It’s 12:15 am, I am in a dark room
my mind racing and
the panic is rising out of nowhere.
Shallow and slow,
I can’t catch my breath.
It happens, every night, this night— the next.
Restlessness. A feeling of unease.
“I can’t do this,” I think.
A tingling feeling engulfs my hands,
numbness consumes my body.
I pace, take a drink of water—
then begin to pace again.
I must stay inside, “no— I can’t.”
I must go outside, “no— you can’t.”
“Fight this feeling! Please!” A different part says.
“You will never win this fight,” the anxiety answers.
My mind races faster this time, I’m running out of breath.
Helplessness, I am no longer in control of my body.
I overthink. “I am going to die!”
“Please stop! You must fight,” my heart and brain say.
Then again, I over think! And again.
My mind overthinks, “is this my life?”
I feel as if I am under water trying to catch my breath,
to be the person I was before I started to drown.
Sleep, it would be divine. I reach
for this tiny white pill. It is in my hand.
My salvation.
God, I want to sleep
so much to do tomorrow.
The weight of my school obligations crush me.
Finally, in control— again.
Anxiety, why do you control me so?
It’s over for now, but
tomorrow is another day.
Just from these photos, you can see the people that loved him and that five years ago came together to honor this great man. I love my grandfather to this day because he taught me so many great things that I have today. If only he would have seen me continue my recovery with Bipolar 1 and panic disorder, but I believe he is still here in spirit and watching over us with my grandmother.
My Grandfather with his sister circa 2004
The 4th of July has never been the same, I get that it is this fantastic holiday that we, as Americans, celebrate our Independence Day, and I will always honor the day like all of us, just with a sad heart.
On July 3, 2014, we lost my grandfather forever.
Every year I have honored one of the greatest presence in my life, my grandfather. I once wrote a poem about him called The Bravest Man I Knew. I wanted to spend some time this year talking about the man that was always there for me when I needed him since I was a little boy.
My grandfather was born March 18, 1932, in Ewa Beach, Hawaii (pronounced Eva Beach because the “w” is a “v” in the Hawaiian language). My grandfather and grandmother were married in November (I forget the year). My grandfather served in the United States Army for twenty years. He was an amazing man who loved to buy cars, computers, and was very intelligent (where I get my own smarts).
A fact about my grandfather, he was in Hawaii when Pearl Harbor was bombed.
I wish he was here today as I near the end of publishing my first novel. I started going to school for my bachelor’s degree around the time that he got sick with cancer. The doctors gave him six months, and he fought for a year and a half. My grandfather had an amazing spirit, and he was always willing to help his only daughter, my mother, and his grandchildren, he even got to know five out of his six great grandchildren before he passed.
I still remember, he went fast. He was okay in June and then starting on July 2nd be started to lose consciousness and before we knew it he had passed on July 3rd.
It sucked. I was depressed for close to a year after taking care of my grandfather for that year and half. I have never gotten over the suddenness of how cancer can take a person. But he was this amazing man who lived his life, saw the world during his time in the military and drank coffee everyday (which is one of the reasons I am a coffee addict!) My grandfather was, is and always will be loved by those who knew him because he was an amazing man.
Just from these photos, you can see the people that loved him and that five years ago came together to honor this great man. I love my grandfather to this day because he taught me so many great things that I have today. If only he would have seen me continue my recovery with Bipolar 1 and panic disorder, but I believe he is still here in spirit and watching over us with my grandmother.
The last photo was taken weeks before my grandfather passed with his sister visiting. What you don’t see in this photo is all the sweets on his desk not just for him, but his great grandchildren. We all miss you grandpa!
I wanted to share all of this because this is the year where I take everything to the next level. My followers are so important not just to me, but to the contributor writers that call this place home. I want to show the world what a community such as ours is capable of doing amazing things.
First and foremost I would love to share my new author site outside this blog. www.jamesedgarskye.me
I am a writer who needs multiple projects that are ideas, in first drafts, editing, and ready to publish. I am also seeking an agent for those out there looking for a writer. For right now, I understand the self-publishing process, so that is good in my book. I will continue to go down this route. I have a fantastic cover artist (if you are looking, please email me!) and people I trust besides myself to edit my work. I prefer to keep busy.
