If Only, a poem about motherhood

“If only, if only,” the young mother sighs, “I did all the chores;” there’s hope in her eyes.
She washes and foldses and relocates toys.
She vacuums and bleaches and separates boys.

“If only, if only,” the young mother shouts, “You’d not kill your brother when I’m not about.”
She wrestles and time-outs and wait till Dad’s homes.
She chastens and kisses and picks up her phone.

“If only, if only,” the young mother frets, “I didn’t buy takeout whenever we’re stressed.”
She hustles and buckles and drives to the queue.
She searches and scrounges and pays for the food.

“If only, if only,” the young mother fears, “When I spent the money, the money was there.”
She saves scraps and worries and checks the receipts.
She eats less and coupons and admits defeats.

“If only, if only,” the young mother pleads, “You’d all go to bed so that there’s time for me.”
She chases and washes and brushes their teeth.
She last-drinks and stories and wishes sweet dreams.

She closets and darkens and blocks all her calls.
She’s lonely and hopeless and sees only walls.
“If only, if only,” the young mother cries, waiting for change till the day that she dies.

If you feel trapped like this, send me a message. At the very least, we can swap diaper stories.

daiga-ellaby-699188-unsplash

Daiga Ellaby

Introduction

If you have ever ridden a roller coaster, you understand the excitement and fear that courses through your mind and body as you burst through the track. You experience such an intense jolt of so many emotions as your breath is stolen from falling and you only have enough time to take another breath as you ascend. In a lot of ways, bipolar disorder seems to share many similarities. It seems to change a person drastically in mere moments and can even span episodes for days at a time. You never know how you will feel when you wake up in the morning. You never know what will happen to send you spiraling into a depressive episode. I often like to call it a “Jekyll and Hyde” effect in my personal blog.

I am Shelton Fisher and recently I have been given the privilege to be a contributing writer for The Bipolar Writer. I am a 25 year old with a full time job, an amazing wife, and the two best dogs in the world. I used to be a decent musician and writing has become a passion of mine. Amid the wonderful things that life has provided for me, I have mental health issues that fight me tooth and nail on a regular basis. Anxiety has been a familiar part of my life since I was a child, but alcoholism and panic attacks made me realize that I needed to finally address these problem medically. In September of last year I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and began a regimen of serotonin inhibitors and recently I have began seeing a therapist. After several sessions addressing my childhood behaviors and my current behaviors, we have discussed that I may be bipolar and the symptoms honestly surprised me.

As I continue the journey into my mental health to confirm a diagnosis and discover how to live a better life, I want to include you through personal stories, free verse poetry, and the occasional informative post. I am not a professional by any means, but I am living proof that mental health is a war to be won. If you have ever been afraid to speak, afraid to make a move, lost motivation and hope, hurt yourself because you couldn’t find the right words or felt trapped inside your body, screamed at the top of your lungs with tears rolling down your boiling red cheeks, self medicated with alcohol or drugs, fallen into depression for no apparent reason, or just want to know how I am handling things, my posts are for you.

Reflecting on my Big Freelance Project

I am nearing the end of my first big freelance project of 2018. It was a transcribing and formatting job for a local writer, Terry Fisher, for her upcoming book of odes titled “Inside and Out.”

It’s been a great learning experience in how the self-publishing route works. I seem to be moving towards the inevitable direction for self-publishing my own memoir.

It was great to work with the local author on a long-term project versus my shorter freelance projects because I really got to know the author. See into the mind of another writer who is a lot like me.

You see, if you read the Ode to Depression that I posted last week, you see the long-term effects of how depression can have on someone. I know I worry a lot about what the future holds for someone like me and it was great to see another artist achieving her goals in a big way.

I also learned that you can really reflect your own life within your writing. The process can be an arduous one, but I never one say Terry give up even as things went wrong. I saw real power and determination even when there are no guarantees in this life.

My local fellow author Terry Fisher is really writing her book for herself. I can respect that in every way possible. It takes great strength to put your work out there not knowing what will become of it. Even if she is writing for herself, from what I have seen doing the transcription work for her book, the book has real potential.

So I wanted to say here on my blog Thank you, Terry. It has been an amazing journey. I know we have a few minor things to do but we are at the finish line.

I am, as always looking for freelance work. If you have a job let me know. I have been doing content writing a lot yesterday and I could write blog posts for your blog.

J.E. Skye