The Bipolar Writer Podcast – Kim’s Interview

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Today’s episode features an interview with the founder of Grounds for Clarity, Kim Johnson. Kim comes on The Bipolar Writer Podcast at my behest to share her story like all the interviewees that come on and share what she does for a living (life coaching) and sharing her wisdom. Doubt can always creep into our lives, and it can be hard to move on from the past. Kim discusses many essential topics connected to these things that include LivingWorks and how one conversation with her is perhaps what you are looking for right now, in the mental illness community like myself. I have firsthand experience with Kim’s brand of life coaching, and it has helped me be aware of life around me, be open to feelings and emotions, be vulnerable, find ways to live in the now, and work on the inner I. What is unique is that life coaching is not telling you what you need but instead giving you the tools you already have within you.

You can find Kim’s Episode here.

Buy Me A Coffee

Interview with Kasey Claborn, Ph.D. The Bipolar Writer Podcast

Episode Details I always want the community with mental health/mental illness community and those on the front lines trying to change the way mental health and mental illness are treated here in America. Today, I am honored to introduce you to The Bipolar Writer Podcast Kasey Clabron Ph.D., a research scientist and clinical psychologist. This is her episode. About Casey Claborn Kasey Claborn, Ph.D., is a research scientist and licensed clinical psychologist. She is an assistant professor in the Department of Psychiatry at Dell Medical School. Dr. Claborn received her doctorate in clinical psychology from Oklahoma State University and completed her internship at the University of Florida Health Sciences Center. She completed her postdoctoral fellowship at Brown University’s Center for Alcohol and Addiction Studies, where she crossed-trained in HIV and addictive behaviors at the Alcohol Research Center on HIV. Prior to joining Dell Medical School, Claborn served as an assistant professor in psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University. Dr. Claborn conducts research in the field of addictions and develops programs designed to improve access and delivery of substance use treatments. Dr. Claborn is licensed to practice psychology in Texas and Rhode Island. She is a member of PsyPact, which allows her to practice telehealth across state lines.  Where to Find James If you are looking for all things James Edgar Skye, you can find his social media visiting https://linqapp.com/james_skye The Bipolar Writer Podcast is listener-supported, and for as little as $5 a month, you can help support the mental health advocacy that I do by visiting http://www.buymeacoffee.com/jamesedgarskye. Please help this podcast grow by sharing with friends or anyone that you think will benefit from the experiences of others and myself. You can also find me on the following websites. You can also find me on the following websites to book your interview, ask questions, and reach out to me. http://www.jamesedgarskye.me Purchase my books at: https://www.jamesedgarskye.me/jamesedgarskyebooks — This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app — Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/jamesedgarskye22/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/jamesedgarskye22/support
  1. Interview with Kasey Claborn, Ph.D.
  2. The Bipolar Writer Podcast: What's Going On? Why I've Been Missing
  3. The Energy Leadership Index (ELI) Assessment
  4. The Bipolar Writer Podcast Interview with Alaina
  5. The Bipolar Writer Podcast Interview with Colleen

Always Keep Fighting.

What is the worst that can happen?

James Edgar Skye

Visit my author website at http://www.jamesedgarskye.me

Purchase my Memoir and Novella here: https://www.jamesedgarskye.me/jamesedgarskyebooks

For everything James Edgar Skye use the QR code below Or use this link.

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My Fourth Week of my Life Coaching Journey

Identities are egoic and they are a major part of living in the past and future – Eckhart Tolle

Purchase The Bipolar Writer: A Memoir here.

Become a Patron of James Edgar Skye’s work and be a part of his writing here: Become a Patron!

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If you are looking for your own journey into lifestyle coaching that envokes change in your life, if you are stuck under a mental illness diagnosis and want relief from someone who has experience in the core of what causes suicide, please reach out to Kim Johnson, @ Groundsforclarity@gmail.com. You can find her at www.groundsforclarity.com

Week Four, How Letting go of Identities is Golden

I have been working hard at letting go of identities, or at least that is the plan. Identities throughout my life have been controlled by individual identities, especially those that have to do with my mental illness. The Bipolar Writer came from an identity as a writer who happens to be Bipolar, but that does not define who this person is writing this blog post. It is just me writing. Stringing together words, so they work, and so you can read them. My brand is still The Bipolar Writer, but letting go of that as an identity was tough, but it was just the beginning. When I began to let go of the identities, the metaphorical pencil was not easy.

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 I was struggling with the identifiable labels in my life. The ego wants us, me, and you to not let go of the identities that define us (letting go of the pencil may seem easy, but the ego wants you to think of a million ways to let go.) Seeking problems when there is no problem is what the ego seeks out, and we feed it. I am learning to let these things go. It feels useful to predict that you are going to feel bad, right? You want to feel bad because at least you know what your feeling. Its a sense of control that not having an identity means you are starving the ego, and it does not like it at all. Let all those identities define you, and I can tell you from experience the freeing of dropping those identities are amazing. Living in The Now, that is the goal because you are already there.

Intellectualize. What an unusual and useless word. I do that so much in this life, intellectualize. I am learning to make adjustments to stay away from the past and future and stay in the now. It is a fantastic place to be. Something my life coach said to me stuck with my week: Appreciating that what us going on in my life for me, but it doesn’t matter because there is an equal opposite reaction. You can’t have the good without the bad. We were talking about the grieving process that I have been going through really only since July. The feelings will be up and down. It comes with the territory. Being in the now allows for a more steady baseline. 

It feels right to write. Projects for my business will come. When I let go of trying to grow my business, I am learning it just continues to grow–naturally now. When I overthink my business, when I lose a client, the default is to doubt things. I have to label it good or bad, and I can tell you its exhausting. The clients that want to work with me will be there. They are already coming into my life without the hard sell. Sure I will grow my client list but organically. People reach out to me daily from this blog. Who knows. Someone may see that I am a ghostwriting memoirist with a focus on creative nonfiction and reach out. I have already gotten clients since I stopped putting a label of good or bad on future clients’ potential. 

It may sound cliche, but it is excellent to put positive vibes out in the world. When I send out positive vibes, things really come to you. I know I have experienced it so much lately. When you pursue the “wants” in life, you will always “need” more, and your cup will never be filled. It is not worth it, I am telling you, my friends.

One of the most significant doubts in my life is me. I always feel great when I am working on my craft. The “me” is me being my biggest doubter and critic. Every project, I doubt about my writing, and it is silly because it is wrong. The identity “The Bipolar Writer” is the one that is doubting. At some point in my life, I became The Bipolar Writer. It became something I identified that made me think I was special. I’m not extraordinary at writing; it is just what I do, feeding the ego. I let The Bipolar Writer identity go along with some I never expected. Why do we hold on to labels and identities? Why does it have to be “I am a writer” instead of writing how I write and say screw the label. The true presence is creativity. I let go of the identity of the writer. I just write.

These are some of the other “identities” that I have let go of is Mental health advocate. Again that is not saying that blogging and my book will not help people. I got into this to share my experiences with the world. Again, why does a label have to attach to what I am doing for the community? It is excellent to say “let it go,” but you have to be the present now and put action behind letting go. If I am writing about my experiences as someone dealing with Bipolar living, then that is what I am in the now. I can move from moment to moment. Pivoting to what will make me happy now. So much expectation comes from being Bipolar, but why does it have to be so? They are an unnecessary part of my life. There is no conflict, and there is no problem. 

