Burnout And Complex PTSD

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Burnout and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C/PTSD) are rarely talked about. I think, for the most part, burnout and fatigue are the most debilitating symptoms that I have to deal with on a daily basis. Fatigue that is caused by my medication and from being extremely anxious and hypervigilant on a daily basis.

Drowning In Work

I find myself trying to drown myself into work, as a coping mechanism, whenever I get overwhelmed by my emotions (or lack of sometimes – due to my numbness) and my inability to articulate what causes me to feel anxious or depressed. It becomes an exhausting cycle, from time to time, and sometimes I seem unable to break out of it.

Life Is A Grind

I honestly believe that living with PTSD or CPTSD feels like I have been grinding for so long that my life has become a grid. I see myself eating at my desk more often than I should. Drinking more caffeine just so my body can cope with my grind or my need to keep grinding. Adding into the mix, my anxiety, depression and my lack of self-esteem coupled with my self-doubt that was instilled into my body by the trauma I have survived.

This seems to continue and gets to the point where I start eating less healthy and exercise less often. My mood than gets affected and everyone around me – well becomes frustrated with having to deal with my dark side. I honestly do get tired of feeling hopeless. This whole cycle then leads me into thinking that I have become inferior – by comparison – to who I was before my trauma.

This vicious cycle is unhealthy, I must admit. My body then gets to a point where it can’t take anymore stressors or continue to work. I think that this habit of constantly over-working myself can’t be stopped by self care mechanisms. although, they can help tame and slow down the process of burnout.

Get Help

If you are feeling this way at the moment, I hope you stop – pause – and listen to your mind, body, and soul. Because they are you and that is your power. Please try to seek professional help as well.

Burnout is the moment when everything gives, and it’s more common than you might think.

Matt D’avella

Let us rebuild a healthy state of mind.

Love,

Francesca

The Long Road to Betterment

As human beings, regardless of our backgrounds, we’ve become conditioned to evaluate our success in life based on the monetary value of our material possessions. The impact of this trending train of thought has become detrimental to our society, and is especially toxic for those of us who already struggle to find our sense of selves, our true value.

This shift in humanity, in my opinion, grew exponentially with the rise of the technological era. While it’s existed within us for several generations, it’s much more prominent in the last few. And while recently there has been a small faction bringing minimalist living to light, currently more than ever we have become obsessed with the idea of owning the best and newest things.

This has been a difficult post to write because of my own current struggles on the topic. Where is the line between valuing possessions over what really matters, and yearning for a sense of security you’ve never known? There’s obviously financial security in the way of assets, and then there’s having a stable life. Who’s to say when we’ve taken it too far, and how do we separate the wants from the true needs?

I was raised as a welfare baby, my mom on social security, section 8, food stamps, and I’ve had government provided health insurance for my entire life. My mom still survives on the programs, and now I’m raising my daughter on food stamps and free health care as well. It’s not a choice, because while my husband works, it’s not enough, and I can’t bring in enough money with my disabilities to make the pain they’d cause worth the while.

I’m sure my mother wasn’t proud to need all that assistance to raise me, and I’m certainly not proud either. We recently began trying to apply for home loans, as we’ve both lived under mostly slum lords for our entire lives and we want better for our daughter. Long and painfully disappointing story short, we got denied this week and it broke me.

This switch has gone off inside of me, making me feel guilt, inferiority, and judgment towards myself. I swore I’d never raise my child on welfare, but this was before I knew of my physical restraints. Despite my lack on control in the matter, there’s a certain self resentment that comes with that, a sense of worthlessness. I thought I’d found the perfect home for us, actually allowed myself to get excited for once, and now someone else’s family will fill the home.

It’s been an incredibly trying week, with tensions always escalating and tensions always rising due to our current crappy living situation, and I haven’t felt this defeated in a really long time. Especially for those of us with mental illness, stability is incredibly imperative to our success, and it’s my firm belief that if I can finally achieve stability, maybe I can finally begin my journey to betterment.

What I thought was one step closer turned out to be two steps back, but I must still press on. I have to believe that there’s more left in life for me than just the current chapter, that the book will have at least a relatively halpy ending. Here’s to everyone else who’s had a disappointing week or felt broken by something outside of your control. Life gave us lemons, so I guess we’re making lemonade, no matter how sweet or sour it tastes.

My Weekly Wrap-up of the Bipolar Writer Blog

It has been a couple of weeks since writing a wrap up. With the added volume of contributor writers on my blog is it imperative to do these weekly wrap-ups. This is place to go for all the amazing posts that you can find on The Bipolar Writer Blog. These wrap-ups end my week and at the same time gives my readers a place to look back. So here we go.

What Helps Relieve Anxiety

I really enjoyed writing this blog post about the anxiety relief since I am still working on the major issues related to my social anxiety. In this post I explain what has worked for me. I am still a work in progress but these tips are quite useful.

An American’s Obsession with Korean Pop

This is a repost of one of my favorites since starting my blog. I have a real obsession with Korean Pop, so much so that I am learning to speak the language.

What is Bipolar Disorder to me?

I wrote this piece at the request of a blogger who didn’t understand what Bipolar Disorder is and what it actually means. I give my best description that I can in this blog post.

The Bipolar Writer Hasn’t been at his Best

Sometimes James Edgar Skye and The Bipolar Writer isn’t always at his best. Here I explain what that means for me. It’s a great personal post that might make its way as a chapter in my memoir.

