My First Time.

I have never been hospitalized before. I think that I am pretty good at hiding things, but I couldn’t hide this from myself. I knew there was something wrong. I wasn’t sleeping more than a couple hours, I was becoming emotionally abusive, and I was falling back into overspending. Mania. This isn’t the first time I have been manic this year, but I hope it is the last. I moved into a new apartment earlier this week and I already can’t make rent. I am exhausting. I am tired from being me.

I took myself down to the hospital which I think we can agree is a feat on its own. Not having insurance was both a blessing a curse. The plus side is that I could choose whatever hospital I wanted and the downside is that I am uninsured. I can’t help but laugh that this insanely expensive vacation I just took and I didn’t even get to go to the pool. I am constantly, actively working to better myself. I take my medication, go to all my doctors appointments, religiously see my therapist, use the breathing exercises. I am not immune to it. It wasn’t at all what I had expected. Clean, hospital like in some ways, slightly degrading, and cold. BUT I am blessed to have gone to a place that provided me a private room and bathroom. Granted, everything was bolted to the floor and the bathroom had no door. Overall it was a really nice place filled with people actively trying to get better.

I was sad and anxious that I was taking all these days unpaid, but I had to. I had to go and get help. It was an out of body experience watching me set fire to all the relationships that took years to rebuild. One conversation has sent it all tumbling down. Here I am, trying to intervene and slow the damage. I was discharged yesterday afternoon and it seems that my grandparents are going to be the hardest to recover. I suppose it is divine timing because we just moved away after living next door to them. I am fortunate to still have my mom in my corner because it would be hell living together for the next year if I am going to be the source of her pain and anger.

I am doing better today. Better than yesterday, better than a week ago. I just have to keep pushing forward. My anxiety is manageable right now and I hope that it stays that way. I hope that this made inpatient stays a little less scary for those who haven’t experienced it.

Keep fighting the good fight!

10 thoughts on “My First Time.

  1. Inpatient stays for mania are events I know well. Good for you to recognize the need to stop and allow yourself the chance to regroup. I found the hospital experience humbling yet necessary. Your brain and your body will both need time to recover. Take care and try not to rush it. Wishing you all good things.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for sharing. I always appreciate your openness. It has been helpful to me as I try to help someone close to me with their struggles which included several hospital stays. Keep on fighting.


  3. Pingback: My First Time. – Domainworldtower

  4. Thank you for sharing your experience and I wish you the best. I was diagnosed in February of this year with Bipolar Type 2 at the age of 49. I avoided being diagnosed with bipolar for over 20 years. I ruined relationships and my teaching career as my condition worsened. I was a special education teacher and high school coach. However, since I have taken the bull by the horns and dedicated myself to educating people about bipolar – both with and without – I have learned more about myself. Keep fighting and take everyday as a new day. Best of luck and we will all beat with each others support.


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