My Week Leading to Week Five of Life Coaching

I went into the week, shedding some of the identities that needed to be gone, but I had work to do. One of the amazing ones that I let go of is gamer. It has been a significant identity that I had to be because it “helped me with my anxiety and depression.” I let go, and at the same time, sold my last remaining gaming system. Yes, it was for personal gain, but at the same time, it was letting go. Things happen. I had a TV in my room that I never use, and my cable company charges me for a cable box I never use. So I gave away my TV and returned to the box. It matters how you do things in my life. I took into my week from Kim that we are all the same, and nothing should be taken too seriously. Peace is what I wanted this week, and perhaps I got that, but more I stayed in the now. Anything can happen.

The last thing Kim asked me to do something that atypical. I did that, I said hello to random people while I was out, social distancing, and wearing a mask.

Always Keep Fighting

James

You can visit the author site of James Edgar Skye here.

Purchase The Bipolar Writer: A Memoir here.

Become a Patron of James Edgar Skye and be a part of his writing here: Become a Patron!

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Week Two of Life Coaching

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Life happens in the moment.

If you are looking for your own journey into lifestyle coaching that envokes change in your life, if you are stuck under a mental illness diagnosis and want relief from someone who has experience in the core of what causes suicide, please reach out to Kim Johnson, @ Groundsforclarity@gmail.com. You can find her at www.groundsforclarity.com

I am now two weeks and about to start the third week of my life coaching journey, and I am growing. I started as a seed that wanted to grow by trusting the process, and now I am beginning to understand the growth. Kim has been a great resource to allow me to grow and be the one that is taking the tools she gives me to be in the now. For one hour a day, I connect with my life coach, and then I apply that into my week until the following Tuesday. It feels amazing.

The One Hour Session

If you think you can’t grow in an hour, you should spend some time with my life coach. We began focusing on the feelings that were on the external. Using my eyes as an observation tool to find what was on my mind. The projects that needed to be done, school, money, and situations and bring it back to find me in the present. The peace that you find is incredible when you work on mindfulness. 

We talked about the thing that was on my mind a lot of late. When I spend time living in my past to catch up with the lost years, and how I live in the future. Neither is helpful to me staying present in what I am doing now. I am a work in progress, but I can catch myself in moments when my focus should be on something like working out, and my mind wanders. It is a great feeling to begin to find a level of awareness. Living in those two places made me feel horrible, and it was commonplace since I lost my mom in December. I was not living in the present because my mom is there in my past and here. Yet, as I continue to learn from Shelby Forsythia when I give myself room to grieve, I give myself moments like I had this past Monday.

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Letting go made me feel so good! I tend to live in my head and Kim and I have noticed and it is the place where things go wrong in my life. My brain is where I carry most of my weight, and that is the best and worst of me when I overthink every situation.

I gave myself a permission slip to just be in the here and now. It makes for a better James. I stopped with the excuses of my mom’s death or even with my mental illness. Any excuse that I was given to live in the past and future. For me, there always had to be a problem to be fixed or something to fill in the time that I was not grieving, because I needed to grieve, but I was not allowing the space.

I was living in a box that was my desktop screen. I was sitting in front of it from the moment I woke to the moment I slept, working on what I believed was a million things, and letting the ego control me. I was letting The Bipolar Writer and James Edgar Skye become defining identities that were feeding the ego, these are a part of me, but when I allow it to control what I do, it never works out, thank you, Eckhart Tolle and Kim. The thought is a tool, not a prison cell. I have this box that full of all the anxieties, the trails, identities, personal issues, mental illness, and all the negative thoughts. I can allow myself to build the door out of the box.

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Something I learned this week was a great metaphor. It involved rocks, and it was an idea that Kim came up with, and it was my action for my week ahead. The basis is the idea that rock represents all the doubts and the past lying on the ground. The point for me to address the rocks in the backpack. I can go two ways. I can pick up the rock and look at it and move on. Or I can continue to add the weight until it overwhelms me as it did just a month ago. I choose to get go of those rocks by taking them out. I actually did this in real life with a backpack full of rocks, and it was a great way to begin my week to see how much of a burden overthinking, doubts, and the past can be.

My week in Retrospect

This last week, I had this moment that was indicative of what I learned about staying in the present. After my work out and shower, I was making tea. While the water heated on the stove, I decided to empty my dishwashing machine. As I was near the end, I found that the biggest pan I own was stuck in a rack. It was the handle. I was so preoccupied with the tea kettle that I struggled with the pan, and I was getting frustrated. I was not in the moment. I brought myself to the present, something I learned to do this week. When that happened, I realized the pan only goes in one way, and so to get the pan out, which had shifted, and put it back in the right position. It came out, and it was all about awareness around me. My mind was somewhere else and not in the present. It was a fantastic moment.

I am working on allowing my business to grow without overthinking every detail. When I stopped overthinking seeking clients, I got a job as a consultant in mental health. I got a friend who is turning into a client for a tremendous ghostwriting book and a potential opportunity to make something unusual as a co-author of a book. I stopped worrying, being anxious, and trying to will life to happen, and it just happened to me. I stopped making workout goals and just ran for as long as I felt good. I ran three miles every day this week. The idea that I have to lose “this many pounds before the end of 2020” is gone. In its place is working out and eating better for my health.

I am feeling more open and in the present than at any time in 2020. My happiness level is skyrocketing, and I can find myself being more aware. I am reading more than ever and spending less time in my downtime binge-watching shows and movies. My life is happening now. I am excited about the future, but I no longer live there or in the past. There is so much to learn, and I trust the process without the ego behind it.

I want to leave you with this:

Clock time: lessons learned from the past are applied now and planning and working toward a goal is done now.

Psychological time: dwelling on the past or becoming obsessively focused on a goal to feel something, to be more complete, now the present is just a means to an end.

If you want to know more about these two important concepts reach out to Kim Johnson @ www.groundforclarity.com

Always Keep Fighting

James

You can visit the author site of James Edgar Skye here.

Purchase The Bipolar Writer: A Memoir here.

Become a Patron of James Edgar Skye and be a part of his writing here: Become a Patron!

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My First Week of Life Coaching

Take a good look, this is James Edgar Skye before he decided to make a life changing investment into his future and took on a life coach. I wanted to post this picture here because it is important to who I was when starting this journey. We all have to begin somewhere, and this is where I will be a different person by the end of my four month eighteen week long journey.

Last month, I took a chance and decided to seek life coaching with Kim Johnson, founder of Grounds for Clarity. I began last week with my first session. The decision was the right one at the right time in my life. I have been down a spiraling path that was not who I was in 2019, and to be honest, most people are not on the same path in 2020. I have been struggling to find myself within the confines of identities and projects that have made it easier to not deal with the glaring issues in my life. Starting a business from the ground up, even with my experiences, has been tough on me. I have not given myself time to grieve my mom’s loss, and I am dealing with a lot of self-doubts in my professional writing life.

I went into my first week with an open mind and heart. I knew I wanted real change, and to really get the most out of the four-month-long journey that I was about to embark on, I had to be willing to change. Kim does not promise results because change is ultimately up to me. What she does offer is her presence in your journey. That is very empowering.

