My Story’s the Opposite of EVERYTHING We’ve Been Taught About Mental Illness

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.”

~Martin Luther King, Jr.

One year, six months and eight days ago I was in the worst state I have ever been in during my over twenty-seven years of living with mental illness. I was severely suicidal and had been for many days and months in a row and was experiencing an elated mania mixed episode.

One year, six months and eight days ago I attempted suicide and thought I was leaving earth forever. I strongly wanted to and was ready. I faced the reality of what death meant and I was there…

Those were scary and heartbreaking words to write especially because…

today I am beyond blessed to be alive and I feel better and happier than I ever have in my life. I feel inner joy, a peaceful spirit and a mental wellness I don’t think I ever felt before…

My suicide attempt was a blessing in disguise because it forced me to go off Klonopin, a Benzodiazepine, the only psychotropic medication I was on at them time. Because I overdosed on Benzos (as well as other psychotropics I had saved and stored in my home for years), the psychiatrists in the hospital would not give me anymore Benzodiazepines while I was in the hospital. And after staying in the hospital for two weeks and beginning the severe horrible hell of Klonopin withdrawal syndrome, I knew I would never take another Benzo again.

After I was forced to stop taking the Benodiazepine, Klonopin, I never looked back.

After surviving the severe beyond painful and debilitating neurological like impairments for over two months from the withdrawals from Klonopin after over two decades of their use, overuse and abuse, I am mentally well. I made it.

After the damage caused from taking Klonopin and the many other combinations and cocktails of Psychotropic medications and after having over a hundred ECTs over a twenty-five year period, my brain continues to improve and rejuvenate every day. I keep improving both physically and mentally even at my ripe old age of 56. My arthritis is even improving. It is uncanny and unbelievably amazing.

This is great news and I thought everyone would be happy to hear it and receive the inspiration of hope from my story.

However, my words now are sometimes more difficult to share with the mental illness community than when I shared my thoughts and feelings of the pain from being suicidal. I am happy I could do that then to help others, plus writing about my pain was very therapeutic for me.

Maybe more people could relate to my posts about heartache, loss, pain and despair because that was what they were going through, as well. Maybe it is harder to hear the blessings of wellness because it doesn’t seem possible to them. Recovery and happiness seem so far away and out of reach many people don’t think it could happen to them.

I must reiterate a million times that recovery is possible and is in everyone’s reach. Some people must stretch further than others. But recovery and happiness are possible for everyone.  Keep going. Keep reaching for that first grasp of success and recovery. You can do it. Once you grab on to recovery never let go.

For years, we have been taught that mental illness means:

  1. Continued struggles and ups and downs with recovery.
  2. Mental illness diagnoses are forever.
  3. You will need to be on various psychotropic medications for the rest of your lives.
  4. Mental illness is a life sentence.
  5. You will never be normal.
  6. We can get you to live a functional life. Ugh.
  7. You must accept your diagnosis and use of medications as the first step in recovery or you will never achieve it.
  8. You must accept that this will be a lifelong battle.
  9. You must lean how to deal with the knowledge of this permanent life sentence before your journey of recovery can begin.

At lease those were some of the things I was told. Yikes. No wonder so many people struggling with mental illness attempt or die by suicide… There is not enough hope and sometimes there is no hope…

We must have hope for survival, recovery and wellness.

I want to help inspire that hope.

At first, I was so excited to share what I had learned and the positive experiences that happened to me. I thought people would be happy and receptive to hear what I had to say.

I received mixed reviews. Although people are happy for me they are very skeptical. Some think I am manic and that is why I feel well today. They think I am “crazy” and that this can never happen. I am living proof but it is almost like they can’t believe it.

I want them to believe it. I know it is true because I am living it and I must share my story. What else can I do? I hope people will listen and find hope from my story.

Some people get upset with me for making it sound like I am promoting for all people to be psychotropic medication free. This is not the case. Medications are necessary for many but maybe not forever for some people.

