If you play with fire, you just might get burnt…Mischief Managed.

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“*OOOOOO* Vlogcast 8, my intention with these vlogcasts is to share my human experience experiencing being human across the span of 365 vlogcasts, commitment, keeping myself accountable and telling my complete story and there are some blogcasts, vlogcasts that might come off a bit heavy sometimes I might be all over the place. I organically flow with what comes up. And today what’s coming up is really, I wanted to share, to share and build upon the former vlogcast when I pretty much am pouring my heart out about how hiring my second Life coach underscored what was the missing piece in my experience. Um, like why I felt lost if you will and was feeling like 5 steps forward 12 steps back whichever phrase like what I don’t know one step forward 3 steps back so that’s how I felt for, for many years and when I hired this and when I mean honestly when it started when I went through iPEC.

Let’s rewind to iPEC it stands for Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching and I joined about the tail end of, I think, the last quarter of 2018 and I graduated from iPEC, honestly, it’s been, actually, a year. Uh, 10 months of coaching and it was very, very eye-opening…there wasn’t a moment where I wasn’t being held accountable for the progress I, the healing really wasn’t even just progress was just healing, healing that I said I wanted that I’ve invested this money, energy into, “How can I break through this tug-of-war between my mind and my heart and my intuition? How can I, how can I connect them?”

And I did find some healing before coaching. I tried to build my confidence, my self confidence and doing more Art, um,  really going into, uh, social justice movements or any kind of movements…this is one of the things I’ve gotten into: Porn Kills Love. I found avenues to build a community with people.

I would learn new languages, I would travel to other countries, prat– try to practice the language. I exercised. I got back into music. I tried these things and on the outside… it seemed like I was becoming of age but really I wasn’t emotionally healing as much as I had hoped. And when I got into iPEC, they really shed light on how I was setting myself back and I wasn’t setting myself up for that emotional and spiritual breakthroughs: healing. Al– some of the behaviors were like rationalizing.

I didn’t know how much lack of accountability with myself was happening, just with myself and with my family and friends. No one was really keeping me accountable to break that, um, habit of behavior of rationalizing. And I speak of it only from my perspective and my point of view. It wasn’t working for me anymore, it wasn’t serving me anymore. Rationalizing, you know I could spin a web of things…of me rationalizing now and because of who I’ve chosen to surround myself with and the accountability partners I found, they call me out on my crap. They call me out on my story when I’m rationalizing, when I’m talking myself away from doing something I said and I initially wanted to do.

So, that accountability piece…I didn’t understand just how much I was getting in my own way until I really put it to the test. So, if I said I wanted to become fluent in French and what steps would I need to take to get there: cool! I have the actual steps to take as far as materials I might need, um, language teachers that can help me but I for some reason, even though I’m not fluent, as something that holds me back and that’s, that.

Oh, you know, I need this to be in place and not to be in Play Store I need some I need to be in the country to learn, you know, all these little things that build up as a story and I rationalize myself out of studying even if it’s 5 minutes a day. So, that’s something that we didn’t really talk about in my household because the accountability looked like someone yelling at me and telling me what to do constantly being prompted, constantly being told what to do and that’s one of the things…

I actually talked to one of my kindred spirits today about about how come when we finish school and again only can speak for myself and maybe a portion and percentage of Americans, North Americans, we go through school, we complete school, maybe do some more school and then as far as externally we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing, like inside it feels like this ginormous tug of war, like this I would love to be doing more of this or I would love to be playing more music but I know that I need to make money and I need to do this and I have to make sure that I’m falling into this category as an adult and making sure that …. so is…. suffocation almost from having the emotional space to be accountable to the emotional healing we want?

How and this is something I kind of want to talk about to put things more into perspective is, I thought I was setting myself for, myself up for success emotionally by doing things and changing things outside of myself what helped me and I did mention this in a former vlogcast is, I was conditioned to believe that’s that voice that’s telling me I’m too weak, I’m not smart enough, I’m not strong enough, how dare you, who do you think you are? That Imposter syndrome that convincing me just play it safe, you’re good where you are,

I was taught to silence that voice. I was taught, um, just, just push through and then when I went through this coaching program, iPEC, as well as the second Life coach I hired really completely shattering that belief, it’s just a belief. In fact, when’s the last time you actually listened to the voice and loved it more, not less. I mean, a revolutionary concept, I’m like.. *pbbbbtt* yeah, *laughs* oh… you’re serious, yes and I stand by that, too. That’s what I do for my clients and and it’s taught me to be more patient and compassionate towards myself, too.

