Worrying has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I’ve worried about everything under the sun at one time or another.
My current worry is, am I/will I ever be successful?
I reflect on my career and finances primarily and debate with myself whether they’re successful enough.
I’ve always said that if I write for a living and am making a difference with my writing, I will be happy. For 2 years I have done that for a non-profit organization telling stories and encouraging others to donate. But I don’t make as much money as I would like. Does that make my job unsuccessful?
Because I don’t make a lot of money, it holds me back financially. I live at home with my mom because I spend almost half of my bi-weekly paychecks on student loans. I look at my bank account and shake my head because I always wish I had a few more dollars in there. Does that make me a failure?
I feel like I’m nowhere near being a success person because of my financial situation. I feel like I have failed at life.
My depression loves to play these thoughts on repeat. My mind tells me I will never amount to anything, that any dream I have will never become a reality because I am destined to fail.
I dream of writing a non-fiction book, of having a story published in a popular publication, of getting married, traveling the world and somehow paying off my student loans.
Those goals seem so unattainable that it discourages me from trying.
Next month I find out if I am getting a raise which I really, really want. If I my pay remains stagnant, I will find a new job. If I get the raise, I’ll stay on for longer. So we shall see what happens on the career front this summer!
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