Why you always lying

You lied about the lies that you lied about.

Nothing like some LL Cool J to get this post started, am I right? or am I already overly obnoxious? Either way, I’ll take my chances.

I won’t offend your intelligence with a history of why lying isn’t the jazziest thing in the world, but if you need a refresher I think what follows will educate you youngins’ some.

I have this ‘not so great’ habit where I lie but let’s get some things out in the open because I feel I deserve a disclaimer, in other words, please be easy on me.
I was never the kid who acted out or caused my mother any real grief no, rather I was the type of kid who kept things to myself for fear of hurting people. I would hold out for as long as possible so as not to burden anyone with anything that could even potentially upset them. This sort of behavior is both selfless and self-serving. I endured guilt while also using ‘protecting others’ as a lame cover up for being deceitful and hurting others.

Also, you guys know I obviously know how people will react and because of this incredible wisdom and fortune telling, I choose the most mature option; avoidance.
Firstly I hope you detected some sarcasm there but I’m OK with some of you holding the belief that I am really the next Daila Lama (I know a lot about how they choose him and I obviously fit all of the signs.)

Usually, I’m not right (I know, I’m just as shocked) and this is because I always expect the worst. I thoroughly convince myself of a wrath so fervent and fiery it would put the scene in The Godfather Part 2, when Kay tells Michael that her miscarriage was actually an abortion, to shame. My mother is not a mafia member but the scenarios in my head tell me otherwise.

I guess it’s time to pinpoint an example without tarnishing my street creds too much. (apparently, I am the mafia member here) The most frequent, most damaging lies and (usually) lies by omission have involved relationships. Another not so great habit of mine has been ‘giving people a second chance’ AKA caving in and in reality giving them a second, third, fourth… I think you get the idea.

I don’t know anyone who particularly likes liars but I do know someone who hates them and that is my momma. I understand why and I side with her yet I have also caused her a lot of hurts. I have so foolishly withheld information for ‘her best interest’. She is the most loving, kind and understanding person and because of that love, she is a fierce protector. People talk of guardian angels, spirits, and daemons but I truly believe she embodies all three and more. (if that’s possible)

It is important and in my opinion, absolutely vital to have that person in your life who will give you the unfiltered, ugly and oftentimes life-saving truth. Unhealthy relationships can destroy anyone and as I’ve said before we all have different levels of tolerance for the amount of stress we can handle. (this isn’t a contest though) I’ve also said this before and I’ll say it again, (obviously) I am highly impressionable and easily manipulated so mix that with a mental illness and you’ve got one screwed up a drink that’s sure to send you home wobbly legged and plastered.

It’s never too late to atone for your sins, I was raised Catholic so I’ve got Christian terminology nailed. (no pun intended) In all sincerity, I do believe the above (my puns are getting top tier) and I also believe complete honesty isn’t as easy as we make it out to be. We all lie and many times it is for reasons like mine, or a white lie to get out of doing something and sometimes just because the truth sounds boring (I tend to exaggerate with stories)

The truth is (I’m getting better already) lying isn’t something you want to get into a ‘not so great’ habit of doing. This sounds ridiculously obvious but that’s why I’m saying it, it really is that simple. You’ll be amazed how much better you feel when you are mindful of what you say. Believe it or not (I won’t be offended if you don’t) I have worked on this a lot in the past year and I’ve improved. When I don’t feel up for something I don’t make an excuse I simply say either I am not feeling up to it or I’ll be doing something else because I used to lie about what I was doing in fear the person would be offended.

“Hey wanna hang out?”
“Oh sorry, I can’t I have to tame this tiger we got.”

and all I wanted to do was take a nap.

When it comes to the more important issues that’s when you have to realize your mother is not a member of the mafia (as far as you know) and trust what she tells you is because she only wants what’s best for you.

Your friend,
Hume

My blog!

Photo Credit: unsplash-logoHarman Abiwardani

My Weekly Wrap-up of the Bipolar Writer Blog

It has been a couple of weeks since writing a wrap up. With the added volume of contributor writers on my blog is it imperative to do these weekly wrap-ups. This is place to go for all the amazing posts that you can find on The Bipolar Writer Blog. These wrap-ups end my week and at the same time gives my readers a place to look back. So here we go.

What Helps Relieve Anxiety

I really enjoyed writing this blog post about the anxiety relief since I am still working on the major issues related to my social anxiety. In this post I explain what has worked for me. I am still a work in progress but these tips are quite useful.

An American’s Obsession with Korean Pop

This is a repost of one of my favorites since starting my blog. I have a real obsession with Korean Pop, so much so that I am learning to speak the language.

What is Bipolar Disorder to me?

I wrote this piece at the request of a blogger who didn’t understand what Bipolar Disorder is and what it actually means. I give my best description that I can in this blog post.

The Bipolar Writer Hasn’t been at his Best

Sometimes James Edgar Skye and The Bipolar Writer isn’t always at his best. Here I explain what that means for me. It’s a great personal post that might make its way as a chapter in my memoir.

Teaching While Bipolar

This is a great blog post from one my talented contributor writers— Perpetually Eliza. It talks about the ups and downs of teaching while Bipolar. It is an amazing piece and you should read it if you are going into the field to teaching with a mental illness.

Total Exhaustion

This blog post was written my another talented contributor writer— Tabbi. In the piece the author talks about the exhausting of living with a mental illness and having other issues. It’s a good read.

