Guns N’ Roses Welcome to the Jungle blaring on my Dad’s state of the art stereo system. A fifth of Peach Schnapps and two 14 year old girls looking for a good time. We invited two 18 year old guys to come over since my parents were out of town. We had met them previously at Star World, which was a teen dance club/hangout at the time. We were still young and somewhat naive, but we were oblivious to the desires and intent of 18 year old men. Our definition of having a good time was completely different than their definition. We were all hanging out and drinking copious amount of alcohol and it didn’t take long for me to become fall-down drunk. Bipolar, which now I’m convinced I already had at the time, and alcohol are not a good combination. The next thing I knew, I was in my bedroom with one of the guys and kind of in and out of it from all the alcohol coursing through my veins. He proceeded to get me on my bed. Next thing I knew he was taking my clothes off. I was frightened, but didn’t want to seem childlike, so I just went along with what he was doing. I just remember being in a lot of pain, dazed and feeling really ashamed and dirty. When he was finished, I stumbled to the bathroom and noticed I was bleeding. I was scared, crying and did not want to leave the bathroom. I was spinning from the alcohol and remember vomiting several times. Once I had the courage to come out of the bathroom, I asked my friend to tell them to leave. I couldn’t even look at him. They left and I confided in my friend what had happened. She tried consoling me, but there was nothing anyone could say to make me feel alright. I kept this a secret from my parents, as I didn’t want to get in trouble and I was scared of what they would do. This one act would change the trajectory of my life and send me spiraling down a path of destruction, hurt and pain…
Prior to this event, I was already on a path of wild abandon. I can remember me and my best friend at the time experimenting with kissing, touching and going down on each other at 10-11 years old. Gasp! I know, I can hardly believe it myself! Our maturity and capability to understand what we were actually doing and the implications were severely lacking. I also remember being suicidal during this time frame. I again, never told my parents, because I did not want to upset them. I struggled internally on my own for a long time. I would run away from home for days/weeks at a time. I was running with the wrong crowd and was exposed to alcohol and drugs. Not a good combination for someone with a mental illness. I remember my parents calling the cops and they came looking for me at a friends house and I was hiding in a closet not wanting to go back home. I don’t know why I was so rebellious, I didn’t have a bad upbringing. My parents were both loving and worked hard for us. Nevertheless, I always felt lost and like I didn’t matter. I think that is why I was always seeking attention – even if it was negative.
In future blogs I will document the course of my life and all the crazy, wild things I have been through! I am sad I did not have a personal relationship with Jesus during my early years. I did not grow up attending church; although, I did go to a Baptist church with my cousins every now & again. Those encounters just made me scared of Jesus – fire, hell and damnation were preached. From there on out I just thought I was going to die and go to hell. I now believe that Christ took me through this journey so I could be a testament to his love, grace and forgiveness. It was not until the age of 25 that I was saved. The events that took place until then are quite unbelievable and I’m very lucky to be here today to tell my story! I strongly believe in living your truth and not being ashamed of your past. I had a brain illness that I had no idea about at the time. I try to give myself grace and compassion for my younger self. I did not get the treatment that I needed, as my parents thought I was just being a rebellious teenager. A lot of damage to my soul and agony ensue on my journey to forgiveness. If you or anyone you know is lost and searching, please reach out to me! I have been there tenfold and I am here for you!
2 Corinthians 5:17
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he/she is a new creation;
The old has gone, the new has come!”
“God has more in store for you than you can even imagine.”