Overload

Well, I figured something like this would happen.

Last night, I figured out a pattern of behavior in the middle of the worst panic attack of my life. I have been trying to rack my brain of the “why” of my anxiety over the last few months. It took two Ativan and almost two hours before I was calm enough to lay down. It was another hour before I got some real sleep. My Ativan has been on my mind a lot lately, and it seems as if it starting to not work, and that is a problem.

Let’s turn the clock back a year.

Around this time last year, I was about halfway through writing my first screenplay, Memory of Shane. I had just put the finishing touches on Act two, and I was really excited to keep working this writing project to completion to a first draft. I was full-time in school, so my workload was heavy most days.

I should have seen the pattern. Days without sleep, 10-12 hour writing/study sessions, and more anxiety than I could handle. I went into what I am now calling “overload.” It got so bad by the New Year’s 2017, I was having panic attacks almost daily and the worst of it was at night.

This story ends with finding myself the emergency room in early February with bleeding ulcers and a new understanding of my anxiety. Or so I thought. I knew I had to find ways to fix my anxiety without medication. I had no choice according to my psychiatrist, but doctors aren’t always right. Over the next six or seven months, I began working on controlling my thoughts with mindfulness and CBT. It worked for a while and my anxiety seemed to be under control.

But, I never learn.

Fast forward to now. October hit me slightly. Then in November my anxiety and depression began to spiral out of control. I got my depression back under control, but now my anxiety alludes me. Its like I can’t win. Somehow, I have let myself get to a worse place with my anxiety. I have hit that overload button again. I am working several writing projects, my blog, and still a full-time student. Not to mention the extra writing work I have been doing.

Overload.

I never learn.

The next step? Talking to my therapist this week, getting an emergency session to see my doctor, and maybe cutting back on some things. I could write less here on my blog which seems logical, but this blog is the thing that is keeping me from bouncing off the walls. Maybe take a vacation. I wonder if Vegas is nice this time of year.

It’s funny. I always talk about working on my mental health, but sometimes I am the worst actually practicing what I preach.

I need to get back to what worked this summer. A working schedule that is consistent day in and day out. I need to take breaks every day. I need to sleep more and not wake up until I am rested. I need to eat regularly and stop working myself to death. I need to refocus my CBT work every day and maybe do more mood induction therapy with music. I need to get it together because too many times in my life, I have repeated bad behaviors.

I’m overloaded right now, and the panic attack last night was scary to go through, and my biggest worry is that my anxiety could grow to new levels. 

I thought my anxiety was bad last year and at the beginning of this year, but its worse.

I know my anxiety and panic attacks have been such a big subject the last week, but it is the big thing in my life and almost every night seems impossible that I will get through this issue.

J.E. Skye

Photo Credit: Erico Marcelino

My Third Honest Post

Blogging has changed my life and made writing my memoir The Bipolar Writer a very real possibility.

It is all about the journey, and this is a journal of sorts.

How does one decide to walk down a path knowing that every step could be painful? What gives us the strength to make a decision to share pieces of our lives that have always been hidden away? And what makes us finally decide to take a plunge and share those pieces? It is a scary thought indeed.

I am being overly dramatic. It has hit that time. It has been over three months since I first started this blog. What a journey. I have shared so many pieces of my soul. I still feel as if my journey is only really starting.

Blogging has changed my life. It has given me a place to be who I am when in the real world I have trouble leaving my house for more than just a few hours a day. My struggles that I chronicle on my blog and the feedback for the amazing mental health community of bloggers, has been nothing short of amazing.

I have become more confident in my writing, and the outpour of support has made me realize just how much life can change over the course of three months. Sure, I still struggle. This week alone I have discussed my social anxiety in multiple posts. When things start to go bad, I just write about it here on my blog, I have found some amazing strength that I didn’t know existed in my life.

So many bloggers have asked me to share pieces of my experiences on their blogs as a guest writer. I have bloggers willing to be interviewed for my blog. I love every minute of writing for this blog.

It amazes me that people are willing to give help financially to my blog. I never expected that adding a button to my blog could be effective. I figured I would lose some of my blogger followers.

Even today, I am exhausted from no sleep the night before, but I feel the need to write for as long as I can. I am always wary about the future and where my blog will go in the next month, or even three months be honest.