–That the voice is not the enemy… it’s the disconnect between me and the voice that’s really the thing that’s the wedge between us, the straw that broke the camel’s back. That’s where most of my tension and anxiety and frustration and even the sad moments which aren’t as strong as they used to be and really not that much present. Which is phenomenal.

I used to be one of those people that would lay in bed before I open my eyes but I’m awake, I just couldn’t. I used to be that person or I should say that’s the feeling that I used to get everyday. I was making plenty of money, didn’t like my job, didn’t want to be around the people at work, didn’t want to go to work, didn’t want to be at work, didn’t care about exercising, I didn’t care about eating, I didn’t care about anything.

So, reminding myself that that bully actually has provided me grit when it challenges me it sounds like it’s telling me I’m not good enough but really it’s scared to see me fail, it’s scared to see me get hurt it’s scared to see me cry, it’s scared to see me put myself out there. It’s tells me, you know, what will people think, um, people will think you’re just doing things for attention, people will think, um, you’re desperate. People will think you’re skill-less, you know, you don’t have any skill, what do you you think you’re doing?

No one cares about what you have to say, you’re not making lots of money anyway, why are you doing this? Do you really know what you’re doing? So, I still have that self-doubt and I have moments where I go,

“Maybe I’m not cut out for this.”

I pause. I look to that voice and I go,

“You have a compelling story. What you’re saying makes a lot of sense. I get it. If I go and I make this vlogcast and tell my story, put all my personal business out and air my dirty laundry. You’re right someone might be uncomfortable with that, someone might judge me and I appreciate your concern but I’m gonna take it from here.”

Instead of kicking it and screaming at it, silencing it and telling it to get out of my house. I now remind myself my new teaching which is that voice, that me deserves more love, not less. More love, not less. Six months doesn’t seem like a long time. It felt like longer. Catching myself mid activity, mid-sentence doing something that runs completely against the grain of what I signed up for…nevermind the financial investment but like, of course, I had a lot of skin in the game.

What do i want?

What am I doing I said I want and when I don’t feel  how I want to feel am I abandoning my goals, am I abandoning my ambition, am I blowing off my dreams, am I procrastinating because I’m trying to have everything perfect first. Self-sabotage again and this all is happening in here. It’s almost like… *sigh* Life coaching is all about finding holes in logic, holes in that story you build in your head…holes in the feelings that come up that may be really tricky. The feelings come up and you know this is how I’m feeling. Perhaps. Let’s dig deeper.

What will happen if you procrastinate, if you rationalize, if you abandon what you set out to do because of the fear? A fear becomes more in charge and more powerful with every time that we stubbornly refuse to change. I had a really good story and I felt like trash. I share my story not because I want you to change. I share my story not because I think there’s anything wrong with you.

I share my story to simply shed light on the fact that we have such capability to step into our fullest, most true version of ourselves and at the slightest, slightest pin prick of resistance from the world.

*Uuuuuppp!* Nope, mm , mmmmm, mmm, mm. Nope! Don’t want it. I change my mind.

When we say we want something usually we just think of the stuff that goes well and the things that are sparkly and new and it just, is so positive. I don’t know. Perhaps I’m generalizing on to all of you in which case, that’s me, doing that. I know for me I’ve noticed patterns where I say I want something, like I want to play the Ukulele. What I, when I say that, what I think of and that makes me smile. What brings a smile to my face is like busting it out, wherever, with whomever in public, private, whatever and just strumming just *wooohooOO* easy

I didn’t ask for the work. *laughs* I didn’t ask to have to go on for hours a day to go on Google to find the chords, to write them down and memorize it. I didn’t think about any of that when I said I want to play Ukulele. I just thought about the end result. So again, it kind of ties into another Vlogcast of chasing the feeling. So I thought to myself,

“I want to, I would have my own business.”

