The Bipolar Writer Podcast Episode Four

The Bipolar Writer Podcast Interview with A.K. Wilson The Bipolar Writer Podcast

About A.K. My name is A.K. Wilson, or otherwise known as Angel. I am a mother, blogger, mental health, and domestic violence survivor advocate. I am a multi-genre author and writer.  I was born in New York, Raised in NJ, made a home in Kentucky. I live life to the fullest and cherish every moment. My links 🙂 Contact James If you are looking for all things James Edgar Skye, you can find his social media visiting Also support a life coach that has influenced me along my journey of self-reflection: The Bipolar Writer Podcast is listener-supported, and for as little as $5 a month, you can help support the mental health advocacy that I do by visiting Please help this podcast grow by sharing with friends or anyone that you think will benefit from the experiences of others and myself. You can also find me on the following websites. You can also find me on the following websites to book your interview, ask questions, and reach out to me. Purchase my books at: — This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. — Send in a voice message: Support this podcast:
  1. The Bipolar Writer Podcast Interview with A.K. Wilson
  2. The Bipolar Writer Podcast Interview with Hunter
  3. Interview with Amy The Bipolar Writer Podcast
  4. The Bipolar Writer Podcast Interview with Norm
  5. The Bipolar Writer Podcast Interview with Kathleen
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James Edgar Skye

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The Bipolar Writer Ghostwriting Services

Well, I thought it was time as I move forward to launching my LLC in January 2021. The Bipolar Writer Ghostwriting Services is looking for its first new clients for the new year. While the business is new, I have been ghostwriting for close to six years, and I have several books under my belt, and I have current projects that will cross over into the new business. I am a memoirist at heart.

The Bipolar Writer Ghostwriting Services focus will be on memoir writing in the mental health/mental illness realm, but I have other services that include a complete ghostwriting package, copywriting services, manuscript evaluations, teaching how to become a better writer, and blogger. While my main focus is on memoirs of any kind, I am willing to work on smaller projects as well. Even collaborative work will become a focus.

I know someone reading this blog post really wants to tell their story to the world and make money at it but lack the skills to write nonfiction. I come into the story as part of your narrative, and I take something beautiful, making it readable with little work on your part. I can do the initial meeting on Zoom, and I will compete for your business. This is an investment in you, and I will work to make your dream a reality. Please reach out to my new business email: Let us collaborate on something unique together!

For everything social media for James Edgar Skye visit my Linq Site here. 

Buy my book on Amazon through my website.

Always Keep Fighting

James Edgar Skye 

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September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month

September is Suicide Prevention Awareness month. While it’s great there’s a month dedicated to this, it should be 365-day year awareness.

I understand suicide can be a touchy subject especially for those who have struggled with it themselves or have lost a loved one to it.

I wanted to share my personal story with suicide because that was something I struggled with for a long time.

I was 14 years old when I started getting suicidal thoughts. I was in high school and was completely miserable. I was living in an abusive household suffering abuse from my mom on a daily basis. It was physical, verbal, & psychological abuse. Living in such a toxic environment and experiencing that abuse on a regular basis caused me to go into a severe depression.

I would spend hours locked in my room crying myself to sleep. I would always question God asking him “why me?”

“Why was this happening to me?”

“Why did I have to get a mom who treated me so terribly?”

It wasn’t much longer when I started to get suicidal thoughts on a regular basis.

My mom told me so many lies on a regular basis that it was hard for me to not believe them. She convinced me I was a burden to others & that I shouldn’t be on this earth. She told me things that no child or person should ever here. She told me she wished I were never born and that she wished she had me aborted when she had the chance. These are things I wish I could say never happened, but those were all lies she told me.

My thoughts started to become more negative and darker as the days went on. I started to lose feelings of happiness and forgot what happiness felt like. I started to feel numb & empty on the inside not feeling any emotions but sadness. I started to cope with self-harm when I was 14 years old. I believed it was the only way for me to feel something besides emptiness & sadness so I turned to self-harm.

That’s when the suicidal thoughts started to creep in and became more frequent. I started to believe the lies my mom and my depression told me. I believed I was a burden to others and that the world would be a better place without me in it. I wanted out of the world so bad that I came up with a plan when I was 15 years old to end my life. I had been prescribed pain medication from a dentist visit when I had to get a root canal and researched that medication and found that if I took all of the pills in the bottle I could never wake up again. That was my plan.

It was like playing tug o war in my mind though, there was that part of me that believed I was a burden and that I should just leave the world now, but there was another part of me that wanted to keep fighting. It told me to keep pushing through that those negative thoughts were lies and I could beat them.

I confided in my high school’s guidance counselor and he helped me push through the suicidal thoughts. I didn’t seek out treatment for my depression at the time even though I should have. Throughout high school I still struggled with depression and being active in sports helped me manage it.

After high school and when I went away to University the suicidal thoughts started to creep in again. I thought it was just homesickness since I was going to school on the other side of the country, but it was much deeper than that for me.