Psychotropic medications are not ALWAYS required, necessary or healthy for all people to take for the rest of their lives. The use of psychotropic medications needs to be evaluated more often on an individual basis for people after diagnosis. The pros and cons need to be addressed much more often than they are and the damage these meds can cause needs to be looked at very closely–ALWAYS.

Please think about this regarding the use of psychotropic medications…

We repeatedly hear…

“Everyone is different and responds to medications differently.”

If that is true then why do we hear the blanketed statements, “Psychotropic medications must be taken for the rest of your lives. Never stop taking your medications.” If everyone is different than why do we assume EVERYONE will need to take their medications for the rest of their lives. We DO NOT know this to be a fact. Not yet anyway.

We also hear and read, “Bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses are lifelong chronic illnesses. You will have bipolar disorder, for example, for the rest of your life.” If everyone is different, how do we know this to be true for sure? I don’t think we do. We do not know this to be a fact as they do not have all the answers about mental illness. There are still learning as they go and we are currently their subjects.

We need to keep an open mind and keep the possibility and hope that mental illness is not ALWAYS a lifelong illness.

Also, some people don’t like it when I talk about the dangers of Benzos and other psychotropic medications. I know everyone is different, but still the dangers are very real and affect everyone differently.

I share my story to inform, educate, increase awareness and inspire hope.

Some people are not receptive to what I have to say. It is a very sensitive area. My story conflicts with what we have been taught about mental illness.

My story is the opposite of EVERYTHING we have been taught about mental illness. I share my current story about how…

  1. My recovery continues to improve and I have reached mental wellness.
  2. I no longer have bipolar disorder (I was told it was a misdiagnosis.)
  3. I am psychotropic medications free for over a  year and a half.
  4. I have less anxiety symptoms than before starting Klonopin and other medications (withdrawal symptoms from Benzos can cause an increase in anxiety like symptoms worse than anxiety was. We blame increased anxiety on mental illness when in actuality it was from withdrawal effects of Benzos and possibly other psychotropics).
  5. I feel like my old self before my initial diagnosis of postpartum depression 27 years ago. This continues to improve every day and is a welcome joy.
  6. I enjoy working again. I am a resident care assistant for patients with Alzheimers. I get paid to give love again like before my diagnosis when I was a special needs teacher.
  7. I am joining church groups and signed up for an adult tap class.
  8. Slowly I am learning how to be social again and I welcome that as well.
  9. Nothing is permanent.
  10. My mental health improved. I am better and can live a beautiful, productive and meaningful life (BEYOND FUNCTIONAL).

Once I was given a mental illness diagnosis, it was drilled into my head that it is permanent and will never go away. I was told I will HAVE to take psychotropic medications for the rest of my life. “You must NEVER stop taking your medications,” I was repeatedly told. “You will never be normal. We can get you to live a functional life but you will never be normal.”

These kind of things are also said to many people after being given a mental illness diagnosis. The rest of your life seems like an awful long time to endure the type of hell I went through. Maybe that is why there are so many suicides. People with mental illness diagnoses are not given enough hope.

I was diagnosed with mental illness over 27 years ago and have been mentally well about a year after the Klonopin withdrawal symptoms finally subsided enough to enjoy the beauty of living again. Maybe my recovery  took 26 years, but the point is… it is possible and it happens. Regardless of the length of time it took, reaching recovery and mental wellness is a huge beautiful glorious blessing and is worth every pain and heartache.

Keep going. Keep fighting. You will make it too and once you do you will know it was all worth it–every painful step and pothole of your journey matters.

The pain and suffering from mental illness does not have to be forever. It really doesn’t. It will get better. You will get better. You can do it. You can make it. I am living proof.

Never forget…

You are loved by many.

You are needed.

You are important and you matter.

Your life has value.

You can live a long, successful, happy and productive life.

You can and will make a positive impact on many people’s lives.

You can and will enjoy the beauty of living…

and hopefully one day without the interference of mental illness.

I pray that for all of you.

Never give up.

You got this.

