Where is my Christmas Spirit?

Photo by Hert Niks on Pexels.com

Christmas is my favorite holiday, it always has been. I look forward to the holiday season all year long. It’s always the highlight of my year. But now, I can’t seem to get into the Christmas mood. I’m doing all of the things I normally do to enjoy the holiday season except they aren’t making me as happy as they used to.

I don’t know if it’s age, where I’m at in my life or because it’s 2020 but I have been trying hard to get into the Christmas mood but can’t. I thought maybe snow would help. It snowed 2 feet (which isn’t common where I live) and it didn’t make me feel much better. I thought maybe giving gifts and baking cookies would help. It only made a little bit of a difference.

It makes me depressed that my favorite time of the year is so lack luster. I want this time of the year to be the best part of the entire thing! I am longing to feel the happiness that Christmas has brought me in the past.

Sadly this year I will be spending most of Christmas alone. My boyfriend is working and my brother is quarantining after a business trip so we have to hold off on our family get togethers. I will be spending a few hours with my mom so I guess I won’t totally be alone but it won’t be like past Christmases. I will wake up alone, eat alone and give my pets their presents alone.

This potentially shit Christmas is effecting my mood. I’ve been extra tired and cranky as well as binge eating like nobody’s business. I want to be happy during my favorite time of the year. Why can’t I be? My God I sound like Charlie Brown.

I guess there is no guaranteed happiness at any point in time even during Christmas. You can’t just turn depression on and off even though I’m sure so many of us would love to.

I want to be happy, cheery and all of the great emotions that come with Christmas. I’m just not there this year. Sure, it’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with feeling this way, it’s just that I don’t want to. I can’t force happiness upon myself but I can try to do things that make me not feel like shit. So somewhere in the middle. Maybe?

I don’t know, I just want to be happy. You know?

How are you feeling about this time of year? Is it normally a sad time or a happy time for you? Leave a comment and tell me!

By Megan

A 26-year-old woman trying to survive living with depression and anxiety. I love writing, petting cats, reading books and talking about nerdy stuff.

15 comments

  1. Yep … I’m with your sentiments. I always struggle throughout November after the clocks go back until after solstice. The cheery lights and festivities help in December but in reality the mood doesn’t really lift until March when the daylight hours improve. Best wishes … Laura

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It’s a very…. Torn time more me. If there’s kids around (either when I was working or family) I really got into it but if its just adults I would try to avoid it like the plague a lot of times . As I’m living alone…. I haven’t really decorated, it doesn’t feel like Christmas, I’ve done minimal solstice celebration today and I’m not in a great place mentally.
    I think being able to be balanced over the next couple of weeks is the most I’m going to hope for and it’s not a bad thing to aim for as far as I’m concerned. Take it one day, one hour at a time and try and be in the moment, finding those little positives where possible.

    Liked by 1 person

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