It was the summer of 2014 when I was home from University that I sought out treatment for my depression. I struggled with an alcohol addiction and one day when I had way too much to drink I couldn’t control the suicidal thoughts. I knew that if I didn’t seek out help that night, I would have harmed myself and may not be alive today. I had my best friend’s boyfriend drive me to the mental hospital and drop me off. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this and I told him yes I knew if I didn’t get help I was only going to get worse.

I spent three days in the crisis unit of the mental hospital. I was put on Zoloft and anxiety medication that helped ease my anxiety while I was there. I wish I could say going on Zoloft helped with my depression, but it actually made things worse for me. At the time I was diagnosed with depression and didn’t know I had bipolar disorder. When I was on Zoloft I felt like a zombie I was so out of it and numb, I hated it. I didn’t realize that for those who have bipolar disorder, anti-depressants could cause you to go into mania, which it did for me.

When I was back at University that semester I was a wreck. I was in and out of depressive episodes along with being in manic episodes. My alcohol problem was out of control and my behavior was reckless. I was failing all of my classes and was drinking on a daily basis. I started to struggle with self-harm again and the suicidal thoughts again. I knew that if I didn’t leave University and get myself out of that environment things were only going to get worse for me. That’s when I withdrew from University and moved back home to Florida.

I wish I could say everything got better for me when I got back home to Florida, but my depression grew worse. The psychiatrist I was seeing was no help at all to me and didn’t listen to my problems. He didn’t care to give me a proper psych evaluation and just wrote me a script for the next anti-depressant out there. I continued to struggle with self-harm and battled the suicidal thoughts daily.

I was empty & numb living in an endless cycle of my depression.

It wasn’t until the end of 2016 when I finally found a psychiatrist who gave me a proper psych evaluation and diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. Getting on the proper medication and changing my lifestyle to healthier habits, put an end to the suicidal thoughts. It was like the fog had finally been lifted and I could see clearly again. I started to see a therapist for a few months as well that helped me work through some of the issues from my past.

I’m happy to say that I am stable now and have not harmed myself in over three years now. I still find myself going into depressive episodes every now and then and will catch the suicidal thoughts creeping into my mind. I’ve become a lot stronger than I was three years ago and can fight off the thoughts much better than before.

I know living with a mental illness will be a life long battle for me. I’ve spent over ten years now fighting the demons and while it can be exhausting, I know I will survive the fight.

For those of you that have experienced something similar or going through a tough time please never hesitate to seek out help. There are so many resources available out there today and remember you are not a burden to others. Your life matters and you are never alone in this fight.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

My New Year’s Resolution is One Word

Hello everyone. I’ve missed you all. Since I began my blog two years ago, I have never written so few posts. This is only my second post in December. Sorry for not writing or contributing on The Bipolar Writer more often but I have been extremely busy writing my memoir and now the grueling process of editing it thoroughly and many more new and exciting things to share with you–gradually.

Today, I got an alert from WordPress telling me my stats are booming and I thought, “What on earth? I haven’t even been writing any posts.” So, I decided to take a look at what was going on at “My Loud Bipolar Whispers.”

A post I wrote last year with the same title as this one got a lot of hits. People must have been googling New Year’s Resolutions is my guess. I wrote My New Year’s Resoultion is One Word on January 4th of last year, which was about a month before my life altering near lethal suicide attempt.

On that post I wrote an overview of my mental illness life. You can take a peek if you would like. It is full of my struggles and I know I wrote it when I was not in a good mental state as a year ago today I was not doing well and had not been for many consecutive months. I was fighting to stay alive and was at my end of my shredded rope.

I will not bore you with the details here, but I wanted to share the beauty of the fact that miracles happen. There is hope for everyone. If you look at my posts from a year ago, you can read and feel the excruciating pain I was in and see how sick I was then.

I am living proof that recovery is possible. I have been completely medication free for over ten months now and am symptom free for the most part. I am under a Psychiatrists care and he can’t quite figure it out either.

I am living proof that recovery and healing are possible. God is good.

My New Year’s Resolution is one word…


With God in my life, living my life for Christ and serving the Lord, I know 2019 will be an awesome year–the best year ever.

When I keep my focus on God everything else will fall into a good place.

When I let Jesus’ love shine through me, I will always be the best me and that is who I strive to be in 2019.

I pray 2019 will be a happy, healthy, joyful, love-filled, peaceful and abundantly blessed year for all of you

Happy New Year!

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I think “God” is a very feasible and attainable New Year’s resolution and…

with God by my side,

nothing is impossible… 

everything is possible.

Love, Sue

BTW… It’s nice to be back writing on my blog and contributing on this blog. I hope you are all doing well.

God is my New Year’s Resolution.

What’s your New Year’s resolution for 2019?

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Image result for new year's resolutions 2019



Copyright © 2018 | | All Rights Reserved

The Things I would Have Missed

I am a suicide attempt survivor and because of that I will never be the same again. On February 17, 2018 I should have died. On that day I should have closed my eyes for the last time. On that day I should have taken my last breath.

February 17, 2018 should have been my last day on earth





I am alive


I appreciate and celebrate

each day of my life

more than I can comprehend.

I am beyond blessed to be alive. I am thankful every morning. I am thankful every second of every day. I can now experience the beauty of living more deeply and beautifully than I ever have before.

To live every day as if it had been stolen from death, that is how I would like to live.

