
Reading your poem reminded me of why I wrote it. Much love, and good luck!
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Glad to know you’re an overcomer! Way to be a voice and sharing so as to help others… God does love you James!! HE brought you through to help others too…
suicidenotmyheart.wordpress.com
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Thank you. I am only hear by Gods grace, he saved me in 2010 and put me on this path.
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close to tears reading this. i have felt many times the same way you described in your free verse, and my heart goes out to you. thank you for being so strong and sharing your story–so happy to see you where you are today 🙂
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Thank you. It was a tough time in my life. But I became stronger. It was great to share this with my blog. Thank you for your kind words as always.
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thank you for sharing.
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Beautifully written and extremely relatable. You are great at conveying your emotions through writing
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Thank you so much! I am not great at poetry but it feels great to know I am great at conveying my emotions. That’s always the goal.
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You’re better than you think you are 🙂
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Thank you.
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I hope you are much better now, and that you’re happy and at peace with yourself.
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I am. I still battle with depression but no where near where I was in 2015. I am still looking for my peace but that is a journey that will take me a while.
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You’re a very brave person 🙂 . I hope you find your peace in this life.
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Hi James – just put a similar comment on one of your replies.
I’m fairly new to WordPress and blogging – unfortunately not to bipolar, I have cyclothalmia. your blog and experiences resonate powerfully, therapeutic in themselves. I’m trying to get a feel for whether there is any kind of networking, any kind of focusing anywhere in the blogosphere that addresses and employs the medium as therapy, or if it’s all individual like yours. If you have time, I’d really appreciate any thoughts you have in this area. Stephen
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Ask me anything and I will do my best to answer what I can
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Thanks, James, appreciate that. Found a few blogs that refer to poetry/writing/blogging as therapy but nothing yet that addresses the subject directly. I think yours has the most gravity in that respect – maybe the oblique approach is the best. Thanks, anyway, great work, huge effort – much appreciated. Stephen
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Apart from imbalances in the brain, I also think depression might be a demonic infestation. For example, some people get depressed living in certain environments and it stops when they move out or leave
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Wow…👏👏👏
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I think now you have passed that depression stage … But, sometimes Art flourishes when the creater/artist is depressed.
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I know at you mean. This poem was written at my darkest and it showed so much of who I am as a writer
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And, by the words you used I can say that you are a good writer … !
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Very well done, very authentic. I too am quite familiar with the chaos.
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Just now I wanna write about it. The struggle never stops and I am in this same blackhole too.
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I am sorry to hear you are still living with the darkness. Keep fighting. It does eventually get to point where you can manage.
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It is tiring enough that it comes and goes just as it pleases. Thanks for the inspiration.
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Reblogged this on A day in the life of Mummy2four.
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Thank you for being willing to be so vulnerable for our benefit.
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Thank you for your kind words..
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Loved this. The way you’ve poured your heart out blatantly speaks volumes of your personality. Great!
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Thank you for your kind of words.
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Really well expressed James. Depression is something that is so hard to explain to others – it is such a personal and dark feeling, which makes it so difficult to put into words. I try to think about ‘riding the waves’ to remind myself that it’s important to stay afloat and to keep moving … and who knows where the waves will take you.
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As someone who was diagnosed this year (my first year of university), I wanted to thank you for sharing such a painful moment. It’s so helpful to know that other people get it and to see you make something so awful into such beautiful art.
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Thank you. I am very self conscious about my poetry. I am great at it. But I put raw emotions into this one.
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My god, this made me cry…because it makes me feel that maybe we are not all alone fighting this.
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You are not alone. I am glad that my poem touched your heart. It means the world to me for people to know that they are not alone in this fight. Always keep fighting.
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So beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
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Thank you for your kind words. I never thought I’d get so much positive feedback from my poetry. I am not a great poet by any stretch of the imagination but I know the raw power of writing real life.
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Reblogged this on NANMYKEL.COM and commented:
Telling it like it is…
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Damn! That’s a tough place to be. It brings back memories for me. Suicidal thoughts. Sadness. Hopelessness. Eternity. It all feels like a dream now, thank God.
You did well documenting your feellings. Your mind is sharp. That is a blessing my Bipolar mind does not share. Your experience is our experience. You are our voice. Keep writing, my friend, Your words are important.
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Thank you. I have done so much better since this time.
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Good tho hear! Thank God we don’t have to live in that place for ever. But still, over a year in depression. You are a lion! An armoured bull. Nothing can stop you now!! 🙂
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Depression sucks. And fighting it is exhausting but fortunately it comes and goes. It may never stay gone but it does get better. Keep fighting. Keep writing. And keep sharing. You’re not alone 🙂
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Thank you. I am just coming out of a rough stretch. So it feels good to feel less depressed than the day before.
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I know how you feel, mate and you’re right it’s always good to feel a little bit better today than yesterday and to feel better tomorrow than today.
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Thank you for sharing theses raw emotions. They make me feel not so isolated. You are truly an inspiration to those who battle these emotions daily, such as I. Sometime’s (most of the time) we have no outlet because those who we think love us do not know the severity of it and they think we can just “get over it”. It’s just not that easy.
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I hate when people say “get over it.” I wish I could tell them how much I wish I could. Stay strong in the fight!
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How do we donate? I love it when people want to go after their passion. I am also a self publisher. I have just finished my second book and it is on sale on Amazon and I am working on my third book. So best of luck to you and your new jouney! XOXO Christina!
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Hey Christina, thanks for your kind words. I have a button on most of my blog pages. I would love to check out your work.
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Wow! What a beautiful way to express such a horrible thing. I deal with depression as well and can relate to every word. Thank you for the raw honesty.
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Thank you for taking a moment to read my poem.
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Thank you for sharing it. I’m so glad you’re doing better. I have no doubt your poem will give people who are lost in the darkness hope that it can get better.
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My GOD ….this made me cry…
But i’m glad to know u are doing so much better
This makes me feel we are not all alone fighting this
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We are never alone. Thank you for reading my poem. If you ever need someone to talk to let me know.
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Yess!!!!
i need
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Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s beautiful and as someone suering
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This is beautifully honest and real. Truly moving.
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Thank you.
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https://relationshipsthegoodthebadtheugly.wordpress.com/
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Truly captivating, what a beautiful piece, and you were able to deliver it so well into a tangible form for us all to comprehend how it could be suffering from depression. I think in life we all face some sort of depression on different scales and it is so important for it to be highlighted in its truest form so that people do not feel alone or as though they are going through it alone. Thank you for laying bare to the world 👌🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
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Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. I am not great at poetry but I do my best.
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Please follow and let me know what you think! I’m new xoxox
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You’re site is not bad. One suggestion would be to add pictures (use free sites like unslpash.com) to liven up your posts.
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Honestly, thank you for your input! I will check it out xox
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No worries. I wrote a piece a while back that might help your blog grow.
https://jamesedgarskye.com/2018/03/02/what-i-learned-in-six-months-of-blogging/
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Please follow back.
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Thank you for sharing this raw and beautiful poem. I can connect to your feelings of hopelessness and deep depression. You have created something incredible from those emotions! Thanks for sharing!
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Thank you. I am actually taking a poetry hoping to get better at writing poetry. I don’t consider myself great at it.
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Lovely work…
A new poetic release ( A Poetry Work) – The Marriage Ring @ https://balmywriters.wordpress.com/2018/05/24/the-marriage-ring/
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Thanks for sharing, god bless you xx
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Nice one. I can relate to this, too. I have a similar poem coming out Monday
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Let me know. I’d love to read them.
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I identify with the feelings behind this, I too in the past have experienced these feelings although you have written it better than I could have!
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