What I thought about was the end product, like making 6 to 7 figures a year, um, working with people and and getting goose bumps on my skin for the connectiveness I feel in purpose on this planet that’s what I thought of when I said I want my own business and also working for myself.

Wow! There’s a lot of stuff, a part of my business, that I didn’t even think about that’s, it’s stress! But it’s like a different kind of stress.

When you say you want to do something and you are all in and you embrace the good, the bad, the ugly, the hard, medium, the simple parts of it and when things go really well and when things kind of are halfway there and when things don’t go well at all it’s all of it compared to the other jobs I have: part-time as an instructor, part-time as a substitute teacher, part-time as a suicide first aid instructor and then having my own business.

I would say that the amount of stress I endure and work through when it comes to building my business is astronomically, volume-wise, way more than the amount of stress I get from these other three activities that I do as a source of income. It’s actually more painful to endure the volume over here, the less stress, than business. I do these things, kind of as a means to an end, to compliment my experiences here in my business.

I also have these jobs because I feel like I have more to learn as far as my temperament, my attitude– I want to be held accountable and having these different outlooks keeps me accountable to my own attitude. Cuz there’s a lot of things that go sideways with these three things and it stresses me out. When it comes to my business, I can build that, I can build around when I genuinely want to rest but these, I don’t really have that Liberty to rest when I please. So there’s disadvantages and advantages to both but the thing that I’m trying, I’m trying to illustrate here is that accountability piece to doing things we say we want the reason why I feel the reason why and I believe, universally, the reason why people give up on things they say they want is because they don’t realize that it’s the whole: all of it, you experience all of the feeling, the emotions, the fear of missing out, the denial, what else could I be doing with my time, money, blah blah blah. In denial, you doubt why you even started getting into this, you question: should I be? Should I really be sitting on my you-know-what and coloring all day long? Should I really be creating this Vlogcast? Do I know what I’m talking about?

Keeping oneself accountable for the things we say we want, can be something easy to avoid when we rationalize our way out of it and that’s one of those habits that I have found was really setting myself up for emotional failure.

Not following through. Not putting things in my calendar or telling people what I’m doing when I tell people what I’m doing, that’s what my way of staying emotionally accountable to something I said I wanted to do.

So question:
How might a current experience… serve you if you gave that voice in your head more love not less and proceeded to do what you said you wanted to do anyway?

I visited some of your blogs, the people that have liked and engaged these vlogcasts.

You are some phenomenal human beings. I have not visited everyone’s. Something about what I say, how I say it, is resonating with you and I hope that in your journey, no matter how small you think something is that you want to do…it’s planted in you for a reason. If you feel called to it with this question and call to action. The call to action really is the cherry on top of all vlogcasts. It’s not just a blog post. I’m not just here to just blah blah blah hear myself talk. I’m here because I want to share a tool that serves me, well *laughs* many tools asking empowering questions: find that answer within to keep you accountable for the next, for the next 358 days I’m happy to be that accountability partner for you if there’s something you say you want to do, put it in the comments and I’ll bother you *laughs* I will bother you, personally bother you to see to it that you’re doing what you’re, what you said you wanted to do.

Hey, join me in this 365 day challenge, it doesn’t have to be a vlogcast but what’s something *laughs* I’m asking you another question, I’ll ask anyway..

What’s something you do you say you want to do that you haven’t done that you could see yourself completing in the next 358 days. Yes, I have a lead on you. What’s something you say you want to do that you haven’t done yet that you see yourself completing in the next 358 days?

Put in the comments and let’s see how many other people are in the same boat you are that say they want to do something they haven’t. They’re procrastinating, maybe fear of missing out, like, oh I could be doing better with my time, maybe it’s a rat race, who knows? If you want to learn an instrument again, if you want to read that book that’s been staring at you on that shelf, if you want to go do community service, if you want to find another source of income, if you want to heal from a traumatic event and look into ways to heal that you’ve never looked into before, put it in the comments, see what happens, see maybe you’ll find an accountability partner in the comments below.