~ Garth Stein

Right now a beautiful acoustic song plays in the background as I type on my computer and sit on a soft black leather couch in a coffee shop with my oldest daughter. I am beyond full of a peaceful contentment, joy and thankfulness for this day understanding how close I was to never experiencing ANYTHING on earth again.

I was too close to becoming NOTHING on earth. I was so close that my children almost did not have their mother on earth ever again. I’m assuming my oldest daughter is enjoying this moment with me at the coffee shop, as well. She most likely is not enjoying it as much as I am, but she was the one that invited me. She almost did not have a mother to invite. How awful that would have been. That is a lot to take in. It is an indescribable feeling that there are no words to convey the true meaning to the fullest extent of my emotions.

It is bittersweet in the fact that I know I am so blessed to be alive and I appreciate that and then the thoughts of suicide flood my mind with an overwhelming heartbreak of what suicide really is and is capable of. Suicide and suicidal thoughts are like a disease in and of itself. It could and should almost become its own illness separate of anything else. It is more than a symptom. Suicide and the thoughts that endure and destroy behind the monster it is take on a life of their own. Suicidal thoughts that lead up to suicide and/or suicide attempts are an apocalypse within a mental illness life and world of its own.

Suicide is the end.

Suicide is the result of making the biggest decision of your life at your weakest, darkest and worst moment of your life. ~Susan Walz

I often think of what I would have missed. This is a timeline of sorts. If February 17 , 2018 was my last day of my life, this is what I would have missed and my children would have missed having a mother for:

  1. My daughter Alexia winning grand champions at a Show Choir competition. I missed it as I was still in the hospital at the time, but at least I was alive to share her joy with her and tell her congratulations.
  2. Seeing my daughter perform at two more Show Choir competitions.
  3. Being there to see my daughter Kylie and son in-love Dennis move into their new house on April 12, 2018.
  4. Going to my children’s dance recitals. My oldest daughter Kylie, son Keagan and son in-love Dennis are dance teachers and choreographers. I love to watch dance and especially dances they are in and/or choreograph.
  5. Going to church with my children.
  6. Going to my daughter Alexia’s last show choir performance, and choir and band concerts as a senior in High Schoool.
  7. Going to Alexia’s convocation ceremony to see her receive three scholarship awards.
  8. Attending my daughter Alexia’s High School graduation.
  9. Bringing Alexia to the University of Minnesota to attend her college orientation and participating in the parent orientation. If God didn’t save my life, my Alexia would not have had a parent to attend her orientation with her.
  10. Going to my nephew’s wedding with my five children.
  11. Moving into my oldest daughter Kylie and son-love Dennis’ house. I needed to move because I couldn’t afford the house I was living in anymore and I am now on a waiting list for a townhouse to open up.
  12. Having wonderful heart to heart talks with Alexia. We had some of our best talks.
  13. Taking my daughter Alexia to the University of Minnesota to move into the dorms as a college freshman.
  14. Being there for my daughter Alexia when she called from college. She needed me, her mom. I love that.
  15. Starting my new job at an alternative school for special needs students. I get to teach and work with special needs children and young adults again. I get paid to give love. God is soooo… goooood.
  16. Having a wonderful time living with Kylie and Dennis.
  17. Going to the coffee house with my daughter Kylie, today.

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I continue to feel better every day and I continue to appreciate the beauty of living and just being ALIVE. When life gets tough, I try to remember how I was almost not here. Nothing can be worse than that and nothing feels worse than I felt at that moment in my life. I thank God for saving my life, every day.

I am not saying I am completely symptom free and that my life is super easy because it isn’t. I still have to cope with occasional anxiety, but nothing like it was when I was still on Klonopin. I have PTSD and have been triggered by PTSD symptoms lately. I am dealing with that and will be starting therapy shortly to help tackle it. I occasionally still have some minor rapid cycling and mixed bipolar episodes. However, my symptoms are nothing compared to how severe and debilitating they were before and at the time of my suicide attempt.

I have finally learned how to cope with my symptoms better and I look for the beauty in life and find it easier to find now. I do this and can do this now because I was so close to not having a life to live due to my suicide attempt. I am beyond blessed to be alive.

Today. Right now. This is a good day and moment. I try to appreciate them and hold on to them when they happen. I live one moment at a time and enjoy it because I never know what tomorrow will bring. None of us do.

Life is a blessing and a gift. Handle it with care. Life is fragile, but don’t be afraid to live your life. Take some chances. Don’t be afraid to fall because sometimes you have to fall first before you can F.L.Y. (first love yourself), thrive and soar.

Do you know Jesus? He saved my life.

Image result for God saved my life

September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month

So, I will write and share a post every day during the month of September containing important facts, statistics and educational information about suicide and suicide prevention. The name of my campaign is called…

Remember in September.

Prevent suicide yesterday.

Today, may be too late.

Don’t let there be anymore “what if” or “if I only” yesterday statements.

Make your today never become a yesterday you will regret. 

Save lives. Talk about it. Don’t wait. Get help. Don’t let yesterday become too late.

If you have any stories or information about suicide prevention you would like me to share on my blog, please let me know. I would love to share any information you have. Thank you in advance for your contributions.

