Post War

Realising what causes my mental blocks, which are, upon summary, conflict without a comprehensible source. I am so used to the compulsion of mental review, that I can’t always catch myself doing it. Its harder and darker than the rumination of the non-sufferer. There’s a lot of conflict involved and a lot of self analysis.… Continue reading Post War

Too Many Excuses.

I love writing. I write lists as a comfort, and my thoughts as an outlet. Sometimes, I get hung up on others opinions of my writing. Opinions I shouldn’t worry about. I write for me. Most of it doesn’t make sense but it feels right.When I freeze while trying to consider opinions I haven’t heard… Continue reading Too Many Excuses.

My First Time.

I have never been hospitalized before. I think that I am pretty good at hiding things, but I couldn’t hide this from myself. I knew there was something wrong. I wasn’t sleeping more than a couple hours, I was becoming emotionally abusive, and I was falling back into overspending. Mania. This isn’t the first time… Continue reading My First Time.

Mindful.

I have been trying to find the words about how I feel about my mania. All I can think is that I am grateful. There are a lot of ways that mania manifests. Every single person experiences something different, hence the adventure in finding your perfect medication cocktail. So I put myself in debt that… Continue reading Mindful.

Clarity.

This is a two part post: The next part is scheduled to be posted tomorrow. I want to start off by saying that I voluntarily see my psych doc weekly because I need a lot of accountability regarding my medication. It is a personal choice and in no way does it reflect my dedication to… Continue reading Clarity.

Thirty.

30. Thirty. The big 3-0. I want to mark this time. (peep that pic of me celebrating graduation in late May) If you would have asked 20 year old me what the next 10 years held…she would have thought that it sounded scary and wonderful, but it could never be her. She blamed everyone for… Continue reading Thirty.

7 Ways I Changed from Hunting the Good Stuff

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

I spent some time in the Arizona Army National Guard. They had started a program called Master Resiliency Training (MRT). Arizona had one of the highest suicide rates among soldiers. They sanctioned this program to help soldiers “overcome adversity.” The Psychology Department of the University of Philadelphia created the program. After a few years I… Continue reading 7 Ways I Changed from Hunting the Good Stuff

Now I See

Yesterday, I received my very first pair of glasses. I didn’t realize how blind I was. I now see everything so differently. So crisp. So clear. It’s insane. I had no idea that I wasn’t seeing things clearly. And it reminded me of myself when I realized something was wrong with my brain. I have… Continue reading Now I See

Exploding With Emotion.

I am not an outwardly emotional person. Behind closed doors, I spill it all. If you asked my mom or friends, they would never describe me as boy crazy. I had plenty of crushes but I just am very mindful of how I present myself. I think this is why, when I get into the… Continue reading Exploding With Emotion.

Bella’s Babbles: Mosaics and Life

Photo by byMALENS on Pexels.com

This morning, I am sitting on the couch with one cat on each side of me.  Both are stretched out and resembling potatoes (they are orange tabbies).  Every so often my girl cat, Charlee Mae, will lift her head, turn it around and meow at me.  I haven’t a clue why.  Is my typing too… Continue reading Bella’s Babbles: Mosaics and Life