I have never been hospitalized before. I think that I am pretty good at hiding things, but I couldn’t hide this from myself. I knew there was something wrong. I wasn’t sleeping more than a couple hours, I was becoming emotionally abusive, and I was falling back into overspending. Mania. This isn’t the first time I have been manic this year, but I hope it is the last. I moved into a new apartment earlier this week and I already can’t make rent. I am exhausting. I am tired from being me.
I took myself down to the hospital which I think we can agree is a feat on its own. Not having insurance was both a blessing a curse. The plus side is that I could choose whatever hospital I wanted and the downside is that I am uninsured. I can’t help but laugh that this insanely expensive vacation I just took and I didn’t even get to go to the pool. I am constantly, actively working to better myself. I take my medication, go to all my doctors appointments, religiously see my therapist, use the breathing exercises. I am not immune to it. It wasn’t at all what I had expected. Clean, hospital like in some ways, slightly degrading, and cold. BUT I am blessed to have gone to a place that provided me a private room and bathroom. Granted, everything was bolted to the floor and the bathroom had no door. Overall it was a really nice place filled with people actively trying to get better.
I was sad and anxious that I was taking all these days unpaid, but I had to. I had to go and get help. It was an out of body experience watching me set fire to all the relationships that took years to rebuild. One conversation has sent it all tumbling down. Here I am, trying to intervene and slow the damage. I was discharged yesterday afternoon and it seems that my grandparents are going to be the hardest to recover. I suppose it is divine timing because we just moved away after living next door to them. I am fortunate to still have my mom in my corner because it would be hell living together for the next year if I am going to be the source of her pain and anger.
I am doing better today. Better than yesterday, better than a week ago. I just have to keep pushing forward. My anxiety is manageable right now and I hope that it stays that way. I hope that this made inpatient stays a little less scary for those who haven’t experienced it.
Take a good look, this is James Edgar Skye before he decided to make a life changing investment into his future and took on a life coach. I wanted to post this picture here because it is important to who I was when starting this journey. We all have to begin somewhere, and this is where I will be a different person by the end of my four month eighteen week long journey.
Last month, I took a chance and decided to seek life coaching with Kim Johnson, founder of Grounds for Clarity. I began last week with my first session. The decision was the right one at the right time in my life. I have been down a spiraling path that was not who I was in 2019, and to be honest, most people are not on the same path in 2020. I have been struggling to find myself within the confines of identities and projects that have made it easier to not deal with the glaring issues in my life. Starting a business from the ground up, even with my experiences, has been tough on me. I have not given myself time to grieve my mom’s loss, and I am dealing with a lot of self-doubts in my professional writing life.
I went into my first week with an open mind and heart. I knew I wanted real change, and to really get the most out of the four-month-long journey that I was about to embark on, I had to be willing to change. Kim does not promise results because change is ultimately up to me. What she does offer is her presence in your journey. That is very empowering.
We live in a world where we want instant results, and I am not different in wanting things to happen fast or to look into the future to see if things will get better. I sometimes live in the past because it is secure there, but does it really get you or me anywhere? The answer is no. It was important this first week to understand that trusting the process, that I can’t figure out all my problems in one week, was vital for me to understand myself. At the best of times, I can be impatient with my life. I wanted above all else this first week to trust the life coaching process because four months can be life-changing.
I knew that my biggest obstacles were that my motivations were intrinsically based, that I struggled with the weight of self-doubt about my professional writing future and that I was not grieving. I was living in two places, almost exclusively in the past and the future. It was becoming my narrative, and I didn’t even know that it was happening. I had to learn that living in the present and letting go of things I can’t control would be challenging. I was ready for the challenge.
My first week was encouraging. I had so many questions, and my life does not happen in a vacuum. The module homework Kim gave me helped me shape my first week. I realized my engagement styles and how I kept staying in my current engagement style, which would look like me continuing to go down a very negative path, which allowed my doubts to control me. My path will be letting fo of the money side of my writing control me. When things are not going my way, my default is to overthink and overanalyze the event in real-time. It is counterproductive in living in the moment, that change is inventible, and letting go is so much easier. I hold on to things because I have this need for control, especially with my past.
I want to end this post with something that stuck with me throughout the last week since beginning this journey. Something that Kim challenged me on. Being mindful throughout my day and being present, allowing me to catch my thoughts. I am not obligated to engage in all the things around me. I learned that I had to understand that if I wanted to be always looking for the next big thing or project that would get me to the next goal, it would continue to affect me negatively. I have become so goal-oriented to the extreme. I know that I need goals in my life, but I can’t always live looking at the future but forget the present me. That is not always easy to do. I need to let go of the past. Conscious awareness is so important. I am my own person inside and out.
If you are looking for your own journey into lifestyle coaching that envokes change in your life, if you are stuck under a mental illness diagnosis and want relief from someone who has experience in the core of what causes suicide, please reach out to Kim Johnson, @ Groundsforclarity@gmail.com. You can find her at www.groundsforclarity.com
Hey all, this is gonna be my last Vlogcast, I, I realized, you know, my, my story never belonged to me. I’m done telling it. I’m ready to continue speaking and writing and spending all of my energy, investing all of my energy into the new story, the new true honest, heartfelt, joyful, fun, excited, passionate, creative me– the universe created me to be. One of the things I always say *laughs* and remind my the clients that I work with, the friends that I have, the family member, is I always teach best what I need most and right here this is it.
This is it.
Intention matters. Intention behind everything you do. I’m telling you now, that, what I’m about to tell you this is universal wisdom: it’s not mine, it just flowed into me. I’m gonna share. So, intention is everything. Whatever intention you have behind every single action you take is something you will need to sustain in the future.
If your intention behind something is to boost the way you feel about yourself because you feel guilty, because you feel like you are obligated, because you are doing it from an expectation placed on you…so you’re afraid what people will think if you don’t do it.
Intention matters. It doesn’t matter where you were born. It doesn’t matter where you grew up. It doesn’t matter where you currently live. It doesn’t matter if it’s between family members, friends, colleagues, partners, acquaintances, strangers.
It doesn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter if it’s between an instrument and you. It doesn’t matter if it’s your career, doesn’t matter if it’s your, if it’s, if it’s a passion, if it’s a project, a book… it doesn’t matter. Your relationship with everything is dramatically impacted by the intention you place behind the relationship. Telling you now, this is a hard pill to swallow, for me anyway, to swallow because I’ve lived, I’ve lived behind the ruse of obligation, I’ve lived behind the ruse of filial expectation, I’ve lived behind the ruse of, well, this is just how life is supposed to be…
Intention is everything.
You’re going to spend your whole life trying to catch up, trying to pick up the pieces, you’re going to keep experiencing heart ache after heartache, heartbreak after heartbreak… intention matters.
Set the intention behind everything you do. Are you, are you doing things to avoid something? Are you doing things to elope something? Are you doing things because of expectations? Obligations? Are you doing it because of,
“What will people think of me if I don’t?”
These are the kinds of things, these are things that will make your life flow more. I’m not saying your life will be easier but it will be better and this is one of the, I’m telling you, we teach best, what we need most and this is what I need most. This lesson. Go.
To stop trying to be in control all the time.
It’s one of the main things that agitates anxiety, depression, thoughts of not wanting to be alive anymore, is all of these stories we have and I’m done telling mine. It’s not mine anymore. Moving on. Learning to let go. To stop caring what people think. To shed everything in life… shedding everything in life that is fueled by expectation, obligation, good intentions… to boost my ego, is the ego, the ego.
It’s not worth it.
And…a key piece that clicked between here [I am pointing to my head in the video] and here [I am pointing to my heart in the video]… it’s not even about life being short. *Laughs* It’s not about life being precious. It’s not about being a good person. We are all connected and it’s a choice. Everything is a choice. It may not feel like it, but it is.
Make that conscious choice, the intention — to seriously emotionally, spiritually, mentally, psychologically detach from things that are killing you. A lot of the stuff that kills us, it crushes the spirit, it, it, it stifles the intuition and it really tamps down the soul.
So what… here’s a question for you:
In what area of your life, do you desperately, desperately just want to ebb and flow and not feel bad all the time and to relieve yourself of pressure, relieve yourself of obligation, retire from anxiety, move forward from depression… to embrace that those feelings of not wanting to be alive anymore. I mean how often has rejecting those feelings actually turned out in your favor.
There’s a lesson to be learned: what are you avoiding?
To wherever you are in the world, be it morning, afternoon or night, I believe in you and I know you can do this.
If you have any questions, comments, concerns or you want to connect and learn more about how you can move forward from all of these I’m here. Chilledcow.bandcamp.com Album: Relief Artist: Pandrezz Songs (in this order): 1. SnowFlakes 2. WhenSheCries 3. When She Sleeps
Follow me on the various Podcast platforms to support the creation of these episodes.