Thank you to all my fellow bloggers that continue to follow my blog and comment. It means the world to be a part of a great community. I am going to keep working towards making this blog the best it can be.

J.E. Skye

Photo Credit: Mahkeo

Testimonials for “The Bipolar Writer”

The Bipolar Writer Mental Health Blog

Hello, my Followers.

It has been an amazing journey so far with my blog and the connections that I have made here every day. As part of the theme for my WordPress blog allows me to add testimonials from people that follow my blog. It is a great way for me to feature you, my followers on my blog, and for me to show the blog world the connections I have made on this website.

I wanted to reach out see if anyone is willing to write a testimonial on what works on my blog or in my writing. Testimonials can be just a short thing about what you like about my writing. I am opening it up to anyone. If you would like to be a part of my page, write a short testimonial, with the name you would like featured on the testimonial page, and a picture that…

View original post 49 more words

Excerpt From Act Three – Memory of Shane

This is a scene from act three of my screenplay Memory of Shane. I wrote this scene after I completed the first draft and its a special scene to me. This scene shows Shane just hours before his suicide attempt at the end of the screenplay. It has no dialogue, yet it to me represents some of what I felt before making the decision to take my own life. If the scene looks familiar it is because it is a mixture of depression and anxiety that comes with such a decision. Here is another blog with a different scene.

INT. ADRIANA AND SHANE’S APARTMENT – AFTERNOON SAME DAY

MONTAGE:

– Shane is rapidly pacing the living room of his apartment. His laptop is open on a coffee table and a cup of coffee sits next to it, the steam still coming from the cup.

– After a beat, he sits down on the floor in front of the laptop leaning against the couch. He begins tapping on the keyboard of the laptop what seems to be a letter for Adriana.

– He gets up again unable to hold his focus on his work and begins to pace his living room once more.

– After a moment, his breathing starts to quicken as he takes deep shallow breaths. He moves to the kitchen and takes a bottle of water out of the refrigerator and takes a long drink. A look of panic washes over his face as this does little to help his breathing.

– He pulls his phone out of his pocket setting it on the counter next to the water. He starts to rapidly open and close his hands over and over.

– He picks up the phone from the counter and begins to make a call to Adriana but he quickly pushes the end button.

– His breathing quickens faster and he starts to feel faint. He grabs his water and then makes his way to the couch as his legs buckle under him.

– He pulls a pill bottle out of his pocket and puts several small round white pills on the table. He takes one and puts it in his mouth and gulps more of the water in the bottle.

– He continues to sit as he opens and closes his hands. It is a long time before he decides to take another of the white pills.

– After a while Shane sits calmer than before, his panic attack seems to have has subsided. He moves from the couch back down to the floor in front of the laptop and starts to type again.

END OF MONTAGE

Photo Credit: Alexander Lam

Journaling and Tracking Your Mood

I have written a lot lately about my experiences which have helped my memoir take shape over the last month. Today I want to focus on something different that has helped me over the last year. Journaling my daily thoughts and tracking my mood every day.

Journaling my thoughts is a straightforward idea, you write everything that is bothering you, what is good, and where you want to go that day or night. I prefer to journal in the morning, but I would say find a time that works best for you. I have met people that say they journal the end of their day to better understand their thoughts. For me, I prefer to journal in the morning because I can focus my thoughts to better get my day going. It could be five minutes or an hour of journaling. It really is up to you.

The reason that I say journal your thoughts is that this could open up different avenues. Maybe you have a looming essay due that week and you want to know where your thoughts are on the project. Today I used my journal to figure out where I wanted to start my day writing (I decided to dedicate today to only focusing on my writing) and out of that came the idea to write this blog post. It also gave me a map on which chapters in my memoir I wanted to take focus.

I always free-write my journals, with no structure. I handwrite most of my journals, but again find what works for you. I chose the method of handwriting my journals because of my writing, including blogging, happens on my computer. It is nice to get away from the computer for me. I just write my thoughts and I care little about grammar or if I am writing the right way. Just let the ideas flow. It’s a great way to figure out where you are in life.

The second part of this is tracking your current mood. I have used a simple 1-10 scale to track my depression and anxiety. For me, my depression and anxiety are good in the 3-5 range. I can usually function when my levels are in that range. Today I tracked my depression at an eight, due to the fact that this has been a tough week with my depression. I lost almost all of yesterday to depression because my level was a nine. I tracked my anxiety today at a six.

