To my younger self

To my younger self,

I know that things seem hard right now, but you will get through it. I do not doubt your ability. Look at six months ago when you had to call and text him until he answered you or came home. You made it through those days yes they were rough but you made it throught those days. I think back to when we were 6 and everything seemed like it couldn’t get any worse than being raped by our step father. Then came the bullying and the harrasment from our fellow students. There was the worst of it the bullying and being raped. There nothing that could have made us think anything different than we were to blame. Now we know that isn’t the case. We weren’t the ones to blame for that. that was his sick and twisted thought process. He shouldn’t have done that.

That’s when we started to withdraw from family and school events unless there were a lot of people there. No one knew what was going on because we didn’t talk because he had threatened us. Now we have a guy that has sworn to protect us at every turn. I just want you to think back to before all that happened to when we were 4. our parents always fighting no one to protect us there. We had to protect robert who was only a baby. We had to get him out of the way of their anger. things weren’t great but at least we could handle that. the bullying was a sign of the weakness in other people i just want you to remember that.

Now go back to when we told mom about what had happened to us. She was devestated by the facts. KLittle did anyone know that it would come back to haunt you. yes our first step father had stalked us. Now what do we do we act as if everything is okay. We don’t tell anyone for fear that they would get hurt next. No matter what people had told you about stalkers just because they got caught stalking you doesn’t mean that they would stop. Things are different these days. Now we are protected from anyone who would want to hurt us.

until next time,

Bri Bear 22

Dear Anxiety

Dear Anxiety,

I know that we’ve been best friends now for awhile, but it’s time for you to leave. I have gotten over your shenanigans. You’re no longer the joke of the party. We’ve been through so much together. we went through so many school changes. Although you’ve been a great guest in my life you were horrible to live with. You were only supposed to visit but you had decided to stay and move into my head while I was trying to straighten up for the man in my life. You made me think that no one was ever going to like me fo rwho I am. while this is true for some of the people in my life. It’s not true for all of the people in my life.

You my dear friend have been a complication in my life. You haven’t been a really good friend lately. You’ve told me so many lies lately that I’ve believed that I must evict you from my life. Our relationship has become toxic for me but great for you. I can’t physically or mentally keep this relationship up any longer. It’s physically draining and stressful for me. It’s mentally exhausting. I can do nothing to please you. You’re like my dad. Both of you drain me, get me worked up, demean me, and mentally exhaust me. I’m afraid to go out in public by myself because I’m afraid that I’m going to have a panic attack from hell.

I don’t wan to be the guy that you hate for the rest of your life, but I have to evict you from my life for my own well being. I care about you and hope you find a new home that isn’t in someone I care about. I can’t handle you anymore and things have gotten out of control between us. I mean we fight and argue about everything. There is nothing more that you can teach me and vice versa. I have taught you how to handle your own out in this big bad world. now it’s time for you to move on with your life and for me to move on with mine. I have a husband that loves me for me. I have a mother-in-law and father-in-law that care about me. I don’t need you to butt your way in to these relationships now. so this is your final notice you’re evicted. Good bye, ciao, and adios old friend.