It Has Been Three Months Today

/ James Edgar Skye
Photo by Tammy Gann on Unsplash

I have been living with the unimaginable for the last three months. I understand that death and losing the ones we love, especially our parents, is something that we all will deal with or have in this life.

I lost my mom on December 15, 2019, at 9:45 am, the exact time I began writing this blog post. I have talked about losing my mom, especially since my recent depression over the last week was this looming date. There is no getting around this, and I have not dealt well with the loss of my mother. I am somewhere around bargaining and depression in the grieving process. I had a lot of anger in December and January, but I have finally gotten to the depression stage.

Grief is grief, and so many people today are dealing with the loss of someone they love all over the world. My grief is nothing special. When it comes to mental illness, there is so much that can go wrong when it comes to dealing with depression-related grief. Those of us in the mental illness community have to be more vigilant because our depression could last for years.

Again, I am not saying that mentally healthy people do not deal with depression. Someone like me who is Bipolar can spiral quickly into extreme levels of depression very quickly. It is like quicksand, but the depression, which I call mine my dark passenger, can overtake you to unreal levels of depression and suicidal thoughts.

My Mom Was a Beautiful Soul

Photo by Jake Colling on Unsplash

At some point, I will be able to talk more about my mom and the amazingly beautiful person that she will always be in my heart. The one thing that is worth mentioning in this post is that I would not be here today without her.

In 2010, when I almost lost my life, it was my mother who finally had enough and made me promise to stop the destructive path that I was on for three years. I owe her everything that I have today because she believed in me. There would be no James Edgar Skye or The Bipolar Writer without my mother’s faith that I would get my life back. She always looked out for her family and me before her own problems, and that is what made her soul beautiful. My mother will always be an amazing woman.

I would be dishonoring her faith and belief if I were to spiral out of control right now. It would be so easy to give up on school and my writing, but I would never do that to her legacy. My mother brought me back from the brink when everyone else in my life gave up on me. So, even on my worst days with depression or anxiety in the future. I will remember all she taught me.

One thing I will always cherish is that she got to see my book published and for me to become an author.

Today is a somber day, but I am going to write and edit a story. Play some video games and relax since there are no sports at the moment. With that said, stay strong in the fight.

Always Keep Fighting (AKF)

James

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48 thoughts on “It Has Been Three Months Today”

  3. I lost mine on 21 February 2019 at 10 to 11 pm. I know how you feel and am treading the same path daily. I am now past the first year and it has got a little easier now the “firsts” are all past. I miss her desperately. hugs x

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  4. No words. I cannot say hang in there, or you’ve got this. Things like that do not seem productive or supportive. Like taking the sting away and motioning a person on. So I will say this: I love that you are writing about it. Processing in your own ways. I am glad you are self-aware and trying to care for you. Thank you for inviting us into your thoughts and if I can listen or whatever, I will. I will keep reading your meanderings and keep you in thought. Best – Joe

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    • Thank you Joe. Writing is my process and it has been therapeutic over the course of the last three months to write. I always prefer now to me open when writing my posts because I believe in being authentic. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts.

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      • Writing is also therapeutic for me. It helped me get through the loss of my father. My heart aches for you, especially as you go through this year. Thank you for sharing your journey.

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  8. What a difficult loss. I can hear the pain in your words. The only good news I can see about your stage of grief is that it means you are moving forward step by step through the process. You are part of your mom’s life work and you live on as a tribute to the amazing person she was (I haven’t met her, but I can tell by how you treat people kindly) Peace on your journey, Rebecca

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  9. I lost my dad this month and have lost my mum my grandad and older brother in the last ten years so I feel your pain and depression is as you write today, state of mind, if you want to chat anytime about it let me know 😊

    Great blog

    Mike

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  11. Hugs. Losing a parent is never easy. I wish I could say it gets easier, but it just changes. There are days when I miss my mom as much as the day I lost her. Hang on to the good memories, they see us through the dark times. Love, Peace and Light! Rita

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  13. There is an Italian quote “Finche te ne ricordi non muore nessuno” and it can be translated as “As long as you remember them, nobody dies.” This quote emphasises the importance of making great memories to remember and in fact, memories are what keeps us together. So, you are very lucky to have spent this much time and create memories with your mother. Your love for her and her love for you will never fade away. ^^

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  14. Beautiful post, James.
    I can really relate because my Dad died on January 25th.
    Grief is very unique to each individual and the “stages” don’t necessarily follow a linear sequence… they come and go and swirl around each other in spirals, and we do our best to keep moving forward in life, even though we are in incredible pain.
    I’m so sorry for your loss… and for mine.
    May you be protected and blessed throughout your grief journey.
    With much love,
    Teja

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    • I am sorry for your loss. Losing the ones that gave us life is hard to deal at times. The ups and downs are not the best but I am learning to get through them as best I can. For a while it was connecting with family again but now we are total isolation and it’s not helping me process. I have an abundance of time. Take care in your own grief journey.

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  15. I lost my Dad last year on March 23, 2019. It was hard, but he had so suffered so much with so many different illnesses and being on kidney dialysis the last five years of his life, that I’m thankful that he’s not suffering anymore. I prayed for him most of my life and he finally accepted the Lord in his heart shortly before he died, so I know that I will see him again and that gives me comfort. It sounds like your Mom was a believer also, so at least you know you will see her again. God bless you. Stay strong.

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  16. I lost my mom in 1994, just two weeks after meeting the man that would be my husband. It was very hard indeed, getting married, having children,…all the things a mom is supposed to be there for. In June 2018 I lost my husband. In July 2019 I lost my son. I have had more than enough loss and now with COVID-19 I am so afraid. One way to think of your mom is to think of her legacy. What would you want everyone to know about her if they asked?

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  17. What a beautiful tribute to your mother. I don’t know you, but I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my brother and father, and spent years in anger. Thank you for sharing your tribute to your mum.

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  19. I lost my mother 13 years ago. I dream about her dying often. This afternoon I woke up from a nap crying. It’s still so sore. It never goes away. Wishing you strength and peace.

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