When you don’t feel like you can do this…


Much love, Sue

Photo credit: Photo by Dan Meyers on Unsplash

© 2019 Susan Walz | | All Rights Reserved

It’s All About the Flash (a Very Free Verse Poem)

It’s all about the flash,

the flash of the past,

the flash of what was

the flash of what could have been.

The flash of dreams you want to come true,

dreams that would make your life better.

You know it.

You can feel it,

so you pray

and wait

and dream some more

for a better life.

Then you dream for better flashes,

flashes that tell you you are good.

flashes that tell you it will get better,

flashes that tell you people care about you,

flashes that tell you people love you,

flashes that tell you you will make it again

because you did it before.

Then more flashes asking why

and when will life get better,

flashes of other people’s lives

that seem so much better,

so much easier

than yours.

Then you just pray–

pray for acceptance of what is

and acceptance of what was.

Pray for peace

and patience

for your faith to become stronger.

You keep trying and fighting,

praying you will feel better soon

and then

you just pray.

Pray for happines

and peace

to come


This is what recovery is





I keep typing until I feel better.

It hasn’t worked yet

but I will keep trying,



woking through it.

Typing to feel,

to love

and live.

I will make it again.

I have made it before

and I will make it again.

Type, type, type

to feel real.

Type away my sadness.

Type, type, type.

The sadness–

it is still there,

so I type.

I type some more

and pray for happiness and love

to fill my soul,

for loneliness to leave me.

I will make it.

Recovery is possible.


I am living proof.

I will never forget.

I am living proof.

So I keep living

and fighting



I am breathing.

I am a survivor.


to enjoy

the beauty

of living.

~Written by Susan Walz 

This is why I write and blog. Sometimes I know I need something, so I just type–to feel, to feel real. Thanks for reading. I hope you can relate to this.

Keep fighting, feeling and being.

Sometimes all we can do is “be.” Just “be.” Give yourself credit for accepting when you need to just “be.” Today is a day I just need to “be” so I am ‘being” for a little while until I can “be” more than I am now–until I  can feel more like me–the better me.

All of the “me’s” I have are okay

and all of the “you’s” you have are okay too.

Some days are like that. We need to give ourselves a day to just “be.

BE all that you can BE.

BE the best you

you can BE.

Much love and hugs, Sue

© 2019 | All Rights Reserved

Taylor’s Interview Feature

Many of us in the mental illness community can trace our “story” from the very beginnings, and many stories start when we were teenagers. In my own experience when I was a teenager, I never wanted people to know, or to tell my story. I wonder all the time what would have happened if had gotten help as a teenager? That is what makes Taylor’s story— a young woman from Knoxville, Tennessee— all the more amazing. At age nineteen Taylor has already been through so much, and yet she was willing the be featured on the Bipolar Writer blog, this is Taylor’s story. One we can all learn a few things from her journey.

(Taylor’s blog)

Taylor’s Interview Feature

When a journey begins, it is usually at the point where life and mental illness starts crashing into one another. Taylor’s journey begins four years ago in 2014, with a diagnosis of depression and anxiety. In October 2014, Taylor attempted suicide for the first time by trying to overdose on 105 painkillers.

“I sent one of my best friends a suicide note, through text, expecting not to wake up the next morning,” Taylor explains. “To my disappointment, at the time, I did wake up.”

The next day Taylor’s friend, believing that her friend had committed suicide, was hysterical. Taylor’s other friends were clueless as to why her friend was crying hysterically, and it was at this moment that she told her friends what she had done.

“They ended up telling my guidance counselor because I told them I did plan on doing it again and no one was going to stop me. I was so sick mentally that I couldn’t see past the darkness.”

Taylor looks at her life before her illness with so much light. It was a time of happiness being surrounded by family and friends. Life was more natural when Taylor had the coping mechanisms to deal with life, it was a life where she found goodness in everything. Then, what seemed so sudden, life was changing. It reached a point where Taylor couldn’t take it anymore.

“By that, I mean, I couldn’t just smile every time I had a personal problem and acknowledge them,” Taylor talks about the experience. “My problems became more frequent, and I couldn’t handle all the negative changes in my life, all at once. I just had enough, and I didn’t know how to cope with it.”


