It feels so good to be writing again about my experiences as I continue to navigate this mental illness life. It was a struggle in January of 2021, and I have to say I have come out stronger, but there are still lingering effects.
As of writing this blog post, I am now thirty-three days into my recommitment to my sobriety. That is huge, considering I lost five years in 2020. After the loss to my mom, it was easier to turn to alcohol, but I know she would have wanted me to get back on track with my sobriety.
I have gone through a lot in 2021, including feeling suicidal and coming up with another suicide plan that I considered following through at the end of January. I was able to reach out once again to someone I trust and develop a safety plan once again which has been in place for a few days. I was very depressed, though I got a lot down with scheduling podcast episodes, doing interviews, working on projects, and creating podcast episodes. I am still struggling with several things at once. There is the stress which is leading to high blood pressure, and of course, the issues with my teeth that are stress related. I will be lucky to stay healthy in 2021, but I know I need to work on stress triggers as I continue on into February and beyond.
With my stress comes issues, including more depression or the coming back of my dark passenger and issues with my past. I am still dealing with the fantastic part of my recent stint in working with a life coach for four months in 2020. It allowed emotions back into my life and being vulnerable, but with some unintended consequences like doors I thought I shut long ago. The most telling was when I was a kid and what happened to me when I was four years old. At the end of 2019, before my therapist moved on, I began to put together the very fragmented memories. I have been trying to keep these memories shut away for as long as I can remember. In 2007, when my diagnosis became Bipolar One, I vowed to close that door and never open it again.
The thing about my memories of that time is that I was so young, and I can feel how traumatizing it can be now to recount even the fragments. My dark passenger came from that time. It has grown with me over the years. My dark passenger has controlled me so much where I am still dealing with the fallout, and something has to change. I have begun a written journal of what I can remember, a recommendation from my life coach, and forcing myself to remember as much as I can about that time.
One of the things that my life coach recommended is to reach out to those with childhood trauma of any kind. Perhaps, we can get to my fragmented memories and begin to piece them together again. Please comment or reach out of you can help. That’s my hope for now, and perhaps I need life coaching in this one area because I am tired of my dark passenger having control of my life.
What’s next? I need to find balance in the work I do and my mental health. I am planting seeds in my life, so I am more efficient with my money when it comes to getting out of the poverty lifestyle mindset that comes with being a struggling up and coming writer. Life always finds a way, and if I live in the now, in these moments as they come to me, and not the future, I am sure the universe will help me on my path, whatever that might be for me.
Stay strong in the fight for better mental health, and check out my podcast below when you have a moment. Or look up The Bipolar Writer Podcast on Apple Podcast or Spotify and other places that you listen to podcasts. Help me share others’ stories in the mental illness community by becoming a supporter of my mental health by buying me a coffee button on this page.
Interview with Kasey Claborn, Ph.D. – The Bipolar Writer Podcast
Always Keep Fighting.
What is the worst that can happen?
James Edgar Skye
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