The Ups & Downs of Being Mentally Ill

I have not written on here for a while because of how up and down my mental health has been. Especially over the past week, I have had some really low days. On Saturday I couldn’t get out of bed,  shower or muster the energy to open Netflix to watch a movie to calm my anxiety.

My first post on here was about how my mental health was in a good place. For months I felt really good! I didn’t have any suicidal thoughts or urges to hurt myself in any way. I had energy, I felt that things were finally going my way.

Sure I still had my depression and anxiety but I felt that I was in control instead of them controlling me.

Then all of a sudden the tables turned (or the turn tables, if you’re a fan of The Office).

My brain decided to tell me all sorts of horrible things it knows will make me fall to my knees. It went from whispering to shouting in the last few days that the world would be better without me in it. That nobody at all would miss me but rather breathe a sigh of relief.

Writing that out makes me cringe but from reading the posts on here, I know I’m not the only person who is feeling or has felt this way.

When I’ve been doing well and then my mental illness tackles me to the ground without warning, I’m taken off guard. I have to remember how to handle these situations. How do I calm myself down when I’m shaking with anxiety? How do I stop these negative thoughts from drowning me? Why don’t I have a drop of energy?

I have my eyes looking forward to therapy today where I hope I can get myself situated again.

I hope that if you’re going through these ups and downs too, you can find peace and make it through this challenging time.

Stay strong, everyone!

The Eventuality of Bipolar One

Before we dive in, I want to just let everyone know that my campaign to upgrade my blog is still underway. If you can donate anything that would be amazing, and those that have it is amazing that you have done so!

My GoFundMe Campaign

https://www.gofundme.com/rasing-to-upgrade-the-bipolar-writer-blog&rcid=r01-154751398023-69a2934d0d76499a&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w

My First Depressive Episode of 2019

Well, it was bound to happen. All my good luck this winter with minimal depression has finally come to an end. I am in my first depressive episode of 2019.

I figured my depression would make its comeback. With Bipolar being for life, it was inevitable. Just like my mania, at some point, it will go awry, and I will be struggling. I understand that this is my and always will be.

It started Saturday. I woke up feeling really weird. I felt a bit hopeless. So many things in my life are piling up, and I am beginning to feel doubts, the lack of confidence in my writing, and a bit of hopelessness. It sucks. I have so many plans and things to get done, and yet things in my life are keeping me from being happy at this moment.

I was so ecstatic about how I have been able to be so productive this winter. My seasonal component has not been an issue (SAD) but the past few days I could feel the weather changing my mood. It has been rainy here the last couple days, and while I often feel good when it rains it not the case at this moment.

Depression is a significant weight on my shoulders, and while I would rather deal with depression than my social anxiety, it still makes me feel like the worst part of me. What has been getting me down?

  1. Trying to figure out the next step with my memoir. I might have to pay a professional to edit if I want this to be the best book I can make it. Money is always an issue as a struggling writer.
  2. I have been worried about taking The Bipolar Writer blog to the next step and upgrade to a business plan. I want to create a platform that people can share their writings. While my campaign has been good so far (this blog has raised over 100 dollars so far) I hate asking people for help, and yet it is needed.
  3. I am starting a new fiction novel, and there is a lot of apprehension about devoting so much time. I am a student, a freelance writer, and I have this blog.
  4. When I stress my depression increases.

It will get better. It always does, and there are other factors right now that is making my depression spiral. The best I can do is stay grounded and try my best not to make this a long depression cycle. I have to remember I am only human and I have a mental illness. The most important thing is my mental health.

Stay strong my fellow sufferers.

Always Keep Fighting

James

unsplash-logoGabriel

unsplash-logoAlex Iby

unsplash-logoNick Cooper 

My Happily Ever After…

“You can’t get to ‘happily ever after’ without turning the page.” ~unknown

Once upon a time…

I wonder how many more me’s there are of me to be.

How many more times can I fully transform to live my life again,

to live a life worth living, and to make myself become worthy of the me there is to be?

The last me was hatched and broken.

Now I have been given a second chance.

A chance to be reborn again,

not in the flesh as I have already been.

But still, I must revamp my body and mind

to become better, stronger and more

than I  have ever been before.

Being patient and giving myself ample time to incubate,

and develop fully into the best me I can be.

I have a chance to be reborn again,

not in the spiritual sense as I have already been.

But still, I must refresh, renew and improve my relationship with Christ.

When I look back on my life I have transformed myself too many times to count.

So many different chapters in my life.

So many different types of books my life has been and continues to be.

It seems my life has gone down too many different paths,

getting lost along the way,

and sometimes reaching a dead end.

I must find a way to keep focused on positive dialogues in my life

and inside my own mind,

find consistent, reliable and positive characters in my life,

and develop a new plot that I can keep, follow, thicken and grow,

until one day I will have a happy ending.

…and she lived

happily ever after.

Image result for and she lived happily ever after

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Music That Changes my Mood – Part 14

It has been a few weeks since I did one of these, and with my growing depression this week, music has been the main thing getting me through each day. Also listening to my audiobooks have helped. I wanted to share some of what I listened to this week. I think eventually I will repeat some songs, but hey that comes with the territory.

You can find my complete list of music that changes my mood here: Favorite Music

I also wrote a social anxiety post that really goes with this post: Ten Things I Wish People Knew About My Social Anxiety Life

Mood Changing Music – Part 14

Girls Generation – Into the World

Avril Lavigne – Wish You Were Here

Avril Lavigne – I’m With You

Paramore ft. Joy Williams – Hate To See Your Heart Break

Taylor Swift – Teardrops on my Guitar

Joy Williams – Before I Sleep

Hey Monday – Candles

Tonight Alive – Lonely Girl

Girls Generation  – Everyday Love

Girls Generation – One Last Time

Against the Current  – Gravity

Paramore – Rose Colored Boy

Well, That is it for this addition of music that changes my mood.

Always keep FIghting.

J.E. Skye

Photo Credit: unsplash-logoLeio McLaren