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We live in a world where we want instant results, and I am not different in wanting things to happen fast or to look into the future to see if things will get better. I sometimes live in the past because it is secure there, but does it really get you or me anywhere? The answer is no. It was important this first week to understand that trusting the process, that I can’t figure out all my problems in one week, was vital for me to understand myself. At the best of times, I can be impatient with my life. I wanted above all else this first week to trust the life coaching process because four months can be life-changing.

I knew that my biggest obstacles were that my motivations were intrinsically based, that I struggled with the weight of self-doubt about my professional writing future and that I was not grieving. I was living in two places, almost exclusively in the past and the future. It was becoming my narrative, and I didn’t even know that it was happening. I had to learn that living in the present and letting go of things I can’t control would be challenging. I was ready for the challenge. 

My first week was encouraging. I had so many questions, and my life does not happen in a vacuum. The module homework Kim gave me helped me shape my first week. I realized my engagement styles and how I kept staying in my current engagement style, which would look like me continuing to go down a very negative path, which allowed my doubts to control me. My path will be letting fo of the money side of my writing control me. When things are not going my way, my default is to overthink and overanalyze the event in real-time. It is counterproductive in living in the moment, that change is inventible, and letting go is so much easier. I hold on to things because I have this need for control, especially with my past.

I want to end this post with something that stuck with me throughout the last week since beginning this journey. Something that Kim challenged me on. Being mindful throughout my day and being present, allowing me to catch my thoughts. I am not obligated to engage in all the things around me. I learned that I had to understand that if I wanted to be always looking for the next big thing or project that would get me to the next goal, it would continue to affect me negatively. I have become so goal-oriented to the extreme. I know that I need goals in my life, but I can’t always live looking at the future but forget the present me. That is not always easy to do. I need to let go of the past. Conscious awareness is so important. I am my own person inside and out.

If you are looking for your own journey into lifestyle coaching that envokes change in your life, if you are stuck under a mental illness diagnosis and want relief from someone who has experience in the core of what causes suicide, please reach out to Kim Johnson, @ Groundsforclarity@gmail.com. You can find her at www.groundsforclarity.com

Always Keep Fighting

James

You can visit the author site of James Edgar Skye here.

Purchase The Bipolar Writer: A Memoir here.

Become a Patron of James Edgar Skye and be a part of his writing here: Become a Patron!

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Grounds for Clarity: A Kim Johnson Interview

I am proud to share my interview with Kim Johnson creator and Mental Health Skills Lifestyle Coach of Grounds for Clarity. In the interview, Kim discusses with me, The Bipolar Writer, about her upcoming retreat Master Your Mind: Immersive, Anonymous Digital Retreat.

An Interview With Kim Johnson Thought Founder of Grounds for Clarity

I am honored to not only be a part of the seminar next weekend but also to cosign on how effective Kim has been on my journey. We have only known one another for a few weeks, but we have always had synergy, and I am always looking for ways to help her company. So please reach out to Kim on her website. I know she is waiting for people to invest in their future happiness.

Here is Where you can find Kim Johnson

Kim Johnson Founder of Grounds for Clarity

Reach out to Kim:groundsforclarity@gmail.com

Call to action. You don’t have to feel ready to be ready:
https://groundsforclarity.com/shop/

Always Keep Fighting

James

You can visit the author site of James Edgar Skye here.

Purchase The Bipolar Writer: A Memoir here.

Become a Patron of James Edgar Skye and be a part of his writing here: Become a Patron!

If You Want to be happy, prove it.

 

 

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Hey all, this is gonna be my last Vlogcast, I, I realized, you know, my, my story never belonged to me. I’m done telling it. I’m ready to continue speaking and writing and spending all of my energy, investing all of my energy into the new story, the new true honest, heartfelt, joyful, fun, excited, passionate, creative me– the universe created me to be. One of the things I always say *laughs* and remind my the clients that I work with, the friends that I have, the family member, is I always teach best what I need most and right here this is it.

This is it.

Intention matters. Intention behind everything you do. I’m telling you now, that, what I’m about to tell you this is universal wisdom: it’s not mine, it just flowed into me. I’m gonna share. So, intention is everything. Whatever intention you have behind every single action you take is something you will need to sustain in the future.

If your intention behind something is to boost the way you feel about yourself because you feel guilty, because you feel like you are obligated, because you are doing it from an expectation placed on you…so you’re afraid what people will think if you don’t do it.

Intention matters. It doesn’t matter where you were born. It doesn’t matter where you grew up. It doesn’t matter where you currently live. It doesn’t matter if it’s between family members, friends, colleagues, partners, acquaintances, strangers.

It doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter if it’s between an instrument and you. It doesn’t matter if it’s your career, doesn’t matter if it’s your, if it’s, if it’s a passion, if it’s a project, a book… it doesn’t matter. Your relationship with everything is dramatically impacted by the intention you place behind the relationship. Telling you now, this is a hard pill to swallow, for me anyway, to swallow because I’ve lived, I’ve lived behind the ruse of obligation, I’ve lived behind the ruse of filial expectation, I’ve lived behind the ruse of, well, this is just how life is supposed to be…

Intention is everything.

You’re going to spend your whole life trying to catch up, trying to pick up the pieces, you’re going to keep experiencing heart ache after heartache, heartbreak after heartbreak… intention matters.

Intention.

Set the intention behind everything you do. Are you, are you doing things to avoid something? Are you doing things to elope something? Are you doing things because of expectations? Obligations? Are you doing it because of,

“What will people think of me if I don’t?”

These are the kinds of things, these are things that will make your life flow more. I’m not saying your life will be easier but it will be better and this is one of the, I’m telling you, we teach best, what we need most and this is what I need most. This lesson. Go.

To stop trying to be in control all the time.

It’s one of the main things that agitates anxiety, depression, thoughts of not wanting to be alive anymore, is all of these stories we have and I’m done telling mine. It’s not mine anymore. Moving on. Learning to let go. To stop caring what people think. To shed everything in life… shedding everything in life that is fueled by expectation, obligation, good intentions… to boost my ego, is the ego, the ego.

It’s not worth it.

And…a key piece that clicked between here [I am pointing to my head in the video] and here [I am pointing to my heart in the video]… it’s not even about life being short. *Laughs* It’s not about life being precious. It’s not about being a good person. We are all connected and it’s a choice. Everything is a choice. It may not feel like it, but it is.

Make that conscious choice, the intention — to seriously emotionally, spiritually, mentally, psychologically detach from things that are killing you. A lot of the stuff that kills us, it crushes the spirit, it, it, it stifles the intuition and it really tamps down the soul.

So what… here’s a question for you:

In what area of your life, do you desperately, desperately just want to ebb and flow and not feel bad all the time and to relieve yourself of pressure, relieve yourself of obligation, retire from anxiety, move forward from depression… to embrace that those feelings of not wanting to be alive anymore. I mean how often has rejecting those feelings actually turned out in your favor.

There’s a lesson to be learned: what are you avoiding?

To wherever you are in the world, be it morning, afternoon or night, I believe in you  and I know you can do this.

If you have any questions, comments, concerns or you want to connect and learn more about how you can move forward from all of these I’m here. 