Together we can do this. It takes a village…

and this wonderfully beautiful blogging community…


suicide 25

Copyright © 2018 Susan Walz | | All Rights Reserved

The Wall of Silence

People are afraid to intervene with someone who is having mental health issues or is in crisis. Sometimes it is fear of the unknown and/or a fear of not knowing how to help. They do not know what to do or say, so they sometimes do and say nothing. Nothing and silence hurts, destroys, isolates, wounds and shames.

Silence forms a wall between the people who desperately need help and the people who could help. Silence builds a wall between illness and wellness. Silence creates a wall between life and death.

We should not fear helping people who have mental illness or are suicidal, we should fear what happens if we don’t help them. The lack of doing and saying nothing is not working. We need to help, We need to care. We need to love and support others. We need to talk about it. We need to listen.

We need to make beautiful noises. The silence is too loud.

Image result for silence is the most powerful scream

The Wall of Silence

The wall of silence trembles ferociously as it cries out in pain

and no one comes

no one answers

no one sees

no one cares.

The wall of silence shakes incessantly as it is shamed

from the stares,

the whispers,

the glares,

and the cruelty of their silent words.

The wall of silence







and kills.

The wall of silence prevents







and wellness.

Tear down the wall of silence by

talking about suicide and mental health issues,

sharing your story,

listening to others,

supporting and caring,

and accepting and loving EVERYONE.

~written by Susan Walz

Tear down the walls of silence by reducing the stigma of mental illness and suicide.

Image result for silence is the most powerful scream

One conversation can change a life.

Image result for suicide prevention month 2018

September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month

So, I will write and share a post every day during the month of September containing important facts, statistics and educational information about suicide and suicide prevention. The name of my campaign is called…

Remember in September.

Today, may be too late.

Prevent suicide yesterday.

Don’t let there be anymore “what if” or “if I only” yesterday statements.

Make your today never become a yesterday you will regret. 

Save lives. Talk about it. Don’t wait. Get help. Don’t let yesterday become too late.

If you have any stories or information about suicide prevention you would like me to share on my blog, please let me know. I would love to share any information you have. Thank you in advance for your contributions.

Together we can do this.

It takes a village…

and this wonderfully beautiful blogging community…


suicide 25

Copyright ©2018 Susan Walz | | All Rights Reserved


Remember in September Post #6. Light a Candle on World Suicide Prevention Day

World Suicide Prevention Day 2018 - Working Together to Prevention Suicide

I am sharing this today to give you extra time, so you can get your candles ready and tell a lot of people to participate in this important world-wide event of remembrance and great love and respect and honor for the many beautiful lives lost by mental illness and suicide.

The International Association for Suicide Prevention

invites you to light a candle at 8 PM

On September 10th

World Suicide Prevention Day.

Light a candle near a window at 8 PM

to show your support for suicide prevention

to remember a lost loved one

and for the survivors of suicide.

I am a numerous suicide attempt survivor. I praise God for saving my life.

I am beyond blessed to be alive.

I often think of everything I would have missed. I think how my children wouldn’t have had me, their mom, with them to experience special occasions and just to enjoy the beauty of living. 

Suicide is finite. The definition of finite is that it has an end. Suicide has an end, a forever end. Suicide is an end to a beautiful life ended, stopped, lost, gone too soon. A beautiful life gone forever on earth, but a beautiful spirit and soul to live on in heaven forever and always.

Suicide is finite for the person who has died by suicide, but the pain and the loss for the survivors is infinite…

This is a link for more information about lighting a candle on

September 10, 2018 for World Suicide Prevention Day

Light a Candle

Suicide prevention remains a universal challenge. Every year, suicide is among the top 20 leading causes of death globally for people of all ages.  It is responsible for over 800,000 deaths, which equates to one suicide every 40 seconds.

Every life lost represents someone’s partner, child, parent, friend or colleague. For each suicide approximately 135 people suffer intense grief or are otherwise affected.  This amounts to 108 million people per year who are profoundly impacted by suicidal behavior. Suicidal behavior includes suicide, and also encompasses suicidal ideation and suicide attempts. For every suicide, 25 people make a suicide attempt and many more have serious thoughts of suicide.

Suicide is the result of a convergence of genetic, psychological, social and cultural and other risk factors, sometimes combined with experiences of trauma and loss. People who take their own lives represent a heterogeneous group, with unique, complex and multifaceted causal influences preceding their final act. Such heterogeneity presents challenges for suicide prevention experts.  These challenges can be overcome by adopting a multilevel and cohesive approach to suicide prevention.

Preventing suicide is often possible and you are a key player in its prevention!  You can make a difference –  as a member of society, as a child, as a parent, as a friend, as a colleague or as a neighbor. There are many things that you can do daily, and also on World Suicide Prevention Day (WSPD), to prevent suicidal behavior. You can raise awareness about the issue, educate yourself and others about the causes of suicide and warning signs for suicide, show compassion and care for those who are in distress in your community, question the stigma associated with suicide, suicidal behavior and mental health problems and share your own experiences.

