I Don’t Want to Die But I Hate Living

/ James Pack

Sometimes I’ve thought about how others would react if I passed away. Everyone’s had that thought I’m sure. Wondering who would cry or who would attend the funeral. It’s hard not to imagine the church setting empty during your funeral. It was a long time before I felt people in my life would get upset if I died. I never thought of killing myself, but I never thought anyone cared if I was alive or dead. Finding the motivation to keep going every day with those thoughts can be difficult. I don’t know how I worked through that.

Now that I know people, I have people who would mourn my absence if I passed, I still struggle with motivation. I know those closest to me love me, but I’m not happy with my life. I’ve felt trapped in a hole for too long and there’s often no escape. I keep going somehow but I hate living. I hate that I can’t receive my basic needs. I don’t want to live in a world I can’t afford to live in. Will things turn around for me this Summer? At least I’m saving money but most of it will disappear if I don’t have a job in the fall.

I have many passions and many reasons to keep going. Pursuing those passions does not always sustain my finances. If anything, it costs more to be creative with little return. No appreciation. No support. It’s hard to continue doing what you love when no one loves you for doing it. I’m taking steps to change my situation. The future is still unclear, but I’m feeling positive. If I plan well enough, I can do what I love in a sustainable way. I can pay my bills with my passions.

It will be a long time before I’m 100% self-employed, but I can see the light at the end of tunnel. It’s years away, but I can see it. I don’t want to die because my goals are reachable. I don’t want to die because I never want to hurt my friends that much. I have many reasons to keep going. I’m holding on to all those reasons as long as I can. I’m forcing myself not to give up. My fear is what will cause me to give up. What will make me decide living is too much? I hope I never find out.

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12 thoughts on “I Don’t Want to Die But I Hate Living”

  3. I completely understand this thought process. Traversing this mortal coil is a difficult trek even with support. I suffer with depression and the stress of this world can be completely overwhelming. I will pray for you to uncover your purpose and talent! You are already changing lives!! Bless you!

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  4. I’ve had to quit reading blogs because of my eyes being strained and having double vision. I have special glasses now with a prism in them, but I still can’t read for long. That said, your title caught my eye. I see you suffer from PTSD. I do too, from my father molesting me and physically abusing me. I’ve always found life difficult or seemingly impossible.

    Living isn’t much fun when you ave PTSD. One of my sisters has it too and hates life with a passion. She would like to die, but is waiting on God for that. Ever since I was a child I have thought about death. I was sure I would die young. Each year has amazed me I’m still here. Lol. But that’s what happens when your life is threatened by family members.

    I guess I’m just writing to tell you you aren’t alone. It is awful to feel we are alone with these thoughts. I did find out that hope is what keeps people from giving up. If you ever feel there is no hope for you, run to God fast. He alone is my hope now and he is enough.

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  7. It sounds like you have a solid plan and goals and perspective. I have experienced frustrations with goals that were not achieved and not being able to get those things I wanted but life has a way of being beautiful and worth living regardless of the things that happen to us or that we do not achieve. Each day is intrinsically worthwhile and full of lessons. At least that’s my feeling (today anyways :)).

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