Throwing Anger Around Like Confetti.

What is going on? This is how it began. My diagnosis. It began with anger that I seemingly couldn’t control. It came out of nowhere and had no reasoning. I all but ran towards help for fear that I would lose my family, friends, my job.

It’s back.

I feel like my whole life is defined by my anger. I am not making excuses. Everyone gets angry, but I have learned to distinguish justified (by me) anger and bipolar anger. I know that getting upset when someone speaks is not justified. I felt like it was getting better. SO. MUCH. BETTER.

I really cannot remember the last time I was this angry all the time. It snuck up on me. It is an unbearable rush of animosity that I can’t quite swallow. I can’t hide it. It creeps up and jumps out. It is always lurking in the shadows behind my joy. I have a silver tongue. It is my weapon of choice, but I didn’t invite it here. I didn’t invite it to a sunny afternoon of crafting, I didn’t invite it to a facetime conversation with my sister, I didn’t invite it to Thanksgiving dinner.

Someone else being right is not a reason to be angry.

Missing an ingredient for pie is not a reason to be angry.

Being asked if I was up late because I slept in is not a reason to be angry.

And yet I am.

So angry that I called a friend a bitch.

So angry that I broke a perfume bottle.

So angry that I intentionally left the ham out overnight so nobody could have leftovers.

A vengeful, spiteful, destructive hate that I throw around like confetti.

I often question if the medication is actually helping or If I am just having highs and lows and the in betweens. That maybe the in betweens were the past few months and it was just an unusual length of okayness.

I am not okay today.

And that is okay.

Music That Changes my Mood Pt. 18

This week I am featuring somewhat of a repeat of a post I have done before on The Bipolar Writer– my obsession with Korean Pop group Girls Generation (I listen to a lot of K-pop, but they are my favorite.) I have been obsessed for years with Korean and Japanese culture, and music really is what gets me through so much in this mental illness life. So here are some of my favorite songs, straight from my K-pop playlist on iTunes music.

An American Obsession With Girls Generation Pt. 2

I Got A Boy

All My Love Is For You

Baby Maybe

Everyday Love

Dancing Queen

Gee

Into The New World


One Last Time

Light Up The Sky

Baby Baby

Dear Mom

Well, that is it. I really love to do these music related posts. They’re mostly for me but I do love to share this with my followers.

James

Photo Credit:

Music That Changes my Mood – Part 14

It has been a few weeks since I did one of these, and with my growing depression this week, music has been the main thing getting me through each day. Also listening to my audiobooks have helped. I wanted to share some of what I listened to this week. I think eventually I will repeat some songs, but hey that comes with the territory.

You can find my complete list of music that changes my mood here: Favorite Music

I also wrote a social anxiety post that really goes with this post: Ten Things I Wish People Knew About My Social Anxiety Life

Mood Changing Music – Part 14

Girls Generation – Into the World

Avril Lavigne – Wish You Were Here

Avril Lavigne – I’m With You

Paramore ft. Joy Williams – Hate To See Your Heart Break

Taylor Swift – Teardrops on my Guitar

Joy Williams – Before I Sleep

Hey Monday – Candles

Tonight Alive – Lonely Girl

Girls Generation  – Everyday Love

Girls Generation – One Last Time

Against the Current  – Gravity

Paramore – Rose Colored Boy

Well, That is it for this addition of music that changes my mood.

Always keep FIghting.

J.E. Skye

Photo Credit: unsplash-logoLeio McLaren

Music That Changes my Mood Pt. Two

I have to admit, I was in a dark place over the last few days. Its why writing “My Familiar Companion” turned out to be just what I needed to turn a page. Since then I finished another feature article (coming tomorrow) and I began the reorganization of my memoir “The Bipolar Writer.”

I wanted to continue with this series of music that helps change my mood. I am drafting off a playlist and just music that makes me feel good. My music collection is quite big and I listen to pretty much anything and everything. So I wanted to share more songs that always cheer me up when I am depressed.

Weightless – All Time Low

If you listen to the lyrics of All Time Low’s song Weightless you will understand why this song has been a great part of my life. A lot of All Time Low songs will most likely be featured in this series because their lyrics are about real life.

Paramore – That’s What You Get

I have loved the music Paramore releases since day one. I have seen them live more than any other band and they rank as my #1 favorite band. There are few Paramore songs that I don’t listen to when life gets me down. That’s what you get is a song with real-life lyrics which I always love about my music selection.

Somewhere in Neverland – All Time Low

Somewhere in Neverland is just a good song and it has great lyrics about love and finding that one person. We have all had that one person who we wanted them to run away with us.

Paramore – Still Into You

Still into You is the perfect love song. Seriously. You can’t listen to this song and think of that one person in your life. It could be your partner or your best friend. Paramore always brings the best songs.

Boys Like Girls – Two Is Better than One

This song always reminds me of what I have been missing all these years when I made the decision to end my last relationship. Ever since I haven’t brought anyone in, but this song always makes me smile about the future. You never know, and two is better than one.

Taylor Swift – Teardrops on My Guitar

Why not end with a Taylor Swift song. Believe it or not, this song is on my playlist and it always puts me a good mood. I think its the whole hopeless romantic side of me.

