My Last Panic Attack

It had been a while. To be honest, I don’t miss panic attacks. I hate them because I lose myself in the panic attack, and control is what I crave most.

It was inevitable. Depression in my life always leads me to increase anxiety. An when that happens, a panic attack is sure to follow–and last night was no different.

It was one of the worst in a while. I couldn’t keep still. My focus was all over the place. My mind was racing. There were real thoughts and fears that I was not going to live through the night. My breathing was shallow for so long, and I was hyperventilating for what seemed like forever.

The entire ordeal lasted almost an hour it took about four milligrams of Ativan (I took my regular 2mg dose at about 9pm, and my panic attack happened around 1am. I had to take two more milligrams just to find my center again. It had been a long time since that has happened.

I have been good with my Ativan the last month since I changed how I take my 4mg of dosage each day. 1mg in the morning and afternoon/early evening and 2mg before I sleep. This new routine almost eradicated my late night anxiety. Unfortunately, depression and anxiety is a dangerous mix and almost always leads to panic attacks in my life.

My depression has been a little bit better. I still have to resist the urge to stay in bed and be unproductive. It takes everything I have to work through the depression and try to keep my routine.

The only thing that I didn’t get to today was my daily workout. With the weather being freezing (for California) and my mood something had to give. I was able to write for a few hours including this blog post and finish one of my papers for school.

I feel a bit broken, and I need a mental health day (maybe in the coming weekend I will find some time to just layabout.) It would be the perfect timing. My sleep has been problematic (I will discuss this in a separate blog post.) When I am depressed, I tend to overdo life, thinking that I have to work harder just to get through my day. While that is true, I am still learning that I can let go. Tomorrow is always another day.

Always Keep Fighting

James

My GoFundMe Page

https://www.gofundme.com/rasing-to-upgrade-the-bipolar-writer-blog

Now, I had to use my real name for this (I write under my pseudonym James Edgar Skye) so don’t be surprised by the name–David TC. Also, this allows me to show how much has been donated (I will give the running total at the end of the post.

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Dear Depression

We’re old friends aren’t we? You’ve sat within me for so long. You’ve been within me poisoning me. Like Iron Man’s arc reactor in the movie “Iron Man 2”. You’ve lied to me. Telling me that life isn’t worth it. That happiness doesn’t exist, at least it doesn’t exist for me. And I believed you. For a time I believed you and your lies. There was a time where I wondered what was the point of it all? Why fight?

But no more. I no longer believe your lies. I have risen beyond you. I know you will never completely go away. You’ll always be just beneath the surafce, ready to come out at the most inopportune moment. I have accepted that. Just know that things will never be the same as they were before. I will always fight you. Every step of the way. Every single day if necessary.

You are a liar. Happiness is possible. I’ve seen it, I’ve experienced it. And I will always fight to be happy because my life is worth it. You are not. So I’m writing this to just let you know, you will never be victorious over me. I may falter, but I will never be beaten. You will never again defeat me. You did once, but like the legendary phoenix I have risen through the ashes and emerged stronger than ever before. All you’re doing is making me stronger. And now I try to pass that strength on to others. I will not be broken and defeated ever again. Not by you. You might as well give up. You’ve already lost.

Photo Credit: unsplash-logoSasha Freemind