Learn to Love Yourself in the Alone Time

I have spent the last several months going to work and going home. Not much socializing. Sometimes once a month I would go out if invited to something. I was trying to save money. And I was trying to work on myself. I went to counseling and did other activities to pull myself out of depression. I don’t have insurance so that was the best I could do. I remember feeling alone often. I looked for ways to stay busy and distract myself from how I felt. I wished I could afford to go out and spend time with even one person.

As I was getting to a better place with my finances, the pandemic happened. Everything shut down. I lost a lot of work. Other than concerns for my income, my daily routine didn’t change much. I couldn’t read a book at a coffee shop, but I could live without that. I had grown more comfortable with myself and didn’t mind the alone time. I still feel alone but it doesn’t bother me as much. I’ve grown to a place where I enjoy cooking again. I read more. I write fiction more. My creative ideas are never ending.

During the pandemic, there were videos of celebrities feeling upset during social distancing. This reminded me of how I felt. I realized there wasn’t anything wrong with me or how I felt. We were all reacting in a normal way to isolation. I hope people are discovering new things about themselves. If you’re bored during isolation, you need new hobbies. If you’re alone and uncomfortable, you need to love yourself and enjoy your own company. We all should set time aside to be alone. It’s important to our wellbeing. Find your happiness in the alone time.

James Pack is a self-published author of poetry and fiction.  Information about his publishing credits can be found on his personal blog TheJamesPack.com.  He resides in Tucson, AZ.

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The Long Road to Betterment

As human beings, regardless of our backgrounds, we’ve become conditioned to evaluate our success in life based on the monetary value of our material possessions. The impact of this trending train of thought has become detrimental to our society, and is especially toxic for those of us who already struggle to find our sense of selves, our true value.

This shift in humanity, in my opinion, grew exponentially with the rise of the technological era. While it’s existed within us for several generations, it’s much more prominent in the last few. And while recently there has been a small faction bringing minimalist living to light, currently more than ever we have become obsessed with the idea of owning the best and newest things.

This has been a difficult post to write because of my own current struggles on the topic. Where is the line between valuing possessions over what really matters, and yearning for a sense of security you’ve never known? There’s obviously financial security in the way of assets, and then there’s having a stable life. Who’s to say when we’ve taken it too far, and how do we separate the wants from the true needs?

I was raised as a welfare baby, my mom on social security, section 8, food stamps, and I’ve had government provided health insurance for my entire life. My mom still survives on the programs, and now I’m raising my daughter on food stamps and free health care as well. It’s not a choice, because while my husband works, it’s not enough, and I can’t bring in enough money with my disabilities to make the pain they’d cause worth the while.

I’m sure my mother wasn’t proud to need all that assistance to raise me, and I’m certainly not proud either. We recently began trying to apply for home loans, as we’ve both lived under mostly slum lords for our entire lives and we want better for our daughter. Long and painfully disappointing story short, we got denied this week and it broke me.

This switch has gone off inside of me, making me feel guilt, inferiority, and judgment towards myself. I swore I’d never raise my child on welfare, but this was before I knew of my physical restraints. Despite my lack on control in the matter, there’s a certain self resentment that comes with that, a sense of worthlessness. I thought I’d found the perfect home for us, actually allowed myself to get excited for once, and now someone else’s family will fill the home.

It’s been an incredibly trying week, with tensions always escalating and tensions always rising due to our current crappy living situation, and I haven’t felt this defeated in a really long time. Especially for those of us with mental illness, stability is incredibly imperative to our success, and it’s my firm belief that if I can finally achieve stability, maybe I can finally begin my journey to betterment.

What I thought was one step closer turned out to be two steps back, but I must still press on. I have to believe that there’s more left in life for me than just the current chapter, that the book will have at least a relatively halpy ending. Here’s to everyone else who’s had a disappointing week or felt broken by something outside of your control. Life gave us lemons, so I guess we’re making lemonade, no matter how sweet or sour it tastes.

Introduction

If you have ever ridden a roller coaster, you understand the excitement and fear that courses through your mind and body as you burst through the track. You experience such an intense jolt of so many emotions as your breath is stolen from falling and you only have enough time to take another breath as you ascend. In a lot of ways, bipolar disorder seems to share many similarities. It seems to change a person drastically in mere moments and can even span episodes for days at a time. You never know how you will feel when you wake up in the morning. You never know what will happen to send you spiraling into a depressive episode. I often like to call it a “Jekyll and Hyde” effect in my personal blog.

