Today and friends

So today I have been thinking about friendships and one in particular. My boyfriend has a female friend that has known for a couple of years long than he’s known me. Well over the summer last year they were talking all day every day for about a 3 hours a day. When I’ve asked him to not talk to her he said no that he wouldn’t stop. I’m supposed to be his partner, but I don’t feel like it.

Well the last time I had asked him to not talk to her she threatened to go behind my back to see and talk to him. This hurts a lot, but what makes it worse is that he did talk to her behind my back. Which hurts even more. I don’t know if I can trust him to not do that again. I really wish he just would block her on everything. He doesn’t need her all she does is add stress to him and then it gets turned around on me and he’s an ass to me.

I’m not even sure what to do with these emotions I feel like crying and ignoring his call later today. I feel like that would be a bitch move but I’m not sure what else to do. He has asked me to not talk to my family before and I can’t ask him to not talk to her. I’m not even sure what to do about my relationship with him. I already feel really bad lately about the way I am. I feel bad about myself in general and put myself down a lot. I understand that you are not supposed to do that, but I have such low self-esteem lately that I don’t feel capable to tell him how I feel.

Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash

This year so far in review

So I have been pretty depressed lately with everything going on. I have been working through the virus as I am an essential employee. Although it has taken its toll on me and I have been fighting through the depression at work. When I get home I take it out on my fiancee who loves me dearly.

I have been doing my regular and group therapy sessions as I am able to, but I can’t always make it to them. I’m struggling to keep myself together.

How I’ve been…..

My doggo on fiancee’s lap

So I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted here. I have been working on getting better since I’ve been out of the hospital. Its definitely been a struggle. I’m just doing the best I can. I’ve upped my hours at work. I’m off of a dangerous medication. I’m no longer on depakote because it has fucked up my liver. I’m going through withdrawal from it and it sucks ass.

I’m a struggle to deal with. Plus I just want to quit my job so I can spend time with my doggos. Although I know that I need it in order to keep sane. I’ve been wanting to drink and self medicate a lot lately. Although I haven’t been. My self medication is usually self harm. My fiancee wouldn’t be happy if I turned back to self medicating.

I’m just worried that everything will fall apart again. I dont want it to fall apart again. I cant handle it falling apart. I’m not sure how to bring this up to fiancee though. I just want him to be happy . I dont want him to be worrying about me.

12/5/19

When everything goes to hell you just feel like everything is going to feel like the foes of hell or burning you from the inside out. I feel so helpless right now. I feel like he just want to cover his ass so he doing a all that by his mom. I hate that I feel like this period I know that he loves me and cares about me. I feel like all the useless loser. I’m feeling so shitty that no matter what I do it it goes into my work.

I’m not what I used to be. I will not happy with who I am. I’m not happy in my life. On that happy with my schooling achievements. Some days I Feel like dying and others I just feel like cutting again. I’m not sure what to do with my life. I want to be a psychologist I’m not sure if that’s the path I would want to take. There’s nothing stopping me but me.

I’m nothing but a pathetic waste of space. I’m not worth land rage at work. I’m not worth full time and for my. And worth nothing when. There is no reason for me to keep working. There’s no point in going to school. I’m just going to end up my like my mother. I’m going to end up with nothing. Everyone dies. No one lives forever. I’m just a worthless piece of ship. So why live? What is a what good is it to be alive? There is no good if always if it’s always bed luck. That’s all I get. I don’t get lucky.

I don’t feel as if I deserve a life worth living. I’m a shitty person. What good do.i bring this world? Someone please help me.

Another sleepless night

so I am having another sleepless night. none of the nights this week have been been sleepless. but it is only Monday. I’ve had sleepless nights before and they haven’t really been this bad. I’m not this person that is just having a hard time, but at the same time I am having a hard time. I’m not sure what to do. now it is only 10 pm on a Monday but usually I am falling asleep right now. I feel like i’m on an upward spiral and it’s getting out of control. i have been on antidepressants since last year around this time. I get the fact that I am bipolar and really should be on something like lithium, but my medications nurse/prescriber. nothing has been this bad since i was in high school. i couldn’t sleep on Friday that well either.

I’m not the kind of girl that will just get people to feel bad for her. although my fiance and his family do care for me and feel bad when i’m doing bad because they don’t really know how to help. i couldn’t get through the fact that i’m having another sleepless night. i’m not sure what i’m going to do. i’m no longer happy with how i am as a person. i feel like i may have DID because i do feel other alters/ personalities with in myself i’m not sure what to do. i’m going to go to my primary care provider tomorrow to get a recommendation to a psychiatrist and hopefully a new therapist. i don’t get why mine won’t really help me. I have been thinking this through since I made the appointment. yes i made it for tomorrow at 2 but they moved it up to 1:45 pm. i’m really struggling to get my head around the fact that I’ve been struggling to not cut, burn, snap a rubber band on my wrist or ankles because I’m feeling very much out of control.

I don’t know what to do you guys i really need some help tonight and would love it if you guys could give me some advice on how to get through the night into the morning and before my appointment tomorrow. thank you for taking the time to read this.