Here is an idea of where I am at right now just in works in progress.
The Bipolar Writer: A Memoir – (Non-Fiction) Republishing in March 2020
Angel on the Ward – (Fiction Novella) In formatting and working on the cover art. Getting ready to publish in April 2020.
The Rise of the Nephilim – (Fantasy Fiction Novel) In editing looking for an agent
Hyeon and the Precious Notebook(Short Story) Looking for literary magazine publication.
The Dark Passenger (Short Story) Currently in the final editing phases.
Vacation From Heaven (Non-fiction) this is my major ghostwriting project of 2020.
What can I say, I like to keep busy, even as a graduate student.
My Next Big Ideas
A Book Sharing the stories of the Mental Health Community
That brings me to other projects that I want to launch in 2020. The first being A collective book on the stories of the mental illness community. I have been throwing around this idea for a while, and I think it is something that will be long-term. I hope to travel and meet people to write their stories. The money will go to helping others with medication, seeking mental health services, and perhaps other projects. Not a dime will go to me. A lot of this project will hinge if I can convince my followers to become Patreons. I will use my books as incentives for those who want to be a part of my writing process.
A Mental Health Podcast
I have two people that will become contributors once I get all my ducks in a row for this project. Both have experience in mental health. One of these two mental health advocates has experienced differently from mine. One is a bit younger with varying mental illnesses, including PTSD, that she deals with daily. The other, he is the man whom I am ghostwriting his book, is much older but also has some fantastic experiences that significantly differ from my own, including getting off benzodiazepines, which is a tremendous story. It will have guests, and I have big plans for this project in 2020.
Growing The Bipolar Writer Brand
Building my brand is going to be a fun project, and again, it comes down to if I can launch my Patreon account with enthusiasm. I am thinking t-shirts, coffee mugs, and maybe even one-day hoodies that show inspirational things alongside my brand The Bipolar Writer.
I wanted to share all of this because this is the year where I take everything to the next level. My followers are so important not just to me, but to the contributor writers that call this place home. I want to show the world what a community such as ours is capable of doing amazing things. That the support and understanding that I have experienced is the best. We need to change the stigma of mental health together!
If you ever need someone who will help you through a tough time in your life, I hope to be that person, because it is important to me to be accessible to the readers of this blog.
The idea of sharing my number is not the first time I have done this, but I wanted to double down on my recent renewal of being more of a committed mental health advocate.
If you ever need someone who will help you through a tough time in your life, I hope to be that person, because it is important to me to be accessible to the readers of this blog.
My inspiration of late comes from the outpour of support from the followers of this blog. I am going through one of the worst experiences of my life. I can say with certainty that I am not suicidal even though my thoughts have been depressive at times. It is a significant thing to lose a mother. My mom would want me to dive deeper into my mental health advocacy, as she always told me, and so that is why I am doing this post. So here again, I am posting my number, you can find it on my blog as well on the main page.
James’ Number – 831-287-4369
If you need someone to give you some advice on how to get through how you feel, I will be there and answer as quickly as possible. The other route of course is my email.
James’ Email: jamesedgarskye22@gmail.com
I will also list my social media platforms so that if you are not comfortable with these ways of connecting to The Bipolar Writer, you can always contact me.
What I want is total transparency with being there for the people following this blog and the mental illness community. So I hope that those who feel like reaching out because they are suicidal or anything mental health-related do.
Lastly there is always the National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
I was mad at the world. No one in particular, or at some level, I was angry at God. My faith, my foundation, and my life shaken to the core the day my mom passed away on December 15, 2019. The anger I had inside of me made it impossible to write a single blog post.
I wanted to say thank you to all that reached out while I am grieving for my mom. It means the world to me. I am still in the process of working out what my life looks like without my mom. It is a certain thing in this life to lose your parents, but my mom still had more life to live. To see me continue to grow as a writer, and I felt this last over a month now that there is a piece of me missing, it will always be that way. I feel lost some days, but I have to stay strong because it is what my mom would have wanted.
I wanted to write here on my blog about everything I was feeling, but everything came out angry and sad. I am still sad, but I am no longer mad at the world. I didn’t want my followers to see me like this, alone, angry, afraid, and above all, depressed. I have always been open about how life affects my mental illness daily, but I needed some time. I wanted to reach out because I was lost. I am far from out of the woods as the grieving process is a long one.