Taylor describes life before her mental illness like a sugar rush, and when it became too much, she crashed. It became a deterioration of her mental illness, and it led her to suicide.

To get through a single day, Taylor turns to her faith and talks to God. Taylor is very religious, and she grew up with her father as a preacher and now a pastor. It helps Taylor to connect with her parents daily because they serve as her closest confidants and best friends— especially her mother.

“I am so greatful for the constant pushes they give me everyday to be productive, eat, and take my medicine. The simple things.”

Every day is a constant battle for Taylor with herself. At a level, Taylor wants to get better, but the motivation to do anything on any given day can seem impossible at times. When she isn’t in class, you can often find Taylor sleeping in bed. It is physically hard most days for Taylor to put her feet on the ground. Just to get ready for school is exhausting because Taylor finds herself once again in the throes of not being mental well in the present.


“I am nineteen-years-old and my parents still have to call me and remind me to take my medicine otherwise I won’t,” Taylor explains about taking her medication. “Not because I don’t want to get better, but because I don’t like the way it makes me physically feel when I take my medication. I feel sick and lethargic when I take my medicine, but I also feel happy and satisfied. It is a constant battle of wanting to feel good physically or mentally.”

At only nineteen, mental illness has already changed Taylor, and she has grown accustomed to being alone. It makes her less social and more of a hardcore introvert when the Taylor before was more extrovert. It is easier in her life to be extremely antisocial, and Taylor often finds herself doing things on her own.

The struggle to deal with life with a mental illness can be severe for a young woman still trying to find her place in this world. It has resulted in the loss of many of her friends because it is easier for Taylor to push people away because of the constant ups and downs of her struggles. Taylor understands that this is a part of her life now, but it is never easy.

There is one positive thing that Taylor wanted to share in this interview feature:

”I want the mental illness community to know that it is okay to not be okay. I have had to learn that myself. People with mental illnesses already see themselves as a burden, so they don’t press their issues on others causing a buildup within themselves until they just snap. We can only handle so much. I want this community to know if they or someone they know are not feeling like themselves lately please seek help and talk to someone. I am always here anyone and everyone— always,” Taylor explains.

Taylor has discovered the therapeutic feeling of writing her feelings and thoughts within the confines of her blog. It is fantastic for Taylor to share her thoughts and help others like herself being young in this mental illness life. In her own experiences, Taylor expresses the wish that she had someone in her darkest of hours.

“Whenever I am having a bad day, I focus on my blog, or ways I can advocate for mental health. I want to help someone who is possibly on the verge of ending their own life. My overall goal is to help people while also helping myself. I do that by acknowledging my own struggles, pain, and letting others know it is okay to do so.”

Taylor is thankful for the people in her life that make living worth it in the end, and her family and friends mean the world. It brings Taylor to tears thinking about the family and friends that stuck around helping her become a better version of herself. Taylor is forever thankful for those people.

“I am also a huge fan of Scandals lead actress Kerry Washington and singer Beyoncé,” Taylor explains about things that make life worth living. “I know it sounds silly, but Kerry’s advocacy and how she lights up a room every time she steps it has helped me so much in my recovery. Beyoncé’s music has soothed me and has made me feel empowered in more ways than one.”

It would not be the last time that Taylor has tried to take her life since 2014. On some occasions during the previous four years, Taylor has found herself in the hospital after a suicide attempt. On her, last suicide attempt, in particular, landed Taylor in intensive outpatient therapy which has been her start to the road to recovery. Taylor expresses that she is grateful for her last suicide attempt because she survived— its another chance at redemption and recovery.


You can find more on Taylor on her blog:

I always take great care to share a story on one of my fellow mental illness bloggers and Taylor’s story is one that needs to be told. The fact that Taylor is so young and is finding her way in this mental illness life makes for a fantastic story. I know in my heart that we will hear great things from Taylor in the future.

