Depression & Anxiety Returns

/ Megan

My title sounds like a bad sequel in a movie franchise that will not die. I’m trying to keep it light hearted since I’ve really been struggling today.

My mental health has been doing so well for the past few months. I’ve been able to think clearly, function normally and even step outside of my regularly scheduled programming. It’s been great! I’ve been proud of myself even!

But of course all great things must end.

Yesterday my anxiety began to gnaw at my stomach during work. Then the thoughts started buzzing around in my mind as I started worrying about upcoming changes in my life. I also made two mistakes yesterday and today that brought out my depression.

Anxiety was the opening act and now depression has come out to sing a duet. It’s kinda of like in “Camp Rock” when Demi Lovato is singing “This is Me” then Joe Jonas comes to finish the song with her. (I got to see this happen twice in concert in 2008, it was so awesome!)

I can’t focus.
I am stuck in my mind.
I want to hide in my room for the next century. At least it’s safe in there.

It’s amazing how individuals with mental illness can be fine one moment then something happens and our worlds are crashing down around us. Our minds only push us down instead of being able to rationalize and pick ourselves up.

These are the moments I wish I didn’t have a broken brain.

I wish I could brush stuff off but I can’t all of the time. Lately I’ve been mentally stable enough to do that but today I can’t.

I don’t want to go through the misery of a depressive episode. I don’t want my anxiety to be taunting me again. I have enjoyed the peace for months, I’m not ready to give it up.

What about you guys? How’s your mental health been lately? Whether it’s been good or bad, please leave me a comment! I love chatting with you guys in the comments 🙂 It always makes me feel better about life. Like maybe I’m not so alone after all.

107 thoughts on “Depression & Anxiety Returns”

  1. I’m sorry your depression and anxiety have returned. The mood roller coaster isn’t fun at all. I wish I had the answers, but I don’t. I’m just a weirdo on the internet who can relate. My own mental health is pretty shit, so you’re not alone in that respect.

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    • Hahaha I appreciate your humor, Sour Girl! The mood roller coaster is honestly hell. I often wish that we could all get off of that ride. Thank you for commenting!

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  2. Our mental and physical state need to reflect the EKG reading of our hearts. As those “ups” and “downs”, keep us balance.
    So in the word of Micheal Bublé 🎙
    “Hold on, and never let go”

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    • I don’t know much about biology so I don’t know what you’re talking about regarding EKG (because idk what that means). Could you please explain?

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      • Electrocardiography, it’s a process/test that shows you the rhythm of your heart. It usually looks like a line that goes up and down. If the line is flat, that means your heart stops beating. If the line goes up and down, then you’re alive

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  3. You are not alone. My anxiety has been trying to creep up on me for days, due to some changes in my routine that I can’t help thinking most people would take in stride, or even welcome. But you know what? I’m sick of comparing myself to “most people” and I’m super sick of trying to fix myself or run away from my uncomfortable feelings, so I’ve decided I’m just gonna accept that this is what is happening right now, and that’s that. I can handle it. I’ve survived every episode before this. I don’t know how it’s going to look or feel like, I’ve never just told my anxiety “Hey, I see you! Lets hang out until you get bored and leave.” but I might as well try it, right? Hope you feel better soon.

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    • I totally understand. Even the smallest change can send my anxiety into overdrive too. Comparing yourself to others never makes anybody feel good. It can be so challenging to turn the comparisons off.
      I’ve yelled at my depression once. I was in my car going to work and I felt the dread filling up in my chest. So I said out loud, “Hey depression! Nobody likes you, go away!” And it made me feel a lot better.

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  5. I definitely can relate to this. I’m bipolar and suffer from anxiety as well. I also have fibromyalgia. I have my good days and bad days as we all do. I hope things start to look up for you. 🙂

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  6. Glad I read this post today. I can feel everything creeping back up on me all while I am at work. Especially frustrating because I tend to beat myself up for “complaining” to my boyfriend or loved ones about what I am having anxiety about. It is as if my anxiety knows the exact wrong times to strike. Being around a lot of people makes it even worse, it’s as if the voices inside get louder and heavier. Definitely a scary feeling and is always the worst when you were having a really good streak of happiness. I am sorry you feel this way and I hope that it is short lived and that you will get your happy days back in no time.

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  7. Megan, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I am sad to report that I can very much relate. I seem to routinely go through these in the worst of times. I start to get into a routine and everything starts to feel comfortable, and then all of the sudden I start to feel very much trapped in a world that I created for myself. Having supportive people around me during this time definitely helps, but it can be hard to cope regardless since they can’t heal your pain. I start wanting to make silly decisions based on impulses to feel more alive and sometimes that isn’t even enough. From a fellow human being to another, I hope you feel better.