One good thing about this process is that I was still able to write. I stayed busy. I am helping my dad clean out his shop. I am increasing the number of jobs I am working on in my freelance. I even began ghostwriting this amazing book.
I am querying my major novel, and I finished this excellent short story. I will be publishing a short novella, and writing has become my coping mechanism. I am in the beginning stages of a book about others in the mental health community, an idea that my mom came up with, and one I will be running within the coming months. I am looking to start a podcast. Staying busy right now helps because I have less time to dwell on the negative. That is not to say my nights and some days that I feel I can’t leave the warmth of my bed, but I am not getting down on myself–my mom would not have wanted that for me.
Life is fleeting, and I intend not to waste away in depression and anxiety. I will honor my mother’s memory by living life as the best as I can each day. I will write more here and begin to heal.
Always tell your family you love them, I didn’t get a chance to tell my mom before her stroke took over her brain. I got a goodbye, and I always told my mom how much she meant to me. I wanted to end this post with a story. On December 6th, 2019, I was reading a chapter in my memoir that I wrote about my mom. I texted her right after and told her that she was the one reason that I am alive today and doing what I love. I had no idea that hours later, my mom would have a stroke and never regain consciousness. But something told me that day I had to read that chapter and tell my mom how much I loved her and was lucky she always believed in me. I tell this story to everyone who asks me about that day because the last thing I told her was to “please just breathe mom.” I couldn’t tell her I loved her at that moment because she was being taken away by paramedics.
What I need most is support from the mental illness community. When my grandfather passed, it destroyed me, and I was close to my grandfather and even closer to my mom, she is the only reason. The Bipolar Writer and my pen name James Edgar Skye exists, why I am who I’ve become, it was my mom.
On December 15, 2019, at 9:45am, I lost my mother. This place, this blog, has always been the place where I go when I need support. I always wanted to help others, and my mother was a significant part of the reason I am going to keep this blog. Still, I will be writing about that in the future. Just know that while her brain damage was extensive, she was feeling any pain when she passed, and she had her family around her for support.
What I need most is support from the mental illness community. When my grandfather passed, it destroyed me, and I was close to my grandfather and even closer to my mom, she is the only reason. The Bipolar Writer and my pen name James Edgar Skye exists, why I am who I’ve become, it was my mom.
What I am asking is for support emotionally if you can. I will, of course, be linking my GoFundMe page here, but right now, I am a mess. Depression has already sunk in, and I have no idea what my life looks like without my mother in it because her stroke and passing were so sudden and unexpected. My family is already feeling the financial burdens that will be happening throughout the foreseeable future. Well, wishes are incredible, and if you can help, thank you from my entire family and from the bottom of my heart. I hate asking, but right now, it’s an impossible situation. My GoFundMe page is under my real name, so don’t get distracted if it’s not under James Edgar Skye. I had friends and family making their contributions, and some strangers. Please keep me grounded as a struggle to figure out things. With much love,
My point is things have to change, and it starts with me. I want to end the decade for the Bipolar Writer Collaborative Blog to end on a high note and begin the new year and the new decade on the right note. I will be making an effort to write at least two blog posts a week. There are so many topics that need to be talked about again.
It was pointed out to me recently that this blog runs best when I am active as a writer and participant. Lead by example, and there is some truth to that statement.
I will admit that over the last few months with my novel writing, my graduate work, my freelance work, and getting my memoir published took up all my time. I thought that this blog was functioning well enough that I could take a step back, and it worked for a while. Still, over November 2019, we had the lowest number of articles published on this blog, nine. Even in this blog’s infancy, the first full month of this blog saw twenty-three articles written by me.
This blog, when it was in its highest peak, turned out eighty articles in a single month and saw an average of sixty articles a month. I would write a few blog posts a week myself, and of course, my fantastic ensemble of contributor writers added so much depth in the area of mental health advocacy and sharing mental illness stories.
My point is things have to change, and it starts with me. I want to end the decade for the Bipolar Writer Collaborative Blog to end on a high note and begin the new year and the new decade on the right note. I will be making an effort to write at least two blog posts a week. There are so many topics that need to be talked about again.
