Loss of Innocence (Fall 1987-14 Years Old)

Guns N’ Roses Welcome to the Jungle blaring on my Dad’s state of the art stereo system.  A fifth of Peach Schnapps and two 14 year old girls looking for a good time.  We invited two 18 year old guys to come over since my parents were out of town. We had met them previously at Star World, which was a teen dance club/hangout at the time.  We were still young and somewhat naive, but we were oblivious to the desires and intent of 18 year old men.  Our definition of having a good time was completely different than their definition.  We were all hanging out and drinking copious amount of alcohol and it didn’t take long for me to become fall-down drunk.  Bipolar, which now I’m convinced I already had at the time, and alcohol are not a good combination.  The next thing I knew, I was in my bedroom with one of the guys and kind of in and out of it from all the alcohol coursing through my veins.  He proceeded to get me on my bed.  Next thing I knew he was taking my clothes off.  I was frightened, but didn’t want to seem childlike, so I just went along with what he was doing.  I just remember being in a lot of pain, dazed and feeling really ashamed and dirty.  When he was finished, I stumbled to the bathroom and noticed I was bleeding.  I was scared, crying and did not want to leave the bathroom.  I was spinning from the alcohol and remember vomiting several times.  Once I had the courage to come out of the bathroom, I asked my friend to tell them to leave.  I couldn’t even look at him.  They left and I confided in my friend what had happened.  She tried consoling me, but there was nothing anyone could say to make me feel alright.  I kept this a secret from my parents, as I didn’t want to get in trouble and I was scared of what they would do.  This one act would change the trajectory of my life and send me spiraling down a path of destruction, hurt and pain…

Bipolar Quote
 photo credit:mostphrases.blogspot.com

Prior to this event, I was already on a path of wild abandon.  I can remember me and my best friend at the time experimenting with kissing, touching and going down on each other at 10-11 years old.  Gasp!  I know, I can hardly believe it myself!  Our maturity and capability to understand what we were actually doing and the implications were severely lacking.  I also remember being suicidal during this time frame. I again, never told my parents, because I did not want to upset them.  I struggled internally on my own for a long time.  I would run away from home for days/weeks at a time.  I was running with the wrong crowd and was exposed to alcohol and drugs.  Not a good combination for someone with a mental illness.  I remember my parents calling the cops and they came looking for me at a friends house and I was hiding in a closet not wanting to go back home.  I don’t know why I was so rebellious, I didn’t have a bad upbringing.  My parents were both loving and worked hard for us.  Nevertheless, I always felt lost and like I didn’t matter.  I think that is why I was always seeking attention – even if it was negative.

Bipolar me
 Me at 14 years of age

In future blogs I will document the course of my life and all the crazy, wild things I have been through!  I am sad I did not have a personal relationship with Jesus during my early years.  I did not grow up attending church; although, I did go to a Baptist church with my cousins every now & again.  Those encounters just made me scared of Jesus – fire, hell and damnation were preached.  From there on out I just thought I was going to die and go to hell.  I now believe that Christ took me through this journey so I could be a testament to his love, grace and forgiveness.  It was not until the age of 25 that I was saved.  The events that took place until then are quite unbelievable and I’m very lucky to be here today to tell my story!  I strongly believe in living your truth and not being ashamed of your past.  I had a brain illness that I had no idea about at the time.  I try to give myself grace and compassion for my younger self.  I did not get the treatment that I needed, as my parents thought I was just being a rebellious teenager.  A lot of damage to my soul and agony ensue on my journey to forgiveness.  If you or anyone you know is lost and searching, please reach out to me!  I have been there tenfold and I am here for you!

2 Corinthians 5:17

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he/she is a new creation;
The old has gone, the new has come!”

Ephesians 3:20

“God has more in store for you than you can even imagine.”

Sorry

I haven’t been writing enough. I need to step it up a little.

I finished my first semester back to school with two B’s and an A. When I left my girlfriend she told me she didn’t think I could do it without her. Well guess what?! I did!

I have been seeing someone and while I want to talk about it I don’t at the same time. It feels like a roller coaster that is amazing at times. Other times you’re worried it will break and you will suffer horrible injuries or die.

