So its time a wrote a little because my health fluctuates alot, so writing has gotta help me consolidate the healthy parts of the brain.
Or at least get them moving.
So i have this psychotic delusion or depression. It’s both. It causes the depression.
(believe me or not… lol it was there)
Even though i was aware of it, and it was the real reason i went inpatient – not harm OCD. I needen’t go into it’s content, but its a fairly benign topic, but that’s not how it felt and everytime i thought i’d nailed the topic adn labelled it benign…. it would come back later. I still think, and my final psychiatrist thought, that it was not my OCD despite of course i would attempt to find ‘answers’ to it too. Psychotic feelings my friends. Delusion covered up by reasoning and a legitimate enquiry. Underestimated how it made me placid with regards reality, and memory and attentinon was often sabotaged. Sabotaged all the time, Not like a concentration isssue, more of a reality issue. I’m sure you know what i mean in some ways. In different ways to when my ocd was bad. I haven’t been able to work or do anything i would’ve wanted to do in many parallel dimensions, because of mental illness. All throughout my life. Honourable attempts have been cool to look at though.
Facts, no munchausen.
And you know what, i am really only truly going beyond both my ocd and this, now, as i work out why i could never work or pay attention to the important things throughout my life, or understand some things or be confused and disorientated by other things. Or be emotionally affected by things, even painful things, in a healthy way. Bring the pain I want pain. Not the mental illness pain. Realities’ pain.
The pain from grieving, the pain from poverty, the pain from being alone. Thats not to say the pain from my grief doesn’t exacerbate my mental illness. In some ways it does, like with others, however with regards my delusion, I’d rather sink into realities’ pain and grieve properly. Grieving is hard. But what i meant at my mother’s funeral, when i spoke with a friend, was that I already knew what it was like to experience a lot of suffering. I wasn’t disrespecting my mother, i just felt like explaining that. Perhaps i felt that i needed to talk about both my mother and my mental illness. Address both. Yea so its take me a few years to grieve and now i have.
Once or twice years ago before any real insight into why i was diagnosed, i would mention I get detached. I very polite way of saying i was suffering. Some would say ‘hey that’s a good thing, man!’ haha, nope, no it was not. I never knew how to explain how disturbed i felt.
I would feel emotion however, but they would often be misfiring, misguided exacerbated anxiety, or delusional. So I’d rather be a psychopath. Just kidding.
I’ts highly likely I am autistic spectrum disorder, but upon careful examination it hasn’t lead to inconsistent recovery, not like the OCD or this.
ill leave it there with that, i’ve got a healthy part of my brain going 😉
Self worth. What i have learned from having mental illness, is that although i would fight often like a warrior to try and have fun, it was often forced and i couldn’t quite sink in to reality enough to understand that it all comes from realisation of our own self worth.
it was just so hard to get at, breaking down all the cages and bricks mental illness produce.
symptoms are symptoms. they differ and often overlap in diagnostic DSM (4 or 5 whichever they are up to now) practice but they are very important. Psychiatric disorders differ and suffering is unique, but what i am getting at, is that its very often unique even if we had the same diagnosis.
I’m studying neuroscience now which is why im moving further along with de-legitamizing my delusion and understanding things beyond how i have in the past. (well its a good course so i kinda have to! Can’t reason my way through like i scraped on thru with in my undergrad, without understanding and engagement)
If I decide I can do it I shall return to let you know. God speed.
Authentic discourse will help with this. I am not saying i haven’t always been authentic. to the contrary. However, i haven’t always been able to write or think in ways some healthy parts of my brain know that i can. And I’d often be attempting to de-legitamize an obsession or the delusion without realizing that that was all i was attempting to do. No conflicts.
ok so, welcome let’s begin 🙂
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