Thank you so much for watching and commenting, engaging and being present in your life. Uh, please have and make it the kind of morning, afternoon and evening that you want.”

Kim Johnson
Thought Founder of Grounds For Clarity, LLC
groundsforclarity.com

Taking action and keeping yourself accountable is how to break out of the cycle of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same result. 

REcounting herstory feels a lot like staring at the sunlight filtering through the treetops..nonsensical but making all the sense in the world.

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This is Vlogcast six. One of the major things I wanted to share revolves around what most artists, performers, people that are book authors, they share their personal experience and some of those completely shifted the way that they showed up in their life. And I know I mentioned in a former vlogcast that life is an experience, um, one of the things that popped up for me thinking about what I wanted to talk about or what what am I supposed to talk about is that that Paradigm I had so recently broken out of was that the world is designed to be fixed, it’s not there’s no fixing it’s impossible it’s not designed that way we’re all connected to each other everything that happens in the world is connected to each other nothing exists independent of another incident in the entire world.

So for us to believe that we can fix something is madness. Complete madness and that lesson, the series of lessons that would unravel happened after series of what some may view As A Series of Unfortunate Events: divorce. Not me but my parents.

The first divorce I experienced was 2008 and then two more divorces around 2012 ah, no it wasn’t 2012. I want to say about 2014 2014-2015 wow the years are really flying by I think my math is failing me here but about 4 for about 4 years ago is when my parents got divorced a second time and I choose those particular events again I shared in a vlogcast before I’m very perceptive to shifts and changes energetically, attitude-wise and behaviorally in my personal and closest relationships and those are with my family members and I found that the way for me at the time that worked was to really immerse into and lean into what’s happening,

Why what has brought this feeling up? So, instead of making it personal, about me, taking offense, getting mad, lashing out yes I still did those things but then after you know I’d I pause and I really opened my mind to experience saying that in a completely different way. I’m open to experiencing this and in a different way what, what kinds of things can I do and say and ask myself and really it was, how it must be for them experiencing this experience from their side, from, from their vantage point, from their life experience and trying to really get to the core message that came up for them that had nothing to do with me and nothing to do with them it just was something.

This something, I mean, I have the terminology now and it’s ego. So, how I responded when things didn’t go well, it was very stressful for me because I took it personally even though I took the steps to emotionally detach from the situation. Lots of tears shed, lots of frowns, lots of, um, abusing self care as a way to cope with not dealing with feelings or experiencing, really experiencing feelings and now when I interact with family, close kindred spirits, friends whatever word you want to use co-workers, it’s really not about taking things personal, we are put on this Earth, to experience one another, to experience with around us to tap into different levels of awareness so we can experience things in a completely different way.

Um, my experience with divorce is going to be different from someone else’s because we were at different levels of our awareness at different times and that’s really all it’s about it’s not about oh you’re handling the situation the wrong way, you should be doing this or that’s not healthy or this or that like I’ve heard it all. All the criticisms, all the judgments that could be happening that’s really a projection of the other people’s insecurities onto me about how I should be handling the situation, how what I’m doing is wrong.

It took a lot and heapfuls and heapfulls of moments for me to finally let my anger out and express how disgusted I was with constantly telling, being told and feeling like I could be doing something better or I could have changed my attitude there or I could have smiled more or I could have dealt with that in a healthier manner how about I just am. And if you have a problem with that, that’s probably your shit, not mine. Let’s repeat that again…how about it’s not me that has the problem, I have nothing broken about me and I don’t need to be fixed if you have a problem with how I’m navigating this experience that’s your shit not mine and we tend to,  I experienced this too where I didn’t put that for lack of a better word boundary up to say no this is my experience, I’m going to experience it the way that feels right to me and I’m going to choose because there’s something here that’s reflecting something within myself that is meant to be experienced in a whole new way.