This will be my last Vlogcast and post on this blog. Afterwards, you can find Grounds For Clarity’s Thought Founder Kim Johnson here:
We teach you how to break your patterns, habits and behaviors in exchange for another chance at life.
We give you the self-confidence to say no and say yes in areas of your life you never imagined possible.
Sick and tired of being sick and tired?
Feel ready to move on?
We have a proven track record of success for holding people accountable to the emotional changes they wish to see in their life. Learn to build a life that respects you and you, it. Stop blaming your past experiences, your family, your health and start taking responsibility for what you say you want.
“I was talking to my housemate the other night, uh, that just came back, about how her and I we both suck at having fun. *laughs* Wouldn’t be the first time this thought has crossed my mind because honestly even to this day there are moments where I feel like I put so much thought into what I’m doing and by that I mean just thinking in general.
Thinking and thinking and thinking about things to do and often what determines things were fun, that’s very subjective, the things that I used to do for fun usually kind of check the box off and that kind of ties into some of the feedback I would get, uh, from anyone who’s anyone and really everyone is a mirror for things that I do so it has nothing to do with them, it has everything to do with me. I would be told, you know, “Calm down loosen up, wha, don’t take life so seriously.”
Those kinds of things and at the time and even now it’s a bit of a trigger for me because that doesn’t really offer a solution. That doesn’t really offer a step by step process and I understand why there isn’t because everyone has different things that resonate for them I guess my, my way of acknowledging this gap of, “Yes, I see your point versus you know it doesn’t change how I feel,” but I can change specifically my attitude, I can shift my point of view about things right looking at some mundane activity as something completely novel.
So, *sigh* I was talking to some people in a zoom chat just a couple minutes ago about what they do for fun when they catch themselves in deep spirals of thought and deep emotions and feelings like I find that so interesting to hear what different people do and I found that and I have done this too and I still catch myself doing it is rather than just sitting and actually listening to what those feelings are or sitting still and doing nothing else not cramming my time with the phone, reading books, coloring, watching TV, going outside, just nothing.
I know the programming in my brain that I’m, I think we all can really relate to is being conditioned to believe that we have to be producing something to feel different, we have to be productive to earn self-care time and one of the things that I try I have tried that’s different cuz I always advocate for my clients and my in the people I talk to and kindred Spirits, family members, you know, when you keep trying and doing the same thing over and over again and expect a different result nothing’s going to change and that’s just insanity.
So, rather than cramming my time, cause goodness knows I’ve tried cramming my time with activities without thinking about the intention behind it, it’s unsustainable in the long run. I just don’t feel great about it and putting, really thinking about the intention, am I doing this just to numb myself, am I doing this just to distract myself, am I doing this to avoid listening to my feelings. Um, it can be really counterproductive and in some situations it’s actually helpful to talk to the person involved and I can speak for myself and those that I’ve served and Kindred Spirits I’ve supported is that if there’s some kind of an emotional, mental, spiritual or even physical connection with someone and things aren’t going well, just talking to them about it, being honest, can really make all the difference! It frees up a lot of that energy, that fight of flight, trying to preserve, preserve one’s life.
I know that’s something that does come up in my work for myself too, when I coach others about, you know, what I learned in the coaching, coaching program I was a part of, they said we teach best what we need most and I can’t express self-advocacy more than I already do and also setting, and really clarifying if we’re doing things just to push and push and push and force an outcome and be and try to be in control of the situation.
A question: What is the biggest trigger for you and what are you willing to try that’s different to actually address the trigger…not cope with it, not move on from it, but address it? For me, uh, one of the biggest triggers is feeling obligated to be nice, feeling obligated to give and give and give of my time. I’ve been in the position of putting my time just ad libidum to everyone and that’s just not how that works for me anymore. So, would be interested in hearing or even if you don’t feel comfortable sharing, to really ask yourself that question and what you are willing to do to address the truth.”
Beginning 6/25, I am going to start practicing not saying, “I feel,” “I think,” and also, refrain from prefacing things with, “My..” Stay tuned.
Turns out that personally identifying and taking possession of feelings and our existence in general, closely identifying with labels as a way to define ourselves and make sense of who we are strengthens our ego which then increases our desire for more toxicity, negativity.
Become an observer of the pain and that is the first step beyond just surface level positivity and toward deeper emotions Eckhart says emanate from our natural state of connectedness with Being. These States of Being have no opposite, emanating from within, “Love, Joy, and peace.”
Keeping accountable to this step by publicly sharing my goal with you all. Who wants to join?
“*OOOOOO* Vlogcast 8, my intention with these vlogcasts is to share my human experience experiencing being human across the span of 365 vlogcasts, commitment, keeping myself accountable and telling my complete story and there are some blogcasts, vlogcasts that might come off a bit heavy sometimes I might be all over the place. I organically flow with what comes up. And today what’s coming up is really, I wanted to share, to share and build upon the former vlogcast when I pretty much am pouring my heart out about how hiring my second Life coach underscored what was the missing piece in my experience. Um, like why I felt lost if you will and was feeling like 5 steps forward 12 steps back whichever phrase like what I don’t know one step forward 3 steps back so that’s how I felt for, for many years and when I hired this and when I mean honestly when it started when I went through iPEC.
Let’s rewind to iPEC it stands for Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching and I joined about the tail end of, I think, the last quarter of 2018 and I graduated from iPEC, honestly, it’s been, actually, a year. Uh, 10 months of coaching and it was very, very eye-opening…there wasn’t a moment where I wasn’t being held accountable for the progress I, the healing really wasn’t even just progress was just healing, healing that I said I wanted that I’ve invested this money, energy into, “How can I break through this tug-of-war between my mind and my heart and my intuition? How can I, how can I connect them?”
And I did find some healing before coaching. I tried to build my confidence, my self confidence and doing more Art, um, really going into, uh, social justice movements or any kind of movements…this is one of the things I’ve gotten into: Porn Kills Love. I found avenues to build a community with people.
I would learn new languages, I would travel to other countries, prat– try to practice the language. I exercised. I got back into music. I tried these things and on the outside… it seemed like I was becoming of age but really I wasn’t emotionally healing as much as I had hoped. And when I got into iPEC, they really shed light on how I was setting myself back and I wasn’t setting myself up for that emotional and spiritual breakthroughs: healing. Al– some of the behaviors were like rationalizing.
I didn’t know how much lack of accountability with myself was happening, just with myself and with my family and friends. No one was really keeping me accountable to break that, um, habit of behavior of rationalizing. And I speak of it only from my perspective and my point of view. It wasn’t working for me anymore, it wasn’t serving me anymore. Rationalizing, you know I could spin a web of things…of me rationalizing now and because of who I’ve chosen to surround myself with and the accountability partners I found, they call me out on my crap. They call me out on my story when I’m rationalizing, when I’m talking myself away from doing something I said and I initially wanted to do.
So, that accountability piece…I didn’t understand just how much I was getting in my own way until I really put it to the test. So, if I said I wanted to become fluent in French and what steps would I need to take to get there: cool! I have the actual steps to take as far as materials I might need, um, language teachers that can help me but I for some reason, even though I’m not fluent, as something that holds me back and that’s, that.
Oh, you know, I need this to be in place and not to be in Play Store I need some I need to be in the country to learn, you know, all these little things that build up as a story and I rationalize myself out of studying even if it’s 5 minutes a day. So, that’s something that we didn’t really talk about in my household because the accountability looked like someone yelling at me and telling me what to do constantly being prompted, constantly being told what to do and that’s one of the things…
I actually talked to one of my kindred spirits today about about how come when we finish school and again only can speak for myself and maybe a portion and percentage of Americans, North Americans, we go through school, we complete school, maybe do some more school and then as far as externally we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing, like inside it feels like this ginormous tug of war, like this I would love to be doing more of this or I would love to be playing more music but I know that I need to make money and I need to do this and I have to make sure that I’m falling into this category as an adult and making sure that …. so is…. suffocation almost from having the emotional space to be accountable to the emotional healing we want?
How and this is something I kind of want to talk about to put things more into perspective is, I thought I was setting myself for, myself up for success emotionally by doing things and changing things outside of myself what helped me and I did mention this in a former vlogcast is, I was conditioned to believe that’s that voice that’s telling me I’m too weak, I’m not smart enough, I’m not strong enough, how dare you, who do you think you are? That Imposter syndrome that convincing me just play it safe, you’re good where you are,
I was taught to silence that voice. I was taught, um, just, just push through and then when I went through this coaching program, iPEC, as well as the second Life coach I hired really completely shattering that belief, it’s just a belief. In fact, when’s the last time you actually listened to the voice and loved it more, not less. I mean, a revolutionary concept, I’m like.. *pbbbbtt* yeah, *laughs* oh… you’re serious, yes and I stand by that, too. That’s what I do for my clients and and it’s taught me to be more patient and compassionate towards myself, too.