Teaching While Bipolar

This is a great blog post from one my talented contributor writers— Perpetually Eliza. It talks about the ups and downs of teaching while Bipolar. It is an amazing piece and you should read it if you are going into the field to teaching with a mental illness.

Total Exhaustion

This blog post was written my another talented contributor writer— Tabbi. In the piece the author talks about the exhausting of living with a mental illness and having other issues. It’s a good read.

How Does Depression Affect Your Relationships

This blog post was written by another talented contributor writer— 🌸Jia Khan🌸. It explains the realities of how depression can affect your relationships. Posts such as these are really important because at some level we all want companionship to get through the tough times.

You Are Amazing

The subject matter speaks for itself in this amazing blog post by my contributor writer— Girlyshellebelle7. If you’re looking for an upbeat post when you are feeling down, look no further that the post from this talented writer.

What’s Wrong?

What’s wrong is was written by Chelsea Owens. In the post the author explores the list of favorite questions that are asked of her. It’s a great read and one that is relatable.

Are There Different Levels of Depression?

I wrote this blog post as a request from a fellow blogger for me to define if there are different levels of depression. It is a great read because I share my experiences and some of my fellow bloggers shared their own with the types of depression that I have not lived through. It is a great read if you’re looking for the levels of depression.

I don’t make promises

This post was another good one from one of my contributor writers— Blogpostsfromthedge. It talks about the realities of mental illness and not making promises. It is a great read because there is always a level of uncertainty for those of us dealing with a mental illness.

The Bipolar Writer Needs a Logo

The Mutations of Mental Health

In this blog post author CM North talks about his own journey and how there is not a cure of mental illness and how he will always identify with having a mental illness. In this post the author gives his personal thoughts about the subject.

What it’s Like to Have a Panic Attack While Driving – A Poem

I wrote this poem just this past week in the throes of one of the worst panic attacks of my life. It was bad, and I think I really captured what was going on at this time. It is a unique perspective that those who have lived through it can understand.

Tough Love

This was one of the most emotionally driven posts to ever make its way onto the Bipolar Writer under the author Catherinerunningriley. It is a really good read and I think everyone who is dealing with a mental illness should read this post.

Eve’s Interview Feature

This is another edition of my ongoing series about sharing the stories of the mental illness community. What I loved writing about Eve’s feature is that it was one of recovery and positivity despite her struggles with her illness and alcoholism. It is an amazing story.

Being Doubly Shamed in Psychosis

This was written by another of my contributor writers— Orangewallsblog. I thought got this piece a quote from the blog post would serve it well.

“There’s something strange that occurs in highly stigmatized identities: the shame of being that identity and the shame of wanting to be identified as that identity. As someone with a degree of sustained insight, it was difficult to explain how my life was being run by a bunch of lies.”

My Bad Week

It is always my goal of The Bipolar Writer to share the different sides of my mental illness. In My Bad Week I talk about how things can change so quickly after I had one of my best months in January 2018. So I wrote this honest post about my bad week.

Positivity

This another great blog post about Positivity from contributor blogger Girlyshellebelle7. It really is a great that on The Bipolar Writer we can get varying levels of posts from amazing authors. “Positivity” is another great read.

When to Ask For Help: Ideation vs Action

A great post about asking for help when you are suicidal by author Alan Wolfgang. The author really goes into detail on what you can do when you are suicidal. It is great read from one of my contributor bloggers.

That is it for this week. It has been a busy one for The Bipolar Writer and I am looking forward to what my contributor writers and what I bring in the coming week.

Always Keep Fighting

James Edgar Skye

Photo Credit: unsplash-logoClint McKoy

Total Exhaustion

Tonight I am up again late thinking about being in a state of total exhaustion. For a long time, I have said that your mental, physical, and spiritual states are all connected. (This applies to you no matter what religion you have I believe because your spirit or fire that drives you can be your spiritual side as well.) When one of those is stressed due to sickness, exhaustion, over-scheduling, or something that keeps them from being able to find rest at some point the other two will step in place and keep you stable for a little while.

But it adds extra pressure to those other two states as well in the process trying to support you in the area that you need help and handle their own tasks. Before you know it you are in crisis mode in all three areas.

Currently, that is where I am. I’ve been physically sick and battling strep since September. In the beginning, my mental status was on track for the most part and my spiritual status was as well.

Now we are pushing on 5 months of battling strep. That’s 5 months of the other two parts of my health trying to support me and keep me stable while running a fever every day for the past two weeks, getting limited amounts of sleep, and trying to continue working and my daily tasks.

I started seeing slips or changes in my mental health toward the end of November. By the beginning of January, I noticed the need for more medication to help with panic attacks. I am struggling to deal with depression mostly and some mixed states of bipolar. My doctors have suggested increases in medications. I’ve resisted to this point because I feel that the truth is if we can fix the physical part I can regain control of where I need to be.

I’ve really tried to stay on track in boosting my physical health and used tools in my coping techniques to help with my mental health conditions. I’ve tried to lean on my faith and pull my support system closer to me.

The good news is that I have a surgery scheduled for the 12th of this month. I’m hoping this will fix the physical issue and things will work better. I just wanted to give you something to think about.

When you are trying to deal with mental health you also have to take into consideration that stresses to your physical and spiritual health also affect your mental status. They may be big changes that hit suddenly are too much for them to compensate for at once (deaths, loss of jobs, etc) or they may be smaller (lingering illnesses, unresolved issues, over-scheduling yourself, etc). Be mindful of this and be kind to yourself.