Chilledcow.bandcamp.com
Album: Relief
Artist: Pandrezz
Songs (in this order): 1. SnowFlakes 2. WhenSheCries 3. When She Sleeps

Follow me on the various Podcast platforms to support the creation of these episodes.
This will be my last Vlogcast and post on this blog. Afterwards, you can find Grounds For Clarity’s Thought Founder Kim Johnson here:

And here: Grounds For Clarity

We teach you how to break your patterns, habits and behaviors in exchange for another chance at life.

We give you the self-confidence to say no and say yes in areas of your life you never imagined possible.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired?

Feel ready to move on?

We have a proven track record of success for holding people accountable to the emotional changes they wish to see in their life. Learn to build a life that respects you and you, it. Stop blaming your past experiences, your family, your health and start taking responsibility for what you say you want.


Book a Discovery call with Kim Johnson, Thought Founder of Grounds For Clarity, LLC here, to determine if hiring a Mental Health Skills Lifestyle Coach is for you. 

I believe in you.

Steadfastly,

Kim Johnson
Thought Founder of Grounds For Clarity, LLC

If you play with fire, you just might get burnt…Mischief Managed.

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Read Along:

“*OOOOOO* Vlogcast 8, my intention with these vlogcasts is to share my human experience experiencing being human across the span of 365 vlogcasts, commitment, keeping myself accountable and telling my complete story and there are some blogcasts, vlogcasts that might come off a bit heavy sometimes I might be all over the place. I organically flow with what comes up. And today what’s coming up is really, I wanted to share, to share and build upon the former vlogcast when I pretty much am pouring my heart out about how hiring my second Life coach underscored what was the missing piece in my experience. Um, like why I felt lost if you will and was feeling like 5 steps forward 12 steps back whichever phrase like what I don’t know one step forward 3 steps back so that’s how I felt for, for many years and when I hired this and when I mean honestly when it started when I went through iPEC.

Let’s rewind to iPEC it stands for Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching and I joined about the tail end of, I think, the last quarter of 2018 and I graduated from iPEC, honestly, it’s been, actually, a year. Uh, 10 months of coaching and it was very, very eye-opening…there wasn’t a moment where I wasn’t being held accountable for the progress I, the healing really wasn’t even just progress was just healing, healing that I said I wanted that I’ve invested this money, energy into, “How can I break through this tug-of-war between my mind and my heart and my intuition? How can I, how can I connect them?”

And I did find some healing before coaching. I tried to build my confidence, my self confidence and doing more Art, um,  really going into, uh, social justice movements or any kind of movements…this is one of the things I’ve gotten into: Porn Kills Love. I found avenues to build a community with people.

I would learn new languages, I would travel to other countries, prat– try to practice the language. I exercised. I got back into music. I tried these things and on the outside… it seemed like I was becoming of age but really I wasn’t emotionally healing as much as I had hoped. And when I got into iPEC, they really shed light on how I was setting myself back and I wasn’t setting myself up for that emotional and spiritual breakthroughs: healing. Al– some of the behaviors were like rationalizing.

I didn’t know how much lack of accountability with myself was happening, just with myself and with my family and friends. No one was really keeping me accountable to break that, um, habit of behavior of rationalizing. And I speak of it only from my perspective and my point of view. It wasn’t working for me anymore, it wasn’t serving me anymore. Rationalizing, you know I could spin a web of things…of me rationalizing now and because of who I’ve chosen to surround myself with and the accountability partners I found, they call me out on my crap. They call me out on my story when I’m rationalizing, when I’m talking myself away from doing something I said and I initially wanted to do.

So, that accountability piece…I didn’t understand just how much I was getting in my own way until I really put it to the test. So, if I said I wanted to become fluent in French and what steps would I need to take to get there: cool! I have the actual steps to take as far as materials I might need, um, language teachers that can help me but I for some reason, even though I’m not fluent, as something that holds me back and that’s, that.

Oh, you know, I need this to be in place and not to be in Play Store I need some I need to be in the country to learn, you know, all these little things that build up as a story and I rationalize myself out of studying even if it’s 5 minutes a day. So, that’s something that we didn’t really talk about in my household because the accountability looked like someone yelling at me and telling me what to do constantly being prompted, constantly being told what to do and that’s one of the things…

I actually talked to one of my kindred spirits today about about how come when we finish school and again only can speak for myself and maybe a portion and percentage of Americans, North Americans, we go through school, we complete school, maybe do some more school and then as far as externally we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing, like inside it feels like this ginormous tug of war, like this I would love to be doing more of this or I would love to be playing more music but I know that I need to make money and I need to do this and I have to make sure that I’m falling into this category as an adult and making sure that …. so is…. suffocation almost from having the emotional space to be accountable to the emotional healing we want?

How and this is something I kind of want to talk about to put things more into perspective is, I thought I was setting myself for, myself up for success emotionally by doing things and changing things outside of myself what helped me and I did mention this in a former vlogcast is, I was conditioned to believe that’s that voice that’s telling me I’m too weak, I’m not smart enough, I’m not strong enough, how dare you, who do you think you are? That Imposter syndrome that convincing me just play it safe, you’re good where you are,

I was taught to silence that voice. I was taught, um, just, just push through and then when I went through this coaching program, iPEC, as well as the second Life coach I hired really completely shattering that belief, it’s just a belief. In fact, when’s the last time you actually listened to the voice and loved it more, not less. I mean, a revolutionary concept, I’m like.. *pbbbbtt* yeah, *laughs* oh… you’re serious, yes and I stand by that, too. That’s what I do for my clients and and it’s taught me to be more patient and compassionate towards myself, too.

–That the voice is not the enemy… it’s the disconnect between me and the voice that’s really the thing that’s the wedge between us, the straw that broke the camel’s back. That’s where most of my tension and anxiety and frustration and even the sad moments which aren’t as strong as they used to be and really not that much present. Which is phenomenal.

I used to be one of those people that would lay in bed before I open my eyes but I’m awake, I just couldn’t. I used to be that person or I should say that’s the feeling that I used to get everyday. I was making plenty of money, didn’t like my job, didn’t want to be around the people at work, didn’t want to go to work, didn’t want to be at work, didn’t care about exercising, I didn’t care about eating, I didn’t care about anything.

So, reminding myself that that bully actually has provided me grit when it challenges me it sounds like it’s telling me I’m not good enough but really it’s scared to see me fail, it’s scared to see me get hurt it’s scared to see me cry, it’s scared to see me put myself out there. It’s tells me, you know, what will people think, um, people will think you’re just doing things for attention, people will think, um, you’re desperate. People will think you’re skill-less, you know, you don’t have any skill, what do you you think you’re doing?

No one cares about what you have to say, you’re not making lots of money anyway, why are you doing this? Do you really know what you’re doing? So, I still have that self-doubt and I have moments where I go,

“Maybe I’m not cut out for this.”

I pause. I look to that voice and I go,

“You have a compelling story. What you’re saying makes a lot of sense. I get it. If I go and I make this vlogcast and tell my story, put all my personal business out and air my dirty laundry. You’re right someone might be uncomfortable with that, someone might judge me and I appreciate your concern but I’m gonna take it from here.”