It takes work to prevent suicide. The positive benefits of this work are infinite and sustainable and can have a massive impact.  The work can affect not only those in distress but also their loved ones, those working in the area and also society as a whole. We must endeavor to develop evidence based suicide prevention activities that reach those who are struggling in every part of the world.

Joining together is critical to preventing suicide. Preventing suicide requires the efforts of many. It takes family, friends, co-workers, community members, educators, religious leaders, healthcare professionals, political officials and governments.

Suicide prevention requires integrative strategies that encompass work at the individual, systems and community level. Research suggests that suicide prevention efforts will be much more effective if they span multiple levels and incorporate multiple interventions. This requires the involvement of interventions that occur in communities and involve social and policy reforms, as well as interventions that are delivered directly to individuals. To reach our common goal in preventing suicidal behavior we as the public, we as organisations, we as legislators and we as members of society must work collaboratively, in a coordinated fashion, using a multidisciplinary approach.

Everyone can make a contribution in preventing suicide. Suicidal behavior is universal, knows no boundaries so it affects everyone. The millions of people affected each year by suicidal behavior have exclusive insight and unique voices. Their experiences are  invaluable for informing suicide prevention measures and influencing the provision of supports for suicidal people and those around them. The involvement of people with lived experience of suicide in research, evaluation and intervention should be central to the work of every organisation addressing suicidal behavior.

This year is the first WSPD with the theme “Working Together to Prevent Suicide.” This theme will be retained for WSPD in 2019 and 2020. We have chosen this theme as it highlights the most essential ingredient for effective global suicide prevention- collaboration. We all have a role to play and together we can collectively address the challenges presented by suicidal behavior in society today. On September 10th, join with us and many others across the world who are playing their part in the prevention of suicide. Be sure to involve or invite other local organisations and collaborators to organize an event to mark WSPD 2018.

“Every day, we lose many lives to suicide, and many more are profoundly impacted by their deaths. We acknowledge all who experience the challenges of suicidal ideation, and those who have lost loved ones through suicide.”

Ways to take part in WSPD 2018

This Monday September 10th, join with us and many others across the world who are playing their part in the prevention of suicide. To optimise your activities be sure to involve or invite other local organisations and collaborators to organise an event to mark WSPD 2018.

Show your support by taking part in the annual IASP Cycle Around the Globe, in which we encourage our valiant participants to collectively cycle the globe! Participants can take part in groups, individually, at home, in the gym or anywhere!

You can also take part in our Light a Candle event in which we invite participants to Light a Candle near a window at 8pm on WSPD as a symbol of support for suicide prevention, and for many it is a means of remembering a loved one. For more information, visit:

Join us on social media

Connect with us on Facebook , Twitter and YouTube

to share your support of WSPD 2018.

#wspd #suicideprevention

Download our WSPD materials

Download WSPD 2018 Suggested Activities

Find WSPD Resources relating to the theme of Working Together to Prevent Suicide

Access the WSPD 2018 Toolkit, and PowerPoint Presentation

Download our Light a Candle Postcard

Share our WSPD Imagery available on our WSPD Resources page

2018 © International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP) Privacy Policy

World Suicide Prevention Day 2018 - Working Together to Prevention Suicide

Sunday, September 10, 2018 is World Suicide Prevention Day

If you click on the title above it will bring you to the “Official World Suicide Prevention Day 2018 Website.” The site also has a countdown to this very important day! Please click the title and check it out. Thank you. 

2018 marks the 16th World Suicide Prevention Day. The day was first recognized in 2003, as an initiative of the International Association for Suicide Prevention and endorsed by the World Health Organization. World Suicide Prevention Day takes place each year on September 10.

If there is anyone you are concerned about, take a minute to check in with them.

It could change their life.

September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month

So, I will write and share a post every day during the month of September containing important facts, statistics and educational information about suicide and suicide prevention. The name of my campaign is called…

Remember in September.

Prevent suicide yesterday.

Today, may be too late.

Don’t let there be anymore “what if” or “if I only” yesterday statements.

Make your today never become a yesterday you will regret. 

Save lives. Talk about it. Don’t wait. Get help. Don’t let yesterday become too late.

If you have any stories or information about suicide prevention you would like me to share on my blog, please let me know. I would love to share any information you have. Thank you in advance for your contributions. Together we can do this. It takes a village…


Image result for world suicide prevention day 2018

suicide 25

World Suicide Prevention Day

is on

Monday, September 10, 2018

Light a Candle

and Place it by a Window

at 8:00 P.M.

to show your support for suicide prevention,

to remember a lost loved one,

and for the survivors of suicide.

Copyright © 2018 Susan Walz | | All Rights Reserved

Darkness Swallowed Me Whole and Spit Me Back Out Again

September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month

I will be writing a post a day about suicide prevention and awareness on my blog

My Loud Bipolar Whispers

for my campaign

Remember in September.

Prevent Suicide Yesterday.

Today May Be Too Late.

This is a post on my blog describing the meaning behind the title of my campaign.

 Back to my current post…

Darkness Swallowed Me Whole and Spit Me Back Out Again 

Because I started researching information about suicide prevention awareness and looking at old posts I wrote, it awakened thoughts and feelings of the past causing me to become more in touch with my past emotions and feelings of depression and severe mental illness pain.