It helps to also chart your progress of your week overall. There are other ways to track as well. In my CBT program, I track both depression and anxiety weekly based on answering questions and assigning a number to each question 1-4. The higher the total after the questionnaire. The one for anxiety is called “Overall Anxiety Severity and Impairment Scale” or (OASIS). The one that I use for depression is called “Overall Depression Severity and Impairment Scale” or (ODSIS). Both are easy to look up and really helpful in tracking the growth of depression and anxiety every week.

I would recommend all of these methods when it comes to tracking thoughts and moods. If you write down your thoughts it gives you the ability to look back on the week and seek changes in the days that follow. Always be honest because journaling is there to help you. Tracking your mood helps you figure out where you are at in the present day and even over the last week.

These are things that have helped me, are there things that have helped you when it comes to tracking your thoughts and moods?

J.E. Skye

Photo Credit: Ian Schneider

Excerpt From “Memory of Shane” Act 2

In an effort to share my writing and get feedback I wanted to share some scenes from my screenplay entitled “Memory of Shane.” The following is from two scenes at the start of Act 2 because it shows two specific things in the screenplay. First, the back and forth between the present when Adriana arrives in California to find Shane in a coma, and the past when Shane is first diagnosed. I wrote my screenplay on Final Draft so I kept the format. If you want to know more about the history of this piece you can find it on my blog

EXT. HOSPITAL – CALIFORNIA – AFTERNOON

Adriana stands outside the entrance of a small hospital as PEOPLE walk past her. She has a large coffee in her hand. For a moment, she hesitates just outside the door and then proceeds inside.

SUBTITLE FADES IN: PRESENT

INT. HOSPITAL – SAME DAY

Adriana walks up to a counter and sets her coffee cup down. A young RECEPTIONIST sits behind a desk, her eyes locked on her cell phone, a moment passes before she looks up.

RECEPTIONIST

Hi. How can I help you today?

ADRIANA

I’m here to see Shane Camp.

RECEPTIONIST

One moment, please.

The receptionist with her finger finds Shane’s name.

RECEPTIONIST (CONT’D)

Shane is in room 211. The intensive care unit. You will need this.

The receptionist hands Adriana a guess pass sticker. She puts the sticker on her shirt.

RECEPTIONIST (CONT’D)

Visiting hours are until seven today.

Adriana turns and walks down a long hallway to an elevator at the end and presses the button to go up.

INT. HOSPITAL ELEVATOR – SAME DAY

Adriana firmly presses the number two on the elevator panel and the elevator hums to life moving up.

INT. HOSPITAL INTENSIVE CARE UNIT – SAME DAY

On the intensive care unit, Adriana casually glances at the numbers on the room doors until she finds room 211 and goes in.

INT. SHANE’S HOSPITAL ROOM – SAME DAY

Adriana stands motionless in the entrance of Shane’s hospital room with her hand on the door. Her eyes survey’s the room as Shane lays lifeless in a hospital bed with tubes and wires coming from his body. She stops after seeing this. Fighting back tears she starts to retreat backward running into a nurse who keeps the door from hitting Adriana.

NURSE

I’m sorry dear, are you okay?

ADRIANA

I’m… I’m fine. How is he?

NURSE

Are you family?

ADRIANA

Not exactly.

NURSE

I can’t give you that information but you can go in if you like.

Adriana grabs the door with a shaky hand and enters the room sitting in a chair next to Shane. She puts her a cup of coffee on a small table next to Shane’s bed. She then puts her hand in Shane’s.

ADRIANA

I never thought in a million years I’d be in a hospital with you again Shane.

INT. HOSPITAL PSYCHIATRIC WARD – SEATTLE – DAY

Shane sits at a round table with chairs encircled around him. His quick glances around the room keep him from making eye contact with the other PATIENTS and VISITORS around him in various stages of activity. His face is a pale white. His eyes lock on an OLDER MAN at the next table quietly in conversation with himself. He is in a T-shirt, hospital pants, and hospital socks. A nurse comes into view breaking his nervous glancing.

SUBTITLE FADES IN: SEVEN YEARS EARLIER

NURSE

Shane, you have a visitor this morning. Are you up for it?