Instead of kicking it and screaming at it, silencing it and telling it to get out of my house. I now remind myself my new teaching which is that voice, that me deserves more love, not less. More love, not less. Six months doesn’t seem like a long time. It felt like longer. Catching myself mid activity, mid-sentence doing something that runs completely against the grain of what I signed up for…nevermind the financial investment but like, of course, I had a lot of skin in the game.

What do i want?

What am I doing I said I want and when I don’t feel  how I want to feel am I abandoning my goals, am I abandoning my ambition, am I blowing off my dreams, am I procrastinating because I’m trying to have everything perfect first. Self-sabotage again and this all is happening in here. It’s almost like… *sigh* Life coaching is all about finding holes in logic, holes in that story you build in your head…holes in the feelings that come up that may be really tricky. The feelings come up and you know this is how I’m feeling. Perhaps. Let’s dig deeper.

What will happen if you procrastinate, if you rationalize, if you abandon what you set out to do because of the fear? A fear becomes more in charge and more powerful with every time that we stubbornly refuse to change. I had a really good story and I felt like trash. I share my story not because I want you to change. I share my story not because I think there’s anything wrong with you.

I share my story to simply shed light on the fact that we have such capability to step into our fullest, most true version of ourselves and at the slightest, slightest pin prick of resistance from the world.

*Uuuuuppp!* Nope, mm , mmmmm, mmm, mm. Nope! Don’t want it. I change my mind.

When we say we want something usually we just think of the stuff that goes well and the things that are sparkly and new and it just, is so positive. I don’t know. Perhaps I’m generalizing on to all of you in which case, that’s me, doing that. I know for me I’ve noticed patterns where I say I want something, like I want to play the Ukulele. What I, when I say that, what I think of and that makes me smile. What brings a smile to my face is like busting it out, wherever, with whomever in public, private, whatever and just strumming just *wooohooOO* easy

I didn’t ask for the work. *laughs* I didn’t ask to have to go on for hours a day to go on Google to find the chords, to write them down and memorize it. I didn’t think about any of that when I said I want to play Ukulele. I just thought about the end result. So again, it kind of ties into another Vlogcast of chasing the feeling. So I thought to myself,

“I want to, I would have my own business.”

What I thought about was the end product, like making 6 to 7 figures a year, um, working with people and and getting goose bumps on my skin for the connectiveness I feel in purpose on this planet that’s what I thought of when I said I want my own business and also working for myself.

Wow! There’s a lot of stuff, a part of my business, that I didn’t even think about that’s, it’s stress! But it’s like a different kind of stress.

When you say you want to do something and you are all in and you embrace the good, the bad, the ugly, the hard, medium, the simple parts of it and when things go really well and when things kind of are halfway there and when things don’t go well at all it’s all of it compared to the other jobs I have: part-time as an instructor, part-time as a substitute teacher, part-time as a suicide first aid instructor and then having my own business.

I would say that the amount of stress I endure and work through when it comes to building my business is astronomically, volume-wise, way more than the amount of stress I get from these other three activities that I do as a source of income. It’s actually more painful to endure the volume over here, the less stress, than business. I do these things, kind of as a means to an end, to compliment my experiences here in my business.

I also have these jobs because I feel like I have more to learn as far as my temperament, my attitude– I want to be held accountable and having these different outlooks keeps me accountable to my own attitude. Cuz there’s a lot of things that go sideways with these three things and it stresses me out. When it comes to my business, I can build that, I can build around when I genuinely want to rest but these, I don’t really have that Liberty to rest when I please. So there’s disadvantages and advantages to both but the thing that I’m trying, I’m trying to illustrate here is that accountability piece to doing things we say we want the reason why I feel the reason why and I believe, universally, the reason why people give up on things they say they want is because they don’t realize that it’s the whole: all of it, you experience all of the feeling, the emotions, the fear of missing out, the denial, what else could I be doing with my time, money, blah blah blah. In denial, you doubt why you even started getting into this, you question: should I be? Should I really be sitting on my you-know-what and coloring all day long? Should I really be creating this Vlogcast? Do I know what I’m talking about?

Keeping oneself accountable for the things we say we want, can be something easy to avoid when we rationalize our way out of it and that’s one of those habits that I have found was really setting myself up for emotional failure.

Not following through. Not putting things in my calendar or telling people what I’m doing when I tell people what I’m doing, that’s what my way of staying emotionally accountable to something I said I wanted to do.

So question:
How might a current experience… serve you if you gave that voice in your head more love not less and proceeded to do what you said you wanted to do anyway?

I visited some of your blogs, the people that have liked and engaged these vlogcasts.

You are some phenomenal human beings. I have not visited everyone’s. Something about what I say, how I say it, is resonating with you and I hope that in your journey, no matter how small you think something is that you want to do…it’s planted in you for a reason. If you feel called to it with this question and call to action. The call to action really is the cherry on top of all vlogcasts. It’s not just a blog post. I’m not just here to just blah blah blah hear myself talk. I’m here because I want to share a tool that serves me, well *laughs* many tools asking empowering questions: find that answer within to keep you accountable for the next, for the next 358 days I’m happy to be that accountability partner for you if there’s something you say you want to do, put it in the comments and I’ll bother you *laughs* I will bother you, personally bother you to see to it that you’re doing what you’re, what you said you wanted to do.

Hey, join me in this 365 day challenge, it doesn’t have to be a vlogcast but what’s something *laughs* I’m asking you another question, I’ll ask anyway..

What’s something you do you say you want to do that you haven’t done that you could see yourself completing in the next 358 days. Yes, I have a lead on you. What’s something you say you want to do that you haven’t done yet that you see yourself completing in the next 358 days?

Put in the comments and let’s see how many other people are in the same boat you are that say they want to do something they haven’t. They’re procrastinating, maybe fear of missing out, like, oh I could be doing better with my time, maybe it’s a rat race, who knows? If you want to learn an instrument again, if you want to read that book that’s been staring at you on that shelf, if you want to go do community service, if you want to find another source of income, if you want to heal from a traumatic event and look into ways to heal that you’ve never looked into before, put it in the comments, see what happens, see maybe you’ll find an accountability partner in the comments below.

Thank you so much for watching and commenting, engaging and being present in your life. Uh, please have and make it the kind of morning, afternoon and evening that you want.”

Kim Johnson
Thought Founder of Grounds For Clarity, LLC
groundsforclarity.com

Taking action and keeping yourself accountable is how to break out of the cycle of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same result. 

My Emotional inbox is full and cannot take anymore messages. Try again later. Goodbye.

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Vlogcast seven, for the longest time and I feel it’s evident in my vlogcasts previous to this: vlog cast 1 through Vlogcast 6, I have a very heavy tone, I have, I’m very monotone and just recollecting those events I can safely recollect those events because I am actively working through all of that and unpacking all the time and leaning into every single every single trigger I get because I’ve learned how to rewire my brain.

I knew and I was aware that that was a possibility but back then when I was so enmeshed in that heaviness, so shrouded in it, it’s like, it’s like when I don’t know how many of you swim or have been in the ocean but you can you can go really deep and back then I felt like I was really, really deep to the point where it, I almost couldn’t tell which way was up if it weren’t for me just you know letting my body float but it, I just, I couldn’t hold my breath and get up there so I felt like it wasn’t a possibility to be happy.