Those feelings will always be a part of me. I will never forget what I have survived over many years of my life. This is not a bad thing, but is a blessing instead. It is always a great reminder of how resilient and strong I am and how far I have come. I am a survivor.

I am not depressed at all right now and have not been for over four months, since I overcame my Klonopin withdrawals. Knowing how depression feels will never leave me. It will always be a part of who I am. I can use this knowledge to help others and that is a wonderful blessing.

I believe a gift of living with mental illness is being able to understand and feel more.  We learn how to become more aware and in touch with deep inner feelings and emotions. Surviving mental illness causes one to feel and experience more and have a better understanding of your inner self, other people and life and death, as well.

You do not learn how to truly live until you experience a severe illness and come close to death. After you survive, you learn how to live for the moment and appreciate the purest beauty of living. ~Susan Walz

The gift and blessing of living with mental illness is it gives people the ability to feel and know more from experiences gained from learning how to survive great pain and obstacles. It helps you to become more aware of yourself and others. You must become much more in touch with the human spirit. It becomes a necessity imperative for survival.

One of the greatest gifts that people have is the ability to empathize with others. Empathy is a trait that not everyone is blessed with. Empathy is something that cannot be taught. If you are not born with a natural empathy, experiences must form it within yourself, heart and spirit to truly understand the emotions of others.

When my postpartum depression overcame me instantly after my daughter was born the most alarming and worst symptoms to cope with were feeling nothing and feeling a huge overwhelming emptiness inside me. I felt removed and detached from myself and others.  I didn’t have any emotions. Things that used to make me happy, smile or laugh did not. I didn’t even have anger. I felt nothing. I was empty and void of all emotions.

Soon my diagnosis changed to bipolar disorder. Living with bipolar disorder makes you feel more and at much deeper levels and extremes. Sometimes I thought feeling something was better than feeling nothing. Bipolar causes you to feel more than you want to most of the time, bouncing back and forth and around from extreme and varying mood poles of mania or euphoria, and varying degrees of depression, but at least I felt something.

Feeling depressed soon became a welcome feeling. Whenever depression visited, at first I sensed a familiar feeling, like an old friend of sorts had come back to visit. Of course, when my depression increased to a severe depression or suicidal depression, it was not a welcome feeling at all and was quite the opposite.

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This is a recent poem I wrote about depression. Even though I am not depressed right now, I will NEVER forget depression, what it is, what it does and how it feels. This is how I remember my depression…


Darkness swallowed me whole.

Invisible to the world.

I do not exist.


There is no light in my darkness.

Not even one star,

nor a glimmer of hope.


I cannot move

or barely breathe.

I have come undone.



Depression deflated

my air and life from within me.


I do not exist.

Invisible to the world.

Darkness swallowed me whole.

~written by Susan Walz

Darkness swallowed me whole and eventually spit me back out again. Praise God.

The beauty of this poem is that even though we as humans can experience and endure this amount of despair, we can also survive it. We can make it through. We can conquer and overcome many obstacles, struggles and illness. We are resilient. We are survivors.

The greatest beauty is that there is hope. I am living proof of that. If you are experiencing depression, please know that you can make it through even stronger than you were before. Depression and other mental illness pain will not last forever. Keep holding on. Keep fighting. Keep keeping on. You can make it to the other side and experience joy, love and peace again. You will see the brilliance of the sun shining again.


If darkness swallows you whole and you cannot see any light within your darkness, always remember this.

You are a shining star, but you just can’t see or feel your own light yet.

You cannot see or feel the brightness of your beauty.

But, soon stars will be shining all around you

and you will be the brightest and most beautiful one.


Let God’s love will shine though you so brightly

that everyone around you will need to wear shades.

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Please don’t forget that…

September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month

Did you know?

  • 800,000 people die by suicide globally each year. That’s one person every 40 seconds.
  • We recently learned that suicide rates in the United States have risen 25% in the last 20 years.
  • In the past decade, the suicide rate among young people ages 10-17 has increased by more than 70%.
  • Suicide is the second leading cause of death among 15-29 year olds globally.
  • The suicide rate in the United States has risen 25% in the last 20 years.

September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month

World Suicide Prevention Day  is September 10, 2018

National Suicide Prevention Week is September 9-15th 2018

Tomorrow needs you to be a good friend. Tomorrow needs you to hold your little sister’s hand. Tomorrow needs you to be an uncle, a classmate, a roommate, a cousin. Tomorrow needs you to laugh. To dance. To build. To dream. Tomorrow needs you to stay for all the things you love.

Today needs you to know that it’s okay to ask for help. Today needs you to know that you will get the help you need.

Because tomorrow needs you.

Copyright © 2108 To Write Love on Her Arms – TWLOHA

Please remember to visit my blog My Loud Bipolar Whispers every day during the month of September to see my daily posts about suicide prevention and awareness. Thank you in advance for stopping by.  Much love, peace and hugs, Sue
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Copyright © 2018 Susan Walz | | All Rights Reserved

My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me

***Possible Trigger Warning***

This post contains content about suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts.

