Death’s Kiss

As I lay in bed

I cannot ignore the weight of dread

for the months ahead

I practice being in the moment instead

Yet… it will not get out of my head

Spring is a time of life

For me,

it is strife

I question if I’d be better off dead

“Depression”

The doctor has said

Is that why I see red?

These thoughts lead up to

moments in time

A past I cannot rewind

A life I’d rather leave behind

Sobriety I celebrate

Myself, I berate

My depression

never late

Always waiting and ready to turn off the lights

I do not look forward to April nights

Exhausted from this fight

I haven’t the might

Clinging tight to my flag of white

When does this cycle take flight?

As my grip slips

my serration dips

The taste sadness upon my lips

Dare I call it death’s kiss

Perhaps it is me

it will miss

At Times, You Must Walk Throught the Fire

How a Depression Cycle Ruled my Week

I have had the pleasure of tracking my depression over the years. I know from my experiences over the last three years that March is usually the end of the Seasonal Affective Disorder side of my diagnosis if you don’t know what that is you can find more about my own experiences here.

It is also true that I struggle with depression in April, which is usually the transitional month before my depression eases into the summer months beginning in May. It is no surprise then that the past week I have slipped into a small depression cycle.

My last few weeks have been marked by so much work and things to get done. This week was a culmination of weeks of work as I had to do a voiceover on my diversity project (on the mental health of college minorities) and finish my final paper for my State and local government class.

The last two days have been a struggle. I could find a reason to blog. I went almost all week without writing a blog, which always makes me sad. I love to write and share every week but my depression— my oldest companion— got the best of me. Each day starting on Monday I would work as long as possible before giving up and laying in bed. My old habits came back, and more than once I didn’t get out of bed at all. I hate those unproductive days. I even skipped my therapist appointment which will set me back so much, and the summer is coming fast. I am dealing better and keeping my panic attacks from taking over, but I am still fearful that my summer plans will not happen.

At times, you must walk through the fire to get rid of depression— and I did that yesterday. I woke up and decided that this would be the day it changes.

In retrospect, this depression cycle was only five days long. I was hoping that there would be no more cycles this year, but it is a part of my life. I know that there is no hiding from my companion depression— and some days you have to give into the fire to walk through it coming up stronger on the other side. I hope I have done that because the next two weeks I will see the end of my semester, and some time off. That means finally getting to proofread and edit my memoir.

Life is really about cycles and not just depression cycles. In this mental illness life, we are no strangers to the ups and downs. It comes down to finding ways to survive. This part of the journey, the struggles of the worst parts of ourselves, is what life worth living. When you look at the grand scheme of life, not every day will be the worst day ever. Keep fighting and know that you are not alone in this world.

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James Edgar Skye

Photo Credit:

unsplash-logoFelix Russell-Saw

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