How Does Depression Affect Your Relationships

This blog post was written by another talented contributor writer— 🌸Jia Khan🌸. It explains the realities of how depression can affect your relationships. Posts such as these are really important because at some level we all want companionship to get through the tough times.

You Are Amazing

The subject matter speaks for itself in this amazing blog post by my contributor writer— Girlyshellebelle7. If you’re looking for an upbeat post when you are feeling down, look no further that the post from this talented writer.

What’s Wrong?

What’s wrong is was written by Chelsea Owens. In the post the author explores the list of favorite questions that are asked of her. It’s a great read and one that is relatable.

Are There Different Levels of Depression?

I wrote this blog post as a request from a fellow blogger for me to define if there are different levels of depression. It is a great read because I share my experiences and some of my fellow bloggers shared their own with the types of depression that I have not lived through. It is a great read if you’re looking for the levels of depression.

I don’t make promises

This post was another good one from one of my contributor writers— Blogpostsfromthedge. It talks about the realities of mental illness and not making promises. It is a great read because there is always a level of uncertainty for those of us dealing with a mental illness.

The Bipolar Writer Needs a Logo

The Mutations of Mental Health

In this blog post author CM North talks about his own journey and how there is not a cure of mental illness and how he will always identify with having a mental illness. In this post the author gives his personal thoughts about the subject.

What it’s Like to Have a Panic Attack While Driving – A Poem

I wrote this poem just this past week in the throes of one of the worst panic attacks of my life. It was bad, and I think I really captured what was going on at this time. It is a unique perspective that those who have lived through it can understand.

Tough Love

This was one of the most emotionally driven posts to ever make its way onto the Bipolar Writer under the author Catherinerunningriley. It is a really good read and I think everyone who is dealing with a mental illness should read this post.

Eve’s Interview Feature

This is another edition of my ongoing series about sharing the stories of the mental illness community. What I loved writing about Eve’s feature is that it was one of recovery and positivity despite her struggles with her illness and alcoholism. It is an amazing story.

Being Doubly Shamed in Psychosis

This was written by another of my contributor writers— Orangewallsblog. I thought got this piece a quote from the blog post would serve it well.

“There’s something strange that occurs in highly stigmatized identities: the shame of being that identity and the shame of wanting to be identified as that identity. As someone with a degree of sustained insight, it was difficult to explain how my life was being run by a bunch of lies.”

My Bad Week

It is always my goal of The Bipolar Writer to share the different sides of my mental illness. In My Bad Week I talk about how things can change so quickly after I had one of my best months in January 2018. So I wrote this honest post about my bad week.

Positivity

This another great blog post about Positivity from contributor blogger Girlyshellebelle7. It really is a great that on The Bipolar Writer we can get varying levels of posts from amazing authors. “Positivity” is another great read.

When to Ask For Help: Ideation vs Action

A great post about asking for help when you are suicidal by author Alan Wolfgang. The author really goes into detail on what you can do when you are suicidal. It is great read from one of my contributor bloggers.

That is it for this week. It has been a busy one for The Bipolar Writer and I am looking forward to what my contributor writers and what I bring in the coming week.

Always Keep Fighting

James Edgar Skye

Photo Credit: unsplash-logoClint McKoy

Tough Love

Tough love is defined as….

promotion of a person’s welfare, especially that of an addict, child, or criminal, by enforcing certain constraints on them, or requiring them to take responsibility for their

Suffering with depression and crippling anxiety myself, I know all too well what tough love feels like. It makes you feel like a criminal and an addict when sometimes all you feel you want is love… a hug… to take a hand and be reassured.With the early onset of my depression, looking back my family and partner were so kind, and in complete denial. They spoke lovingly to me, used such dulcet tones and reassured me whenever possible that I would be OK!A year in, a lot has changed. My family blames themselves for the way that I am and tell me a lot that I need what they call ‘tough love’.During a medication review I spoke to my doctor about the suggestion of ‘tough love’, he assured me that’s not what I needed at all, I needed help and that ‘tough love’ was not the answer. Medication and therapy would help me solve my inner demons, the therapy being something I am still waiting for. Moving back in with my parents recently allowed them to see the full extent of my depression. And to say they found it hard is an understatement. And it’s here the tough love really began. Moments of which I’m used to like laying in my bed, uncontrollably crying, staring into space just feeling so numb were not the norm for them at all. They became so harsh with me I felt but they kept insisting it was for my own good. Incontrolable crying would be met with shouting at me aggressively to stop. Grabbing my shoulders and shaking me to get a hold of myself. On other occasions my mum calling for my dad for help, to then he met with fire and fury, shouting in my ear, swearing. I have overwhelming feelings of failure and when I’m having a down moment I like to be reminded that “you have not taken a fucking test so what is there to fail”.

It brings me to questions though…. is tough love useful or does it work at all? For me personally no…. It makes me feel worse even though I remind my parents it doesn’t help they are adamant they know best and it will help me. To be met at times of desperation with shouting and shaking, or be removed out of your bed doesn’t help at all. It sets off a nerve in me of panic. I need them to understand that I can’t get better 100mph all at once. I need to take steps in m own time and when I am ready too. I feel that too much too soon will only see me fall back into a downward rollercoaster.Of course, I appreciate what they are doing and I know they are doing it because they love me. But to be told to think about someone else instead of myself, is that really any help to a person with depression and anxiety at all?

unsplash-logoKat J