The past 2 weeks

so this week my rapist’s sister had made contact with me. she said that i showed up in her possible friends feed. now you see i’m very afraid that he’ll find me again since i’m so close to Grand Rapids. i’m not the greatest person to be around since the incidents. i’m very much a scaredy cat. i can’t handle people coming up behind me and scaring me or startling me without wanting to beat the absolute shit out of them.

i have a problem yes i realize this. i have a problem because i have PTSD. this is not a curable disorder. yes it can go into remission like cancer but the over thing is that it causes the person severe problems in life. things haven’t been all that great for me lately. my counselor had canceled on me last week and i’ve been freaking the fuck out.

no one has really cancelled on me the day before. it honestly scares the shit out of me when someone cancels on me at the last minute. i always feel like they cancel because they don’t want to see me. i have always thought that i was depressing to be around. i can’t help but feel like it’s my fault when someone cancels on me. i get scared that it will happen more and more often just so that they can avoid me.

How to succeed with your recovery

no matter what I do I always feel somewhat helpless. So how do you get through it? I don’t really get through it easily or super healthy. You see I tend to scream and yell a lot. I don’t like how I deal with things. If you wanted to know how to deal with things healthily talk to your therapist. If you don’t have one here are a few suggestions.

One talk things out don’t get frustrated if the person you want to listen doesn’t. You may have given them burn out. You don’t need to worry they will come back to help you. The person that you talk to cares about you a lot. They don’t want you to get hurt or commit suicide.

Two go to a/your therapist regularly. Don’t miss appointments or skip them because you don’t want to go. Your therapist is there to help you. You can’t be missing appointments if you want to get better. There is no way you’re going to get better if you don’t go see a therapist.

Three your doctor. Go and see him or her when you need to. Don’t just go when you feel like it. Your doctor is there to give you medications that are there to help you. Don’t come up with excuses to not go because you’re entire world is dependent on the medications for as long as you need them. Don’t make it or get it to a point where you can never go to any of your appointments with your doctor.

Four your family is going to be the biggest piece of your recovery. Yes some people have horrible families. Although I know that some of you have truly great families. so for those of you that do have great families use their help for as long as you can. They are there for you. My family wasn’t really there for me when i was growing up and they really aren’t now either. although my fiancee’s family has been there for me for the past four years.

How I have been

So my doctor said I could start on CBD oil. I’m really proud of myself for not taking no as an answer and doing my research on it myself. If I hadn’t insisted on trying it i wouldn’t be feeling better and able to write more. i would be trying to keep level headed during a panic episode and it would not be good.

I am trying to keep level headed a work because i feel like I might be losing my job. I am doing my best to keep my head down and my spirits high because i need this job. Yes I may not be doing well at it but I am trying. I can say that but a lot of people can’t.

I’m not sure what people will or have said about me behind my back but I am starting to not care about what people think about me, because it does no good thinking about what people will or have said about you. Plus I am not one to judge people usually but lately i have been judging. I’m not proud of it but at least i can say that i try not to. I feel bad when I judge people.

I hate being judged and yet lately i have been judging people who don’t deserve to be judged. I’m trying to be better than most people but I know that will never be the case for me. I hope that you all are feling okay and if no that’s okay too.

How I feel today

Things have been warm at best with me. I’m getting real irritable. To be honest I don’t feel like myself. I feel like an alien in my body. I’m going to therapy and I’m struggling to get a grasp on what I want to do with my life. I’m not sure how to do things anymore. I just want to be happy and I’m not happy with who I am. I just wish that things would get better for me.

I’m not the kind of girl that just says she’ll change and only takes a few steps to get to that goal.i feel like a loser right and no one really has the time for me anymore. Everyone is busy with their own things. My best friend is getting married, my mom a divorce for the third time and counseling, my fiance works most of the time, my other friends are just to busy with their own lives to see if I’m okay.

I feel like a burden on everyone. I’m not doing okay. I’m just barely getting out of bed these days. I’m starting to slip into a depressive episode and it’s the middle of the warm months. I’m looking st the positive as much as I can. My brain will prevent me from looking at the positive for too long. It doesn’t want me to be happy.

I thought I would be happy with the people around me and I am trust me. It’s just that I feel so alone in anyone’s company. I don’t really much at the moment. So I’m just trying to get through the day as best as I can. Hardly anyone in my family can understand what I am going through. I don’t want to throw the last few years of my life down the drain, but I’m starting to feel as if there is no other way.

I want to cry and cut. I don’t want to die. I just want to cut and cry. I have the means to but I really don’t want to throw tears of sobriety down the drain. I love you guys and thank you for listening.

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things that go on in my head

today I sit wondering where my days have gone. I have been at home a lot more lately. so I have the time to think about what goes on in my head. now yes I have been doing things with my family but at the same time, I have been wondering what I need to do before I just uproot everything I have ever known. my life has always been surrounding grand rapids. so naturally I am afraid of moving to northern Michigan. I struggle with knowing how things are going to impact me. I feel helpless most of the time. at the same time i also feel hopeless.

no one quite gets what it’s like to feel the way I do every day. so no matter what I do that world gets me down into a funk that I just can’t get out of on my own. so I ask for help in the weirdest of ways. I ask in ways that aren’t conventional. I throw fits or stop and stare off into space. so being me is like being on a roller coaster that has no end and no beginning. so things have just been on this roller coaster forever. I can’t quite seem to make it slow down enough to get off and think clearly for even a moment.

i need to be able to stop and think clearly and give myself a break because if i don’t then who will. with love to you all i’m bri bear and i’m signing off.

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