Life Has to Kick Me Down a Few Times Before I’ll Succeed

Life has thrown me more curve balls lately. I have four jobs; 2 are part-time, 2 are on-call. The on-call jobs don’t always have work. I say what days I can work, and they choose all the people they need. I get work once a month if I’m lucky. The part-time jobs only offer so many hours each week. What this boils down to, I barely make enough money to survive. Adding insult to injury, the state and federal governments kept my tax refund this year.

They kept the money for student loans. While unemployed for almost half the year, I had a deferment but that finished last month. First payments are due in March, but they kept my refunds anyway. The number they tell you to call, just an automated system that never lets you talk to a person. Literally, it told me I had four debts, nothing else, and the call ended. I filed for a forbearance, but I doubt I’ll get my refunds. Why does any of this matter?

The money from my tax refund would pay my psychiatry bill and dental bills. Until I figure things out, I canceled all my appointments because I’ll have enough to pay rent but nothing else. I’m waiting on approval for nutrition assistance. My car battery died. I’ll wait a week before someone can give me a jump because of scheduling issues. I don’t use my car much so I’m not worried. When I told my sister about some of my struggles and she offered this statement, “You’ll figure it out.” Super supportive.

I know I’ll figure things out, but I feel stuck in a pattern I can’t break. I thought seeing a doctor would help, but I can’t afford one. Over the last 11 years my annual income averaged about $18,000. I attended college during some of that time, but even after college I feel stuck in the same hole. Every attempt to climb out has failed or brought more obstacles; too many to overcome.

I’m stuck between finding a crap full-time job and trying to continue building my writing career. There are few jobs in my city for writers and fewer remote jobs for writing. I’ve applied to many and never get responses. I’ll keep applying. When will I make enough money to survive? I struggle with meeting new people and building relationships, but I can’t work on that until I’m not stressed about where my next meal comes form or if I can pay rent. Welcome to the great America with an expensive existence.