Sorry Not Sorry.

 

I’m sorry. It is something I have found myself repeating often. I am sorry when someone has a bad day, when I mess up, when someone else messes up, when the weather isn’t what someone wants, when a television show is upsetting. I am sorry for things completely out of my control. What is so awful is that I mean it every time. I feel sorry from the depth of my soul. I realize that this stems from growing up in a house where guilt was the motivator for everything. I had a mother who could and does hold grudges that will most likely last until long after the world has imploded.

Someone recently said they were sorry that they don’t post as often as they should. I felt that. I feel badly when I let commitments fall to the side while I am picking up the pieces of my life. I feel worse when I am busy just being happy. I want to say something that has been on my mind the past few days.

I am not going to be sorry anymore. Would you get mad at me if I told you that I am making positive life changes that kept me from following through on my posts? Probably not because you are all beautiful people who cheer me on regardless of my manic rollercoaster tendencies. So you shouldn’t be sorry either. Honestly, I worry when people stop posting, but then I think that maybe they are on a long awaited vacation recovering from a spell and I feel better.

I hope that you aren’t sorry too. I hope that you are living your life guilt free and knowing that you have a cheerleader here. I hope you use all your best days to do what makes you happy. I personally really find writing cathartic and find myself wanting to do so on my best days. I want to share my best days with those that comforted me on my worst.

Anyone who knows me in real life will tell you that I am a professional student. I love school. I have been going to school since I was 5 and I really haven’t stopped aside from a few years of breaks here and there to utilize the skills I acquired. People seem to think that I am really smart, but the truth is education is something nobody can take from me. Nobody can claim it as their own and nobody can say that I didn’t work for it. The proof is in the paper my friends! Writing is that for me.

So don’t apologize for your happiness, don’t let anyone take away that victory lap, and don’t feel bad for just doing what you want. If mental illness has taught me anything, it is that I must savor these good days. I have to use them for the things that make me happy, that push me towards more good days.

It is a good thing that we have built a little community here. If you need to take some time to live outside of it, we will be here to fill in.

Please Forgive Me.

Please forgive me for the things I said

And for the things I didn’t

Forgive me for the outbursts

For the door slams

For the silent treatment

Forgive me for ruining something special

The dinners

The holidays

The vacations

Forgive me for the stealing

For the spending

For the hurt feelings

For the time lost

Forgive me for not knowing

For not telling

And for not seeking help sooner

Please forgive me for the other me

I don’t like her either

I forgive you

For not always understanding

For your own bouts of anger at something you cannot control

For despising the other me

For calling me crazy

I forgive you for giving up

Lord knows I have at times

I forgive you for not knowing the right things to say

And for the right time to say them

Most of all I forgive myself.