Depression Poetry: A Retrospective

I wrote this poem on April 3, 2015. I was in a dark place. I was close to suicide for the first time since 2010. I had been mourning my grandfather and my life was in a bad place. I was in the depression cycle that started in the summer of 2014 and didn’t end until the summer of 2015. I haven’t had a depression cycle quite as long as this cycle.

This poem is one of my more darker free thought poems. I just wrote what I was feeling.

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My Darkest Depression

I know it has been a long while…
I have been lost.
Depressed.
And even tittering on the edges of suicidal thoughts.

It has really just been that way.
I am so afraid.
So afraid of what could happen.
What might happen?
The truth?
I am going down a road that I may never come back from again.
It scares me to death.
I know the signs and yet here I am.
Afraid.
I am really just a mess so much lately.
Most nights I really want to cry.

So I cry myself to sleep.
Wishing.
Wishing that I don’t wake the next day.
Yet, here I am.
Awake again. Another day. More struggles.
I often think that God hates me.
That I hate myself so much that God has given up on me.
Let’s face it, I would give up on me.
It is a wonder that no one wants anything to do with me.

Is there something I can do, probably not.
My life is this mess, the mess I created.
The Chaos.

It’s not gonna change—I tell myself that every night.
It has become me, my past is present. It might be my future.
What does all this mean anymore?
I continue to perish in the darkness. Forever.
Darkness, my best friend, and worst enemy.
Depression my familiar companion, you never leave me.

by James Edgar Skye

Always Keep Fighting.

What is the worst that can happen?

James Edgar Skye

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By James Edgar Skye

I am a fiction and nonfiction novelist, screenwriter, short stories, novellas, and blogger. I published my memoir, "The Bipolar Writer: A Memoir," now available on Amazon. I also write articles on this blog. My author website is www.jamesedgarskye.me. In 2021, I am going legit with my ghostwriting business, "The Bipolar Writer Ghostwriting Services." I also have a podcast anywhere you can find podcasts, just search for The Bipolar Writer Podcast.

188 comments

  1. Wow… I thought I was in a bad place now. After reading this, I know I’m not that bad. The memories that you brought here to me, resonated all the fear and utter depression I felt back in 2014-2015. You just took my breath away while reading this.
    God Bless you for never going through with all those horrendous thoughts.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. I’m sorry, I didn’t read all the comments. In fact, I have heard such things of depression, and had such a minimal sample of it, that I was so scared to read this poem that I almost didn’t. In any case, you sounded really shallow, soulless, and distant–all characteristics of depression. But that might just be me being spared for some reason. “The Chaos” triggered in me, as I deal with it, through other people, so constantly. Which is ironic, as depression seems to me to be an isolation disease (no one helps you), whereas Chaos is to me, from other people (I live with psychosis–which is just other people misbehaving in your head in unbelievable ways–plus the occasional (sometimes frequent) uncontrollable meaningful socially communicable muscle spasm). So I find the contrast somewhat confusing. Was the Chaos from other people? But you said you caused it? So why would you be depressed–did you control other people into leaving you alone so much that when you needed them they weren’t there for you? Sorry. That’s too accusatory.

    In any case I think that’s all I wanted to say.

    Thanks for the poem. Hoping for a more raw read-through at some point–out of benevolence.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. My chaos is me. I made things worse by letting the depression overcome me. By that time I knew what depression was and how it effected me. No matter what I did my life was chaotic but it was my chaos. I let it in as I often do. I hope that make sense. When I wrote it 2015 it was how I felt.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. We all go through hell buddy and i really i hope you see more brighter days than dark.
    Heres what im doing
    Hi., My name is Barry.

    I’m a big reader of self help and personal development books. I’ve read and listened to loads now with out putting action in to the words I read/listen too

    I decided in January 2017 to start recording my journey and see what I could learn from setting my own goals targets and really pushing myself. I decided it was important to wait a year before publishing any post and my dairies. Well this is where I am now!

    It’s been a rocky trip and I talk about my battles with alcohol, drugs, anxiety, depression, work and feeling alone! Its not all bad and I have many highs too but ultimately I’m sticking to a commitment I made myself a year ago. A project for change to help me and others.

    A Year Ago Today

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Wow… This is crazy. I lost my grandpa in 2015 and that year was where the worst of depression started. I relate to your poem so deeply. Truly beautiful! I never believe time healed all wounds but it sure does help doesn’t it? Love your writing style. > mangledmoonchild.wordpress.com

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Such a beautiful poem. Loved the way you’ve portrayed depression. Always remember that darkness doesn’t always remain. There is always an end to the darkness so all that we got to do is have hope and be very strong.
    -RNS

    Liked by 3 people

  6. You know what’s the nest thing, you’ve let your feelings out through these words and formed them into verses. 🙂
    Congratulations 🎁🎊 for being so strong in your hard time! Your strength is appreciated! You have proved that you are strong enough to live life and gain all wonders! ✨ You deserve all great happiness that life has to offer. Keep smiling. 😊 Stay blessed. 🌟 Stay strong 💪 and let the positivity flow!! 🎉

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Brother, good write. God never give up on us but sometimes he beat us into submission so he can really show us what is his will for us: to overcome not to be overwhelmed. But writing is always good for the search of the will, keep writing.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’ll be documenting my recovery process too! What’s your book going to be about? This poem really shows the awful symptoms of depression

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m interested! I think it’s so good to read about other people going through a similiar journey because a lot of people don’t understand and it makes you isolate yourself more. I’m so curious to know about how people recover / cope – is is holistically or is it with the aid of pharmaceuticals?