–That the voice is not the enemy… it’s the disconnect between me and the voice that’s really the thing that’s the wedge between us, the straw that broke the camel’s back. That’s where most of my tension and anxiety and frustration and even the sad moments which aren’t as strong as they used to be and really not that much present. Which is phenomenal.
I used to be one of those people that would lay in bed before I open my eyes but I’m awake, I just couldn’t. I used to be that person or I should say that’s the feeling that I used to get everyday. I was making plenty of money, didn’t like my job, didn’t want to be around the people at work, didn’t want to go to work, didn’t want to be at work, didn’t care about exercising, I didn’t care about eating, I didn’t care about anything.
So, reminding myself that that bully actually has provided me grit when it challenges me it sounds like it’s telling me I’m not good enough but really it’s scared to see me fail, it’s scared to see me get hurt it’s scared to see me cry, it’s scared to see me put myself out there. It’s tells me, you know, what will people think, um, people will think you’re just doing things for attention, people will think, um, you’re desperate. People will think you’re skill-less, you know, you don’t have any skill, what do you you think you’re doing?
No one cares about what you have to say, you’re not making lots of money anyway, why are you doing this? Do you really know what you’re doing? So, I still have that self-doubt and I have moments where I go,
“Maybe I’m not cut out for this.”
I pause. I look to that voice and I go,
“You have a compelling story. What you’re saying makes a lot of sense. I get it. If I go and I make this vlogcast and tell my story, put all my personal business out and air my dirty laundry. You’re right someone might be uncomfortable with that, someone might judge me and I appreciate your concern but I’m gonna take it from here.”
Instead of kicking it and screaming at it, silencing it and telling it to get out of my house. I now remind myself my new teaching which is that voice, that me deserves more love, not less. More love, not less. Six months doesn’t seem like a long time. It felt like longer. Catching myself mid activity, mid-sentence doing something that runs completely against the grain of what I signed up for…nevermind the financial investment but like, of course, I had a lot of skin in the game.
What do i want?
What am I doing I said I want and when I don’t feel how I want to feel am I abandoning my goals, am I abandoning my ambition, am I blowing off my dreams, am I procrastinating because I’m trying to have everything perfect first. Self-sabotage again and this all is happening in here. It’s almost like… *sigh* Life coaching is all about finding holes in logic, holes in that story you build in your head…holes in the feelings that come up that may be really tricky. The feelings come up and you know this is how I’m feeling. Perhaps. Let’s dig deeper.
What will happen if you procrastinate, if you rationalize, if you abandon what you set out to do because of the fear? A fear becomes more in charge and more powerful with every time that we stubbornly refuse to change. I had a really good story and I felt like trash. I share my story not because I want you to change. I share my story not because I think there’s anything wrong with you.
I share my story to simply shed light on the fact that we have such capability to step into our fullest, most true version of ourselves and at the slightest, slightest pin prick of resistance from the world.
*Uuuuuppp!* Nope, mm , mmmmm, mmm, mm. Nope! Don’t want it. I change my mind.
When we say we want something usually we just think of the stuff that goes well and the things that are sparkly and new and it just, is so positive. I don’t know. Perhaps I’m generalizing on to all of you in which case, that’s me, doing that. I know for me I’ve noticed patterns where I say I want something, like I want to play the Ukulele. What I, when I say that, what I think of and that makes me smile. What brings a smile to my face is like busting it out, wherever, with whomever in public, private, whatever and just strumming just *wooohooOO* easy
I didn’t ask for the work. *laughs* I didn’t ask to have to go on for hours a day to go on Google to find the chords, to write them down and memorize it. I didn’t think about any of that when I said I want to play Ukulele. I just thought about the end result. So again, it kind of ties into another Vlogcast of chasing the feeling. So I thought to myself,
“I want to, I would have my own business.”
What I thought about was the end product, like making 6 to 7 figures a year, um, working with people and and getting goose bumps on my skin for the connectiveness I feel in purpose on this planet that’s what I thought of when I said I want my own business and also working for myself.
Wow! There’s a lot of stuff, a part of my business, that I didn’t even think about that’s, it’s stress! But it’s like a different kind of stress.
When you say you want to do something and you are all in and you embrace the good, the bad, the ugly, the hard, medium, the simple parts of it and when things go really well and when things kind of are halfway there and when things don’t go well at all it’s all of it compared to the other jobs I have: part-time as an instructor, part-time as a substitute teacher, part-time as a suicide first aid instructor and then having my own business.
I would say that the amount of stress I endure and work through when it comes to building my business is astronomically, volume-wise, way more than the amount of stress I get from these other three activities that I do as a source of income. It’s actually more painful to endure the volume over here, the less stress, than business. I do these things, kind of as a means to an end, to compliment my experiences here in my business.
I also have these jobs because I feel like I have more to learn as far as my temperament, my attitude– I want to be held accountable and having these different outlooks keeps me accountable to my own attitude. Cuz there’s a lot of things that go sideways with these three things and it stresses me out. When it comes to my business, I can build that, I can build around when I genuinely want to rest but these, I don’t really have that Liberty to rest when I please. So there’s disadvantages and advantages to both but the thing that I’m trying, I’m trying to illustrate here is that accountability piece to doing things we say we want the reason why I feel the reason why and I believe, universally, the reason why people give up on things they say they want is because they don’t realize that it’s the whole: all of it, you experience all of the feeling, the emotions, the fear of missing out, the denial, what else could I be doing with my time, money, blah blah blah. In denial, you doubt why you even started getting into this, you question: should I be? Should I really be sitting on my you-know-what and coloring all day long? Should I really be creating this Vlogcast? Do I know what I’m talking about?
Keeping oneself accountable for the things we say we want, can be something easy to avoid when we rationalize our way out of it and that’s one of those habits that I have found was really setting myself up for emotional failure.
Not following through. Not putting things in my calendar or telling people what I’m doing when I tell people what I’m doing, that’s what my way of staying emotionally accountable to something I said I wanted to do.
How might a current experience… serve you if you gave that voice in your head more love not less and proceeded to do what you said you wanted to do anyway?
I visited some of your blogs, the people that have liked and engaged these vlogcasts.
You are some phenomenal human beings. I have not visited everyone’s. Something about what I say, how I say it, is resonating with you and I hope that in your journey, no matter how small you think something is that you want to do…it’s planted in you for a reason. If you feel called to it with this question and call to action. The call to action really is the cherry on top of all vlogcasts. It’s not just a blog post. I’m not just here to just blah blah blah hear myself talk. I’m here because I want to share a tool that serves me, well *laughs* many tools asking empowering questions: find that answer within to keep you accountable for the next, for the next 358 days I’m happy to be that accountability partner for you if there’s something you say you want to do, put it in the comments and I’ll bother you *laughs* I will bother you, personally bother you to see to it that you’re doing what you’re, what you said you wanted to do.
Hey, join me in this 365 day challenge, it doesn’t have to be a vlogcast but what’s something *laughs* I’m asking you another question, I’ll ask anyway..
What’s something you do you say you want to do that you haven’t done that you could see yourself completing in the next 358 days. Yes, I have a lead on you. What’s something you say you want to do that you haven’t done yet that you see yourself completing in the next 358 days?
Put in the comments and let’s see how many other people are in the same boat you are that say they want to do something they haven’t. They’re procrastinating, maybe fear of missing out, like, oh I could be doing better with my time, maybe it’s a rat race, who knows? If you want to learn an instrument again, if you want to read that book that’s been staring at you on that shelf, if you want to go do community service, if you want to find another source of income, if you want to heal from a traumatic event and look into ways to heal that you’ve never looked into before, put it in the comments, see what happens, see maybe you’ll find an accountability partner in the comments below.
Thank you so much for watching and commenting, engaging and being present in your life. Uh, please have and make it the kind of morning, afternoon and evening that you want.”
Vlogcast seven, for the longest time and I feel it’s evident in my vlogcasts previous to this: vlog cast 1 through Vlogcast 6, I have a very heavy tone, I have, I’m very monotone and just recollecting those events I can safely recollect those events because I am actively working through all of that and unpacking all the time and leaning into every single every single trigger I get because I’ve learned how to rewire my brain.
I knew and I was aware that that was a possibility but back then when I was so enmeshed in that heaviness, so shrouded in it, it’s like, it’s like when I don’t know how many of you swim or have been in the ocean but you can you can go really deep and back then I felt like I was really, really deep to the point where it, I almost couldn’t tell which way was up if it weren’t for me just you know letting my body float but it, I just, I couldn’t hold my breath and get up there so I felt like it wasn’t a possibility to be happy.
I was so bogged down I felt like the universe was on my shoulders like I need to help take care of this person, I need to help my family, I need to make sure my grades are well – good- I need to, I need to make sure that I’m taking care of myself and doing things I enjoy, eat foods that make me happy, like it was very checklist e and text bookie and I didn’t know what I was doing and when I over the past couple years when I when I was resisting that I was on that teeter-totter point of resisting that concept that I could be happy and in spite of feeling this way but I can still love and be loved and, and you know just talking about that I want to cry.