SHANE

Sure. I guess. Who is it?

NURSE

It’s your girlfriend.

Shane rubs his right hand over his heavily bandaged left wrist.

SHANE

Send her in.

The nurse makes her way to a locked door that opens to a small lobby. The nurse faintly calls a name, after a moment Adriana comes into view carrying two coffee cups. Shane looks down at his feet as she makes her way to the table and sits down.

ADRIANA

Hi Shane. I wasn’t sure if they would let me but I brought you some coffee.

Adriana slides the cup across the table.

SHANE

Thanks. The coffee in here sucks, with everything else.

Shane takes the coffee cup taking a long a drink. Adriana’s eyes move from Shane’s face to his bandaged wrists and then quickly back.

SHANE (CONT’D)

Shouldn’t you be in New York?

ADRIANA

I came as soon as Mark could get me on the phone. What happened?

Shane again looks down at his feet.

SHANE

I let the darkness take over. My thoughts consumed me. I couldn’t stop them. It became too much.

ADRIANA

I didn’t know you were getting worse. I shouldn’t have left…

SHANE

This isn’t your fault Adri. I should’ve never gotten involved with you. I let my emotions get the better of me–

Adriana reaches out and grabs Shane by the hand.

ADRIANA

–Shane. I’m not going anywhere.

Shane slowly pulls his hand out of Adriana’s.

SHANE

If you were smart, you’d walk away. I’m damaged goods Adri. I can’t be helped.

After a moment of silence, Shane rises quickly to his feet pushing the chair back and walks away. Adriana has a look of exasperation, with defeat she begins to weep.

ADRIANA

Shane…

Photo Credit: Trent Erwin

My Insomniac Life

This is a long post, and I apologize for it being so. This might become a series as I start to work on my insomnia again.

Insomnia has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I like to joke to people that “it’s in my blood to not sleep.” But, it is a very serious issue in my life. You ask any professional they will tell you that good sleep is key to your mental health.

Unlike most of the things wrong with my life, like living with Bipolar disorder or my social anxiety, I have never felt in control of being an insomniac. I have been through several sleep studies in my life, but they never amount to actually helping me. I have worked on my sleep hygiene to no avail. My biggest problem is getting to sleep.

I can remember growing up maybe eight or nine and not being able to sleep. Over the years it has become almost impossible to get to sleep without medication. I literally can’t remember the last time I could lay down and go to sleep without medication. I sometimes joke about this because I feel insecure about my sleep. If I really think about it, I spend more time at night trying to shut my brain off enough to get sleep, than actually getting to sleep. I have tried every sleeping medication on the market, both prescription and not, and at best they’re a temporary fix.

What has gotten me through the last few years is that I take the antipsychotic Seroquel to help with my Bipolar disorder and so that I can sleep. It’s the one medication that has been consistent in my life because it does a great job at shutting my brain down (although the side effects of having trouble getting out of bed as well as being in a constant haze have always been the worst.) Over the years my dosage has changed.

At one point in my life, I took that max dosage of Seroquel allowed for a patient at 600mg every night. This was early in my diagnoses in 2007, and it went like that for years. Most days that dosage got me to sleep, but the problem was that oversleeping became an issue. When I would oversleep, it would make it harder to sleep the next day. I became wildly inconsistent with my sleep, and sometimes I would go days without sleep even with the high dose of Seroquel. My days were spent mostly in a haze, at least a few hours after waking. The drug is very powerful and But I felt that sleep would be impossible without it.

Around 2012 when I was starting to get back to normal, and going back to school was on the horizon, my doctor and I came up with a plan to find a workable dosage where I could still function. Eventually, we settled on a 300mg dose. It worked for three or four years and while I still got less than five hours of sleep, at least it was something.

I should have realized last year that my sleep was starting to become a major issue again. There would be spurts of time over the last year where sleep was impossible at 300mg. My doctor at the time made the choice to give me options. I would get 100mg tablets and continue to take the 300mg dose with the option to go up to 600mg if needed.

It was slow, but the dosage over the last year has steadily increased. It started with 400mg to get me to sleep, and I would increase it to 500mg if needed. Sometimes it took that much but for the most part, 400mg was enough.