There are moments when I feel like the confidence I had found in myself is leaking away. It’s just slowly leaving my body and I don’t know how to get it back. I want to apologize and I don’t even know what I’m apologizing for anymore. Am I just apologizing to make everything stop? To create a peace? To pacify those around me?

There is this feeling of being lost right now. And I want to apologize for even that! I shouldn’t need to apologize for feeling lost.

Rapid Cycling Mixed Episode

In This Mental Illness Life, Things Change Fast

For the last two days, I had a rare feat even for someone that is dealing with Bipolar One–a rapid cycling mixed episode.

I think it has only happened to me about ten times in my mental illness life, but it is the worst feeling in the world. For those that don’t know too much about a mixed episode in Bipolar One, it is where you experience both mania and depression at once. What makes it rare for me is that I don’t tend to know that it is happening to me in the moment. It is usually one of two ways–depression with manic symptoms or mania with depressive symptoms. For me over the last two days have been mania with depressive symptoms.

I could tell I was manic. The need for sleep the past two nights have been zero. My mind and thoughts were all over the place. I could not concentrate and I had an unlimited amount of energy. I was so irritable, and I wanted so bad two drink whiskey and smoke cigarettes (both of which I have not done in years.

When I am just manic, which often happens when I am coming off a depression cycle like the one I had, I deal just fine. I could feel right away that this was different. At the same, I was feeling extremely hopeless. I didn’t want to keep going. Phrases like “why should I even try,” began to take shape in my mind. At times I was a ball of mess. I was anxious, and I let my irritations cloud my judgment

I wanted to scrap my entire memoir and quit thinking that writing is something that is the best thing in my life. I was the worst parts of myself. I was far from the guy who’s philosphy is “Always Keep Fighting.”

I was self-destructive. I slipped, and I felt so bad about it. For the first time in so many years, I wanted to give up. I sat in the dark for hours lost in the darkest places in my mind. A place I have not lived for a long time. I wanted to not be a part of this life. I have not written a sentence like that one in the present, it was always talking about the past.

I could not believe I could go so low. I felt alone. Lost. As if I was back in the worst years of my life. I kept cycling between mania and depression. At times it was mixed. I felt all of it at once. I wanted it to just end. How could someone so strong fall so quickly?

I finally slept. I took a mental health day, and it helped. By the end of the day, I was so worn out that slept more. I reflected on what the hell was going on in my life. Could I have done something different?

That is where I am today. Picking up the pieces and wondering what is next and what are the causes. It is isolation. The lack of connecting with others? I was so excited that we at The Bipolar Writer Collaborative blog had finally reached the business level. I was so happy to start this week. I can only hopefully move on.

I was able to start something I hope will be amazing for my writing career–a Patreon account. If you have a moment, please check it out. I will write a blog post later today with the details.

https://www.patreon.com/JamesEdgarSkye

Always Keep Fighting

James

Join 15,125 other followers

Heaven Knows I Meant Well

adult-animal-animal-lover-1378849

Heaven Knows I meant Well:

By: Francesca Seopa

Heaven knows i meant well
My fiction was less of a fairy-tale for me to sell
Heaven truly knows i meant well
My truth sounded more like a lie to sell

The love of life and self
The sight of a pair of doves stricken by strife
Freedom placed on a shelf

Psalms in my palms
Driven by the muscle if proverb in my arms
The sin of genesis in my genes
Followed by the scenes of slavery
Led by the kings of Samuel in chivalry

Meer mortals trapped in paradise
Promised of a portal to their current destination
A fear of kindness
The trauma of happiness

Heaven knows i meant well
My story was just a bit hard to tell
A dive into the devils devotion
Delving in the promotions of hell

Seeking sincerity in sober thought is a path that leads me down the route of anxiety

Sympathy in sins sedated seduction
A dance with the devil
A blink from heaven
A gamble in hope of a lucky seven

Love is what i seek
Trust is what i speak
Honesty is what i feel society leaks

Heaven knows i meant well
My reality seemed more like a far fetched fiction
Traumatized by the inability to distinguish between friend and foe
Lost and in doubt
Depressed and devastated
Heaven knows i meant well.

Thank you for being with me. I look forward to seeing you here again. Let us rebuild a healthy state of mind.

Love,

Francesca