Even if I had my Kim 3.0 that’s how I refer to myself now, Kim 3.0, I still have 1.0 and 2.0 inside me anytime. I see 1.0 and 2.0 and even sometimes have mine triggered I remember that at that time I didn’t feel like it was possible to be happy, I didn’t feel like I was worth it to be happy, I didn’t feel like I could smile and have a good time even when I felt like, in the dumps deep in the bowels of the ocean.
I didn’t, it didn’t feel like a possibility and over time, I started to recognize the kinds of energy I was attracting and I said I kept asking myself you know, how come I’m always feeling down, how come the conversations I have are really heavy all the time, is it me, is it, is it me and it wasn’t like, “Oh, it’s my fault. It’s my fault. It wasn’t anger anymore I felt…melancholy, like ah, it’s my fault and I shifted that to realize it clicked for me when I started getting into coaching and raising my awareness to just because I feel a way doesn’t mean I am a way.
That’s when I started to realize oh my goodness this whole time I’ve been setting myself up for minimal, I don’t want to say success but I’m going to say success I was not setting myself up for emotional success and success to me was healing. It’s so, *laughs out loud* I had been so convinced that because I was checking all these boxes off that I was doing pretty well but really I didn’t have the tools to keep myself accountable for the emotional healing that I said I wanted so when I joined, um, when I hired my second Life coach I want to say about September of 2019, I’m already losing track of the years here.
2019 I signed on for a 6 month contract to receive the coaching of a life time. *deeply exhaled and pronounced haaah* every single week it was either I felt depressed or anxious or both. Depressed, anxious or both and it would get to this climax of a breaking point. I was putting a lot of effort we met two times a week and I’m talking about several hours. I couldn’t hide. There’s a difference between couldn’t and wouldn’t. I could have flaked. I could have said yeah I don’t feel well. I had money I had invested so much money out of pocket more than I’ve ever invested in myself ever in my life.
I invested this energy, this money, this energy into something that I believed would help me stay accountable to the emotional healing I wanted. I got I think maybe two or three times I vocalized to the coach I really I feel like I need to quit. I need to leave. I need to drop out. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore and she said, “Look, this kind of breakthrough you wanting… takes effort, conscious effort and you’re doing it firing on all gears right now and to be quite frankly, to be quite frank with you this is the worst time and quitting is the last thing that should be on your mind.” And you know I, I have wept when she said that she could have bought into my story like,
“Oh, yeah it’s really hard isn’t it. No, just it’s okay if you need to leave.”
I can’t like my eyes are getting moist just thinking about that moment it felt like just yesterday I was in a job again back to a part-time job that I hated it and I felt like my self-esteem was in the poop again I was still at home, um, feeling really a degraded sense of self-worth and I was going into debt for this program that I felt like I was this tiny little Krill in this ocean of a vast ocean of other whales: my peers.
I mean I didn’t at the time I didn’t compare myself but now that I see it you know we had our respective projects and journeys and all of that was unraveling in Facebook and for me I feel like,
“Who do you think you are right now? You really think you’re capable of doing this? You’ve never been good in school… you’ve never gotten the grades that were expected of you and look at you you’re not even using your degree?”
So, I felt really completely, completely lost again and I used to think it was this Pie in the Sky *ooooooo* idea of rewiring the brain to, to hack it into focusing on half-glass, glass half-full all the time. I was one of those people that was like *pbbbtt* you know good moments will end eventually so I never enjoyed anything. It wasn’t until probably the last year or so that I started to actually enjoy things again. It was a journey. Lots of crying, lots of relationships, healing, you know in their respective ways. I just… I was one of those that would get so triggered if someone suggested to do something to lift my spirits when someone tried to cheer me up I was very resentful, bitter and aggressive, combative, defensive and it, don’t get me wrong here, I don’t have regrets I do, well, I have no no I don’t have regrets. I am I’m not happy that people got hurt through my healing. I’m not saying that I condone the behavior I had: lashing out, pushing people away, cutting people off, flaking, not responding to people bullying my family, bullying myself. I don’t condone that but to those of you if you know you watch it now or later to those of you that are patient with me and allow me to go through my healing process I appreciate you. It’s been so hard for me to own my healing process. I know I’m not perfect at all and I know there’s no such thing as perfect and for anyone watching: I want you to know that there are really, there are really no right or wrong answers and healing looks different for every single person. I feel you. You’re scared to take that step. You’re scared to improve the situation in your life but I’m telling you even every action has a consequence be it positive or negative and it’s up to you to take that leap of faith and trust that there are no victims, no one is a victim in this world at all.
You’re stronger than you believe and in that process people will get hurt. Pain will happen and it’s inevitable I’m telling you that now. I’ve fought tooth-and-nail to resist the temptation to walk away from relationships, many over the past 10 years. It’s been a battle of my self-worth against people’s love for me and it’s been so touching what saying just thank you for those of you that have trouble accepting a compliment.
Even like today a guy slowed down while he was bicycling and said, “Have a great day.” He kept staring at me and then he said, “You are beautiful.” And you know in the past I would have said you know which finger [in the video I pretend to put up my middle finger], and been very aggressive but I said… I stopped my bike and I turned I said, “You too.”
We’re, we’re so resistant to this concept that we deserve more, that we are actually are bullying our self and that’s something that, um, one of the fellow bloggers put on my last broadcast is that we bully ourselves and we don’t even realize we’re doing it. And I learned in my coaching when you determine that you are your biggest bully you know what you do? You stop, you sit with your bully and you listen to what it’s saying to you? Embrace those pieces of you that interfere: an inner demon, whichever words you want to call it.
I am going to take an intuitive guess that that voice, that bully is one you are taught to silence: how well is that working out for you?
I help my clients, I help my Kindred Spirits get breakthroughs. People that have been through therapy and counseling and talked, talked and talked to people and falls on deaf ears, it’s not easy especially when you have expectations for people to want to hear you, to see you having expectation hurts so much and that’s how I lived for the past 10 years almost 10 years of my life, I had these expectations for people to see me in expectation to be heard, an expectation that people will care. You know what happens when you have expectations, you’re setting yourself up to get disappointed.
That was probably the hardest lesson for me to embrace. So, it is a part of a pretty brief Vlogcast in, um, it took a lot of conscious effort, it took a lot of being responsible for my feelings cause saying sorry for hurting someone, saying sorry for hurting someone’s feelings, it’s squishing what you’ve done. It’s completely undermining any effort you’re putting in for yourself.
I have a suggestion this time not a question. Well, I guess it is kind of a question: how do you feel about being 110% honest with someone that triggers and pushes every button you have and tell them full force how you feel when you two have had that conversation? Write it down. Maybe you don’t even have to send it to them. Own your feelings and don’t apologize. How do you feel about doing something like that? Try it. It’s, it’s most powerful healing when you do a face-to-face as much as you can. It’s so powerful and I was blown away by the kind of feedback I got from my parents particularly my parents from my brother.
It’s probably, probably, is probably the most challenging conversations I’ve ever had in my life is with my parents and my brother because I don’t feel, um, back then I didn’t feel like I had any right to speak my mind and now that I have I’ve loved my family all the more. It’s so fascinating how much of that, how much of that baggage was mine and not theirs and I was taking it out on them.
So, I’m here pouring my heart out to you, you know, don’t wait to be friends with your bully. Bullying your bully is not gonna work, it’s just not gonna work.
If any of you have any questions or you want some feedback and support, um, my website is grounds for clarity. groundsforclarity.comWe do offer extensive coaching Services, one-on-one [or] in a group where, you know, we work with *laughs* you and this, it’s going to take a lot of effort, conscious effort and accountability.
And, please consider my suggestion. It doesn’t matter where you are in the world, doesn’t matter how you grew up, your culture: this is for you. For you: not for the relationship, not for the other person — it’s for you. Put yourself first, try, I dare you.”
The suggestion I refer to in the aforementioned paragraph is the being 110% honest about your feelings toward someone, and NOT apologizing, no matter the external outcome. You are on a journey to own your feelings because it is a matter of life, or death. Truly. If we aren’t growing, then we are dying.
Rooting you on every step of the way,
Thought Founder of Grounds For Clarity, LLC
This is Vlogcast six. One of the major things I wanted to share revolves around what most artists, performers, people that are book authors, they share their personal experience and some of those completely shifted the way that they showed up in their life. And I know I mentioned in a former vlogcast that life is an experience, um, one of the things that popped up for me thinking about what I wanted to talk about or what what am I supposed to talk about is that that Paradigm I had so recently broken out of was that the world is designed to be fixed, it’s not there’s no fixing it’s impossible it’s not designed that way we’re all connected to each other everything that happens in the world is connected to each other nothing exists independent of another incident in the entire world.
