An Unfortunate Series of Things

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They say do not panic. Try telling that to someone who lives daily with anxiety and panic disorder.

My biggest issue over the past weeks has been depression. There is no getting around the fact that when things get severe depression usually hits me.

I suffer, among other things, with seasonal affective disorder. April is generally a transitional month before my life picks back up. We are living in unusual times, and that means learning new things. Right now, anxiety is deciding that it’s going to fight for its own place in my life.

2019 was great for me as a human being from about May to November. I wrote the novel that I have been working on for years, and generally, my life was great. I had no real complaints. I was beginning to find my place and leaving my house more and more. Then the unimaginable hit me, I lost my mom, and with that loss, I lost myself. Depression was my friend for most of January and February, but I was getting out in the world.

March was supposed to be great, but as we all know, life changed. We had social distance ourselves more and more. Now it is getting even more restrictive to leave your house as things are not going so well out there in the world. My anxiety, already on its edge, has shot up over the last week. I have been dealing with intense panic attacks and anxiety that seems to have no end. I have been here before, oh so many times.

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I can admit the fear comes from the possibility of catching the coronavirus. It compounds my anxiety when I have to inevitably leave the comfort of my home. Sure, you can go weeks at a time without leaving, but eventually, you will need something essential and have to go out. You can wash your hands, carry hand sanitizer, and be as careful as you can, and it is no for sure thing you will not catch COVID-19.

Then there is the fear of if you can get things delivered. My medication was due this week, and my pharmacy is asking that we do only deliveries. There is real anxiety that, through no fault of their own other than the fact that they essential. That someone down the line had to deal with them that are infected with the virus. Even though I had no direct connection to the delivery driver, he or she has to be interacting with people. There is no guarantee they could not carry the virus. Perhaps if there is more testing it would be different, and maybe it would elevate some of my anxiety.

Fear can be a dangerous thing for our mental health, and if there was a good chance that the government actually cared, it would be different. I have never been much for giving into the types of fears. Things such as the coronavirus, it feels different. Like it is an inevitable thing that you can catch because, from some of what people that are working on the front lines, 1 in 3 people are carriers.

I wondered today, am I being irrational? I would like to hear from you.

As always, one last thing. If you have to go out into the world, make a plan, and limit yourself to exposure. Get items delivered if at all possible and make sure that you sat thank you to those who have to work in this crisis. If you see a nurse, paramedic, grocery store worker, delivery drivers, or anyone who still has to brave the world because they are essential, be kind. These people are the real heroes of this pandemic. Always stay safe.

Always Keep Fighting


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22 thoughts on “An Unfortunate Series of Things

