It’s time. For me. To speak. Sometimes I feel very much like I’ve been eaten by a whale for not following God’s path in my life every time that I feel the gentle urge that I should. Ponderings have led me to question everything I thought to be true (or at least always tried to). Mostly I am writing in that point of crisis, where you question everything that anyone has ever taught or said to you to be true. All of my past keeps coming back to me in my dreams or while I am trying to focus on the hear and now and … boop…past BAD memory. Its not the good ones coming back… its the bad … the ones I don’t like to think about. I am on this journey, a journey that I always believed was straight and narrow. My heart desires perfection, peace, justice. Those are my deepest desires. However I want joy, happiness, contentment. Yes, I am the girl that dreams big and her little dear head really, really tries to see how she could make our world like this. The world from my perspective…my life’s journey has taught me of a world that is scary, dangerous, and full of people with selfish intentions that will sacrifice your happiness for their desires. You see, these people have hurt me. These are the people that are still in my head to this day.
So join me today…into my head we go… one of my memories …one of my flashbacks…and in the end my mind will force me to make some new moral perspective…some reason, some purpose as to why so many years later I am still thinking about this memory (cause its not pleasant…yet one very harmless one in perspective of my life….I think that may be why my mind chose this memory).
I see this little girl, roughly eleven years old. Catholic School girl in her full uniform. Pleated, plaid skirt…mostly green and navy blue with hints of yellow and red lines as well. This girl didn’t fit in; she didn’t like the ridiculous gossip and truth or dare and constant bullying of the girl not around at the moment. Every day at recess she walked up to the front of the school where no one else played and jumped rope. Sometimes she had company and others would jump. But mostly she just jumped and practiced all kinds of fun solo moves. There was a brilliant day, a new girl came and she started hanging out with me. It was nice having a friend, she seemed a little more carefree and not so into all the other girl queen bee and followers behavior. Soon she was my best friend, and the only one I had at school (other than the neighborhood boys and girls). However, this friendship morphed into her plucking my eyebrows and saying that they are too wide and my face is ugly and I should wear my hair like this. She thought she had this life all figured out and if I did it just her way I would be all right. I didn’t like that, and I kept her in my life anyways. One day she tormented me by telling me that she was only my friend because our teacher, Mrs. Churgo, had told her to start hanging out with me since I didn’t have any friends. Often she would remind and shame me of this being the beginning of our friendship and that she was indeed much better than I. I, naively, thought that a friend was better than none. However, this meant that I’d have to sit there and endure hearing how I had thin hair, ugly hair, it doesn’t look good with my face. Ughh…she had to work so hard to make me look good until she found this one way to put my hair and she told me it was the only way that I could wear my hair that looks somewhat good. She told me my eyebrows were just ugly and I needed to pluck them. Okay I thought and I tried so hard to take care of them. Insecurity was built by that friendship. Insecurity that today I am still trying to get rid of or at least make peace with.
Thanks for joining me on the journey into my mind. I had to spend time there anyways, and its nice not feel so alone when I do it.