So for us to believe that we can fix something is madness. Complete madness and that lesson, the series of lessons that would unravel happened after series of what some may view As A Series of Unfortunate Events: divorce. Not me but my parents.
The first divorce I experienced was 2008 and then two more divorces around 2012 ah, no it wasn’t 2012. I want to say about 2014 2014-2015 wow the years are really flying by I think my math is failing me here but about 4 for about 4 years ago is when my parents got divorced a second time and I choose those particular events again I shared in a vlogcast before I’m very perceptive to shifts and changes energetically, attitude-wise and behaviorally in my personal and closest relationships and those are with my family members and I found that the way for me at the time that worked was to really immerse into and lean into what’s happening,
Why what has brought this feeling up? So, instead of making it personal, about me, taking offense, getting mad, lashing out yes I still did those things but then after you know I’d I pause and I really opened my mind to experience saying that in a completely different way. I’m open to experiencing this and in a different way what, what kinds of things can I do and say and ask myself and really it was, how it must be for them experiencing this experience from their side, from, from their vantage point, from their life experience and trying to really get to the core message that came up for them that had nothing to do with me and nothing to do with them it just was something.
This something, I mean, I have the terminology now and it’s ego. So, how I responded when things didn’t go well, it was very stressful for me because I took it personally even though I took the steps to emotionally detach from the situation. Lots of tears shed, lots of frowns, lots of, um, abusing self care as a way to cope with not dealing with feelings or experiencing, really experiencing feelings and now when I interact with family, close kindred spirits, friends whatever word you want to use co-workers, it’s really not about taking things personal, we are put on this Earth, to experience one another, to experience with around us to tap into different levels of awareness so we can experience things in a completely different way.
Um, my experience with divorce is going to be different from someone else’s because we were at different levels of our awareness at different times and that’s really all it’s about it’s not about oh you’re handling the situation the wrong way, you should be doing this or that’s not healthy or this or that like I’ve heard it all. All the criticisms, all the judgments that could be happening that’s really a projection of the other people’s insecurities onto me about how I should be handling the situation, how what I’m doing is wrong.
It took a lot and heapfuls and heapfulls of moments for me to finally let my anger out and express how disgusted I was with constantly telling, being told and feeling like I could be doing something better or I could have changed my attitude there or I could have smiled more or I could have dealt with that in a healthier manner how about I just am. And if you have a problem with that, that’s probably your shit, not mine. Let’s repeat that again…how about it’s not me that has the problem, I have nothing broken about me and I don’t need to be fixed if you have a problem with how I’m navigating this experience that’s your shit not mine and we tend to, I experienced this too where I didn’t put that for lack of a better word boundary up to say no this is my experience, I’m going to experience it the way that feels right to me and I’m going to choose because there’s something here that’s reflecting something within myself that is meant to be experienced in a whole new way.
Nothing personal truly nothing personal at all. Had this conversation so many times with other people it’s nothing personal, truly that’s not a cop out, truly, is nothing personal. I am just another human being being human just like you and if I want to tap into and if I feel called to or drawn to or something about the situation is expressing this different level of awareness I’m going to go with it because why, because my intuition is guiding me in that direction. When I stopped trying to control the situation, when I stopped trying to micromanage feelings, when I stopped apologizing, when I stopped rationalizing and just let go of trying to be in control all the time, things got a lot less personal, really quick. But it took years of me bashing my head against the wall to finally get it: there are no right or wrong answers. At all! And to, obviously that’s going to be interpreted in a slew of different ways.
The point is, anytime we get triggered by something, anytime I got triggered by something let’s put this back on me, anytime I got triggered by something, anytime I get triggered by something I distance myself emotionally from that and I go, “Huh, that’s really interesting. Just because I feel a certain way it doesn’t mean I am that way. If I feel like an asshole, doesn’t mean I am an asshole. If I feel like I’m being a bitch, it doesn’t mean I am a bitch. If I feel like I’m being evasive, avoidant, if I feel like I’m backing out, it doesn’t mean that I’m weak. Just because I like doing multiple projects, just because I like having different sources of income, just because I like, it doesn’t mean that I’m this transcendent, sun shines out my ass, person. The only reason I bring this up is because these are observations that I make of myself and others bring to the table of me.
What is so…this is a lot easier said than done and it looks different for everyone, of putting your foot down, declaring that you’re not the world’s doormat anymore and being open to experiencing an experience, experiencing an A-N, experience in a whole new way. Because maybe you’re tired of experiencing life in this way and you want to experience it a different way. I think that’s amazing. That is awesome. You’re tired of feeling like shit, if you’re tired of pretending to be happy all the time or maybe you are happy all the time and you want to experience some deep, melancholic stories.
There are, there so many people on this planet, we could experience something without personally, physically, you know, like I said we’re all connected, experiencing it for ourself. Being open to receiving that maybe someone else’s experience is going to directly challenge yours and what you held to be true and what you held to believe was, was fact or what you held onto so strongly as a basis of making sense of who you are. I think most of us don’t know who we are and that’s okay. What’s so wrong with that.
I tell this to my Kindred Spirits all the time: you don’t owe me anything. I don’t expect anything of you. Makes no sense the way you were five minutes ago is not the way I anticipate you being the, in the next five minutes or for the way you were five years and you wake up and one day you decide that’s just not who you are, that’s fine. That’s phenomenal. And trying to make sense of everything, trying to put everything in its cubby-hole, trying to you know go slow to go fast, there are moments for that there, I mean there’s so many different turns of the phrases, words, phenomena, labels, titles, um, you can read piles and piles of books all day long, there’s so much information out there that teaches us how to experience things in different ways but instead of just going out there and experiencing it we’re literally just sitting and experiencing.
I inadvertently limited myself by falling into this, this trap that I have to make sense to everyone, that everything I do has to make sense to people I work with. Having to fulfill all these expectations of what people have of me and feeling obligated to respond, obligated to be in someone’s life, obligated, obligated. Expectation … *deep exhaled sigh* it’s enough to make someone’s head explode. I know that’s how I felt until recognizing that nothing belongs to me even though I feel a certain way doesn’t mean I am. And as an entity all my own… there’s no, there’s no connection– forced, expressed or implied with anyone or anything. It’s always a choice. That’s something when I get in an ego State of Mind– you know: victim, angry, rationalizing or putting others before myself –when I catch myself in those states of mind I go, “Okay, is it a choice? Is this where I want to be? Is this how I want to feel? And is it actually who I am?”
So just raising my awareness, asking myself those empowering questions of, yeah it kind of hurts and it kind of doesn’t have to hurt. It’s about experiencing and shifting our relationship with those negative feelings has been a journey. I just had a zoom call yesterday with our Community Mental Health folx and one of the things I talked about was toxic positivity. It’s when you are bombarded with information wherever you may be predominantly social media though, where you see everyone’s feed saturated with positive things– it’s not really representative of the whole– and it also subliminally can send this message of, “You’re not supposed to be negative, that’s not how, that, that’s not normal, you shouldn’t be…” But over time what I experienced anyway from that toxic positivity was a denial and a suppression, avoidance of anything negative.. so that whole, “I’m fine.” It’s gonna come come bite you in the ass eventually. It sure bit me in the ass.
So, one of the things that I’m actively doing and constantly actively doing is just checking in with myself, you know, how to, what’s triggering and what’s coming up and recognizing that there’s advantages and disadvantages to every point of view the rationalizing part of it so just being candid, open and honest. That being human is something that we constantly will experience and it will not stop. The self-doubt, will not stop, the fear of what people will think of you will not stop, feeling not good enough will not stop having that message there will not stop but what can stop is letting it be in control. It doesn’t have to be in control.
Question: in what area of your life could your experience expand if you were to be more emotionally detached? So, in what area of your life could be experienced differently if you practiced detached involvement? In what area of your life could you experience things differently if you practiced more detached involvement? So, detached involvement just is basically experiencing everything in the moment and then taking yourself out of the story and really looking at it and it in an objective way That’s a tool that helps me all the time and I spend less time stumbling around on my face. I think that’s something all of us would like to experience a little bit more: just less self-doubt, less fear or less shrinking and less, uh. diminishing ourselves. Have a, you know make your morning your afternoon and evening whatever way you want it to be.”
Playing it small in life, holding ourselves back, hiding, downplaying our true selves, is unsustainable in the run. I tried it. It doesn’t feel spectacular and it permeates through every aspect of your life. Do you hear it in my voice? I was all over the place! So what?! Tell your story! 🙂 I believe in you.
“Vlog 5, in the last Vlog Vlog 4, I had spoke about my personal experience as a human experiencing being human, um, when I realized there are five things I could be doing in any given situation, you know story aside, personal experiences aside, personal beliefs aside, personal convictions aside, 5 options: I could stay in the situation hope for it to change, I could change something about the situation, I could I could leave the situation I could accept the situation or I could change how I perceive the situation and for the longest time one of the one of the most challenging situations, always, for me are relationships with any person, it doesn’t necessarily, it’s not even restricted to romantic, a romantic kind of a relationship, um, it’s been a journey with my, um, I’m going to speak of my relationship with my parents, for example.