I was so bogged down I felt like the universe was on my shoulders like I need to help take care of this person, I need to help my family, I need to make sure my grades are well – good-  I need to, I need to make sure that I’m taking care of myself and doing things I enjoy, eat foods that make me happy, like it was very checklist e and text bookie and I didn’t know what I was doing and when I over the past couple years when I when I was resisting that I was on that teeter-totter point of resisting that concept that I could be happy and in spite of feeling this way but I can still love and be loved and, and you know just talking about that I want to cry.

Even if I had my Kim 3.0 that’s how I refer to myself now, Kim 3.0, I still have 1.0 and 2.0 inside me anytime. I see 1.0 and 2.0 and even sometimes have mine triggered I remember that at that time I didn’t feel like it was possible to be happy, I didn’t feel like I was worth it to be happy, I didn’t feel like I could smile and have a good time even when I felt like, in the dumps deep in the bowels of the ocean.

I didn’t, it didn’t feel like a possibility and over time, I started to recognize the kinds of energy I was attracting and I said I kept asking myself you know, how come I’m always feeling down, how come the conversations I have are really heavy all the time, is it me, is it, is it me and it wasn’t like, “Oh, it’s my fault. It’s my fault. It wasn’t anger anymore I felt…melancholy, like ah, it’s my fault and I shifted that to realize it clicked for me when I started getting into coaching and raising my awareness to just because I feel a way doesn’t mean I am a way.

That’s when I started to realize oh my goodness this whole time I’ve been setting myself up for minimal, I don’t want to say success but I’m going to say success I was not setting myself up for emotional success and success to me was healing. It’s so, *laughs out loud* I had been so convinced that because I was checking all these boxes off that I was doing pretty well but really I didn’t have the tools to keep myself accountable for the emotional healing that I said I wanted so when I joined, um, when I hired my second Life coach I want to say about September of 2019, I’m already losing track of the years here.

2019 I signed on for a 6 month contract to receive the coaching of a life time. *deeply exhaled and pronounced haaah* every single week it was either I felt depressed or anxious or both. Depressed, anxious or both and it would get to this climax of a breaking point. I was putting a lot of effort we met two times a week and I’m talking about several hours. I couldn’t hide. There’s a difference between couldn’t and wouldn’t. I could have flaked. I could have said yeah I don’t feel well. I had money I had invested so much money out of pocket more than I’ve ever invested in myself ever in my life.

I invested this energy, this money, this energy into something that I believed would help me stay accountable to the emotional healing I wanted. I got I think maybe two or three times I vocalized to the coach I really I feel like I need to quit. I need to leave. I need to drop out. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore and she said, “Look, this kind of breakthrough you wanting… takes effort, conscious effort and you’re doing it firing on all gears right now and to be quite frankly, to be quite frank with you this is the worst time and quitting is the last thing that should be on your mind.” And you know I, I have wept when she said that she could have bought into my story like,

“Oh, yeah it’s really hard isn’t it. No, just it’s okay if you need to leave.”

I can’t like my eyes are getting moist just thinking about that moment it felt like just yesterday I was in a job again back to a part-time job that I hated it and I felt like my self-esteem was in the poop again I was still at home, um, feeling really a degraded sense of self-worth and I was going into debt for this program that I felt like I was this tiny little Krill in this ocean of a vast ocean of other whales: my peers.

I mean I didn’t at the time I didn’t compare myself but now that I see it you know we had our respective projects and journeys and all of that was unraveling in Facebook and for me I feel like,

“Who do you think you are right now? You really think you’re capable of doing this? You’ve never been good in school… you’ve never gotten the grades that were expected of you and look at you you’re not even using your degree?”

So, I felt really completely, completely lost again and I used to think it was this Pie in the Sky *ooooooo* idea of rewiring the brain to, to hack it into focusing on half-glass, glass half-full all the time. I was one of those people that was like *pbbbtt* you know good moments will end eventually so I never enjoyed anything. It wasn’t until probably the last year or so that I started to actually enjoy things again. It was a journey. Lots of crying, lots of relationships, healing, you know in their respective ways. I just… I was one of those that would get so triggered if someone suggested to do something to lift my spirits when someone tried to cheer me up I was very resentful, bitter and aggressive, combative, defensive and it, don’t get me wrong here, I don’t have regrets I do, well, I have no no I don’t have regrets. I am I’m not happy that people got hurt through my healing. I’m not saying that I condone the behavior I had: lashing out, pushing people away, cutting people off, flaking, not responding to people bullying my family, bullying myself. I don’t condone that but to those of you if you know you watch it now or later to those of you that are patient with me and allow me to go through my healing process I appreciate you. It’s been so hard for me to own my healing process. I know I’m not perfect at all and I know there’s no such thing as perfect and for anyone watching: I want you to know that there are really, there are really no right or wrong answers and healing looks different for every single person. I feel you. You’re scared to take that step. You’re scared to improve the situation in your life but I’m telling you even every action has a consequence be it positive or negative and it’s up to you to take that leap of faith and trust that there are no victims, no one is a victim in this world at all.

You’re stronger than you believe and in that process people will get hurt. Pain will happen and it’s inevitable I’m telling you that now. I’ve fought tooth-and-nail to resist the temptation to walk away from relationships, many over the past 10 years. It’s been a battle of my self-worth against people’s love for me and it’s been so touching what saying just thank you for those of you that have trouble accepting a compliment.

Even like today a guy slowed down while he was bicycling and said, “Have a great day.” He kept staring at me and then he said, “You are beautiful.” And you know in the past I would have said you know which finger [in the video I pretend to put up my middle finger], and been very aggressive but I said… I stopped my bike and I turned I said, “You too.”

We’re, we’re so resistant to this concept that we deserve more, that we are actually are bullying our self and that’s something that, um, one of the fellow bloggers put on my last broadcast is that we bully ourselves and we don’t even realize we’re doing it. And I learned in my coaching when you determine that you are your biggest bully you know what you do? You stop, you sit with your bully and you listen to what it’s saying to you? Embrace those pieces of you that interfere: an inner demon, whichever words you want to call it.

I am going to take an intuitive guess that that voice, that bully is one you are taught to silence: how well is that working out for you?

I help my clients, I help my Kindred Spirits get breakthroughs. People that have been through therapy and counseling and talked, talked and talked to people and falls on deaf ears, it’s not easy especially when you have expectations for people to want to hear you, to see you having expectation hurts so much and that’s how I lived for the past 10 years almost 10 years of my life,  I had these expectations for people to see me in expectation to be heard, an expectation that people will care. You know what happens when you have expectations, you’re setting yourself up to get disappointed.

That was probably the hardest lesson for me to embrace. So, it is a part of a pretty brief Vlogcast in, um, it took a lot of conscious effort, it took a lot of being responsible for my feelings cause saying sorry for hurting someone, saying sorry for hurting someone’s feelings, it’s squishing what you’ve done. It’s completely undermining any effort you’re putting in for yourself.

I have a suggestion this time not a question. Well, I guess it is kind of a question: how do you feel about being 110% honest with someone that triggers and pushes every button you have and tell them full force how you feel when you two have had that conversation? Write it down. Maybe you don’t even have to send it to them. Own your feelings and don’t apologize. How do you feel about doing something like that? Try it. It’s, it’s most powerful healing when you do a face-to-face as much as you can. It’s so powerful and I was blown away by the kind of feedback I got from my parents particularly my parents from my brother.