        Liked by 1 person

  9. I can totally relate to what you’ve felt. I’ve never had up and down period in my depression however because I’ve always been depressed. I appreciate you sharing even your suicidal thought because it take strength to tell people how you feel, especially when you have such strong emotions. I promise I will donate to you as soon as I can because you have talent and even if you didn’t who am I to deny someone’s dreams. I believe you will find success on your path continue on…maybe ill catch up one day.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I sadly relate to this a lot, I just joined after writing a letter to my partner explaining how my depression felt, and i realized that a lot of people would benefit from an explanation such as mine. I decided to post it here but in all honesty I’ve never felt so vulnerable. Thank you for sharing this.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I sadly relate to this more than I wish i did. I just joined after writing a letter to my partner explaining how my depression felt, and i realized that a lot of people would benefit from an explanation such as mine. I decided to post it here but in all honesty I’ve never felt so vulnerable. Thank you for sharing this, you’re a gem.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. This is so beautiful, i feel like it was very brave of you to post this, because you’re exposing yourself in your most vulnerable way possible, and i am glad you did. People who feel like this and read this will know their not alone and that there is hope after all.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. That is what I wanted to express in this poem. The real me. depression is a part of me. It’s never fun but writing about it makes it easier. I don’t consider myself brave but rather just one voice of many in the mental illness community. I don’t mind showing my vulnerability if it helps others. Thank you for your kind words.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I so relate, I am up and down with depression and suicidal thoughts. I have taken up alternative approach for it and I am staying on an even steady flow at the moment. Keep up the good work. Hope you are ok for now. All the best wishes.

    Like

  14. A beautiful poem. Who says sadness doesn’t have beauty? Having read this, I could say I have been through 70% of such a kind of phase. I can understand every bit of it. You write beautifully. Keep it up. Keep Smiling. 🙂

    Like

    1. I am sorry that you are in that dark place. If you need someone to talk you I am always here. I know how it feels. It’s a place of hopelessness but sometimes knowing your not alone can help.

      Like

  15. Nicely done and I can completely relate to your words. I too have bipolar 1 disorder and have reached severe suicidal depression too many times. Thank you for sharing and I am very happy you are doing well now. Hugs, Sue

    Like

      1. You are very welcome. I honestly just had a suicide attempt only a month ago. I have attempted suicide before, but this one was the worst. I reached an elated mania and felt at peace with dying. It was what I had to do. There was no decision to make. It was done. It is very scary because I reached a psychotic state really. God saved my life and now I am still picking up the pieces of my life from the path of destruction I made during my severe suicidal depression and mixed episodes. I learned of the serious dangers and consequences from taking Klonopin (Benzodiazepine) for about 20 years. After my overdose, the doctors forced me to quit Klonopin cold turkey which caused me to go through very severe horrific withdrawals. I believe many of my problems for years were related to being dependent on Klonopin and not knowing or understanding the adverse reactions it could cause from adjusting my dose on my own. I tried to reduce it on my own never realizing for years I was putting myself in a state of withdrawal. My symptoms were not from my own anxiety etc., but from the dependency from that dangerous medication. I wish someone would have told. me. I researched all my medications, but never my Klonopin because I loved my Klonopin and thought it was the only thing that worked for me. I never realized it was actually slowly killing me until it put me in a state of psychosis with a year of constant suicidal ideations and other terrible symptoms. Finally, I am medication free and finally the withdrawals symptoms are dissipating. It has been a month and I still have some negative effects, but I can finally breathe, walk and live again. Thanks for reading. Sorry I rambled so much. Have a fabulous day. You are awesome by the way. I love your writing. I am so impressed with your talent. Thank you for sharing your words with all of us. Hugs, Sue

        Liked by 1 person

  16. I’m trapped in my own ongoing depression, but no amount of therapy or inspirational quotes seem to help. Everything around me seems to remind me of my dilemma.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. really nice words James. just remember, you are never really alone, we think we are but all you have to do is reach out – by phone, by post, by blogging….in fact the hardest thing can be to reach out but it is always rewarded in my experience. talking makes things easier. stay in the light my friend. jp.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. What a beautifully wrote poem and an amazing way to express your feelings during such a dark time. I too have been there and endured the unsettling signs of depression as it creeps up on you and the dreadful emotions that are out of your control when it does. This is one of the reasons that I just recently started my blog. These issues need talked about! We are not alone in this fight. Thank you for being so open and honest about the harsh realities of this mental illness! Truly inspiring.

    Like

  19. This is amazing, I write poetry and it is all based on my feelings then and there, mostly it is from my depression so a lot of mine are quite, surreal and down.

    Liked by 1 person

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