I didn’t know until I knew… that I can actually still care what my parents think, particularly with my mom. My relationship with her has improved ever since I started doing this, which is understanding that, even though I care what she thinks of me, even though I would love to have that external validation from her for everything I do in my business, in my life, in my job, in my in my social life as well as personal life, getting that external validation would feel amazing, don’t get me wrong but really, when I stopped trying to get it, I still cared what she thought about me. I still care to this moment, to this very moment I care what she thinks about what I do. I’ve learned from myself when it comes to my situation in question which is in my, in my relationship with my mom, I realized the one– what I wanted to do was to maintain the relationship and spend time with her still.
So leaving the situation is not what, what resonates with me. Um, sitting there and just hoping things to improve definitely was not the option for me either so that’s two down so three more. Um, I could accept the way the situation was mmm I wasn’t really happy with that either. Basically tension and arguing and debating and all of that trying to point fingers and this and that didn’t resonate with me either so there were two options left… I think change the situation which I tried many, many, many times…doesn’t change the relationship dynamic for me anyway.
So the last thing left was to change how I perceived the situation. It was a huge game-changer for me. I’m like, I enjoy my time with her. Yes we still have our differences but I change the way I I look at the relationship, I change the way I perceive.. you know I am even aware, I’ve become aware of the perceptions I have and I go, “Wow… that’s interesting that I thought that, that I felt this way and I got triggered here and just understanding that it’s not her it’s not me it’s just this is how this is what’s happening so kind of looking above the situation and I found that when I replicate that with everything, I can break my own rulebooks every single moment of every single day.
I always tell the Kindred Spirits in my life, Kindred Souls that I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t expect you to accommodate me. I don’t expect you to stop what you’re doing. I don’t expect you to scratch my back just because I was there–you don’t owe me anything there’s no binding to me, there’s no expectation that I have, the only expectation I’ve ever had on anyone, and that’s something that I determined for myself, is for people to do what they want to do. Anyway, I digress.
The main thing I wanted to share about my experience over the past… I mean through my twenties pretty much. For those of you that are just hopping on this Vlog train of my personal experience as being a human, my human experience, experiencing being human, feeling the feels. Um, I’m 30 years old. All through my twenties is really when I came to the self-realization and self awareness of just how strong my ego was in my life and essentially what that means is victimizing myself, I’m getting angry at people, I’m blaming the world, I’m feeling very strongly about how my beliefs, and my truths and really foisting that upon other people to achieve my agenda and it was a lot of, “I, me, I, me,” um, and then rationalizing.
I was explaining in a couple podcasts blogcast, vlogcasts ago, that, um, I was addicted to negativity. I’m recovering from being an addict, addict of negativity, actually and then level 4, I’m I’m referencing this tool that I use for my coaching business — it’s called the Energy Leadership Index Assessment— and basically levels 1 through 4: victim, anger, rationalizing and, um, compassion. So, there’s a lot of burnout that I was experiencing and a lot of that came from I care what people think, I don’t want to offend anyone, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, I don’t want to make someone feel uncomfortable, I don’t want… it was all about minimizing myself and when I didn’t get the validation and permission from outside of myself to be who I was trying really hard to be, even then I didn’t know what I was, I knew what I wasn’t. I knew what I was because I knew what I wasn’t and even though I wanted to, to improve my experience as a person, the more I, I actually found the more I stood and tried to fill space and take up space and go, “Enough is not enough for me anymore.”
I don’t want to play it small anymore, I don’t want to… I don’t want to be angry anymore, I don’t want to foist my feelings, and opinions and truth and beliefs on other people and I don’t want to keep criticizing others, I don’t want to keep casting judgement on others, I don’t want to keep jumping to conclusions of how people are, just to boost my ego and I did that in my relationship with my mom!
And it only recently came to my realization, came to my awareness that I was doing that, I was doing that but then you know, leaning into that like why is her validation so important to me because I care, I care what she thinks about me and I mean for me I’ve come to the conclusion that of course I care what people think about me but I’m not going to let, I’m not going to shrink and minimize myself and and just keep catering to everyone and everything to make sure everyone’s safe, everyone’s comfortable, everyone’s got what they need and then now I can take my step.
Like, that’s just not how I want to exist…of course it’s a situational thing I’m not saying that just, WHOA, just keep stepping and not paying any mind but the thing is and what I shared in a previous Vlogcast is that just because you do something, say something, act a certain way and someone gets hurt, someone feels left out and I’m specifically talking about those of you, just like me — Kim 1.0 or even Kim 2.0 I consider myself Kim 3.0 right now, um, you keep copping out, I copped out all the time I’ll be like, “Oh you know, I can, you know I did this to someone oh I … something so I can’t I’m not supposed to, people said I’m not smart enough. the little voice in your head, the little voice in my head, I don’t know about you, I can’t speak for you, but for myself a little voice in my head kept telling me, “You are not enough to improve your experience, you are not smart enough, you have no business doing this, who do you think you are? You are hurting other people this, that, this, that.”
Pain is inevitable, hurting someone’s feelings is inevitable. We are not psychic, we can try to be empathetic, we can try to pick up, we can try to pick up and be sensitive to these things but I have been there for almost all of my entire life putting everyone before myself and when I look at it in a different way and I changed my relationship with my love, “Am I really loving or am I doing this to make myself feel better? It’s really a sense of accomplishment, that sense of purpose, that feeling you get from doing something, is what we chase. It’s the feeling, it’s not the actual deed. It’s the feeling.
So, what if, this is something that I, I gradually started shifting my mindset with and attitude when I realized that I was just sabotaging myself, pushing people away, lashing out and when I was fooling myself and brainwashing myself into believing and I was improving a situation when really I was just on this hamster wheel of self-destruction. Getting in my own way, shrinking, staying small, playing it safe, let me tell you, a lot of stuff came up when I was building my business, a lot of stuff that I thought I had progressed past, really, I was just hiding.
I had this conversation with a big brother from another mother last night about hiding in success. The moment we think we finally work some, through something, something else will come up that’s potentially even more challenging than the last feat. Having control of a situation is an illusion. Figuring yourself out is an illusion. We’re not even this, I’m not even the same person I was 15 seconds ago. It’s, it’s, I’m not, I just am. I just am.
I mean I have my moments where I catch myself and I go, “Wow, what brought me to do that? Is it some insecurity? Was it me seeking validation outside of myself? Is it making me feel good? Am I doing this to make myself feel good? So, really paying attention to, raising my awareness to how I’m showing up and that’s usually the energy I attract. I came to that realization probably just before I started working for Amazon and that was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was so angry and no matter what I did at Amazon: threw a fit, shut down, lashed out at people, push people away, was really, really, really rude…it didn’t matter. The only person really suffering the most was myself.
Goes back to the theme of the last question in the last vlogcast of, you know, you’re fooling yourself, we fool ourselves into thinking that things will improve eventually. It’s not going to improve if you don’t change what your approaches or your method. You’re just going to, it’s just gonna stay, um, until we can relinquish ownership of feelings, relinquish ownership of memories, relinquish ownership of everything, that’s when we start to take things less personal, we start to and I, honestly, when catch myself, um, you know the ‘I, me’ debacle when I catch myself doing that, I truly pause and I go okay look my human side, it’s ego, it’s not even me it’s just ego. That’s it, just ego. There’s nothing wrong with that either and really loving unto that, that aspect of a human experience, taking things personal. Um, it helps to gain clarity about what is it that I that I feel uncomfortable with?
What is it that I’m doing? Self-sabotaging. What is between me and enjoying someone’s company, what is in between me and doing something new? What is in between me and not making another vlogcast? Is it about me? Who is it about? Is it about the ego? My ego? Is it about boosting a reputation? Is it about getting views? Is it about, is it about, is it about… it’s all self-reflection. It’s all asking empowering questions. it’s all being receptive to different perspectives being open to different points of view, being cognizant that we don’t own… anything. maybe that sounds a little woosaww. But it took almost a decade of coming to realize my self-sabotage, to check myself and, and like I leveled with myself. I leveled with myself and I’m like, Kim …Kim. Do you really, really want to stay feeling this way? I’m like, of course not but I don’t know what else to do! If you don’t know and you catch yourself doing one of these four things: victimizing yourself. So, if you’re resisting these four things resisting [admitting to]: avoiding, ignoring, suppressing, denying…you’re self-sabotaging and you’re also brain washing yourself into being married to your ego. So you’re really not self-aware– you’re stuck..
Victimizing yourself: so being at the cause of everything, no responsibility, deflecting responsibility, blaming other people for how you feel, blaming other people for your how you are, experiencing being angry all the time, how you are feeling righteously right all the time and just getting stuff done, like really imposing your will on other people in in a retaliatory, combative, self-defensive way.
