avoidance | The Bipolar Writer Mental Health Blog

The summer of 1996 is when my anxiety first started to take its grip. My sudden erratic emotional state was the first sign that something was changing inside of me. Before anxiety started to rule my life I was a relatively steady person, and I enjoyed the unpredictability of life. This all changed drastically in what seemed like a very short time. I began to fear anything that was unknown or out of my control. When my first panic attack struck, I tried to make sense of it. Then it became obvious that it wasn’t the bong hits or the cheap beer I was drinking; it was, in fact, my body turning against me.

The next few months were some of the hardest in my life. Almost every other day I was having a panic attack and I couldn’t figure out why they were happening. I remember talking myself out of a panic attack when I was sitting at the dinner table with my family one evening. My mom, dad, sisters, and the family dog underfoot was nothing out of the ordinary. In my head I screamed at myself: I questioned what was the matter with me. I forced myself to breathe normally and tried to focus. My family and I were always close – how could they suddenly feel alien to me?

I chose to suffer in silence for 15 years. The past 5 years I have been battling my anxiety off and on, but nothing compares to my current commitment level. Today I am with a therapist, receive regular acupuncture, and have found healthier ways to release tension. There is still a long way to go, but I’m climbing out of this hole. I think my reasons for avoiding a therapist for so long were:

There wasn’t really anything wrong with me. I know how this sounds. Normal people don’t have panic attacks almost every day. But I had closed myself off from talking about my situation with anyone, which left me with no one to relate to or to guide me. I convinced myself it wasn’t that bad.
Excuses, excuses. This was a coming-of-age situation: everyone has probably gone through it. “If I took better care of myself I wouldn’t feel this way.” Or maybe, “It will go away in time.” I continued to play a hundred reasons over in my head to defend my anxiety.
I was unsure where to go. My anxiety began in the 90’s, so the internet wasn’t what we have today and researching my options was difficult. In recent years, I have struggled to find the right type of therapist. I ended up finding my current therapist through a post-partum online hotline.
I felt safe in my world. I frequented the same places and sought out the same faces. By doing so I was able to avoid panic attack triggers. As a result, I convinced myself that I had overcome my anxiety.
I was deeply ashamed of the anxiety and panic attacks that were a part of my life. If I’m being honest, I still feel this way today. I’m not sure how to get through this feeling. Though I was able to overcome my resistance to therapy, shame still prevents me from making progress and opening up to my therapist.
Modern medicine had not been my friend. I had a several bad experiences with doctors, leaving me to fear any medical practice, including counselors and therapists. The more natural route was intriguing and with time I did find comfort in acupuncture and yoga.
It was hard to find someone in-network who accepted my insurance. Then, when I didn’t have insurance, the expense was insurmountable.
I placed the blame on others. I attached blame to anyone who had done me wrong in the past. I faulted teachers, friends, boyfriends, parents, doctors… even the news: my list was endless. Some may have been relevant, but I have come to realize that this is how I’ve trained my brain to react. There is no blame on anyone and I have come to realize I can’t blame myself either.

While this list is not all-encompassing, it does flesh out the main reasons I did not seek therapy for so many years. It took me several therapists before I found the one I felt a connection with. Therapy is only one of the many tools I am using to overcome my social anxiety, but it is the one that has helped the most in the shortest amount of time. In hindsight, I wish I had sought out help in my 20s when anxiety first took hold. Though if we stay caught up on the “what if” and “why” in life, we simply torture ourselves. I don’t have any desire to run in circles any longer.

Fingers To Sky

Today’s Self-Medication: Avoidance

Never prescribed by a doctor or other professional, avoidance is an easy drug for those of us suffering from social anxiety. We seem to be fine on the outside, passing our day just like anyone else you walk by on the sidewalk. However, those of us with social anxiety go to great lengths to avoid anxiety triggers. I wear the mask of a confident, outgoing, and fun person. Whenever I am brave enough to really detail my anxiety to a friend they almost always say “You? Really? I had no idea.” The act I put on can be exhausting yet at the same time, when I feel like I’m really doing it right I get charged. This is what normal feels like, I tell myself with stars in my eyes. I breath it in and treasure the moment, because it often only lasts a short time. Being around people I know refuels me, though being around strangers punctures holes in my confidence and will.

As someone who suffers from social anxiety, I have a difficult time in public places; specifically, indoor public places. More definitively, I struggle to enter, places where there is one way in and one way out, which summarizes almost every store, restaurant, movie theatre, doctor’s office, library, and entertainment venue in America. I have avoided going into a grocery store by myself for more than 2 years. I once told this to my acupuncturist and he didn’t believe me: “How do you get groceries?” he asked.

“Groceries are delivered by the grocery store or Amazon. Actually I can get almost anything I need with 2 days shipping -sometimes even faster, with Amazon,” I say with pride. Why this is a point of pride, I’m not sure.

As a mother who stays home with her with small children, social anxiety is unbearably lonely sometimes. I try to plan a week or two in advance to get us out of the house. Finding someone to accompany me and the kids is the only way I will go to an indoor destination. This might be why hiking and going to parks are my activities of choice. The wide open space is freeing, even if my watchful eye surveys the area in 3 minute intervals.

What happens when those of us with social anxiety push ourselves out of our comfort zone? For some of us, it’s like playing Russian roulette. We perceive that we are going to be approaching an anxiety trigger. Sometimes the anticipation alone is enough to cause shortness of breath and an increased heart rate. In this case an immediate u-turn may result. However, sometimes we push through this feeling and venture into the situation with hopes that it will be different this time. Sometimes it is shockingly different: nothing happens. Triumph! Though the reality is we accept this psychological trophy and set it on the shelf to collect dust. Next time we may not be so lucky. I have not discovered a rhyme or reason to why one outing is uneventful and the next has me feeling numb and breathless.

Avoidance always leads to no anxiety, which is why it is so tempting. There might be remorse or self-scrutiny, but no panic attacks. The trouble with avoidance, though, is we are wasting our precious lives away in hiding. This great wide world starts with just one footstep out the front door, and does not end beyond that. Taking one step at a time, finding help, support, and ways to recharge will get us through this. As for me, I have already made tremendous strides. I can take the kids to the library, though I still can’t bring myself to sit behind closed doors in the small room for story time. Finding buddies to go places with is still my most comfortable tactic: it helps me to not avoid anxiety triggers altogether, and to find peace with new surroundings.

Feeling afraid of our bodily reactions to outside stimuli may keep us indoors, but the desire to live a different life pushes us outward. Setbacks happen, the avoidance drug is an easy alternative. We need to push forward not only for ourselves but for the people we love.

FingersToSky.blog: Soul Seardching. Gardening. Aspiring Writer.