I hope you finally get released from all the things that hold you bondage when it comes to receiving, and reciprocating, love – and the acts thereof. I hope your ears come to admire your favorite songs again – without the painful memories that the passing of time has attached to them. I hope you get to be comfortable with the parts of your body that were once held by the wrong hands. I pray that you finally get cleansed in the processing of washing yourself off other people’s stains. I hope you realize that you’re deserving of all the things you receive, even the ones you don’t ask for. I hope you finally get to release people you have held in your heart for longer than was necessary. I hope the weight of waiting doesn’t discourage you from trying. I hope you don’t fail at this healing thing, but if it happens that you do (which is probably most likely), I hope you find the will to try again. I hope all of this happens to you while you still have the advantage of age. If not, I hope you find solace in the reality that things work out for the better of us all when we breathe and try. I hope all of this for you, and for me.
Thank you for being with me. Let us rebuild a healthy state of mind.
I haven’t been writing for so long because I recently had my second manic episode. I later got diagnosed with a bipolar mood disorder (type 1) and I also got diagnosed with High Functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) for the third time. I have always been aware of how different I am. How unique my learning techniques and social skills were. I have always been bullied my entire life for my mood disorder and especially my ASD.
I have always been a goofy and awkward kid when growing up. A kid who was extremely gifted in linguistics, the arts, and mathematics. I have been writing since I was in pre-school to express my feelings to my parents. I have always been more comfortable around adults than my peers, I struggled to fit in.
I went to university extremely young and I had planned to finish my bachelors/honors degree at the age of 19 or 20. Like I said, I was really young when I went to university. I got severely bullied at university to a point where I was constantly being spit at by my peers. Called names on a regular basis, and have people make noise around me for no reason. I was socially isolated and rejected by my peers merely because I was autistic. People also started spreading rumors about me, saying that I claimed to have supernatural powers. Which was far from the truth actually. My bipolar disorder doesn’t have psychotic features but I was labeled insane merely because they felt the need to make me feel inferior.
Being Forced To Transfer
The bullying took a toll on my mental health and I got hospitalized twice before I made the decision to transfer to another university and change majors as well. I later developed PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) because of the extreme bullying I had endured. I transferred but I had issues with my self-esteem. Although I was a gifted academic, my low self-esteem impacted my studies. I had to seek counseling to face my fears and deal with what happened to me. My autism was always something that I kept secret. However, I am well aware of how the ASD has assisted me in excelling academically. My hyper-empathy and sensitivity to smells and noise are a result of the ASD.
ASD Is Misunderstood
People with ASD tend to be misunderstood and regularly mistreated and bullied in schools. ASD is a spectrum and neurological disorder, so people do not exhibit the same symptoms. Symptoms may be similar but they aren’t the same. It would be best for people to research about ASD and have sympathy for those with ASD. It would lessen the amount of mistreatment and bullying people with ASD have to deal with on a daily basis.
Parents of ASD Children
It takes a lot of effort to take care of people and children with ASD. I would like to thank loved ones and parents of children and adults of ASD. Thank you for being there for us.
Thank you for being with me. Let us rebuild a healthy state of mind.
If you have faced a tragedy and someone tells you in anyway, shape or form that your tragedy was meant to be. That it happened for a reason and that it will make you a better person. Or that taking responsibility for it will fix it. You have every right to remove those people out of your life.
Grief: what is it?
Grief is brutally painful. Grief does not only occur when someone dies. Yes, death is another form of grief. It also occurs when relationships fall apart. When dreams die, you grieve. When illnesses wreck you, you grieve. So, I am going to repeat words I have uttered countless times to these people in my life. Words so powerful and honest that they tear at the hubris of every person who participates in debasing grieving. Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried. The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone. Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars but they carry on living despite it all.
There are times when life events leave huge question marks as a sign to stretch our faith. Time will fade sorrows. These struggles will diminish. You’ll be you again, I promise. You will be happy again, you will be yourself more than ever. You will understand your heart better when you heal. You will be whole.
When I initially started going for therapy, I masked my pain by being overly positive. I was constantly watching meditation videos on YouTube, reading motivational books and novels. Thinking that by doing this, I had my life all figured out. I never allowed myself to grieve – all the trauma I had survived. I never really knew what grieving in this sense meant. I always found myself being empathetic and sympathetic towards other people. But I never thought that I ever deserved the same compassion from others, especially from myself.
Living in Guilt
I was constantly living in guilt. Having been taught by my perpetrators that I was undeserving of love and kindness. I felt guilty whenever I took a chance to take care of myself. Felt guilty for loving how my body unfolded into what it is. I grew to hate myself, started self-harming and using my body as a container for my rage. Using my body as a container for the rage that I felt towards my abusers. Guilt was present in my body, no doubt about that. I was even guilty of living happily despite what I have gone through and overcome. Masking this pain with a smile and being overly positive. Little did I know, that this did more harm than good.