Interviewee: Taylor

Interviewer: James Edgar Skye

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Photo Credit:


unsplash-logoJordan Bauer

unsplash-logoAlexander Lam

We Grow Stronger After We Break

Music has always played an important role in my recovery–mostly praise and worship music or anything inspirational. I love music that touches my heart and speaks joy into my heart–or makes me FEEL something–especially when I was empty and couldn’t feel anything.

Today I repeatedly listened to the song River by Josh Grobin and wrote a post on my blog with the video on it. Here is the link if you would like to see it.

The song River touched my heart. Sometimes a song or music in general does that for me. I can lose myself in the beauty and power of music and art–it captures my soul for a while and I lose myself within it. It is extraordinarily healing, soothing and can be exhilarating. I love that when it happens.

This is part of the uplifting chorus to the song River:

“I walk down to the river,

Though I might not understand it,

It’s not always as we planned it,

My Loud Whispers of Hope–My New Blog Name and a Poem

“Turn loud whispers of hope

into shouts of joy

for the triumph of life and living.”

~Susan Walz

My Loud Whispers of Hope

When I finally accepted the theory that Bipolar 1 Disorder was in fact a misdiagnosis for 26 years, a heavy ugly weight has slowly been lifted from my being and soul. It is in a small sense an emptiness–void of a label I worked long and hard to finally accept after many years of fighting it. Now there is a huge lightness and freedom from this release of a hugely stigmatized label that was branded on my forehead like a flashing neon light for the world to see.

Since I have embraced the lack of the bipolar disorder label from my list and my LIFE, I realized it was time for a new blog name. I wanted to keep the name My Loud Bipolar Whispers similar so I just removed the word bipolar and wanted to name my blog My Loud Whispers but it was already taken. Rats.

At first I thought My Loud Whispers of Hope was too long, but then I decided it was perfect. Hope was the key to my recovery and beginning of my journey of wellness.

I wrote the following poem AFTER I changed my blog name. I started writing my blog post and this poem was transpired.

I hope you like my poem and I hope you like my new blog name.

Be well my friends.

Much love and hugs, 


My Loud Whispers of Hope

The silence of shame

ate at my soul,

weakened my spirit,

and extinguished my light,

until God ignited my spark,

rekindled my flame

and unmuted my voice

with loud whispers of hope.

My loud whispers of hope

became clearer words

of strength,

recovery and healing.

My loud whispers of hope

became lyrics and melodies

of courage,

inspiration and faith.

My loud whispers of hope

became shouts of joy

for the triumph of life and living.

~written by Susan Walz

“Turn loud whispers of hope

into shouts of joy

for the triumph of life and living.”

~Susan Walz

Copyright © 2019 | | All Rights Reserved

Regarding Stigma and Addiction

I have been researching a lot lately about addiction and recovery as I have come to realize that most of my struggles and pain from living a mental illness life were caused from the stigma of mental illness and my addiction to the Benzodiazepine, Klonopin for over twenty years.

Regarding stigma–it was not the illness itself that caused most of my problems–it was the stigma of mental illness that created the hardships and roadblocks along my painful destructive life. If my illness was treated with understanding and compassion like most other illnesses, I would not have lost my career, friends, relationships with my family, my dignity, respect and my own identity. Those would have all remained intact while I battled the pain from my illness. Instead, the stigma of mental illness–being shamed and shunned for the name of my illlness–ripped out my soul beyond repair for years. I am in the process of removing and repairing my shame.

Image result for stigma and addiction

Regarding addiction–my physical dependency on Klonopin caused increased anxiety, depression, insomnia, mixed bipolar like episodes and suicidal ideations for years of my life. Instead of realizing Benzos were the culprit, Psychiatrists, my now ex-husband and family blamed me–my weakness, character flaws and my mental illness labels–they thought everything was all my fault.

I also blamed myself and hated myself for taking extra Klonopin and overdosing. I never understood why I did it. I was never told or learned until now–now that I am finally psychotropic medication free for over a year that it was caused from being addicted to the prescription medication, Klonopin my doctor prescribed me for over twenty years.