Nothing personal truly nothing personal at all.  Had this conversation so many times with other people it’s nothing personal, truly that’s not a cop out, truly, is nothing personal. I am just another human being being human just like you and if I want to tap into and if I feel called to or drawn to or something about the situation is expressing this different level of awareness I’m going to go with it because why, because my intuition is guiding me in that direction. When I stopped trying to control the situation, when I stopped trying to micromanage feelings, when I stopped apologizing, when I stopped rationalizing and just let go of trying to be in control all the time, things got a lot less personal, really quick. But it took years of me bashing my head against the wall to finally get it: there are no right or wrong answers. At all! And to, obviously that’s going to be interpreted in a slew of different ways.

The point is, anytime we get triggered by something, anytime I got triggered by something let’s put this back on me, anytime I got triggered by something, anytime I get triggered by something I distance myself emotionally from that and I go, “Huh, that’s really interesting. Just because I feel a certain way it doesn’t mean I am that way. If I feel like an asshole, doesn’t mean I am an asshole. If I feel like I’m being a bitch, it doesn’t mean I am a bitch. If I feel like I’m being evasive, avoidant, if I feel like I’m backing out, it doesn’t mean that I’m weak. Just because I like doing multiple projects, just because I like having different sources of income, just because I like, it doesn’t mean that I’m this transcendent, sun shines out my ass, person. The only reason I bring this up is because these are observations that I make of myself and others bring to the table of me.

What is so…this is a lot easier said than done and it looks different for everyone, of putting your foot down, declaring that you’re not the world’s doormat anymore and being open to experiencing an experience, experiencing an A-N, experience in a whole new way. Because maybe you’re tired of experiencing life in this way and you want to experience it a different way. I think that’s amazing. That is awesome. You’re tired of feeling like shit, if you’re tired of pretending to be happy all the time or maybe you are happy all the time and you want to experience some deep, melancholic stories.

There are, there so many people on this planet, we could experience something without personally, physically, you know, like I said we’re all connected, experiencing it for ourself. Being open to receiving that maybe someone else’s experience is going to directly challenge yours and what you held to be true and what you held to believe was, was fact or what you held onto so strongly as a basis of making sense of who you are. I think most of us don’t know who we are and that’s okay. What’s so wrong with that.

I tell this to my Kindred Spirits all the time: you don’t owe me anything. I don’t expect anything of you. Makes no sense the way you were five minutes ago is not the way I anticipate you being the, in the next five minutes or for the way you were five years and you wake up and one day you decide that’s just not who you are, that’s fine. That’s phenomenal. And trying to make sense of everything, trying to put everything in its cubby-hole, trying to you know go slow to go fast, there are moments for that there, I mean there’s so many different turns of the phrases, words, phenomena, labels, titles, um, you can read piles and piles of books all day long, there’s so much information out there that teaches us how to experience things in different ways but instead of just going out there and experiencing it we’re literally just sitting and experiencing.

I inadvertently limited myself by falling into this, this trap that I have to make sense to everyone, that everything I do has to make sense to people I work with. Having to fulfill all these expectations of what people have of me and feeling obligated to respond, obligated to be in someone’s life, obligated, obligated.  Expectation … *deep exhaled sigh* it’s enough to make someone’s head explode. I know that’s how I felt until recognizing that nothing belongs to me even though I feel a certain way doesn’t mean I am. And as an entity all my own… there’s no, there’s no connection– forced, expressed or implied with anyone or anything. It’s always a choice. That’s something when I get in an ego State of Mind– you know: victim, angry, rationalizing or putting others before myself –when I catch myself in those states of mind I go, “Okay, is it a choice? Is this where I want to be? Is this how I want to feel? And is it actually who I am?”

So just raising my awareness, asking myself those empowering questions of, yeah it kind of hurts and it kind of doesn’t have to hurt. It’s about experiencing and shifting our relationship with those negative feelings has been a journey. I just had a zoom call yesterday with our Community Mental Health folx and one of the things I talked about was toxic positivity. It’s when you are bombarded with information wherever you may be predominantly social media though, where you see everyone’s feed saturated with positive things– it’s not really representative of the whole– and it also subliminally can send this message of, “You’re not supposed to be negative, that’s not how, that, that’s not normal, you shouldn’t be…” But over time what I experienced anyway from that toxic positivity was a denial and a suppression, avoidance of anything negative.. so that whole,  “I’m fine.” It’s gonna come come bite you in the ass eventually. It sure bit me in the ass.

