Four Months: A Bad Day for the Bipolar Writer

I made a decision yesterday that for the remaining time of the first year, I am going to take a mental health day on the 15th of the month. That way, I can work on focusing on staying healthy during isolation. My depression was terrible yesterday, but I got up and took a shower. I put on some fresh clothes and ate some breakfast. I watched a favorite movie that was both mine and my mom’s, Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I am a huge Audrey Hepburn fan, and I love that movie.

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Well, I knew that yesterday was going to suck. While it did in some ways, it was not as bad as it could have been if I let the depression take over my life. Still, four months seem like a lifetime since I lost my mom. I know I talk about my mom a lot; it is still so fresh, like a wound that will not heal.

I know the world is hurting with people dying every day. I sympathize with all who have lost a mother, father, sibling, grandparent, uncle, aunt, or any human life to any illness or natural causes. It sucks. My blog is the one place where I can express myself best through my writing. Loss of life is one of those inevitable things. Losing my mom was one of those things in my life that could have, and still might crush me. I am still in the stages of mourning, and it never feels real, like my mom is going to text me today, asking me something. It was the suddenness of my mom’s death that has been the hardest to get over.

I made a decision yesterday that for the remaining time of the first year, I am going to take a mental health day on the 15th of the month. That way, I can work on focusing on staying healthy during isolation. My depression was terrible yesterday, but I got up and took a shower. I put on some fresh clothes and ate some breakfast. I watched a favorite movie that was both mine and my mom’s, Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I am a huge Audrey Hepburn fan, and I love that movie.

The worst part of the last four months is that the toll it has taken on my dad. I have to make sure that he eats at least dinner. While I am at home in isolation, his job is considered essential, and so I can’t make sure he eats breakfast and lunch. I know this has been so hard for him, and he had gotten so skinny.

We have one another, and I have other siblings, but when your spread ut over two states, it makes it hard. My siblings have their lives, and I chose to be with my dad. In truth, I have to be because of my mental illness, but I do my part. So I have to watch out for him. There are times when I have to be strong in his presence because he is dealing with the unimaginable pain of losing the one person he loved more than anything in this life.

So I survived yesterday. The one thing I regret is drinking a beer, but it was there, and my self-control has not been great lately. I lost four years back in February, but it has not gotten to an everyday thing, so I am okay for now. I am always a fighter.

Always Keep Fighting

James

You can visit the author site of James Edgar Skye here.

Purchase The Bipolar Writer: A Memoir here.

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An Unwanted Upcoming Event

2020 will be my first birthday without my mom, and I feel so lost trying to figure out if I should let it pass by this year. A year of painful firsts has already taken its toll.

You can visit the author site of James Edgar Skye here.

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My birthday is in twelve days, including today. April the 10th, the day The Bipolar Writer came into this world. 2020 has been a year of firsts, and I am not talking about COVID-19, which is a part of our daily lives no matter what we do. 2020 will be my first birthday without my mom, and I feel so lost trying to figure out if I should let it pass by this year. A year of painful firsts has already taken its toll.

I allow some days lost in depression, stress, and the constant need to work. I am high functioning when it comes to depression but not always. My focus on writing and school has made things hard to celebrate. My grandfather’s birthday passed in March, he passed away from cancer in 2014, and we always celebrate that day. I spent the day in bed lost in depression. What will it mean when my birthday comes?

Birthday celebrations have never been my thing. I used to go to Vegas around and one year on my birthday, but I am never really up to celebrate the day. A simple dinner is fine with me, and perhaps I could find some time to cook what I love on my birthday. My all-time favorite birthday meal is corn beef and cabbage. I blame my small amount of Irish blood I have for this being my favorite birthday meal. (On a side note, my favorite meal is sashimi and rice.)

If I am honest, I am leaning towards taking the day off and spending it playing video games, since we are still in a shelter in place for the foreseeable future, and eat junk food. A mental health day. Instead of celebrating, perhaps just doing something to keep my mind busy. There is no doubt that I will miss my mom. With that said, thank you for reading. Stay safe and if you can stay home, and pray for those who have to be out in the world in unsafe conditions.

James

Always Keep Fighting

You can visit the author site of James Edgar Skye here.

Purchase The Bipolar Writer: A Memoir here.

Become a Patron of James Edgar Skye and be a part of his writing here: Become a Patron!

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