  1. We went to town for the first time in 2 weeks yesterday and after being in a store with it’s six foot tape marks driving home the coronavirus reality for me…Major panic meltdown. My kid, bless her heart, did the worst thing anyone can do, which is say “Calm down.” Oh, how I hate that. If I could calm down, it would not be a crippling disorder.
    My depression has become so severe, I don’t see any hope out there. They bumped my psych appointment 3 weeks beyond when it should have been , insurance is haggling over paying for my refills and the pharmacy does not deliver to the boonies where we live…It;s scary, just bloody scary all around.
    So while I didn’t have a life altering loss as you did, I, too, struggle with anxiety, panic, seasonal depression, and full blown clinical depression so…whatever it is worth, you’re not alone. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • It is worth a lot to know that I am not alone. I am sorry your dealing with all that comes with a mental illness and then having to deal with extended psychatirc appointmenets. All my doctors have moved to on the phone. It sucks dealing with mental illness in these times. Stay strong and try to not llet the fear overwehlem you too much.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I can’t say that I share the fear of having things delivered because as of right now the world in my parts of Texas is still very much revolving. Nothing has changed it seems to me. If you want it done, you have to do it yourself here. People just out everywhere… I have a lot of anxiety as well (mine is due to PTSD mostly but other things as well), I’m struggling with doing every day tasks, going to work, grocery shopping (which I’ve actually quit doing, I’ve been blessed to have a caring significant other who has been doing all of the grocery shopping for me), interacting with people. I’m afraid of catching it and becoming really sick. I’m afraid of passing it to my partner and my kids, I’m afraid of what will happen to my family if I become sick and about a thousand other things. Social distancing is impossible for me because my job as a merchandiser involves working with the public. My anxiety has been so high. I’m extremely afraid to be anywhere but in my own home and every day that I’m in public my fear just grows. I wish I could be one of the millions of people (or so it seems) that have the, “If it happens to me, it happens to me,” mentality, but I’m not. I very much agree that fear is no good for mental health, especially when you already suffer from anxiety and depression, and it sounds crazy but right now what’s keeping me going is that a large percent of my job’s customer base right now is elderly people and I think it’s because they are getting lonely from staying home, I think the isolation is too much for them. So because mandatory shelter in place hasn’t been put into effect for my town and I very much still have to go to work, I try to tell myself that for our older customer base this may the only interaction with people that they have and that they may need it, even if it’s just a few kind words from a safe distance. It helps soothe my anxiety a bit but I still come home from work and cry every single day. I think you’re much safer in your home. I know it’s easier to say than to do, but try not to worry too much. There’s a lot of people reading your words who are here for you. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I can’t imagine having to do that everyday. Go out there in the world. I don’t consider myself lucky because others still have to go out there in the world. I live in California and it’s getting stricter ever day with sheltering in place. They just extended the state and my local county to May. So many people losing their jobs. But it’s those like you that have to still go out that makes this thing scary. Stay as safe as you can.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I didn’t think it would affect my life. There are barriers at the gas station counter. Walmart tries to distance people when they enter and leave by using carts as barriers. When I try not to think about it I am reminded when I go out. My job closed and placed me on temporary furlough for I don’t know how long.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am working from home so that helps and I have graduate school online. It’s just tough because in places like California they are getting stricter because it’s spreading so fast. It’s the daily grind just to know what you can and can’t do anymore.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I didn’t like my job but now I miss it. Minnesota has closed down non essential business and doesn’t allow large gatherings and wants people to stay home. Congrats on graduating

        Liked by 1 person

  4. While I don’t fear catching it myself, even though I am 55 so I’m in the risk category, I am more afraid of my daughter or husband getting sick , or anyone of my loved ones. I’m still grocery shopping but I wore a mask today . It’s not very bad in my town, but people do come here from the city. My biggest fear is that the economy will be destroyed. We have to be smart about this. Places where it is bad need to shutdown, but other places don’t. Hang in there, James. Praying for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • California is one of those places that is being hit hard. They are closing so many things like construction sites that many of the workforce need. The problem is people don’t want to lose their job because there is nothing really good in place when you lose you job and still have to pay rent. Food still needs to be bought. I do fear for my family. They are spread out and it’s a crazy world out there. Just a lot on my mind is leading to the fear.


      • Even people who don’t normally have anxiety are really struggling with all these changes and uncertainties. It’s a very difficult time. 😦 Try to keep in contact with real life friends and family if you can.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Yes my friend, I too, having CPTSD I feel things became heavier than they have in awhile this week. I actually was tested a week ago and then had to wait a full 5 days waiting for the results. At the drive through test site, the energy was intense and way too serious. I resisted having a full blown attack but interestingly enough the stuffing only worked so long before that attack did find it’s way out 24 hours later. I have learned lots about myself during this time. The only way I’m surviving this is because I established a solid morning routine awhile ago. It’s important to keep doing that because it helps ease my anxiety a lot. We are all in this together my friend ❤🙏

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m sorry you are feeling anxious. I feel the same way. It’s horrible. We are in this together. I try to distance my mind from the news and do things I love like yoga, writing, reading and blogging. You are not alone my friend 💖

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Panic is reasonable when there is a panic going on. This is not irrational panic. do understand that this is different. Usually when I panic it is because I am going over and over something that probably will never happen. You probably won’t get the virus but your thoughts are logical.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I have noticed that many people are experiencing episodes of anxiety and depression at this moment. This situation is very eye opening to many things in our life. Although, right now I am not experiencing any severe anxiety, I still have this feeling of being very depressed. Past traumas are finding themselves in my dreams and waking up to a feeling of nothing is plaguing me. I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy. We need to collectively hope for the positive; our manifestation will take us there.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I don’t much like shopping and going to the supermarket at the best of times and this is far from the best of times. Wearing gloves feels a bit like going to into a nuclear war with a shield and a spear (!) but it’s all we have I guess. Let’s hope that some lessons will be learned from this by our mandarins in charge.

    Liked by 1 person

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