Getting Back Out There.

I have had a lot of changes happen over the past ten years. Aside from the obvious (the big diagnosis), I have grown in my career, put myself in a mountain of debt, gained a couple of degrees, gained a lot more weight, and completely lost my self confidence.

I used to be so outwardly silly and carefree. I acted the same around everyone, regardless of how they acted towards me. I had more confidence. I was secure in who I was and what I looked like. I think with all of the work I have done on myself on the inside, I put off my physical health. I dread disappointing other people. Like they will see me as the ugly girl my friend brought along. Most of the time people don’t introduce themselves to me, look at me, include me in a conversation. They direct their attention to who I am with and if I try to include myself, they act as if I have been incredibly rude.

I know what some people are thinking and what they will most likely say, “don’t worry about people like that, they are jerks” or “If they act that way they are the ones losing out” or “they aren’t the kind of people you need around you then”. I completely agree. I am funny, I have a lot of interesting parts to me, I am more than what I look like, I am a good friend. It just sucks that it isn’t what starts a conversation.

Is it weird that I am concerned with inconveniencing others? Like, I have had guys that I am friends with on facebook ask me out (people I haven’t seen in person in years) and my first thought is that they will notice my weight gain. It isn’t that I hide it but I am not posting the most unflattering pictures of myself. I am concerned that I am not what people think I am. I am embarrassed when people mention that I am about to complete a degree and am afraid people will think that I am not that smart. I feel like I don’t really deserve the promotion at work I am desperately working towards, I don’t feel that I am good enough to date or be seen out with.

I feel like a fraud. I don’t know if that makes sense. But it feels right. It feels like it is how to describe how I feel and view myself. I know you can’t go walking up to people and dump all your baggage on them, but it sure would minimize the wasted time and heartache that I feel when it finally gets to that point. I want to say, “do you feel uncomfortable or not ready to understand bipolar?”, “do you understand that I am not 5’5 and 120 lbs”, “do you understand that I was not handed things and have more responsibilities than most people my age?”.

But I can’t. I can’t just put all the bad stuff out there beforehand. There is no sparing my feelings. I can’t just play it safe forever. I hate it. I just want to stay in bed. I want to go to work, come home, and be. I don’t really need interaction. I don’t desire to date. I am content. Not complacent. But I also wonder if I just feel this way because it is the only/easiest option.

4 thoughts on “Getting Back Out There.

  1. I know it’s hard to think about. Before and even now as I’m dating its become a constant struggle to figure out my worth. I don’t know any magic words to help you feel better but I’m am more than willing to be a friend to help you out when you feel like you need to talk. Sometimes just having someone to vent to helps. I hope you start to feel more positive soon!


  2. Life is full of ups and downs, growth and change. And weight fluctuation is a big part of my bipolar life. You can always get a grip on it once you’ve called yourself out and turn it around. I’ve gained and lost my confidence many times. You will get yours back again!


  3. Tough words to read, as I found some of them to hit uncomfortably close to home. As odd as it may seem on the surface, I say that you are quite possibly ahead of the curve when it comes to reclaiming that elusive feeling of joy we carelessly waste as children. From just this passage, I can deduce that you’re very in touch with who you are, and recognizing your own personality traits for better or worse. We tend to be our own worst critic, often being harsher on ourselves than anyone outside our heads could possibly be. Being content by yourself-not being weighed down by the compulsion to date for fear of loneliness- is a trait I hope you appreciate, as not all of us have emotionally matured enough to jump this hurdle yet.

    Oh yeah, and we’re all frauds, but that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve the best life we can live! Good luck out there, and thanks for sharing your thoughts.


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