Then this weekend happened. If I had known on Friday that my sleep would take a bad turn, I might have worked harder to get back down to my 300mg dosage in the weeks prior. By I digress.

It started Saturday. I knew I had to wake up around 5am over the next couple days, so I figured why not go to sleep at a decent time? It normally takes me two hours from the time I take my Seroquel, to the time my mind shuts down so I can sleep. I took my normal 400mg and went to bed. I honestly tried to sleep. I was in total darkness, and I just laid there not feeling even a little tired.

I figured it was a night for another single dose so I did that, and still sleep escaped me. Hours had started to pass and I started to panic that I wouldn’t get enough sleep, it turns out that was the least of my worries. Around 2 am, I decided I had to get some sleep before waking up and did the unthinkable. for the first time in five years, I took a max dosage.

This has been hard to write.

This story doesn’t get better. I didn’t sleep that night/morning and still had to get up to be normal. I had to do the things that were planned. I was exhausted. I felt heavier. The worst part is, it was about to get worse. By the time the evening rolled around I could barely keep myself upright, and I figured why not try and sleep? My anxiety was at a very high and it was already in my head that it was only going to get worse.

I tried to go long into the night before taking my medication, but I finally had enough around 6pm. I took my regular dose, and I was barely aware of my surroundings. I laid down with the hope of falling asleep, and for some reason that woke me up. I lay there in my bed once again my thoughts racing faster than the day before. It had been close to 36 hours since I last slept. After an hour, I upped my dosage to 500mg. After two more hours of lying there, I took one more dose. After almost 40 hours, sleep finally consumed me.

This is where I find myself today. I am depressed about this because of it such a major deal and its finals this week. I am worried that tonight will be another step in the wrong direction with my sleep. I have no choice but to really work on my CBT today so that there is a hope to get my mind right. I have to get my mind right.

If you were brave enough to make to this sentence, are there any ideas people can give me on how to deal with insomnia. What do my fellow insomniacs feel about this post?

J.E. Skye

Photo Credit: Alexander Possingham

My Social Anxiety​ Life – Part One

Part One

I decided that this will be a first in a series of blogs about my social anxiety. After going to a live show for the first time in a year and a half I thought this would work as a series.

Anxiety comes in different forms depending on the person who is dealing at any given time. I have written on the subject of anxiety before, and I have written a poem on the subject. But, today I want to go in depth of my own struggle: Social Anxiety.

I can trace my social anxiety to my teenage years, and more specifically when I was a freshman in high school. Before high school, I had a decent amount of friends. When high school came around that changed. I had what people call “friends,” but they were always just at school, and I never hung out with these people outside of school. It became an isolation thing that I couldn’t control. A part of me is very introvert, but the other part of it was my social anxiety. There are times that thoughts cross my mind of what could have been if I knew what I know now about anxiety now, but I digress.

As an adult, my social anxiety has only gotten worse. I have people in my life that I consider family, and maybe a few friends, but it’s a very small group of friends. My social anxiety gets so bad at times especially when coupled with depression, that I have gone weeks, months, and even years of not leaving my house. The thoughts that overcome me in social situations have always haunted me and I can never really totally let them go no matter how well I can manage now.

To try and tackle to issue of social anxiety I have tried so many different things that have helped, but most of the time its temporary   solutions. Listening and focusing on my breathing when I am in a social situation has been helpful. Also, taking an Ativan right before a major social situation has been effective for me.

When I have met new people, it is almost instantaneous that I start to feel self-conscious about the situation. I can feel the judgments washing over me even when these thoughts are unfounded. I prefer to stay within myself because I’m an introvert. These feelings can make me feel inadequate or embarrassed because I feel that I can’t function in any normal social situation.

At times, I will make plans and then as the event comes closer, I will find any reason to get out of the situation. This happened this very weekend and it is what prompted me to write this blog post so that I can gain some perspective on why my social anxiety does this to me.

So far, I have been having catastrophizing thoughts about the event that will happen tonight (I have had tickets for the Jo Koy comedy show for months at my local theater.) My thoughts have ranged from thinking have a panic attack being in a room full of so many strangers, to what will those people think if I suddenly have a panic attack? Can I enjoy myself when I will immediately feel self-conscious about the situation? Will I have enough Ativan given the situation is  so many strangers? And ultimately can I enjoy myself?