Image result for klonopin withdraWAL SYNDROME

Additionally, I unknowingly experienced Klonopin withdrawal syndrome for years. Going through complete Klonopin withdrawal is a hell like I had never experienced before. However, it is a hell I would gladly go through again now that I survived and know how amazingly beautiful it feels to be free from all Benzodiazepine use. After suffering for over twenty-six years there is nothing better than feeling mentally clear and a peaceful serenity inside my body.

Taking Benzodiazepines and other psychotropic medications for over twenty years at a high doses actually damaged my brain. The magical beauty and miracle is that the brain can heal. It can transform and repair itself back to a new normal. It takes time but it happens. While you take medications like Opioids and Benzodiazepines, schedule II and schedule IV drugs your brain adapts to them and changes. When you stop taking those medications your brain must relearn how to function without them again. It takes time for your brain to transform, and recover, but the beauty and gift is that it can heal.

I know everyone is different. I share my story to inform others of the possible dangers of some medications as I do not want others to go through what I did. I share my story to inspire hope that recovery and mental wellness are possible. I am living proof.

It has been a year after my near fatal suicide attempt–

a year of being psychotropic medication free,

a year of no hospitalizations,

a year (minus three months of the excruciatingly painful recovery from Klonopin withdrawal syndrome) of living with mental wellness.

It has been a year of new discoveries

and a celebration of life and living–

My Life is a celebration over death.

Just an FYI–my psychiatrist has completely removed the label of bipolar disorder from my medical files and charts. What????

Wow. It has been a process but I am beginning to accept this as true. My psychiatrist says I was misdiagnosed for over twenty-six years and do not have bipolar 1 disorder. My diagnoses instead are borderline personality disorder and PTSD which were on my long list before. Two diagnoses are enough. He kept BPD as my diagnosis because bipolar disorder and BPD have similar symptoms and people with Borderline Personality Disorder can learn to cope with symptoms and can recover. Bipolar 1 Disorder and generalized anxiety disorder have been removed from my list of psychiatric disorders. A weight has been lifted.

Whether or not I was misdiagnosed, I will never know for sure. The point is I do not have symptoms now and my new psychiatrist believes most of my behaviors and severe symptoms came from taking high doses of the Benzodiazepine, Klonopin for too long–over twenty years. I will elaborate more on my process of accepting a misdiagnosis on a later post and…

I believe when there are no explanations–


Healing is possible.

Copyright © 2019 | | All Rights Reserved

What Anxiety Feels Like (and two worship videos to give you hope)

Imagine you are about to give an unrehearsed speech to 500 people in a large auditorium. This speech will determine whether or not you get a job. It is very urgent as you are unemployed at the time. Your children are depending on you.

It is thirty seconds before you start. You are about to go out. Take a deep breath. Relax.

You can’t relax. There is no relief. The greater problem is that you are not about to give a speech. You are sitting on your couch watching television, or you are in bed trying to fall asleep for the night.

When you have anxiety, you feel like you are about to give a speech to hundreds of people on a topic you know nothing about. You feel this way 24 hours a day, no matter what you are doing.

Now imagine feeling this way, but quadruple it when you attempt to get ready to leave your house or really need to talk in front of others or even just to talk to one person. You already feel like you are about to give a speech and now on top of your speech giving feeling you have to get ready to go to your daughter’s school performance wearing a bikini that is much too small in a crowd of Parkas.

That is anxiety. Now try to live your life. Oh, and wait there are medications with side effects to help ease your anxiety and depression that actually make you feel so drowsy you feel like you just woke up from surgery and your tongue is glued to the roof of your mouth. Plus, the medications caused you to gain weight, so now your bikini is even tighter and more uncomfortable.

Depression, anxiety and bipolar mixed episodes can force you to observe life from the corner back fence area of the pool of life, instead of diving into the pool of life head first.

Don’t worry. There is hope. Life will get better. You learn to give good speeches and you can pick whatever job you want. Your bikini fits better, or you learn not to wear a bikini and wear sweats. You become comfortable in your own skin and life.

It just takes time, patience, the right medication or the elimination of medications (don’t forget this is a great option for many–like me), therapy, the right treatment, supportive people and love.

