When Your Heart Is Breaking

I drove to school this morning listening to  a Rachmaninoff piano concerto while taking in a breathtaking orange-red sunrise over the Eastern Cape veld.

As always, the 35 minute drive allowed my thoughts to wander.

I was thinking about gifts. Blessings. Questions with no answers. Faith. What we believe to be true about God. The “WHY’S” we so often ask.

A friend is going through something similar to what I went through in my mid 30’s, wanting to settle down with the “right” guy, wanting to start a family, maybe feeling a bit desperate because the “right guy” is nowhere to be found! And sadly, the potential “right” guys are running a mile because no man wants to be at the center of the frustration of a  30-ish female with her biological clock ticking louder than the Big Ben every hour on the hour.

big ben



…and the WHY’S just keep coming…

( What follows is not another “Okay, here she goes on a religious mission”…I’m not about to hit you over the head with a virtual Bible. Stay with me to the end please)

eye roll Blank Template - Imgflip

Why Is God ( or the universe )allowing this loneliness? Why is God not answering my prayers? Why did God allow me to move to this place when He knew the unhappiness I would experience here? Why is God silent?

Why, indeed???

Why does God allow loneliness, death, loss, heartbreak, violence, war, the impact of the Corona virus for that matter?

We don’t know.

I often asked my mom “What will I do when you die?” Because the two of us were attached at the hip . She was my shopping, eating out , wine drinking partner and the two of us got up to all kinds of irresponsibility. She would say “Lets see what the waiter does if I order a bottle of wine with breakfast? ” And we would giggle at the waiter’s flushed face all through the entire meal.

Or … “I feel lucky. Lets go gambling!” ( on a Tuesday afternoon in the middle of a hectic teaching week)

“Some day is today. I’m going to buy that Michel Herbelin watch right now !”

And off she went, buying the super expensive watch she’d been eyeing for months.

She was living on borrowed time. And I think she sensed it. During the last year of her life, she lived life to the fullest, doing whatever she felt like, not worrying about the opinions of others. She had fun, she was happy.

When I asked her what I would do without her she always said : ” You will receive grace.”

And I did.

Of course, I was heartbroken. But my life continued. I was comforted.

To me, the answer to our “WHY?” lies in the fact that God did not promise us an easy life on earth. Just because we are “Christian” or we try to be good-ish people we are not given a guarantee that pain will not be part of our lives. We are here to learn. Our lessons are painful.

Now read the words below. For me, they are true.  We hear that WE WILL NOT BE ALONE IN THE STORM. The storm will come, make no mistake. BUT WE WILL RECEIVE COMFORT.

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.” – Isaiah 43 : 2


We need to trust our path. Because if there is one thing I know for sure from my own life  it is this :

God’s ways are not our ways. 

God takes our wrong turns and turns them into rights.

God gives us pain so that we can understand the pain of others.

We are , in the end, meant to serve.

Albert Einstein - Coincidence is God's way of remaining...

Quotes about Way god works (29 quotes)


( ps. I understand that many reading this post will say “I don’t believe in a God”. I also know from experience that during my worst depressed times I was so completely irritated with so-called “Christians” throwing bible verse at me, saying my faith just wasn’t strong enough. If this is you, I get it. But I have come to know that there IS a path for each of us. Sometimes the reasons for our suffering come many, many years later when we can look back and say : “Ahh. God, now I get why.”)

Stay strong.


4 thoughts on “When Your Heart Is Breaking

  1. I stand somewhere in between. I don’t think religion is the right answer but I don’t think being atheist is the right answer either. Life is a paradox, so I’m assuming that neither side is the right answer. I’m agnostic and choose to stand somewhere in the middle. Sure, I wear a cross necklace but I’m not deeply attached to religion.

    When it comes to finding the “right guy,” society places a lot of expectations on us. We are expected to find partners, get married, and have children. These expectations work for some people but not everyone. There’s no right answer.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I am not personally religious, but I understand the importance of having faith and why people do have faith in religion or a God. People can also often find faith temporarely in tough times to get them through. like grieving someone. Religion as much as people say it is evil or man made, it can have a lot of good. It just depends on what we do with it or how it is interpreted I guess.

    I am not religious, and when most people ask me for my beliefs I quickly say Atheist because it is probably the closest thing to what I believe, and quick answer. In some ways, maybe I am still agnostic (I use to be) as if given proof I will believe in a God. Right now, there is not enough proof for me personally to know or believe. I put some faith in science only because it is always studying itself and upgrading with humanity. Science has holes, but it admits it has holes and does not have all the answers. Science also does not deny a God, it just says there is simply enough proof right now to say there is one. I question a lot, but I am also completely okay with the unknown. It doesn’t scare me. I think people often look to put their beliefs into something because we have a really hard time not knowing everything. We want answers, but the truth is we may never all the questions we all ask and wonder about when it comes to ourselves, this planet and the universe. We are a spec in our universe, we barely understand how we got here, our own galaxy or what have you, never mind the entire universe. I am okay with this though.

    Like that, the majority of religious or people who have faith in God I have met, seem to have faith because they feel they would be nothing without their faith or to have the strength to keep fighting etc. One of the most intelligent man I have ever met is religious. With my rather stubborn beliefs when it comes to such topics I asked him one day…so why religion? He answered very simply ‘Because I would be nothing without my faith’ and it was something about that statement that helped me understand something I didn’t before. The only time I have an issue with religious people is probably much like yourself when people use it as an excuse to commit horrendous crimes, almost like a weapon or when they say their beliefs is the only true one.

    I just want to live in a world where humans can get along, better ourselves and actually advance truly without arguing over things like religion. Who said our beliefs also have to be like one dimensional? You know what every single religion and people who are not religious have in common? Most of us have morals and want to better ourselves. When I use to study things like the bible, different religions etc I honestly saw similar themes, stories that shared moralistic values. So if you get around all the other stuff and try to keep in mind yes some of it is outdated, I don’t think God cares what we all believe in as long as we follow those few morals.

    Liked by 1 person

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