I am Shelton Fisher and recently I have been given the privilege to be a contributing writer for The Bipolar Writer. I am a 25 year old with a full time job, an amazing wife, and the two best dogs in the world. I used to be a decent musician and writing has become a passion of mine. Amid the wonderful things that life has provided for me, I have mental health issues that fight me tooth and nail on a regular basis. Anxiety has been a familiar part of my life since I was a child, but alcoholism and panic attacks made me realize that I needed to finally address these problem medically. In September of last year I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and began a regimen of serotonin inhibitors and recently I have began seeing a therapist. After several sessions addressing my childhood behaviors and my current behaviors, we have discussed that I may be bipolar and the symptoms honestly surprised me.

As I continue the journey into my mental health to confirm a diagnosis and discover how to live a better life, I want to include you through personal stories, free verse poetry, and the occasional informative post. I am not a professional by any means, but I am living proof that mental health is a war to be won. If you have ever been afraid to speak, afraid to make a move, lost motivation and hope, hurt yourself because you couldn’t find the right words or felt trapped inside your body, screamed at the top of your lungs with tears rolling down your boiling red cheeks, self medicated with alcohol or drugs, fallen into depression for no apparent reason, or just want to know how I am handling things, my posts are for you.

Which Vert are You?

I am sure you have been asked this question before. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?  I have recently pondered this question myself. For some people this is an easy question to answer, but for many, including myself, it is difficult.

To the outside world I may appear as an extrovert. I can be very friendly and can act social when I am out and about. Sometimes I talk a lot, as I have too much to say. I also love to speak publicly about topics I am passionate about, like mental illness, promoting good mental health and mental illness, ending mental illness stigma, suicide and suicide prevention.

Even though I can appear very social, friendly, likable and like an extrovert, people are not aware how I feel inside. I may be struggling inside, but can hide that part of myself to make others comfortable around me or because I need to share imperative information in a situation or at a speaking engagement.

Many times it is a daunting task to get out of my house and socialize, but once I am out I usually enjoy being around others and am usually good at it. This of course depends on the social setting, environment, people around me, my current mood pole and my intrinsic characteristics I am feeling and experiencing. Sometimes I am fully comfortable with my social settings and experiences and other times I am not. My extroversion varies.

Many times I am an introvert. I love being alone and thrive in my inner world inside myself. One misconception is that people who are introverts are shy. This is not always the case. You can be an introvert and not be shy.

“The quieter you become, the more you can hear.” ~ Ram Dass

Introverts tend to feel drained after socializing and regain their energy by spending time alone. Sometimes I can be very social but it becomes exhausting. Maybe that is because I am more of an introvert than I am an extrovert most of the time, and leaning more strongly to being an introvert. I don’t lie in the middle of the spectrum but instead fluctuate between being an introvert and extrovert.  People that know me well would not define me as an introvert.

We should never force ourselves to be something or someone we are not. If an introvert tries to be an extrovert too often, it can cause them to burn out, crash and reach a deep dark depression and/or have anxiety. This has happened to me many times when I tried to be someone or something I was not.

It’s important to find where you are in the introversion/extroversion scale. By increasing your awareness of your type, you can develop a better sense of your personality characteristics and focus on your strengths.

Sometimes I fall in the middle of the extrovert and introvert spectrum. I am an ambivert and it is comforting knowing where I lie in the personality types.

The trick to being an ambivert is knowing when to force yourself to lean toward one side of the spectrum when it isn’t happening naturally. Ambiverts with low self-awareness  and low self-esteem struggle with this. I used to often and occasionally still do. Now that I am aware of this, I can work on not forcing myself when I am not there.

“Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself, do not go out and look for a successful personality and duplicate it.” –Bruce Lee

Adam Grant at Wharton found that two-thirds of people don’t strongly identify as introverts or extroverts. These people, which are the vast majority of us, are called ambiverts. Ambiverts have both introverted and extroverted tendencies. A balance of both would be considered an ambivert. The direction ambiverts lean toward varies greatly, depending on the situation.

Some introverts need their solitude as much as extroverts need their social interaction. As an ambivert, I need a little of both worlds. Recently I have been enjoying my solitude more than social interactions. Over the years, the severity of my bipolar symptoms caused me to isolate too much. Isolating has turned into a bad habit, but bad habits can be broken.

I understand it is imperative for me to socialize. I need to step out of my comfort zone, join some groups and find good people to be friends with. I may need to take baby steps in making this change as I am an ambivert, but that is okay. I just need to find a good balance with the introverted and extroverted parts of my personality.

First learn who you are. Then accept who are and embrace yourself lovingly. Love yourself. Learn to work with yourself versus fighting against yourself. Become the best version of yourself you can be.

Copyright © 2018 by Susan Walz | myloudbipolarwhispers.com | All Righs Reserved.