I have spent the last several months going to work and going home. Not much socializing. Sometimes once a month I would go out if invited to something. I was trying to save money. And I was trying to work on myself. I went to counseling and did other activities to pull myself out of depression. I don’t have insurance so that was the best I could do. I remember feeling alone often. I looked for ways to stay busy and distract myself from how I felt. I wished I could afford to go out and spend time with even one person.
As I was getting to a better place with my finances, the pandemic happened. Everything shut down. I lost a lot of work. Other than concerns for my income, my daily routine didn’t change much. I couldn’t read a book at a coffee shop, but I could live without that. I had grown more comfortable with myself and didn’t mind the alone time. I still feel alone but it doesn’t bother me as much. I’ve grown to a place where I enjoy cooking again. I read more. I write fiction more. My creative ideas are never ending.
During the pandemic, there were videos of celebrities feeling upset during social distancing. This reminded me of how I felt. I realized there wasn’t anything wrong with me or how I felt. We were all reacting in a normal way to isolation. I hope people are discovering new things about themselves. If you’re bored during isolation, you need new hobbies. If you’re alone and uncomfortable, you need to love yourself and enjoy your own company. We all should set time aside to be alone. It’s important to our wellbeing. Find your happiness in the alone time.
James Pack is a self-published author of poetry and fiction. Information about his publishing credits can be found on his personal blog TheJamesPack.com. He resides in Tucson, AZ.
It is completely acceptable to stay alive for tiny reasons. Because you want to hear your favorite song one more time. Because your pet will miss you if you leave. The moon is just too pretty to never see. The beautiful sunsets are just too precious to never see again. Because you haven’t seen the next season of a really good TV show. Because you want to see the Christmas lights this year. If you are alive, you are doing enough.
So we push, to tear down the walls. Of the box that life has left us in to keep us away. And now we push to stay together. Know that nobody is going to save us from ourselves. The bad memories will knock us down. The good memories will lift us up. If you are surviving, just know that I am proud of you.
Thank you for being with me. Let us rebuild a healthy state of mind.
I am not sure that there is a right answer to this question. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy where my life is at the moment. I am moving forward, and life isn’t passing me by. I am doing my best to meet life head-on in hopes that the current trend will stay true.
2018 has been an interesting year for me. I have grown so much as a writer than where I was at this time last year. I achieved some great things. I finally finished my bachelor’s degree, and I am in the beginning stages of working on my master’s degree. I finished my memoir, and it is close to being published. This blog has become this amazing thing in my life, and I hope it is also that way for anyone following this blog. I have nothing to complain about if I am honest.
There is just one thing missing in my life. Someone to share it all with… I will, again, be honest, but I have not been looking for a relationship. I decided a long time ago I need to get my life back on track and find some success before I even think about bringing someone into my life.
That still holds true today, but given this time of year, it would nice to have someone to spend some time within the little free time I have lately. That brings me back full circle. Is it possible to be happy without someone at your side?
I am not great at letting people into my life. This life, the mental illness life, is always too messy. I keep everyone in my life at a distance. It is the best way to keep people from getting hurt. I have hurt the people closest to me when it comes to this life. Could I let someone into my life that doesn’t understand what it is like to live with a mental illness? That is the other side of this coin because the truth is if you haven’t lived this life it is harder to understand. The stigma is real, and I am still learning to love myself first.
That is why we fight to end the stigma. Maybe next year when my memoir is published, and life is a quieter I will find a way to let people into my life.
That is where I will end this… Let me know your thoughts!
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