This August was a happening month for me. I got everything that I had my hands on, was at the peak of happiness and wellness. Probably I have never been so productive in years as I have been this August – slept well, ate well, started gym, wrote poetry and blogs, attended workshops, sang songs and strummed my guitar and what not! But as I always believe: everything is temporary, so was my phase of happiness. Soon things turned chaotic, I began to lose composure and also, lost the ‘happy’ phase.
Phases of depression are cruel, you know. It jolts you, breaks you, kills you within but doesn’t let you die (even if you want to). It makes you suffer to the core but doesn’t let you escape from it; much like eternal damnation in hell. You know it will always be there till the last breath and you sort of learn to live with it but, don’t want to live with it at the same time. It gives you a ride to your worst self and makes you believe that that’s all you are. It leaves you with feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, discontent, and all that is negative.
Living with bipolar disorder isn’t easy, my friend. It throws the best and worst at you, and takes back both leaving you only with a feeble hope, hope that things will get better. As the ‘happy’ phase kicks in, it gives you all the positivity you could ever think of (or maybe, can’t even think of), fills you with so much vigour, vibrancy and enthusiasm, makes you feel like there’s nothing better but, soon depression ‘the sad phase’ slowly peeps in and takes away all at a gush. It replaces all the positivity with brutal negativity; all that was filled is now just a void, an endless void. You toss and turn, try to forget it like a bad dream but it throttles you by the neck and pushes you to the depth.
During the ‘happy’ phase you live with the fear of encountering a sad phase soon, and during a ‘sad’ phase you live with the hope of soon encountering a happy phase. Strange, isn’t it? But the best part about this swinging mood is, it gives you a taste of both happiness and sadness to the extreme. Just a consolation, I know.
Now that I’m down into the dumps, everything is a mess. My daily life is a big, big mess. My diet, sleep, daily activities, productivity, every single thing is messed up. Past haunts, present is clueless, future scares. But nevertheless, I’m living with the hope that ‘happy’ phase might soon kick in and my pain will then subside.
Maybe just the stars aren’t aligned….