So, one of the things that I’m actively doing and constantly actively doing is just checking in with myself, you know, how to, what’s triggering and what’s coming up and recognizing that there’s advantages and disadvantages to every point of view the rationalizing part of it so just being candid, open and honest. That being human is something that we constantly will experience and it will not stop. The self-doubt, will not stop, the fear of what people will think of you will not stop, feeling not good enough will not stop having that message there will not stop but what can stop is letting it be in control. It doesn’t have to be in control.

Question: in what area of your life could your experience expand if you were to be more emotionally detached? So, in what area of your life could be experienced differently if you practiced detached involvement? In what area of your life could you experience things differently if you practiced more detached involvement? So, detached involvement just is basically experiencing everything in the moment and then taking yourself out of the story and really looking at it and it in an objective way That’s a tool that helps me all the time and I spend less time stumbling around on my face. I think that’s something all of us would like to experience a little bit more: just less self-doubt, less fear or less shrinking and less, uh. diminishing ourselves. Have a, you know make your morning your afternoon and evening whatever way you want it to be.”

Kim Johnson
Thought Founder of Grounds For Clarity, LLC
groundsforclarity.com

Playing it small in life, holding ourselves back, hiding, downplaying our true selves, is unsustainable in the run. I tried it. It doesn’t feel spectacular and it permeates through every aspect of your life. Do you hear it in my voice? I was all over the place! So what?! Tell your story! 🙂 I believe in you.

The Bipolar Writer and I see you. Would you like help with that? Who do you know that gets others breakthroughs, face the shadows of their past and raise your awareness to a whole new way of life? 

Dream It, and Then Just Do It

I was reminded today that if you want something you just have to go for it. It’s easy to sit and dream away the pounds, spend the money you will earn from all the success you are planning, hear the accolades in your head from those who are inspired by your work, imagine how your book will smell when you flip the pages, how the cover will emulate the amazing words on the inside, what kind of author picture you will take and how it will look sitting in the Barnes and Nobles….sorry, got distracted by my fantasy 😊

It’s important to dream, we need to dream, small, big, feasible and even what some may call impossible.  Dreaming fuels us, it’s exciting, it drives us outside of our comfort zone toward where we are meant to be, but many times this is where we stay, in dreamland. We know what we have to do, we know that in order to run a marathon we must train, and yet as we dream of the finish line, the early mornings, the long miles and the sacrifices are just not as glamorous as the medal. We know that in order to have a successful business, we must build it from nothing, and it takes time, effort, blood, sweat and tears, and in order to publish a book, you must write one. We know this, and yet we sit in dreamland, frustrated our dream hasn’t happened yet and wondering why.

You may have figured out by now, this is really my personal pep talk. I need to replace all the we’s with I’s, but I feel better about myself if I’m not the only one getting lectured 😉The frustration I have for myself can sometimes be overwhelming because every time I think I’ve defeated that pesky fear, it shows up as procrastination, social media, Netflix binges, social media, cleaning out and organizing closets that have never bothered me until the moment I sit down to write, and social media. Man, I really need social media anonymous. Its just so easy to fall into the blackhole of pointless thought, cute dogs and funny cats. It’s like a vacation for the mind, but it can be so difficult to reign it in.

Fear masks itself in many tricky ways, but the worst is when it appears in its true form, and whispers, “you’re not good enough”.  However, this post is my reminder, that the last time I looked fear in the face for the lie it really is, I wrote my first children’s book cover to cover 13k words in 10 days. I just did it and it felt amazing.

So today, after getting into the ring with fear once again I am reminding myself of that moment, and how I squeezed my dream tight, let it go and then chased it until it was mine.  Our dreams are ours, in our hearts, on so many personal levels for so many reasons, but until we make up our minds to share it, that’s exactly where it will stay, but the moment we let go and begin to chase it, the more likely that dream will become our reality.

Keep dreaming, and just go for it!

