“So, there’s vlog post 3 on its way to you, this one right here.
Uh, so the last question I asked was:
‘What is it gonna take for you to own and take responsibility for your past?’
That doesn’t mean it’s your fault. That doesn’t mean you screwed up. That doesn’t mean shame on you. What that means is understanding that the past happens…happened to have happened and you are, set before you…you have these cards at your disposal. They may not be the cards you want..when does…when has that ever happened? When we’re in this pit, this prison, that we built for ourselves, and the prison I built for myself was this illusion, this delusion that things would change for me. Just because I felt it was unfair. Just because I didn’t agree with literally everything. I was so argumentative, so resistant and extremely combative and what did I end up with…nothing.
An empty shell of who I was or who I thought I was…who others thought I was. No one’s going to do the work for you. Towards the end, I almost lost myself to myself.
I deliberately created this reality where I was the one that was always right. I was the only one that had any right to feel the way I did. And no one could tell me otherwise. Absolutely not! *laughs* That’s absurd! What do people know? There’s this sheer arrogance that cocooned me and insulated me from hearing what other people had to say. And one of those things was .. I .. I I. I actually realized my addiction to negativity.
My addiction and obsession with being right when things would go wrong. It’s the ultimate catastrophe.
I smile about it now because I’ve learned to laugh it off.
Placing blame didn’t work.For me. Trying to gain justice..for the trespasses I felt, didn’t work for me. Pitying myself didn’t work for me. Um… *laughs* Taking it out on other people, didn’t work for me. Refusing to embrace and to have the parents I have, didn’t work for me. Blaming my cultural mindset, growing up under a rock, not really struggling in life or experiencing tragedy was not enough of a story or an excuse, for me.
You see, we could go here all day. I could…I could’ve gone the rest of my life doing that but I just hit a breaking point where I…enough was enough. Or rather, enough was not enough anymore. At all.
I can’t explain to you how angry I was. But it was stuffed. Stuffed down! I suppressed it. *in a silly voice* ‘Well, that’s just how I am, that’s how I was taught..’
I know now that all I wanted…all I wanted…was to feel seen…feel heard…and I just wanted to fit in.
I wanted to be that happy person you see when you scroll through your social media.
I wanted to be that person that was “successful.”
I wanted to be that person that had healthy relationships.
I wanted so many things and I denied myself that not just through sabotaging myself and staying in that bubble of comfort and negativity, fueling that negativity. Seeking to tear others down.
I refused to look the “truth” in the eye, which was that I didn’t want to do the work.
I struggled with anxiety. I mean I handled many e-mails. I balanced my finances. I do everything related to my business. I’m a one woman army. I get *laughs* you know, you teleport yourself back 5, 6 years ago, I wouldn’t have believed you. Cause I struggled just to open one e-mail. I struggled just to look at the dollars in my bank account. I struggled just to decide what I wanted to do. And, you know, what kind of food did I want to eat. What, uh, who should I be talking to. Should I go, should I be using my degree for something. I mean, it was…I was already in my prison. I was already self-sabotaging, addicted to negativity, resisting at every point and turn to see reason. To listen. To listen to other people.
Resistance was a huge part of my life. And as a result of being married to resistance, rather than being married to awareness, I almost lost myself.
Since then I’ve had moments where I imagine something just, ii it.. it’s just a snap. Just a snap. Moment. A snapshot. Nothing really triggers it, per se. But it’s this…it reminds me of this haunting feeling of what it felt like to be in that prison. And when I have those moments where I just fooo , float in. I think of railroad tracks. I think of ..if.. if I just..I live a life of choice without a vehicle so I bicycle, and it would just take…I would just have to navigate my bicycle 6 feet into oncoming traffic. Done.
I have moments like that where it’s just so fast.
When we’re overwhelmed, we’re probably creating more work for ourselves than we think we are. Than we’re aware to. And that’s really something I wanted to shed light on. What I experience as an un-diagnosed person.
Never had a diagnosis. Ever.
And sometimes I tell myself, “Well, you don’t have a diagnosis. So, you’re fine! You don’t have a problem. You don’t have issues.”
NO. It’s still part of my health. And for those of you that haven’t gotten, or taken a step in that direction, I feel you, in my own respective way. I feel like I have no merit to be speaking in such a way about my health. I struggled.
I wasn’t always this way [facing my “truth” and owning my past]. I find it so much easier to smile and look past my own insecurities to get along with people from all walks of life, with all different kinds of experiences.
That’s that…benefit of the doubt is something I give out…in truckloads to other people. And I struggled to do that for myself. To give myself the benefit of the doubt. To give myself permission to feel bad and years later here I am. I finally get it. It’s not the ‘bad’ feelings that were tearing me apart, it was my judgment of myself for having them in the first place.
So, question. I always like ending with a question.
‘If there was a way…to feel…at peace with your past and say…I gave you this magic crayon…and you can use it to re-write something that’s happened in the past and just, ‘this is what happened and now I feel better,’ what would have changed specifically about you for the outcome to be different?
So, if you could take this crayon. This magic crayon, go into the past and rewrite a memory, er, incident, what is it specifically about you that changed the outcome?
I like asking these questions because there’s not much more we can control outside of ourselves and the sooner we embrace that ‘truth,’ the easier life gets. I don’t want to say easier. The better life gets.
A lot of you are probably really good at weaving a bullshit story. I definitely am an expert at doing that. *laughs* So, catching myself before it gets..too long. You’re weaving that story? Stooooop. Stop it. It’t not worth it.”