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  8. I can relate so much to this. One day I will be totally fine, out and about doing as many activities as possible and the next day I will be too anxious to leave my room and lose all motivation. We all have our good and bad days. The most important thing to remember is you are most definitely not alone! Wishing you all the best!

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  9. Mental health has been weird lately. I think there was too much going around me lately that I numbed it, now i’m sitting here sitting with it and feeling it all. I am back, but so is everything. but that’s okay, I should love each part, emotion and thought of me or that comes from me.

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  11. My anxiety has been up and down. Each day I wake up, I never know if it’s going to be a good day or not. I just accept it when my anxiety creeps up on me. I don’t know how to feel any differently

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    • I feel you on that one. Sometimes I can sense how the day will pan out from the moment I wake up. Either a knot in my stomach or an emptiness in my chest.
      Rolling with the punches is sometimes all we can do. Get through each day one at a time. I hope that you find balance in your anxiety! Thank you for commenting, Michelle!

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  12. I’m climbing out of the downward spiral that had me clutched for well over a year. Situational changes and a change to a medication have worked together for this improvement. But as you say, it is cyclical, so I’m not going to take this uptic for granted.

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    • That great news that you’re doing better! I hope you continue to feel better so you can feel like yourself again. Thank you for commenting, M. Oniker!

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  13. Aww bless you it’s so hard when you have had days weeks or even months that have been good then bam it’s back to bite you in the arse . I to am struggling right now and just don’t know how to get a little part of me back every time I’m seem to take steps forward i seem to then take more back and don’t actually feel like I’m getting anywhere I would love to here how and what helps others in times like this ???

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    • I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through such a tough time! I definitely understand the one step forward, two steps back situation. I think my only words of wisdom are to be kind to yourself. Be proud of your accomplishments no matter how small and be gentle when you have bad days.

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  14. Sorry that you’re having such a hard time. You’re definitely not alone though. I can be trucking along in a pretty good place and, all of a sudden, the bottom will fall out. I have been okay lately but do have days that are harder to get through than others. My mind never stops and it is overwhelming and confusing most of the time. I pray that we both get some relief and peace in the midst of all this.

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    • Thank you, Kevin! It can be so hard when your mind can’t stop racing from thought to thought. I’ve been struggling with that as well. I hope you stay in good spirits!

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  15. Here’s a poem for you. Along the lines of the ECG reply:

    Uses of the dark

    She was getting there
    she said, in response
    to my enquiry,

    neither of us sure
    where ‘there’ was;
    presumably the same

    place we are all getting
    at various times
    and paces.

    Stars? Who knows?
    she said,
    peering up

    at them peering down
    through a sky laced
    with sodium.

    The light you can see
    but the dark comes
    in disguise,

    with its scaffold of ladders
    metal uprights,
    duckboards;

    it is an inspection chamber
    to the mind’s city
    of moth holes,

    but can also be used
    to test
    solidity.

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  17. I’m not sure what it is about the summertime that always has me feeling this way! the sun is out why am I still feeling so depressed??!! But I am glad to hear I am not the only one even though I am sorry you are going through it!

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  18. Mines been bad for a whole year thought it was just stress but now I’m stressing is something more physical going on.

    Anyways, seems like people with anxiety see things so similarly. I recently took a meyers Briggs personality test and got INFJ I still need to learn about it but apparently it’s the rarest out of the 16 personality types making us so different from everyone and I am curious to know if most with anxiety are INFJs as well.

    Sorry for my random 2 cents. I’m sleep deprived, in pain and losing my mind to anxiety.

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    • Thank you for commenting, Samipeculiar! Hmmmmm it’s possible but I’m not sure. I haven’t taken the test in a few years but I am an ENFP. I know a few INFJs but I have no idea about their mental health. You could totally look into it though! You could find something interesting.

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  19. Sorry to hear about your mental health, I don’t wish that on anyone. I really hope things get much better for you! My mental health is kind of going through a high right now and boy am I hoping the low isn’t too bad… by the way you lived my dream in 2008 lol

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  20. You are definitely not alone, everything you described is exactly how i feel more often than i’d like to. It’s hard, it’s tough but remember how much better you feel when you push yourself. Every little bit helps.

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  21. I wish I could say that I have had months of peace. It feels like I might get a few weeks and then back to the start. My solace is knowing that depression makes me more empathic to those around me. When you know paid and sadness you can see it in others and try to help them.

