This is a hard one to write because jealousy is just an emotion that we have, and there is no right or wrong answer if I am honest. It hurts me to see others with their moms out in the world. I was eating ice cream the other day, and I got to see a little human being with their mom. It still hurt. I know this shall pass within my grieving process, it always does as I have read grieving books a lot lately, and even the people I was with were mother and daughter. Losing my mother and it coming on December 15th anniversary, or girefversary (I believe that is right) as Shelby Forsythia explains, the day I lost my own, it can be hard to sit see others close to their mothers.
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It never felt envious of the mother and child. Just knowing that I see it and feeling the feels, it is very new. For a long time, I was hiding my feelings away and not dealing with the realities of life after a significant loss. I allowed the pain to get to a point where suicide was a real option back in October, and I am not afraid of that anymore. I know I always say it, but life coaching and the grief books that I have read helped me, but I still struggle to let go of those final pieces and allow my mom to be in my heart and in the grieving space I have created in my life.
The upside is that I am healing my heart and not staying so much in my head. I made a pact to work on the inner I each day. That allows me to stay in the now even when depression or anxiety takes over. Depression did on Sunday, but I was always okay. I will be discussing the first anniversary of my mother’s stroke on December 6th, 2019, in detail on the next podcast episode. That day taught me a lot, and when I stayed in the moments and felt what I was supposed to feel, it changed a lot for me, and while there will be situations between now and the 15th, I feel more prepared to allow myself into each day and find a silver lining no matter how small.
It is time for this raven to spread his wings. I have been struggling to not see my Dad as a human being and something I need to protect because he is my father. I never want to lose him as well, but he is not mine to lose. No one is anyone’s to lose, and I am learning to detach from that idea that it comes to be to protect him because of a promise I made to my mom. He is an adult, and no change in him that comes from me will work, and so it is something that I am learning with my parents. Let go of the binding strings and just be who I am meant to be. I need to allow my father to grieve in his own way.
For the first time in 2020, I can see a bright future without the worry of what is next. Things will be okay, and I can stop being addicted to worries, thoughts, pressures, and problems. We have been addicted to these things at some point, and I am one of the many. I have thought about them for fleeting moments today. I need to live for me, and that is what was holding me back. I am ready for anything that comes my way. It hard to see others with their mothers, but that is okay because it also makes me smile that I had the time with my own mother that the universe allowed.
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Reblogged this on Disablities & all sorts of Mental Health Issues.
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Embrace the bonds you see in others and it will create strength in your healing. Jealousy is an outward feeling of the emotion sadness. Sadness is what you must come to accept as human in order to overcome. This is true for grief and depression. Once you are able to allow yourself to be sad, thoughts of suicide will subside, jealously and anger will disappear, and life will begin. Ironically, life is death. I am not a professional by any stretch but having similar mental illnesses as you and surviving grief, this mindset shift and acceptance of my humanity has truly gifted me a life worthy of living. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to cry. It is okay to scream. Turn all distractions off. Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself a bad day. But most off all … We are all in this together; life and death, love and loss, joy and sadness. Email me anytime friend if you need someone to chat with.
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Eve! I missed your posts. Thank you for this, I felt it throughout my soul and inner I. We are in this together. I will reach out soon! Great to hear from you as always.
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❤️❤️❤️
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Thank you James for sharing what you have written, it is good to see the brave people doing it like you and it encourages us to do the same or it brings us closer to understand ourselves, I think.
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These types of posts is part of my healing process and what I learned through life coaching. I did does bring is closer to understanding ourselves.
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It eases some as time goes by but it never goes away, when you hear a song she liked, then the birthday comes around, Christmas just around the corner. James, it never goes away because the memories are what you get to keep that’s just the other side of a two-sided coin.
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The memories will always be there and I can let go of the jealous feelings for sure. I can embrace that there are mothers out there right now caring for their kids no matter their age as my mom did. Thank you reaching out.
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Beautiful post James thanks so much for sharing ❤️😊
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Thank you for taking a moment to read the post.
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James,
I’ve been away for a while but I think it’s okay. With perspective, I can read a lot of growth and insight in your writing. Your life coaching sessions are doing a phenomenal job. Your bravery and honesty in dealing with difficult emotions like jealousy and sadness are encouraging to see. People are tasked with some tough things in life and you are in the present and dealing with it head on. I know your Mom meant a lot to you and you honor her by all of the work you do. I will be thinking of you on the 15th.
~ Colleen
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Thank you for reaching out Colleen. It has been a while! It will be amazing to know that you will be thinking of me. Life coaching was a game changer. Now it is about applying it daily but no pressure to do any one thing. Feel the feels. Great catching up with you. I also have a podcast with a great upcoming episode.
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So sorry that this has happened to you. It must be so hard on you. I’m an international student studying in America, and I haven’t seen my parents for years. Seeing people with their family just make me regret all the time I argued with my own. Holidays are especially hard. I hope you’re managing well during this crazy year. Here’s something that helps me: remember you’re an extension of your family in the world, brightening lives of others. And that’s comforting
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Hollidays are hard all around. If you ever need help or someone to talk to reach out. I hope your managing well.
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Thank you, words are great comfort to me. Stay safe and happy holidays
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You stay safe as well. Happy holidays.
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