A Spiral Into Depressive Episodes
Hiding my emotions led me into depressive episodes because I never allowed myself to speak up. Therapy was the first outlet that gave me permission to speak up without any judgment. I was constantly speaking to my parents but I always hid my true emotions from them. Out of fear of them getting worried. For fear in itself. I was fearful that I would be judged for who I truly am. My overly positive outlook actually delayed the healing process. I only took notice of this because I have made so much progress lately. I never really knew how detrimental it was to my healing then.
I tried to forgive my abusers prematurely when I began my healing journey. It turned out for the worst, really. As someone who is spiritual, I thought I was obliged to forgive someone because it was my duty(I thought at that time). This made things worse and some of my PTSD symptoms were lingering because I never allowed myself to grieve – revealing my real and raw emotions.
The Reality is…
I deserved to express my emotions no matter how raw and real they were. As a human being, I have the right to be respectfully and authentically me. Despite what my religion or spirituality is and what people say. I am me and that will always be my power. I started a war within myself by not expressing myself. Little did I know, psychosomatic symptoms are a result of stress.
Listen to your yourself, you deserve to be heard no matter what your inner critic says. No matter what the people around you say. Seek help and find people you can confide in. Positivity can be a good thing but too much of it can be catastrophic.
Burnout and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C/PTSD) are rarely talked about. I think, for the most part, burnout and fatigue are the most debilitating symptoms that I have to deal with on a daily basis. Fatigue that is caused by my medication and from being extremely anxious and hypervigilant on a daily basis.
Drowning In Work
I find myself trying to drown myself into work, as a coping mechanism, whenever I get overwhelmed by my emotions (or lack of sometimes – due to my numbness) and my inability to articulate what causes me to feel anxious or depressed. It becomes an exhausting cycle, from time to time, and sometimes I seem unable to break out of it.
Life Is A Grind
I honestly believe that living with PTSD or CPTSD feels like I have been grinding for so long that my life has become a grid. I see myself eating at my desk more often than I should. Drinking more caffeine just so my body can cope with my grind or my need to keep grinding. Adding into the mix, my anxiety, depression and my lack of self-esteem coupled with my self-doubt that was instilled into my body by the trauma I have survived.
This seems to continue and gets to the point where I start eating less healthy and exercise less often. My mood than gets affected and everyone around me – well becomes frustrated with having to deal with my dark side. I honestly do get tired of feeling hopeless. This whole cycle then leads me into thinking that I have become inferior – by comparison – to who I was before my trauma.
This vicious cycle is unhealthy, I must admit. My body then gets to a point where it can’t take anymore stressors or continue to work. I think that this habit of constantly over-working myself can’t be stopped by self care mechanisms. although, they can help tame and slow down the process of burnout.
If you are feeling this way at the moment, I hope you stop – pause – and listen to your mind, body, and soul. Because they are you and that is your power. Please try to seek professional help as well.
Burnout is the moment when everything gives, and it’s more common than you might think.
As the year comes to an end, I would like to recap what 2018 has been for me. This year was filled with so many ups and downs. Tears have been cried and my faith has been tested on so many occasions. There were a lot of lessons learned, despite my heartache.
It has been a year since I was diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and My Bowel Disease. This time last year, I was so malnourished because my gut was extremely damaged and I couldn’t absorb nutrients. It has been such a struggle to get to a point were my bowel disease was at bay. I was also diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety and panic disorder about three years ago. I struggled to keep the ship sailing since my malnutrition and my bowel disease made my mental health conditions worse.
I lost so many friends due to us growing apart. I was no longer helpful in their journeys and them in mine. I grew into what I am today because I was shaped by my circumstances and experiences. I became who I was destined to be. I fell in love with myself again, despite having lost myself in the storm of circumstances I had no control over. I gained new hope and I started traveling the world again, with friends and on my own.
For the first time in a year, since my diagnosis of CPTSD. I started living for myself and not being defined by doctrines that people tried to instil in me. I overcame my self harming strategies, my suicidal thoughts and most importantly the guilt I have carried for so many years. I always struggled with guilt and self-hate. Because I was taught by my abusers that I was not worthy of love and that I wasn’t deserving of life. I still struggle with my negative inner critic from time to time but I learnt how to cope and tackle this negative inner critic.
I am grateful for all that Life had to offer me in 2018. Most importantly, I found the new me!
Thank you for being with me. I look forward to seeing you here again soon Let us rebuild a healthy state of mind.