Rationalizing, if you catch yourself rationalizing all the time you pretty much are going to be the world’s doormat. That’s how that works and then when you’re level 4, you put everyone else before yourself. I think, I mean honestly staying in those four levels of ego, really still, really, really strong ego, it’s toxic — for self and potentially for other people.
So, the energy you put off is the energy, you get back, um, in any given moment and it’s a matter of do you want to choose the kind of energy you attract or just float around and be confused and stuff. For me I was tired and then I thought, “There’s got to be something more than pushing product all day long, taking orders from other people all day long and being around a bunch of people that hate their job, hate their lives and are just working themselves to death. So, I decided to take a calculated risk and and go where I felt I needed to be and that was meandering into [the] personal development realm and it was, it was and still is the most awakening, healing…experience and getting to re-experience what I went through for 10 years and even more and looking at that in a detached way and going in hindsight, “Wow, I was doing that or the ego was so strong and just looking at it from that point of view it makes complete sense why I felt and acted and behaved and was so lost for so long because I had convinced, I, I felt convinced that everything was okay… it was not okay, not for me.
Question: what area of your life have you settled into and bothers you a lot? I’m talking like you know how people say they have a pebble in their shoe? I’m talking about a couple pebbles in your shoe. So is there an area in your life, What area in your life are you settling right now… and it doesn’t feel good? The amount of, I mean what are the disadvantages and advantages to continuing. That Insanity? Just, just a question? What do you feel are the advantages and disadvantages to that one area in your life that doesn’t feel good to continue in that pattern? Just a question.
I want to plug a book. I don’t get royalties from this by the way. It’s a fellow colleague of mine, uh, her name is Shelby Forsythia. She has a podcast, um, let me mirror this so you can see it. Okay, so she has this book Permission to Grieve and she also has a free podcast called ‘Coming back: conversations on life after loss.’ And I’ll put the link below [here]. It, It, so the little tidbit on the front says, “Creating Grace, space and room to breathe in the aftermath of loss.” And loss can be anything not necessarily losing a loved one but loss of any kind. Graduating the reason why I share this book is because I think some of us need permission, a lot of us need permission outside of ourselves, to be the fullest and most true expression of who we are.
We care a lot about what other people think and trying to get permission and validation and affirmation, reassurance from outside ourselves can be a hindrance because we’re so consumed with what other people think and we’re scared and that is okay, completely normal. I guess what I want to do right now is to give you permission to grieve if you’re ready to grieve the loss of who you used to be. It’s only there as a way to say you want to improve the situation in your life. If you feel like there’s nothing to be improved, then I am, I’m happy for you, you are good. This, this vlogcast has nothing to do with you. This is for people that genuinely feel not good about continuing this cycle in a certain part of their life.
So, I’m giving you permission for those of you that are ready for that and if it’s you know that the advantages far outweigh the advantages of staying in that situation then what are you going to do, who do you know, who can you talk to that can that can get you out of that insanity? Um, My name is Kim Johnson, I’m a Mental Health Skills Lifestyle coach at Grounds For Clarity, LLC. You can find me at grounds for clarity.com
Thank you for tuning in wherever you are have… make, make your morning, your afternoon your evening the way you want it to be.”
This is vlog day 3 [technical difficulties with the video again, sorry]. “Thanks for tuning in again for hearing me out about my experience and just being human being coming to terms with the fact that I was a silly ass human being for most of my 20s and I can laugh about it now and I find that refreshing. Um..Here’s a picture of me when I was about 6 or 7 years old. I was that outdoorsy, head in a book, do chalk outside, rollerblade, bicycle kind of kid and I did very solitary activities. As a kid, we don’t judge ourselves for some things like that we don’t go, ‘Well, you know probably socialize a little bit and probably should get, you know, get out into the world and mingle with more people.’ You don’t have those kind of thoughts nor do we think what might be a disadvantage of developing that kind of a pattern, that lifestyle later on for when we’re older. I know I’ve heard time and time again, ‘Humans are social creatures.’ Well, yeah but that only works if everyone wants *laughs* to be social. So, Um..In my twenties, it was very textbook. Like, self-care was very textbook to me because I didn’t grow up with my parents weren’t like, ‘Alright, time to go do art now so we can express ourselves or let’s talk and have family time, play games together, go out into the community, do some community service, I didn’t grow up with religion as part of my life and community, not really. All my relatives were out of state for the most part: out of City, out-of-state, out of mind, out of country. So, when I graduated from college these thoughts bombarded me of, ‘Oh, I should be exercising, I should be taking care of my body now, I should be eating right, I should be finding a career based off of my degree. All of these shoulds started piling up and then in the meantime I’m one stroke away from having a mental breakdown about something that I didn’t even know existed which was my mental health which is part of my health. *laughs* So, for years, for years I was struggling just as a person. I didn’t know how to feel, I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know how to engage in a conversation where I could enrich someone’s day rather than bring it down. I struggled. And now I have this opportunity to reflect on those things. This is what this blog is about. It’s about reflecting on my experience as a human being. What is happening [got distracted by something else]. My experience as a human being. Has been, honestly a comedy. Like, a dark comedy. Can’t tell you how many times I got in my own fucking way. I really got in my own way more times than I can count… I’d probably be a trillionaire if that was my livelihood –getting in my own way. I mention cognitive dissonance in a former vlog and basically what that means is you have this paradigm, this belief that you’re just holding on with for dear life like, ‘This is, this is it, this is the truth, this is fact, this is what I believe in.’ If something comes up and challenges that belief, that conviction, that Paradigm…if something comes up and whether it’s through *laughs* what are the other.. if it comes up to you in the form of a book, if it comes up to you in the form of meeting, um, meeting another person that just views the world in a different way than you, it’s somehow automatically threatening and in order for your mindset to change or shift or you know open capacity to something more before you even can*snaps fingers* you instinctively, knee-jerk pull away, box-off, cut-off, block-off, you create a barrier between you and a completely different way of looking at a situation. That’s a low level of self-awareness. That’s what I experienced. I’m not trying to call anyone out but hey if it resonates with you, you might want to listen. A low level of self-awareness which is strong ego meaning me, me, me, I, I, I, the world is centralized around me and if I don’t feel good and if I’m not taking care of myself and it’s, I’m here because this is who I am and it’s everyone else’s fault the world, that’s literally the strong part of the ego and by strong that means that it is… how do you how do you say… a strong ego essentially means your point of, um, your ability to see things is very narrow. And again, not good or bad… there’s no judgment here. Truly, I mean it. All it is is that you see less. I mean naturally, if you believe that everything in the world is blue and that’s your belief, you’re pretty much going to pick out only blue things. If you’re single and you don’t like being single you’re going to pick out seeing couples everywhere. If you are… if you don’t like Twilight, sorry, if you don’t like Twilight you’re going to deliberately find Twilight things and just think that it’s the bigger more dominant force and that’s what came up a lot when I was going through my experience as a human being. Confirming. So there is confirmation bias too, when you see things around you it confirms when things unravel and go a certain way and you predicting this self-fulfilling prophecy, you pretty much proved yourself right because you filtered the world to fit your point-of-view.