It’s probably, probably, is probably the most challenging conversations I’ve ever had in my life is with my parents and my brother because I don’t feel, um, back then I didn’t feel like I had any right to speak my mind and now that I have I’ve loved my family all the more. It’s so fascinating how much of that, how much of that baggage was mine and not theirs and I was taking it out on them.

So, I’m here pouring my heart out to you, you know, don’t wait to be friends with your bully. Bullying your bully is not gonna work, it’s just not gonna work.

If any of you have any questions or you want some feedback and support, um, my website is grounds for clarity. groundsforclarity.com We do offer extensive coaching Services, one-on-one [or] in a group where, you know, we work with *laughs* you and this, it’s going to take a lot of effort, conscious effort and accountability.

And, please consider my suggestion. It doesn’t matter where you are in the world, doesn’t matter how you grew up, your culture: this is for you. For you: not for the relationship, not for the other person — it’s for you. Put yourself first, try, I dare you.”

The suggestion I refer to in the aforementioned paragraph is the being 110% honest about your feelings toward someone, and NOT apologizing, no matter the external outcome. You are on a journey to own your feelings because it is a matter of life, or death. Truly. If we aren’t growing, then we are dying.

Rooting you on every step of the way,

Kim Johnson
Thought Founder of Grounds For Clarity, LLC

Need a disruption in your thought patterns, behavior patterns…need a disruption in your life?  

Emotional existentialism, ego, deep thinking..brain, heart and spirit don’t think alike and yet they feel one another. My name is Kim Johnson and I do declare this a lengthy Vlogcast.

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Read Along:

“Vlog 5, in the last Vlog Vlog 4, I had spoke about my personal experience as a human experiencing being human, um, when I realized there are five things I could be doing in any given situation, you know story aside, personal experiences aside, personal beliefs aside, personal convictions aside, 5 options: I could stay in the situation hope for it to change, I could change something about the situation, I could I could leave the situation I could accept the situation or I could change how I perceive the situation and for the longest time one of the one of the most challenging situations, always, for me are relationships with any person, it doesn’t necessarily, it’s not even restricted to romantic, a romantic kind of a relationship, um, it’s been a journey with my, um, I’m going to speak of my relationship with my parents, for example.

I didn’t know until I knew… that I can actually still care what my parents think, particularly with my mom. My relationship with her has improved ever since I started doing this, which is understanding that, even though I care what she thinks of me, even though I would love to have that external validation from her for everything I do in my business, in my life, in my job, in my in my social life as well as personal life, getting that external validation would feel amazing, don’t get me wrong but really, when I stopped trying to get it, I still cared what she thought about me. I still care to this moment, to this very moment I care what she thinks about what I do. I’ve learned from myself when it comes to my situation in question which is in my, in my relationship with my mom, I realized the one– what I wanted to do was to maintain the relationship and spend time with her still.

So leaving the situation is not what, what resonates with me. Um, sitting there and just hoping things to improve definitely was not the option for me either so that’s two down so three more. Um, I could accept the way the situation was mmm I wasn’t really happy with that either. Basically tension and arguing and debating and all of that trying to point fingers and this and that didn’t resonate with me either so there were two options left… I think change the situation which I tried many, many, many times…doesn’t change the relationship dynamic for me anyway.

So the last thing left was to change how I perceived the situation. It was a huge game-changer for me. I’m like, I enjoy my time with her. Yes we still have our differences but I change the way I I look at the relationship, I change the way I perceive.. you know I am even aware, I’ve become aware of the perceptions I have and I go, “Wow… that’s interesting that I thought that, that I felt this way and I got triggered here and just understanding that it’s not her it’s not me it’s just this is how this is what’s happening so kind of looking above the situation and I found that when I replicate that with everything, I can break my own rulebooks every single moment of every single day.

I always tell the Kindred Spirits in my life, Kindred Souls that I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t expect you to accommodate me. I don’t expect you to stop what you’re doing. I don’t expect you to scratch my back just because I was there–you don’t owe me anything there’s no binding to me, there’s no expectation that I have, the only expectation I’ve ever had on anyone, and that’s something that I determined for myself, is for people to do what they want to do. Anyway, I digress.

The main thing I wanted to share about my experience over the past… I mean through my twenties pretty much. For those of you that are just hopping on this Vlog train of my personal experience as being a human, my human experience, experiencing being human, feeling the feels. Um, I’m 30 years old. All through my twenties is really when I came to the self-realization and self awareness of just how strong my ego was in my life and essentially what that means is victimizing myself, I’m getting angry at people, I’m blaming the world, I’m feeling very strongly about how my beliefs, and my truths and really foisting that upon other people to achieve my agenda and it was a lot of, “I, me, I, me,” um, and then rationalizing.

I was explaining in a couple podcasts blogcast, vlogcasts ago, that, um, I was addicted to negativity. I’m recovering from being an addict, addict of negativity, actually and then level 4, I’m I’m referencing this tool that I use for my coaching business — it’s called the Energy Leadership Index Assessment— and basically levels 1 through 4: victim, anger, rationalizing and, um, compassion. So, there’s a lot of burnout that I was experiencing and a lot of that came from I care what people think, I don’t want to offend anyone, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, I don’t want to make someone feel uncomfortable, I don’t want… it was all about minimizing myself and when I didn’t get the validation and permission from outside of myself to be who I was trying really hard to be, even then I didn’t know what I was, I knew what I wasn’t. I knew what I was because I knew what I wasn’t and even though I wanted to, to improve my experience as a person, the more I, I actually found the more I stood and tried to fill space and take up space and go, “Enough is not enough for me anymore.”

I don’t want to play it small anymore, I don’t want to… I don’t want to be angry anymore, I don’t want to foist my feelings, and opinions and truth and beliefs on other people and I don’t want to keep criticizing others, I don’t want to keep casting judgement on others, I don’t want to keep jumping to conclusions of how people are, just to boost my ego and I did that in my relationship with my mom!

And it only recently came to my realization, came to my awareness that I was doing that, I was doing that but then you know, leaning into that like why is her validation so important to me because I care, I care what she thinks about me and I mean for me I’ve come to the conclusion that of course I care what people think about me but I’m not going to let, I’m not going to shrink and minimize myself and and just keep catering to everyone and everything to make sure everyone’s safe, everyone’s comfortable, everyone’s got what they need and then now I can take my step.

Like, that’s just not how I want to exist…of course it’s a situational thing I’m not saying that just, WHOA,  just keep stepping and not paying any mind but the thing is and what I shared in a previous Vlogcast is that just because you do something, say something, act a certain way and someone gets hurt, someone feels left out and I’m specifically talking about those of you, just like me — Kim 1.0 or even Kim 2.0 I consider myself Kim 3.0 right now, um, you keep copping out, I copped out all the time I’ll be like, “Oh you know, I can, you know I did this to someone oh I … something so I can’t I’m not supposed to, people said I’m not smart enough. the little voice in your head, the little voice in my head, I don’t know about you, I can’t speak for you, but for myself a little voice in my head kept telling me, “You are not enough to improve your experience, you are not smart enough, you have no business doing this, who do you think you are? You are hurting other people this, that, this, that.”