This is a post I wrote about a year ago. This was just one of the many days I fought suicidal ideations. Please understand that this day I was successful and fought off my strong thoughts and urges of death, but that is not always possible and does not always happen. Some days and some people cannot and do not fight off their suicidal thoughts and they lose their battle of survival and life. If you have suicidal thoughts, please get help. Don’t put it off. Don’t do as I did. Please get help right away.

I wrote this last year during my most difficult and painful year where I battled and fought suicidal ideations and thoughts nearly every day until the day I lost. I wrote many of these type of posts and I feel they are very important to post as this is still part of my life, but will never prayerfully be to this extent.

I learned and gained too much to ever let myself get to this point again without getting the help I need. This was too close and it was a very scary moment to look back on. I never want any of you to go through what I went through. This is why I share what I do.

Since I developed severe postpartum depression and was later diagnosed with bipolar disorder over twenty-six years ago, my mind finally feels better than it ever has. It is not perfect and I still struggle, but I am better than I ever thought possible at this point of my life. Now, at my age my body is falling apart but that is another story for another day. Nah. That would be a boring story and I always said that there is no worse pain than mental illness pain. I will take this and I can keep fighting.

My purpose for this post is to help you understand that you should never do as I did. I could have lost my life because of my refusal to get help when I needed it. Sometimes you become too sick to even realize how sick you really are. Your mind tells you lies that become the only reality you know. I thought I was strong enough to keep fighting my suicidal thoughts no matter how strong or frequent they were. On February 17, 2018, I was almost “dead” wrong.

On that fateful morning, my thoughts and lies overpowered me until I had no fight left in myself. My fight was gone and something took over my mind. It was as if my mind was not my own.

If you have suicidal ideations please get help. Please understand that one day you may not be able to fight your suicidal thoughts. Your mind will tell you such awful lies that you will not even try to fight anymore. My mind told me there was only one solution for my life and it was time to die. I was in an elated mania at the time of my suicide attempt and felt very happy and peaceful at the time I took my intentional “could have been” lethal overdose. I was happy because I was going to meet Jesus.

It was not time for me to meet Jesus yet. God put the right people in the exact places they needed to be to save my life. I am very happy and blessed to be alive. Now, I will let God determine when it is my time to meet Jesus. Until then I will make my life matter, make my children proud of me and I will serve the Lord.

Another reason for sharing this post is to give you hope and inspiration that your life will get better. Keep fighting. You will overcome. One day your life will have purpose. Living a mental illness life will get easier and better. I promise and I am living proof of that.

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I hope you like the following post and I pray it helps and inspires you in some or many ways…

My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me

My brain was trying to kill me, but God said no and nudged me away from my thoughts of death. He pushed my handful of pills away from my mouth. I obeyed him as he guided me through every step of this process.

It was as if I was moving in slow motion. It was like I was not me but was watching someone else put my pills back in the bottles a few at a time until slowly they were all put back where they belonged. I put the lids on the bottles and put them back on the shelves in my bedroom where they belonged. I watched myself do this but did not feel connected to myself or my actions. I have seen this rerun before many times. Each time it is the same but different and is becoming increasingly more intense and painful.

I sat back on my bed that was no longer my deathbed, but had now turned back into my bed of life. My brain was trying to kill me, but God said no. God saved my life again.

God continues to tell me over and over again, “I will tell you when it is your time to die. I will tell you when it is time for you to leave earth. It is my decision to  make. It is not yours.”

God renewed my spirit and I began to breathe in beautiful fresh breaths of life, so I could begin living and loving my life once again.

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I have scaled the deep precipice of bipolar disorder with my Lord and Savior always by my side pulling me back up from death and despair to safety at the top of my beautiful summit of life where I am now happy and blessed to be alive.

“Look to the past to learn… and look to the future to succeed.”  ~ anonymous

Copyright © 2018 Susan Walz | | All Rights Reserved  

We Need to Talk About ALL Deaths by Suicide—Not Just When Celebrities Die by Suicide

I am saddened by the two celebrities, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, that died by suicide last week. However, I am glad it has increased the discussion about mental illness and suicide. I wish people would discuss the severe epidemic of mental illness and suicide before celebrity suicides occurred, but at any rate we are talking about it finally.

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After listening to people speak about mental illness on the news and other places, I have come to the realization that most people do not have a clue what mental illness is. Too many people have said that these two people who died by suicide had everything going for them and had everything to live for and yet they were not happy.  These comments make me think that people really don’t get it.

Mental illness is not a choice. Mental illness is not a character flaw. Mental illness is not always determined by life’s circumstances. Mental illness is not caused from negative self-talk. Mental illness is a brain disease. Trauma can increase the likelihood that you may develop a chronic depression, PTSD or other mental illness but it is not an absolute determining factor. Everyone is different.

Mental illness is not determined by the kind of life you live or what you look like or how much money you have or don’t have. So, why are so many people surprised that these two celebrities had sorrow, pain, heartache, mental illness, depression and died by suicide? There are no “looks” that people with mental illness have or people who are experiencing suicidal thoughts have.

What do people think mental illness and people who die by suicide look like? Do people think that people who have suicidal ideations look and act differently—like someone or something in a horror movie? What are they expecting to see? There is no look.