This comes up a lot in my work as not, not just as a life coach but also in my raising awareness to suicide first aid, Suicide Prevention. What is suicide prevention? A lot of people have a lot of ideas of both things: what life coaching is and what is suicide first aid and suicide prevention is and they also have a lot of ideas about what energy leadership is which is pretty much self-awareness and all of these things are tools. I’m not coming in and saying I’m better than anyone. These are tools. Tools I wish I had 10 years ago. Tools I wish I could have shared with others 10 years ago and I just fixate on 10 because decade. That’s a lot of opportunity and a lot of cycles in life that you could have gone through. And that’s another thing that came up. Another thing that came up throughout my experience as a human being was obligation. Obligated to everyone and everything. Expectation. I felt a lot of expectation from everyone and everything to be someone I wasn’t, to do things I didn’t want to do to make a ripple effect where I just didn’t feel like I wanted to be. An obligation. Obligation to others’ ideas, obligation to others’ visions for the world, obligation to family, obligation to friends and just because we have done something in the past or were with someone in the past or perform this way at a job in the past, it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to be the same way now or in the future. So that’s something that I puzzled over and mulled over and ruminated over for a long time. Eventually all of it did diffuse my anger but then what came into play after that was rationalizing. I rationalized a lot of stuff going on. I tried to dig into my past to, to validate what was going on to reassure myself that I was doing everything I could. And that worked, until it didn’t. *laughs* Rationalizing is what addicts do. And I was addicted to negativity. Rationalizing keeps you complacent or content in a way where the situation is not improving. When you want to…let’s limit it to me.When I wanted to improve the situation, I felt resistance from everyone and everything. Me wanting to improve a situation for myself doesn’t mean I don’t care about other people, it doesn’t mean that I’m judging other people and it doesn’t mean that I’m rejecting another person’s way of life.. it just means I want to improve my situation. And I think a lot of us get stuck and I certainly did get stuck, from improving our situations because we feel obligated because we feel like all these expectations are something we need to check off and fill. Why? Where does that even come from? I know it came from society, upbringing, for me, that I would be a bad person or a failure or weak or careless, heartless, if I sought to improve my situations. It’s laughable now. It really is. We can’t control anyone’s expectations of us, anyone’s obligatory mindset of what we are supposed to be doing, should be doing, could be doing, ought to be doing. I was taking all of that on. I thought I was supposed to be doing those things, I thought I was supposed to be acquiescing to others’ demands and requests, expectations and obligations of me. And then I just I think after that then it then I fall back into and spiral back into victim mode…the strongest level of ego possible is blaming everyone and everything for where I was and what I was doing in my life. I share my story…in detail because I think ailments of the mind aren’t ailments. It’s an experience. We are experiencing our health, we are experiencing menta,l we are experiencing the world and when we experience the world a lot of that is something we can’t put our finger on and if we can’t put her finger on it, how on Earth are we supposed to maneuver our way in the direction that feels like the situation is improving. So, question… there are, in any situation there are five things you could be doing and this is something that I use all the time with my clients and with myself all the time. There’s five things you could be doing when something happens and as, not, and not as planned: you can do nothing and hope and wish the situation changes itself, Could try to change something in the situation, outside of you, you could change the way you view the situation, you can accept the situation, or you can leave the situation. So, it all depends on what you feel resonates with you in the moment. What of those 5 things can you do and if you haven’t tried one of those things, humour me here, maybe trying something different is just what the doctor ordered. I’m not a doctor, by the way. But I do encourage you to get your head out of your ass. No one’s going to do the work for you. What can you do differently? Shake things up. Disrupt your life. If you are refusing and resisting at every corner…from people outside of you or not trying anything new…nothing, nothing is going to change. Nothing’s going to improve, you’re going to stay stuck, just as I did.. fulfilling all these obligations that you didn’t ask for, striving every single day to meet expectations that were placed upon you and you didn’t ask for and you’re basically going to be a puppet to everyone and everything around you until you figure this out. What do you want? The conversation is going to keep popping up in every aspect of your life until until you face it. That’s what happened for me and that’s what happens for I, I fail to think of a human being that is, that is exempt from this experience in life, of responsibility or victim. You can take responsibility or you can be a victim. What is it going to be? And how are you going to be held accountable for something like that? I do have this phenomenal retreat where I take people that, that are really good at hiding. Just want all the pain to go away, all the overwhelming to stop, struggling to face the past, really challenged with how to let go of regret and guilt and burnout and loss and pain: addiction is real and if that’s something you wish to improve then you *laughs* you’re someone I definitely want to meet. There’s a retreat that I’m holding it’s at the end of this month: it is June 27th to the 28th. I believe… June 27th and 28th, where you will be around other people just like you, keeping you accountable to the improvements you want in your life. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to improve your life even if it means challenging who you once were and challenging the notion of you are who you are. I’m challenging you just as I wish someone had challenged me. Where would I be, if I had someone like me, with this notion, and guts, guts to say, ‘Who Do You Think You Are? Who makes.. how, how is it okay for you to be your own bully? Is that okay? No. Maybe it is. Again, it’s up to you to decide. Truly..”
“So, there’s vlog post 3 on its way to you, this one right here.
Uh, so the last question I asked was:
‘What is it gonna take for you to own and take responsibility for your past?’
That doesn’t mean it’s your fault. That doesn’t mean you screwed up. That doesn’t mean shame on you. What that means is understanding that the past happens…happened to have happened and you are, set before you…you have these cards at your disposal. They may not be the cards you want..when does…when has that ever happened? When we’re in this pit, this prison, that we built for ourselves, and the prison I built for myself was this illusion, this delusion that things would change for me. Just because I felt it was unfair. Just because I didn’t agree with literally everything. I was so argumentative, so resistant and extremely combative and what did I end up with…nothing.
An empty shell of who I was or who I thought I was…who others thought I was. No one’s going to do the work for you. Towards the end, I almost lost myself to myself.
I deliberately created this reality where I was the one that was always right. I was the only one that had any right to feel the way I did. And no one could tell me otherwise. Absolutely not! *laughs* That’s absurd! What do people know? There’s this sheer arrogance that cocooned me and insulated me from hearing what other people had to say. And one of those things was .. I .. I I. I actually realized my addiction to negativity.
My addiction and obsession with being right when things would go wrong. It’s the ultimate catastrophe.
I smile about it now because I’ve learned to laugh it off.
Placing blame didn’t work.For me. Trying to gain justice..for the trespasses I felt, didn’t work for me. Pitying myself didn’t work for me. Um… *laughs* Taking it out on other people, didn’t work for me. Refusing to embrace and to have the parents I have, didn’t work for me. Blaming my cultural mindset, growing up under a rock, not really struggling in life or experiencing tragedy was not enough of a story or an excuse, for me.
You see, we could go here all day. I could…I could’ve gone the rest of my life doing that but I just hit a breaking point where I…enough was enough. Or rather, enough was not enough anymore. At all.
I can’t explain to you how angry I was. But it was stuffed. Stuffed down! I suppressed it. *in a silly voice* ‘Well, that’s just how I am, that’s how I was taught..’
I know now that all I wanted…all I wanted…was to feel seen…feel heard…and I just wanted to fit in.
I wanted to be that happy person you see when you scroll through your social media.
I wanted to be that person that was “successful.”
I wanted to be that person that had healthy relationships.
I wanted so many things and I denied myself that not just through sabotaging myself and staying in that bubble of comfort and negativity, fueling that negativity. Seeking to tear others down.
I refused to look the “truth” in the eye, which was that I didn’t want to do the work.
I struggled with anxiety. I mean I handled many e-mails. I balanced my finances. I do everything related to my business. I’m a one woman army. I get *laughs* you know, you teleport yourself back 5, 6 years ago, I wouldn’t have believed you. Cause I struggled just to open one e-mail. I struggled just to look at the dollars in my bank account. I struggled just to decide what I wanted to do. And, you know, what kind of food did I want to eat. What, uh, who should I be talking to. Should I go, should I be using my degree for something. I mean, it was…I was already in my prison. I was already self-sabotaging, addicted to negativity, resisting at every point and turn to see reason. To listen. To listen to other people.
Resistance was a huge part of my life. And as a result of being married to resistance, rather than being married to awareness, I almost lost myself.
Since then I’ve had moments where I imagine something just, ii it.. it’s just a snap. Just a snap. Moment. A snapshot. Nothing really triggers it, per se. But it’s this…it reminds me of this haunting feeling of what it felt like to be in that prison. And when I have those moments where I just fooo , float in. I think of railroad tracks. I think of ..if.. if I just..I live a life of choice without a vehicle so I bicycle, and it would just take…I would just have to navigate my bicycle 6 feet into oncoming traffic. Done.
I have moments like that where it’s just so fast.
When we’re overwhelmed, we’re probably creating more work for ourselves than we think we are. Than we’re aware to. And that’s really something I wanted to shed light on. What I experience as an un-diagnosed person.
Never had a diagnosis. Ever.
And sometimes I tell myself, “Well, you don’t have a diagnosis. So, you’re fine! You don’t have a problem. You don’t have issues.”
NO. It’s still part of my health. And for those of you that haven’t gotten, or taken a step in that direction, I feel you, in my own respective way. I feel like I have no merit to be speaking in such a way about my health. I struggled.
I wasn’t always this way [facing my “truth” and owning my past]. I find it so much easier to smile and look past my own insecurities to get along with people from all walks of life, with all different kinds of experiences.
That’s that…benefit of the doubt is something I give out…in truckloads to other people. And I struggled to do that for myself. To give myself the benefit of the doubt. To give myself permission to feel bad and years later here I am. I finally get it. It’s not the ‘bad’ feelings that were tearing me apart, it was my judgment of myself for having them in the first place.
So, question. I always like ending with a question.
‘If there was a way…to feel…at peace with your past and say…I gave you this magic crayon…and you can use it to re-write something that’s happened in the past and just, ‘this is what happened and now I feel better,’ what would have changed specifically about you for the outcome to be different?
So, if you could take this crayon. This magic crayon, go into the past and rewrite a memory, er, incident, what is it specifically about you that changed the outcome?
I like asking these questions because there’s not much more we can control outside of ourselves and the sooner we embrace that ‘truth,’ the easier life gets. I don’t want to say easier. The better life gets.
A lot of you are probably really good at weaving a bullshit story. I definitely am an expert at doing that. *laughs* So, catching myself before it gets..too long. You’re weaving that story? Stooooop. Stop it. It’t not worth it.”