Pain is inevitable, hurting someone’s feelings is inevitable. We are not psychic, we can try to be empathetic, we can try to pick up, we can try to pick up and be sensitive to these things but I have been there for almost all of my entire life putting everyone before myself and when I look at it in a different way and I changed my relationship with my love, “Am I really loving or am I doing this to make myself feel better? It’s really a sense of accomplishment, that sense of purpose, that feeling you get from doing something, is what we chase. It’s the feeling, it’s not the actual deed. It’s the feeling.

So, what if, this is something that I, I gradually started shifting my mindset with and attitude when I realized that I was just sabotaging myself, pushing people away, lashing out and when I was fooling myself and brainwashing myself into believing and I was improving a situation when really I was just on this hamster wheel of self-destruction. Getting in my own way, shrinking, staying small, playing it safe, let me tell you, a lot of stuff came up when I was building my business, a lot of stuff that I thought I had progressed past, really, I was just hiding.

I had this conversation with a big brother from another mother last night about hiding in success. The moment we think we finally work some, through something, something else will come up that’s potentially even more challenging than the last feat. Having control of a situation is an illusion. Figuring yourself out is an illusion. We’re not even this, I’m not even the same person I was 15 seconds ago. It’s, it’s, I’m not, I just am. I just am.

I mean I have my moments where I catch myself and I go, “Wow, what brought me to do that? Is it some insecurity? Was it me seeking validation outside of myself? Is it making me feel good? Am I doing this to make myself feel good? So, really paying attention to, raising my awareness to how I’m showing up and that’s usually the energy I attract. I came to that realization probably just before I started working for Amazon and that was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was so angry and no matter what I did at Amazon: threw a fit, shut down, lashed out at people, push people away, was really, really, really rude…it didn’t matter. The only person really suffering the most was myself.

Goes back to the theme of the last question in the last vlogcast of, you know, you’re fooling yourself, we fool ourselves into thinking that things will improve eventually. It’s not going to improve if you don’t change what your approaches or your method. You’re just going to, it’s just gonna stay, um,  until we can relinquish ownership of feelings, relinquish ownership of memories, relinquish ownership of everything, that’s when we start to take things less personal, we start to and I, honestly, when catch myself, um, you know the ‘I, me’ debacle when I catch myself doing that, I truly pause and I go okay look my human side, it’s ego, it’s not even me it’s just ego. That’s it, just ego. There’s nothing wrong with that either and really loving unto that, that aspect of a human experience, taking things personal. Um, it helps to gain clarity about what is it that I that I feel uncomfortable with?

What is it that I’m doing? Self-sabotaging. What is between me and enjoying someone’s company, what is in between me and doing something new? What is in between me and not making another vlogcast? Is it about me? Who is it about? Is it about the ego? My ego? Is it about boosting a reputation? Is it about getting views? Is it about, is it about, is it about… it’s all self-reflection. It’s all asking empowering questions. it’s all being receptive to different perspectives being open to different points of view, being cognizant that we don’t own… anything. maybe that sounds a little woosaww. But it took almost a decade of coming to realize my self-sabotage, to check myself and, and like I leveled with myself. I leveled with myself and I’m like, Kim …Kim. Do you really, really want to stay feeling this way? I’m like, of course not but I don’t know what else to do! If you don’t know and you catch yourself doing one of these four things: victimizing yourself. So, if you’re resisting these four things resisting [admitting to]: avoiding, ignoring, suppressing, denying…you’re self-sabotaging and you’re also brain washing yourself into being married to your ego. So you’re really not self-aware– you’re stuck..

Victimizing yourself: so being at the cause of everything, no responsibility, deflecting responsibility, blaming other people for how you feel, blaming other people for your how you are, experiencing being angry all the time, how you are feeling righteously right all the time and just getting stuff done, like really imposing your will on other people in in a retaliatory, combative, self-defensive way.

Rationalizing, if you catch yourself rationalizing all the time you pretty much are going to be the world’s doormat. That’s how that works and then when you’re level 4, you put everyone else before yourself. I think, I mean honestly staying in those four levels of ego, really still, really, really strong ego, it’s toxic — for self and potentially for other people.

So, the energy you put off is the energy, you get back, um, in any given moment and it’s a matter of do you want to choose the kind of energy you attract or just float around and be confused and stuff. For me I was tired and then I thought, “There’s got to be something more than pushing product all day long, taking orders from other people all day long and being around a bunch of people that hate their job, hate their lives and are just working themselves to death. So, I decided to take a calculated risk and and go where I felt I needed to be and that was meandering into [the] personal development realm and it was, it was and still is the most awakening, healing…experience and getting to re-experience what I went through for 10 years and even more and looking at that in a detached way and going in hindsight, “Wow, I was doing that or the ego was so strong and just looking at it from that point of view it makes complete sense why I felt and acted and behaved and was so lost for so long because I had convinced, I, I felt convinced that everything was okay… it was not okay, not for me.

Question: what area of your life have you settled into and bothers you a lot? I’m talking like you know how people say they have a pebble in their shoe? I’m talking about a couple pebbles in your shoe. So is there an area in your life, What area in your life are you settling right now… and it doesn’t feel good? The amount of, I mean what are the disadvantages and advantages to continuing. That Insanity? Just, just a question? What do you feel are the advantages and disadvantages to that one area in your life that doesn’t feel good to continue in that pattern? Just a question.

I want to plug a book. I don’t get royalties from this by the way. It’s a fellow colleague of mine, uh, her name is Shelby Forsythia. She has a podcast, um, let me mirror this so you can see it. Okay, so she has this book Permission to Grieve and she also has a free podcast called ‘Coming back: conversations on life after loss.’ And I’ll put the link below [here]. It, It, so the little tidbit on the front says, “Creating Grace, space and room to breathe in the aftermath of loss.” And loss can be anything not necessarily losing a loved one but loss of any kind. Graduating the reason why I share this book is because I think some of us need permission, a lot of us need permission outside of ourselves, to be the fullest and most true expression of who we are.

We care a lot about what other people think and trying to get permission and validation and affirmation, reassurance from outside ourselves can be a hindrance because we’re so consumed with what other people think and we’re scared and that is okay, completely normal. I guess what I want to do right now is to give you permission to grieve if you’re ready to grieve the loss of who you used to be. It’s only there as a way to say you want to improve the situation in your life. If you feel like there’s nothing to be improved, then I am, I’m happy for you, you are good. This, this vlogcast has nothing to do with you. This is for people that genuinely feel not good about continuing this cycle in a certain part of their life.

So, I’m giving you permission for those of you that are ready for that and if it’s you know that the advantages far outweigh the advantages of staying in that situation then what are you going to do, who do you know, who can you talk to that can that can get you out of that insanity? Um, My name is Kim Johnson, I’m a Mental Health Skills Lifestyle coach at Grounds For Clarity, LLC. You can find me at grounds for clarity.com

Thank you for tuning in wherever you are have… make, make your morning, your afternoon your evening the way you want it to be.”

Regards,
Kim Johnson
Thought Founder of Grounds For Clarity, LLC

Feeling stuck, alone, down and without a purpose in life? Would you like help with that?

Groundsforclarity@gmail.com