I guarantee you that most people who are suicidal are going to hide that from you. Having suicidal thoughts is not something you freely share with others. You don’t want others to know. Stigma prevents that and inhibits our ability to do that.

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The suicide hotline numbers are very important and crucial to display and post everywhere, but people need to know that is not enough. We must be honest that many people who have severe mental illness symptoms and are suicidal are very ill at that time and are incapable of making a decision to pick up the telephone to call the number or ask for the help they need to survive.

When people are suicidal their brains are usually lying to them for many different reasons. Suicidal thoughts can be triggered from PTSD, medication side effects, severe depression, an elated mania, a psychotic state, they hear voices and many other reasons. There are many contributing reasons why a person becomes suicidal.

The huge problem is people who are suicidal believe the lies their brain is telling them. The perceptions about their life becomes misconstrued. Their perceptions of reality are blurred. Sometimes they may have reached an elated mania or a psychosis which means they are not themselves and are not in their own reality. Their brains are telling them lies that become their truth and the only reality they know.

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You cannot see brain disease. Just because their reality becomes abnormal does not mean their appearance and mannerisms will change. They can change but sometimes the changes are very slight. You need to pay close attention and do not ever assume there will be obvious signs you can see or should have seen them.

Sometimes people who are suicidal plan ahead of time when they will end their lives. They will not tell you and they will not show signs because they want to hide it from you. Sometimes they have suicidal thoughts off and on for years. Sometimes they have suicidal thoughts that they thought they could fight and they have for a long time but one day they lose the battle. The suicidal thoughts became too strong and overtake their mind and desire to live anymore. Sometimes they have an elated mania and are happy before they decide to end their lives. They may hear voices or think God is telling them it is time and this brings them happiness.

That is what happened to me before my last suicide attempt. I had been fighting severe suicidal thoughts for months. Often a person, especially in a manic state, refuses to believe and accept how sick they are. They think they can keep fighting whatever is happening to them. Before my last suicide attempt I had an elated mania episode and felt very happy. God told me it was time and I was ready. After I survived my suicide attempt and remembered the moment I took my handfuls of pills the reality of that moment is very scary because there was a powerful force that was out of my control. It overpowered me. Too many people say it is a choice but for me it was not.

People need to stop saying suicide is a choice because sometimes it is not a choice. The mental illness can overtake the person’s mind at the time and there is no reality to stay in because they lost their own reality. You can’t see this shift in reality or severe suicidal thoughts that are occurring inside a suicidal person’s mind.

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Suicide is very scary, but people need to know the realities and the truth. Sometimes there is no mind over matter. There is no more mind that matters. I want people to be aware of the many possibilities in the mind of someone before a suicide attempt. I know it is depressing and hard to hear, but it’s a very hard truth people must speak about and people need to listen to. It is imperative if we want to save lives and end the increasing suicide epidemic all over the world. People need to listen and know the painful truths surrounding it. It is time to end stigma and it is time to stop suicide.

Another untruth I want people to stop thinking and saying about suicide is that suicide is a selfish act. That is hogwash and the ignorance annoys me. Most people I know that have died by suicide or are suicide attempt survivors thought people would be better off without them. They are being selfless not selfish. They wholeheartedly believe people would be happy that they were gone. They think people would be better off without them. They feel like they are and have been a burden to others. They think they are helping loved ones and the world by ending their own lives. So please stop saying suicide is a SELFISH act. When you say things like that it is stigma and it hurts and negatively impacts the families of people who died by suicide and suicide attempt survivors.

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According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, 44,965 Americans die by suicide every year. For every suicide, there 25 suicide attempts. On average, there are 123 suicides per day in the United States. There are more deaths by suicide than car accident deaths per year. These statistics are from data from 2016 and the suicide rates are increasing at alarming rates today. According to the World Health Organization—WHO, it is estimated that one million people die from suicide a year. This is an epidemic that needs immediate attention.

People do not seem to pay attention to the alarmingly increasing rate of suicide until a celebrity dies by suicide or mentions they have a mental illness. Something is grotesquely wrong with that picture. Please pay attention to everyone. No one is immune to mental illness or suicide. Please listen, look, see, read, inform, talk about it, help others and love others. This is an emergency. Stop the stigma. It will save lives.

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Please stop telling people to “just get over it” and “don’t be so emotional.” We need to be emotional. We need to stop hiding our emotions and pretending we are okay when we aren’t. Hiding our feelings and who we really are is hurting people. Stigma prevents people from seeking help and getting the help they need to live good lives. Stigma kills. Stop stigma and prevent suicide. Do not wait for another celebrity to die by suicide. Help everyone now.

Everyone who has a mental illness and everyone in the world needs to have people support them, care for them and be their eyes for them. People need to look out for each other, but especially people with depression and other mental illness. I say look out for everyone because some people have mental illness but have not been diagnosed yet. They may be in denial or afraid to tell people the truth about their feelings and pain. Unfortunately, stigma puts up a wall between people’s ability to seek help.

Tear down that stigma wall one brick at a time. Start yesterday.

~Written by Susan Walz

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Copyright © 2018 Susan Walz | | All Rights reserved