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  23. I had anxiety attack 5/7/19 so bad I thought I was having a heart attack. I truly did not know that they could get that bad. I was just sitting talking with my sister and kids and it happen out of no where. The tightness of my chest. My arm, neck, ears, and throat seem to have to much pressure that I begin to have shortness of breath. Immediately I went to the hospital and the first think they do is run EKG and chest, neck, and back X-rays. I was in so much pain I couldn’t move. (Update)Everything came out normal but I was still in pain. Blood pressure going up and down. Had to give me aspirin when I first got there. Then I hour later 2 Valium. Discharge a hr later with muscle relaxers and steroids arthritis in my neck 😳😔until I see my primary physician.
    #AnxietyzIsScary

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    • Crystal, I’m sorry for not replying sooner! I have also been experiencing anxiety attacks but not as intense as yours. My heart goes out to you, that must have been so terrifying! Have you seen your doctor yet to talk about how to help prevent these attacks? I hope you’re doing better!

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      • Hey Megan yes I have I’m in the process of seeing a couple doctors do to my illness and they started me on some meds today. Give or take 1 to 4 weeks for improvement though so I’m giving it a try. Some people don’t like to take meds and deal will the anxiety on a daily I can not it’s very tragic for me. Thanks for replying back keep the articles coming.

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      • Best of luck to you thought this medicine journey! It took me months to find the right antidepressant so don’t give up even if it feels like nothing will help.
        There’s no shame in taking medicine to get better. Even if people give you shit, it’s your journey, not theirs!

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  24. There’s that feeling i get,like my insides are literally being tied up in tight knots and suddenly i’m numb. Then the hope that when they’re untied,they won’t be so painful lingers. And i know that probably it might be worse,or the actual end of me,but then again it’s all disrupted by the ringing in my head. It won’t stop. It’s a hell made in my head,but i still smile and try so much to look okay but behind closed walls,i lose myself

    I hope we all over-come the demons in us soon.

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    • I don’t think we will either. If somebody hasn’t experienced it it makes sense that it would be hard for them to understand. Doesn’t give anybody the excuse to be ignorant or insensitive though!

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    • That sucks you’re stuck in a mental health slump! I hope that you can find some light in the small things that you enjoy (like your favorite song coming on the radio when you turn on your car). I also hope that you find some strength in this community. You’re not alone in feeling awful. I’m right there with you.

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    • I’m sad to hear that! I hope that you can find some positive moments in each day, even if it’s something small like drinking out of your favorite glass. In my darkest moments, it seems to be those little things that truly make an impact.
      I am rooting for you! You are a strong person who can get through this difficult time!

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  29. Sorry to hear this. Mine has returned with a bang also. I’m so up and down lately and feel so alone sometimes! My partner struggles to understand me and know what I want but I don’t know either which makes it even harder!

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    • It’s hard when your partner doesn’t understand mental illness. I hope there is some way you can explain to them that it’s not as easy as it may seem. I hope that you are well soon!

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  31. I totally get what you’re saying. I’ve been dealing with mental health issues so long that I have no idea what makes me actually happy anymore. I would love a good way to break out of the cycle of depression and anxiety that isn’t medication.

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    • That’s really challenging. Have you considered therapy? A combination of therapy and medicine are what have helped me get to a good place. Thanks for commenting!

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  36. While all good things must end, so must all bad things. That’s what gets me through my worst days. Better is coming, the sun will not be behind the clouds forever, and you will smile again with a new and more deep joy.

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  37. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings and emotions with us. I all too well understand the peril of anxiety. You know what has helped me? A specific bible verse Philippians 4:6,7 I wish you nothing but positivity and peace like that of an ocean. Enjoy your day!

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  38. I’m coming down from a month of anxious feelings and anxiety attacks mostly caused by fear of the unknown and looking for a house and new job. It’s been smooth sailing for the past 2 weeks and I’m so thankful. Thanks for sharing your story, it’s always nice to see that no one is ever alone.

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    • You’re definitely not alone in that! I’m actually in the house buying process and it’s got me feeling super anxious too. Thanks for commenting, Megan!

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  40. I can relate to it totally
    For many days I’ll be fine but suddenly on a certain day I think about something like the work which is pending and it will bother me day and night.
    I’ll get panicked

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  41. As humans, our emotions make simple things so complex.

    Could it be possible that we embrace the depression? Kind of like what Bruce Banner and the Hulk did in Avengers Endgame. Maybe if we work together with our dark emotions rather than treat it as some form disease we’ll be able to find strength instead of weakness.

    Just a thought.

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  42. I can dig the camp rock association. But, I’m sorry about your depression and anxiety. I know it’s rough. Stay strong. I’m sending love and positive energy in your direction.

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  44. Thank you for sharing. What has helped many of my friends is knowing God fully understands how our upbringing, experiences in life, and genetic makeup influence our outlook and emotions and as result he is therefore able to supply needed comfort and support…..in the meantime we will wait the time when God promises he will heal us of all our illnesses, physical or mental. “No resident will say: ‘I am sick,’” says Isaiah 33:24.

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  46. “I can’t focus.
    I am stuck in my mind.
    I want to hide in my room for the next century. At least it’s safe in there.”

    I felt that on a deep level.

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