So, here is part two of music that changes my depression mood. Enjoy. Leave comments. Whatever you need.

mohammad-metri-421904.jpg

Always Keep Fighting

J.E. Skye

Photo Credit:

unsplash-logoAlice Moore

unsplash-logoMohammad Metri

My Weekly Wrap-Up 12/11 – 12/16

These weekly wrap-ups are always good for me because it marks the end of one week of The Bipolar Writer blog and the start of another. I spend so much of my week organizing what I will write that it is important to look back, and see how my journey unfolded. So, with that, here is this week’s weekly wrap-up.

One of the biggest things of this week is that I started to receive the responses from the first group of feature article participants. I have completed one feature which goes live in the coming week, and I am about half way through another. For those who haven’t received questions just know you are on the list and will receive them in the next group. I am in the final week of my current semester, and super busy, but in my winter break, I will be writing full-time on the features for my blog and my memoir.

So here is what I talked about on blogs this week.

Changes

In “Changes” I talked about finally finding balance with my medication and specifically my Ativan and Seroquel. It took finally getting through to my psychiatrist that changes needed to be made. This post really reflects just how bad my anxiety particularly at night had really made life hard, but a change in medication helped stabilize my life in a positive direction.

A Look at Japanese Anime in American Culture

This blog post was a feature article I wrote in a journalism class earlier this year, and I wanted to post it now to showcase my feature writing experience. If you have followed my blog for a while you know my obsession with Korean culture, but I have have been equally obsessed with Japanese culture and anime since I was a kid. This article is a small glimpse of a major influence in my life.

When Life Throws you a Curveball

Not every day is good in the life of someone who is Bipolar. It goes without saying that even with the good days, there will be days where everything goes wrong. In this blog post, I talk about a single day and how everything that could go wrong, did. I did learn that though these days happen, there is always tomorrow.

Things Better Left Unsaid

I have always strived to be honest here on The Bipolar Writer blog, and that will never change. In “Things Better Left Unsaid” I talk about how, as open as I have been on this blog, there are still things in my past that I have trouble discussing. Eventually, one thing in my past may make it here on my blog, but I decided on this blog post to at least dedicate a single chapter in my memoir so I can sort through this particular topic. It will take time, but for now, I will always be truthful in what I do write about here on my blog,

Music That Changes my Mood Part 1

This is the beginning of a series that will make its way to my blog over the next few months. I have a playlist on my iTunes with the specific purpose of songs that change my mood when I am depressed. So, I decided to share these songs and what they mean to me. Music has always been a major part of how I get along every day. In my life three things are always certain, music, writing, and coffee.

My Social Anxiety Life Part Seven

I can’t believe I have already written seven parts in this series. “My Social Anxiety Life” was the first series I ever decided to write on this blog. In this blog post, I talk about the future of what my plans are for dealing with my social anxiety. One of my New Years resolutions is to finally once and for all find balance in my social anxiety. I have major travel plans in 2018 and I know there is a lot of work ahead of me to conquer some of the triggers of my social anxiety.

Origins of my Pseudonym

This small post just breaks down my pseudonym James Edgar Skye. It gives insight and the thought process of choosing my pen name.

When did I Get my Depression Under Control?

It was a surprise when I looked back on the last couple of weeks in my log that tracks my depression and anxiety every day on a scale from 1-10, that a trend was happening. It is a very basic scale, but it gives me a chance to rate where I am at every day. I discovered that since the beginning of November (when I peaked at a 9 in the first week of the month) I have seen a steady incline in my depression, a rare feat during the winter time. Looking at logs from last year at this time I was at an 8-9 level every day. It’s nice to see myself at 3-5 most days, which means I manage my depression better.

What a week. I am always amazed that, despite the fact that everything seems impossible every Monday, that things end up working out. I blogged almost every day, my school work is up to date, I’m excelling in my classes, and I worked on my memoir. Right now I am all for moving forward.

Always Keep Fighting

J.E. Skye

Photo Credit: unsplash-logoAli Yahya

Music That Changes my Mood Pt. 1

All my life I have used music to get through the toughest night time depression and anxiety. I do plan on writing a post about how I use music (its a component of CBT training) but with this post, I wanted to share some songs that have helped me and have become a major part of a playlist on my iTunes that is for the sole purpose of changing my mood. So here are a few songs.

Fly – Jessica

This is my go-to song when I feel depressed the last few months. The words are amazing as is the singer. It’s in Korean but the English version is amazing as well.

Meg and Dia – Nineteen Stars

This song is quite special to me. It came to me from a friend and since listening to this song in 2006 it has always been my go-to song when I am depressed.

Jimmy Eat World – The Middle

This song has always been amazing and it the power of the words always helps me when my thoughts are dark.

Flyleaf – So I Thought

This song always reminds me of people that I have lost in my life due to my illness. That isn’t a bad thing at all.

Taylor Swift – Clean (Cover by Kina Grannis)

Clean is an amazing song that envokes real emotions about the relationships that we have had and how hard it is to get clean.

That is it for this addition, I am thinking of doing this once a week because music is one of the best things in life.

J.E. Skye

Photo Credit: unsplash-logoSimon Noh