For my current contributors I would challenge each and every one of you to share an update or a new blog post that talks about the new challenges or even old challenges surrounding your mental illness/mental health. Let’s continue to do what we all set out to do on this blog, end the stigma surrounding mental illness.
For my current contributors, I would challenge each and every one of you to share an update or a new blog post that talks about the unique challenges or even old challenges surrounding your mental illness/mental health. Let’s continue to do what we all set out to do on this blog, end the stigma surrounding mental illness. This blog is not just my legacy, but also yours.
The other part of this blog post is an open invitation to new contributors that want to add their voice to this blog. If you want to be a part of this fantastic and safe place for mental illness/mental health advocacy, then please contact me @ jamesedgarskye22@gmail.com. I am open to allowing an increase of new vices and ideas. One thing I have learned on this journey is that everyone has a story.
This month I will be updating my followers on some new and exciting projects for 2020 that includes a new book idea and a podcast. With that said, always remember to stay strong in the fight.
Always Keep Fighting
James
P.S. If you have time, please purchase my book. You can find it on Amazon by looking up my pen name James Edgar Skye. The name of the book is The Bipolar Writer: A Memoir. It is available in print and Kindle edition. Thank you for your support. I will also link my Amazon page below.
The day has finally come, the publishing of my memoir. It is called The Bipolar Writer: A Memoir, and it is now available on Amazon both in print and in Kindle Edition.
This journey to share my experiences as a diagnosed Bipolar writer started here in 2017, with the creation of this blog. It was the fantastic people I met, who were willing to accept my story and share their own, that prompted me to write my memoir. I worked tirelessly for a year, coming up with ideas, the direction the memoir would go, its overall design, and, eventually, the completion of a first draft.
After its completion, I didn’t know if it would ever be seen by others. I considered self-publishing, and I was well on my way down that route when I found Eliezer Tristan Publishing. Together they helped me become a published writer. This memoir meant a lot to me, and to finally see its completion, it a life-long dream realized.
You will find within its pages my story not written in linear form but rather in chapters of different thoughts, ideas, and parts of my life. You can go to any chapter and read it, and it will be enlightening. You can read it straight through and still learn about my experience with a mental illness.
You will find the link to my Amazon author page throughout this post where you can purchase my book. It would be an honor. If you can, please share this blog post on your own blog, not just for me, but so that together, we can share one experience in mental health in hopes of helping others and ending the stigma. Thank you, everyone, who has been waiting patiently for the release of this book. Much love,
I started this blog in September of 2017, for a class on how to sell yourself as a writer.
Creating a blog, as any blogger can attest to, is the hardest thing you can do. I never thought in a million years that this would reach so many people. When I made the jump to making The Bipolar Writer blog a collaborative one, it opened up for so many people to bloggers who are trying their best to live their lives with a mental illness, and still, write about their experiences.
2018 was a fantastic year, but for the blog which saw substantial growth on a hard platform to keep going. We reached so many people last year I came into the year hopeful that we could take this blog to the next level. We have been, as a blog, steadily decreasing since January 2019 in people coming to the blog. I think it is a lot of things. Blogging is in part dying out as viewers are turning to video blogs and those who do both. WordPress to me is dying out and we can see that just by looking at the raw numbers.
I have been thinking about the future. I have so much going on as a graduate student and as a writer that blogging is not fun for me anymore. Maybe it is time for me to move on, find a new platform. I have, for the most part, failed to launch my Patreon account though I will still continue to do so in hopes of having that be my next platform. Though I never thought about video blogging, it seems that is the future, and thus I will be making the change soon.
What Does This Mean for the Blog
I will keep it going at least until the end when the domain name needs to be renewed for another year, that is in March of 2020. I will most likely not be adding any more contributors because I am not sure if there is an audience anymore for this platform. Maybe the next few months will change my mind, but I feel that moving on to bigger and better things in the cards for me. I might just keep the blog going for the sake of those who come to the site looking for answers. I still want people to come to this site and find hope among the stories of others.
The Future
The future of James is interesting. I have a book that will be published soon and I plan on using the platform Patreon to sell my book. I think for me that is where my life is taking me and we shall see what that means. In the coming weeks I will talk about my book and more about my own future.