Much Love,

Lisa J

Procrastination, Another Word for Fear

Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear. ― George Addair

fear pic        Photo by Pixabay

Most of my life I have been plagued with anxiety, and while suffering from it has been difficult, hiding it has been much easier. On the outside I would come off as maybe a little intense or excitable, but not anxious. However, inside, I was a wreck. My mind would be racing while my heart would follow. I would feel as if there was a storm that I couldn’t control internally shifting me for reasons I couldn’t explain. On top of the emotional chaos, anxiety has a way of playing tricks on my mind, and for a very long time, I allowed it to dictate my thoughts and ultimately my actions in this adventure called life.

While there are many reasons behind my anxiety, fear is the most profound. Fear of spiders, natural heights, massive crowds, my laundry pile, gloomy weather, unfamiliar places, losing someone I love, or one that kept me from truly living for so many years, rejection.

Rejection, not meeting up to someone’s expectation, or being left out, is/was (I’m working on it) paralyzing for me. Was it a learned thought process rather than a born one, I would answer yes, aren’t most fears learned at one time or another? When did I learn it? I may tell you that it was the 2nd grade when I was completely embarrassed for blowing my nose from a cold in front of the class and they all laughed, or because I was almost six foot tall in middle school and towered over not just the girls, but the boys as well, but honestly, I’m not sure exactly when I learned it, and maybe it was a progressive compilation of many moments, but no matter how it happened, or when it happened, it scared the hell out of me.

As with my anxiety, I learned to hide this fear by pretending all was good, life was grand, and that every decision I made I made with upmost, pigheaded confidence. I would be so convincing to others that I began to convince myself. Although I never realized it then, lying to myself became the norm and along with lying as a defense mechanism for my fear, I recently learned that procrastination was a sneaky “characteristic” that not only kept me from facing that fear, but gave me the ultimate excuse. It was part of my personality, it was who I was.

I look back and I am beside myself to think of all the times procrastination either delayed a blow to the ego, avoided frightening confrontation or kept me from rejection all together. What I wasn’t seeing back then was that eventually it all caught up with me, and if I would have just dealt with the situation in the moment it wouldn’t have been so difficult later.

I’ve only recently admitted these facts about my personality to myself, because only recently have I realized how prominent I use this mechanism in my life, and only recently did it truly click why. My revelation came when I was asking for universal guidance and then questioning my own actions in the process. As I’ve said in many of my previous posts, my true path is to inspire, and my goal is to do so as an author. Funny thing is though, to be an author, you have to write a book.

I have the ideas, I have the words, I even have the outline, but for some reason I cannot get myself to start page one. In this moment, I thought about all the reasons I haven’t begun, like I’m too busy at work, I have too many obligations, I feel blocked, I need to meditate instead, I have to binge watch Netflix, it’s too nice outside, I have to prep dinners (which I absolutely never do, but it’s been an excuse), and the list goes on and on, and then suddenly the light bulb went off in my head, it finally dinged. I am terrified.

Being on a solid stretch of self-discovery and sharing my journey, and what helps me along the way has opened my eyes to who I really am, and to the lies that anxiety and fear have been telling me for so long. I am procrastinating. I am so afraid I either won’t finish, or I won’t succeed that I continue to make excuses to not takes steps toward my goal. This frustrates and angers me, but most of all, it saddens me.

In so many aspects of my life I have taken incredible leaps and bounds toward my truth, and encourage others to do the same, but for this, my ultimate dream, I’m so scared of it disappearing, I’m paralyzed at the notion of trying. Even right now, I should be writing Chapter One, but instead, I’m writing about how I’m not writing.

With these new-found revelations, I decided that it is time to take my own advice. While I’m nervous typing these words, I am consciously aware why I am standing still, and consciously aware that I need to get over it. I will write my book and I will start now.

As we walk our paths within our true selves understanding that we are here for a reason, we cannot let fear hold us back. I know this, and I now know more than ever that it is my choice to stay where I’m at or step toward my purpose. Today, I choose to take that step, I hope all who read this do too.

Much Love,

Lisa J

As a side note, when I began blogging, I was also terrified, but today, I am truly grateful for this platform as without it and without the opportunity to share my thoughts, I may still be paralyzed by fear. Thank you for allowing me to share my story and thank you for reading. ❤