Prayer and God always helps.

Plus, a nice bikini body would help, too. Oh well. A girl can always dream.

I hope we all  jump head first into our pool of lives. No splashing or peeing.

~written by Susan Walz

I am currently living without anxiety for the first time in my life–after living with severe anxiety most of my life. I may have mild (mostly likely “normal”) anxiety at times, but it is NOTHING.

I went to a show choir performance last night and sat there thoroughly enjoying the show, talent and beauty of the moments without the interference of electrical currents tapping at my brain and out the pores of every inch of my body. It was such a beautiful blessing.

I have many of those aha moments and think often how much easier life is without anxiety and could have been without the constant sensations of electrical currents ripping throughout my entire being–interfering with my ability to function, speak, relax, be my authentic self and grow and form into the person I was supposed to fully become.

I know life would have been so much easier and I could have become a brighter, smarter and more loveable person. But, I will throw away the what ifs and could have beens and I will take who I am now and will accept what is. This is the package of me God intended me to be. I will love me and make the now anxiety and medication free package of me the best me I can be.

I share this with you so you will never give up.

If this is possible for me, it is possible for YOU. 

Praise. Praise. Praise God!!!

When there are no explanations, it must be GOD!

Much love and hugs, Sue


Everything is POSSIBLE with God!!!


Never give up hope. You are gonna do great things.

Be strong in the Lord.

Copyright © 2019 | | All Rights Reserved

Stigma: The Thorn in My Side

Since I was a young child there was a thorn in my side–a thorn in my flesh that penetrated deep into my heart and soul. I couldn’t pinpoint what the prick was or where it originated from, but something was wrong.

As time progressed, more thorns found their way into my flesh pricking me throughout the duration of my life–reminding me I didn’t measure up.

Soon a mental illness cactus threw out its painful thorns of stigma and pierced daggers into my life and psyche. These thorns stuck into my skin permanently with painful reminders of their existence each time stigma resurfaced and slapped again.

Eventually I removed my thorns from my flesh one at a time and gave them back. They were not mine to keep. Upon my thorns removal I realized what my thorns were.

The thorn in my side and thorns in my flesh were shame. Shame penetrated my heart and soul for years and interfered with the quality of my life. I realized after many years that stigma of mental illness caused undue heartache and shame–a shame I did not want or deserve so I gave it back to the originator. I gave my shame to the many people who stigmatize people with mental illness.

I am not ashamed of my mental illness–they are. They may keep their shame and wear it. Shame is not mine to wear.

After I gave back my shame and stopped being ashamed of myself, my mental health improved. It was like a bed of nails was removed from my heart and a light was lit and shone through me. I could see everything clearer. Life was brighter–I was brighter with no dagger like thorns in my side darkening my spirit. I was and am free of the thorns of shame.

I removed the painful thorns, washed off the tarnish and am applying my polish. Too many years of stigma and shame tarnished my soul, so I have a lot of polishing to do. I will not let the reflections of mental illness stigma stain me anymore and I will continue to apply my polish until I shine brightly.

Don’t let stigma or shame tarnish your shine or be a thorn in your side.

Give back their shame.

~Susan Walz

But if ye will not drive out the inhabitants of the land from before you; then it shall come to pass, that those which ye let remain of them shall be pricks in your eyes, and thorns in your sides, and shall vex you in the land wherein ye dwell.’ (Numbers 33:35 King James Version)

Copyright © 2019 | | All Rights Reserved

My New Year’s Resolution is One Word

Hello everyone. I’ve missed you all. Since I began my blog two years ago, I have never written so few posts. This is only my second post in December. Sorry for not writing or contributing on The Bipolar Writer more often but I have been extremely busy writing my memoir and now the grueling process of editing it thoroughly and many more new and exciting things to share with you–gradually.

Today, I got an alert from WordPress telling me my stats are booming and I thought, “What on earth? I haven’t even been writing any posts.” So, I decided to take a look at what was going on at “My Loud Bipolar Whispers.”

