Judged

Desolate

Undermined

Lost

Confused

Misused

Berated

Segregated

Stigmatized

In Society’s Eye

Chastized

Minimized

Categorized

Broken Ties

Ostracized

Penalized

Compromised

Systematically

Demoralized

Better off Dead

Thoughts in this Head

Regretfully

Ever Said

Made to lie

In this Painful Bed

Night, I dread

Light, I seek

Judged

Instead

Who, Me?

Who, me?

This was my honest response to my psychiatrist’s diagnosis of bipolar. Not only did I not accept it, I thought she had my file confused with someone else’s. She clearly wasn’t listening to anything I was saying. If she had been she would know that I am only ADHD.

Let me be honest and say that I was labeled bipolar multiple times throughout my life by strangers and by family so it wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard but this time it was coming from a professional, a psychiatrist at that. Nevermind what happened after that because I left her office and did not plan on returning.

I didn’t know who she thought she was but she obviously needed to see me a few more times. And that she did. I committed to going back to her because I didn’t like her and that meant I couldn’t get over on her. In active addiction, I learned a great skill, manipulation. In trying to break this terrible habit, I told myself in order to remain sober, I had to get down to the source of my problems. Antidepressants worked fine for my anxiety, with an added just in case pill, but I was still experiencing depression. I needed someone who knew what the hell they were doing and who could see through my bullshit. And …. that she did.

I would see her once a month for 8 months before accepting a mood stabilizer. At the point in which I had, I was at my lowest in years. As soon as I walked through her doors she knew I was ready. She looked at me with emotion in her eyes. My pain was evident. She wanted me to help me. I refused brands I had tried. “Not that one”. Finally, I said yes to an atypical antipsychotic. One that promised to target the problem immediately. One with minimal side effects. The one I continue to take today.

The depth of my depression wasn’t the case for me saying yes. Research was. Over the eight months I researched and investigated the symptoms of bipolar, I read stories and I accepted that I am indeed, bipolar II with rapid cycling. The sad thing was that I was medicated as a bipolar patient without being formally diagnosed with bipolar. I was told I had major depressive disorder, never bipolar yet I was on mood stabilizers while institutionalized but when I wasn’t I only had antidepressants. Odd? Wild, in fact. I still do not know where the communication failed.

The symptoms that allowed me to accept my diagnosis were rapid speech and irritability. I have had severe anger outburst my whole life. I never knew this to be a symptom of bipolar. I thought bipolar was all about depression and mania but boy was I wrong. There is much more to this spectrum disorder. Irritability is a signal to a cycle, for me. It is usually an ending to a hypomanic phase which can last for days sometimes weeks. With medication, my rapid cycling is under control but that by no means makes me exempt from symptoms. I notice an increase in irritability if I miss a number of doses. I try not to miss my medication but sometimes I seem to forget only to quickly be reminded by unstable moods.

Ironically I do not have ADHD as I had self-diagnosed. My problematic lack of focus is on behalf of bipolar disorder. I have an overactive mind that rarely shuts itself off. I have terrible mood swings before and during my cycle. I have a lot of pent-up anger, for no apparent reason. I am not naturally happy even when I try to be. I am unstable, without medication. Hi. My name is Candace and this is my bipolar experience.

If you experience any of symptoms like or similar to mine and life has you low, I ask you seek professional help. Life can be better. There are options. You are worthy of a life with stability.

Hey Ya’ll!

I would politely like to introduce myself.

I am ‘Eve’

The author behind Revenge of Eve. James has done a feature interview on me that he recently reposted. So you may be familiar with my story.

For my followers that follow James, heyyy!

James has lent me his platform to share my story and my experiences, in my words. That is so kind of him.

For those that don’t know about me, all 5,123 …. Lol, I don’t know exactly how many, of you, I am Candace. I am an alcoholic in recovery; 3 years and 2 months sober, a bartender 😉 and the mother to one amazing teenage daughter. I am a “Southern girl”.

I, like the rest of the peeps here, have a plethora of diagnosis and it is my mission to #speakup!

I am bipolar, with anxiety and mild OCD. Oh … And an alcoholic, making me have co-occurring disorders. My disorders don’t define me but they have been known to get in my way.

I write about life as I know it.

My life.

I am passionate about writing and mental wellness and about stationery. I have recently started the journey of wanting to start a creative business and blog about that on a website separate of R.O.E.

If you are interested in real life writing, I invite you to read, interact and #speakup! (Comment).

I am, as they say, an open book.

I make myself readily available for anyone who is struggling or just needs to talk. You can contact me via email on any three of the blogs I am associated with.

So if any of this sounds good to you, we’ll be chat’n soon.

Always & forever,

Candace