This weekend was very difficult for me. My mental illness had me in its grip tight which kept me in bed for Friday evening, Saturday afternoon and about 75 percent of Sunday.
My boyfriend and I were butting heads which really made me anxious. I was having so many worries because of our argument that it made things worse.
He is a very introverted person so sometimes he needs an entire day to re-energize. He told me that he needed alone time this weekend to recharge and spend time with his friends who he doesn’t see very often. In true Megan fashion, I freaked out.
I plunged into my anxious thoughts so deeply that I thought I might get sick. I worried fervently about whether this was the end of our relationship. Whether he didn’t love me anymore. Whether he wanted to find somebody better than me who could meet every single need of his without fail.
My mental illness often makes me feel weak. That if I didn’t have these nagging thoughts that led me to staying in bed for hours, flipping out over a change of plans and crying a lot.
I feel like I should be stronger.
That I should be able to tackle my mental illness to the ground because I don’t fall for its bullshit anymore. That I should be able to rebound quickly or just stand strong after my intense sensitivity teams up with my anxiety to spiral me down into the arms of depression.
If I was stronger I wouldn’t lose an entire weekend because my feelings are hurt and my anxiety is making it 50 times worse.
But I can’t do those things.
I am too weak to overcome my mental illness.
I always ask for your opinion at the end so please leave me a comment! Does your mental illness make you feel weak too?
Sometime over the past couple months I just gave up. I stopped showering as often, stopped answering calls and texts from my family, and stopped going to class. If it wasn’t for bills, I might have stopped going to work. My bedroom floor is covered in clothes, both clean and dirty. I interact with over 100 people each week and while that does not sound like a lot to some, it is to me. It has become overwhelming. I am overwhelmed with life. I feel like a shell of a person. It is a weird thing, knowing you’re in the throes of depression. I can be driving down the road and thinking about how I feel nothing. I don’t feel excited about life. Somehow, I have managed to land a new job that pays more than the one I have now. Somehow, I have managed to find a genuinely good friend in a stranger since moving to a brand-new state where I know nobody. Somehow, I have managed to keep most of the plans we make to hang out. But I still don’t manage to shower every day, be on time for work, or finish a paper on time for class. What is worse is nobody sees it. Not a single person around me has said a word if they have noticed any change. Maybe I am good at hiding it, or maybe they don’t recognize it. Depression looks different on everyone. Thankfully, I have a very supportive family who I feel comfortable telling I am a mess. Even from 1000 miles away they support me and call until I answer in anger. They look pass the cursing for waking me up on a Saturday at 2 pm, even though I have been asleep for 11 hours. There is a lot of pressure for those with mental health issues to talk to someone, but have you talked to them?
I haven’t written in months. I have friends on the internet who have noticed and reached out. It isn’t their job and it isn’t your either. We should all be so lucky to have someone like that. Someone who notices when we aren’t ourselves, even if it is in the tiniest detail. I take my medication, go to my appointments, and do what I am supposed to in order to keep on. This isn’t a cure all. I know this, but many of those around me have the idea that as long as I take my medicine I am fine. I will be fine. I am not fine right now. Check on your people.
I’m 25 years old, not married (but in a two-year long relationship) and I have no children. I would like to get married one day but I’m not sure about being a mother.
One of my countless worries is my ability to parent with a mental illness. I know people have babies and parent every day with mental health struggles, but I have no idea how it is possible.
There are days when I can’t get out of bed. When I can’t focus on anything but the ruminating thoughts in my head and all I want to do is be alone. How do you care for your children when you can’t care for yourself?
I’m also afraid of my child growing up in this hellish world. I hear horrible stories every day about the evil acts done to children at my work so I can’t not think about the possibility of something traumatizing happening to them. I worry that they could be born with a physical or mental disability or a mental illness like myself.
I would feel so guilty! I imagine that I would never feel that I was good enough and could never give them the life they deserve.
Parents out there who have a mental illness, please comment below and tell me how you do it! What are the struggles? Do your child(ren) also have a mental illness?
I would really love some insight on this.
P.S. I also know that parenting is not for everyone. I don’t know if it’s for me which is why I am asking questions. It’s for science!
Hello and welcome, to a new blog by me. If you want to read more blogs I make you can check out my personal blog, I post 3 days in the week a blog. My blog is called: PrettyRose. Recently I did a mini blog series about anxiety disorders and different treatments that exits.
Also, I promised to share some exciting news here. I AM ENGAGED!!!!!! Since you probably don’t know a single thing about me. I am in an almost 5-year long relationship since I was almost 15. Right now I am 19 (to help you count). Which I know is young to get married in the normal culture. But well it is my choice. (This is a whole different story).
Anyway, since that happened people won’t stop asking about it. Like even after the first-day people wanted to know the date. and getting married is expensive when you’re both studying. And well I have made a long list for myself of things that need to be taken care of. And this had increased my anxiety levels in the past days. So I thought, in this blog, I can like to write about this. The anxiety and stress for getting everything ready and just my whole experience. Believe me, it is already stressful, and it is not even a week ago since the engagement.
Now for this blog serie, I would love to know your story and any wisdom you have for me. And I might incorporate this in my blogs. So I NEED YOUR HELP! You can comment down in this blog with your story and experience, but also any tips and tricks you have in this matter.
Also, tell me if you want to know more about my relationship and some of the struggle I have overcome.
This is a short blog, but this is more of an announcement.
You will hear more from me, very soon.
It took me nine years to realize the relationship I was in was a toxic one. I in no way believe I was perfect in my relationship, but I definitely realize now that I deserved a lot better.
I know I’m not alone when I say I don’t like the holidays. Everyone has their reasons. Family gatherings always reminded me of or created more bad memories. I moved away from home to get away from family. It never felt like family. Living on my own, and no family, watching everyone else enjoying the holidays with their loved ones; this only reminded me of what I didn’t have. For a few years, I didn’t have friends around the holidays. If I could, I worked on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Working was better than feeling lonely at home.
As I got older, I developed a kind of family with some friends and coworkers, but this took a long time to build. I had a place to eat on Thanksgiving. I had someone to exchange gifts with on Christmas. After a while, I realized this new family was only a step up from my biological family. It’s difficult feeling alone when you’re surrounded by people; people who are supposed to be there for you but never notice you because they’re trapped within their own mind and problems. Sometimes you can’t find people you click with. People vibrate at different frequencies.
Moving on, getting older, once again I thought I had found a family. The harsh reality that I’ll never be a part of the family as I would like to be is just as painful as feeling like nothing around my other family. I know I have people who care for me. I know they would be there if everything was falling apart. But people who care for you can still make you feel alone or not important without meaning to. There’s no malicious intent. They’re going through problems too. Other’s feelings are forgotten when you’re caught up in your own.
If I can, I still work on Christmas. There are too many unhappy memories around that holiday. At the moment, I’m trying to decipher how much fault is mine in dealing with anyone else. Do they inadvertently make me feel unimportant because I make them feel that way? I’ve started looking back at myself every time I feel wronged. I have to be careful otherwise I’ll fall into the habit of assuming I deserve poor treatment. When do I start assuming I deserve happy memories during the holidays? When do I feel like people want me around for the holidays? This year wasn’t bad. Each year gets a little better.