A post I wrote last year with the same title as this one got a lot of hits. People must have been googling New Year’s Resolutions is my guess. I wrote My New Year’s Resoultion is One Word on January 4th of last year, which was about a month before my life altering near lethal suicide attempt.

On that post I wrote an overview of my mental illness life. You can take a peek if you would like. It is full of my struggles and I know I wrote it when I was not in a good mental state as a year ago today I was not doing well and had not been for many consecutive months. I was fighting to stay alive and was at my end of my shredded rope.

I will not bore you with the details here, but I wanted to share the beauty of the fact that miracles happen. There is hope for everyone. If you look at my posts from a year ago, you can read and feel the excruciating pain I was in and see how sick I was then.

I am living proof that recovery is possible. I have been completely medication free for over ten months now and am symptom free for the most part. I am under a Psychiatrists care and he can’t quite figure it out either.

I am living proof that recovery and healing are possible. God is good.

My New Year’s Resolution is one word…


With God in my life, living my life for Christ and serving the Lord, I know 2019 will be an awesome year–the best year ever.

When I keep my focus on God everything else will fall into a good place.

When I let Jesus’ love shine through me, I will always be the best me and that is who I strive to be in 2019.

I pray 2019 will be a happy, healthy, joyful, love-filled, peaceful and abundantly blessed year for all of you

Happy New Year!

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I think “God” is a very feasible and attainable New Year’s resolution and…

with God by my side,

nothing is impossible… 

everything is possible.

Love, Sue

BTW… It’s nice to be back writing on my blog and contributing on this blog. I hope you are all doing well.

God is my New Year’s Resolution.

What’s your New Year’s resolution for 2019?

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Image result for new year's resolutions 2019



Copyright © 2018 | | All Rights Reserved

Melancholy – A Poem

“And so being young and dipped in folly, I fell in love with melancholy.”

Edgar Allen Poe

Hello. You’re back. I remember you well. We go way back and are like old friends of sorts, or acquaintances, or frenemies rather.

I missed your familiarity. You are ugly, yet comfortable like my old favorite, ripped up, tattered and torn sweatshirt.

I feel you. I know you. I sensed you were coming back and here you are.

Now, I’m not alone in my loneliness. Not with you entering back into my life. You are here giving me a gentle hug. A squeeze to my heart. A peculiar warmth. Your essence creating a sorrowful glow that touches my heart weighing it down like an uneven brick of pressure.

You are a feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause. Your name is melancholy. A painful melancholy that overwhelms and overflows my spirit.

Miss melancholy, I know you. Sometimes you bring all your friends with you. Sadness, sorrow, unhappiness, desolation, dejection, depression despondency, the blues, gloom and misery. You are basically the same and yet slightly different at the same time. You seem to work in groups. One leads to the other or leads to a group of mass destruction that can wreak havoc on the most beautiful life.

You call out my name and scream, but no one else can hear you except me. I listen to you because I know you. You have been part of my life for many years, since I was a little girl.

The depths of familiar pain I have reached with you by my side. This indescribable feeling is still a feeling. Oh, the depths of something I can’t describe.

I have been blessed and cursed in ways others can never know unless they too have been visited by your touch. I know the depths of human emotion for I have known death while living. Pre-death, the outer edges of dying, the place just tipping the end. A flirtatious taste of what it is. I know it. I have been there.

Your hug is singing inside me. You have come to visit so far a little bit at a time. However, I fear you will overstay your visit. Please do not try to get too close. I don’t want you to stay and enter back into my life fully and completely. You are destructive and can lead to depression.

You have caused tears already. Tears that have come when I did not want them to come. I think you have been here long enough. It is time for you to leave and take your tears with you. Take your sorrow. Take your grief and your shame and you hurt and your regret. Take it all. I do not want it. I need you to flee. It is time for you to run, scram and scadaddle out of here.

Get out of my heart, get out of my soul and get out of my life for good. Never return.  Goodbye.

“Melancholy is the happiness of being sad.” Victor Hugo

Copyright © 2018 Susan Walz | | All Rights Reserved