It’s a lot to think about, as my social anxiety always does this to me. I know at some level these thoughts are worst-case scenarios and I will most likely enjoy a much-needed night out. I have worked so hard just to get out of my house for a couple hours a day lately, but it’s always in places that are safe like coffee shops. It worries me to be in a packed theater with so many people. The last time I went to a movie theater was well over a year ago, and I barely made it through the movie.

It will be a challenge for me, but I think that it will be important to see this event through to the end no matter the thoughts. I have canceled on so many plans recently I need to stick with it this time. How will I go about this? I can use my breathing techniques before the show starts and in the beginning, I can use what I have learned so far in CBT to change my thoughts and to analyze these thoughts that I can find the meaning being, and have my Ativan and water on me always because for me those two things make me feel better.

I would love to hear your take on social anxiety and anxiety in general. Are there tips that you use to get through something like this?

J.E. Skye

Photo Credit Joshua Earle

Depression Cycles

When I started this blog, I wanted the connections that I made here help guide the blog posts that I write. I didn’t imagine that it would happen right away, but sometimes it does just that when you least expected. I’m just going to see where the idea and direction of this blog post goes in the following paragraphs.

The last few days I found myself talking about depression cycles (or as some call them depression episodes.) To me, the two are one in the same, I think it depends on your psychiatrist and what they call these cycles/episodes. For the sake of this blog post, I will call them cycles.

To me, my depression cycles are defined by the deep feelings of depression that lasts more than a week (some doctors would say two, but hey I am no expert.) My depression cycles always bring out the worst parts of what I like to call depression me. It starts when I have trouble getting out of bed or doing the simplest of tasks.

There is the not eating and feeling hopeless every second that I’m awake. The strangest part for me when I am in a depression cycle is that I’m tired, and yet I have no reason to sleep. I know its bad when I go days without sleep. Instead, I just lay there for hours on end lost in an endless abyss of my depression. The worst part is that the depression cycle keeps me from leaving my house.

Depression for me has always been the hardest thing for me to deal with, and I don’t manage it well. I fail to fix the problems that make me depressed, and then I feed the depression by not getting out of bed or eating. It gets worse. I do nothing about it, and that is the worst part of my depression cycle.

I wanted to talk about one of my worst depression cycles with this blog post.

It started in 2007 and didn’t end until 2009. It would be one of the worst three years of my life. In late 2007, I was diagnosed after a failed suicide attempt, a psychiatric ward visit, and release. Around New Year’s 2008 I ended up once again in the psychiatric ward. I honestly don’t remember most of 2008, and I can count on one hand how many times I left my house that wasn’t a hospital visit.

There were many hospital visits in 2008. Several occasions I was taken by police car to the hospital from my psychiatrist’s office. There were late night hospital visits, but most of the time they released me if I had a “safety plan.” I must have been a convincing writer because most of the time the hospital released me.

Other than that, I spend most of my time in bed. I played video games when my concentration allowed it (although I have played video games my whole life so it doesn’t take much concentration) and I ate only when I had the energy. I was distant and I always felt hopelessness daily. I remember the bad things, like falling through a glass table after taking a double dose of my sleep medication. It wasn’t until late 2009 when I finally came out of this cycle, the longest of my life, and it wouldn’t be the last.

Why do I write about this? The goal I started out with was to share my experiences over the last ten years since my diagnosis. Do you know why my depression cycles lasted so long at the beginning? The simple answer I let depression control me during those times. In my journey, I have had to learn the hard way when it comes to depression.

If I can impart wisdom about depression cycles it’s this: always have a plan to get better, do the little things like getting out of bed, making your bed and eat some breakfast. If you can get out of the house for ten minutes, or more if you can. Seek help and work at making the help you receive work in your life. Listen. Listen to what your psychiatrist or therapist is telling you.

Smile more.

I am not saying do all these things, and that it will all be better. You have to put in the work. It took me years to get to a place where I could function as normal as possible, and still, I don’t function all that well well. But, the more you do can mean working towards getting out of the depression cycle.

I think in the future I will write more on this subject, and depression will always be a topic to be discussed in this blog. I would like to know your thoughts on this topic. Please feel free to leave comments below.

J.E. Skye

Photo Credit: James McGill