Life Has to Kick Me Down a Few Times Before I’ll Succeed

Life has thrown me more curve balls lately. I have four jobs; 2 are part-time, 2 are on-call. The on-call jobs don’t always have work. I say what days I can work, and they choose all the people they need. I get work once a month if I’m lucky. The part-time jobs only offer so many hours each week. What this boils down to, I barely make enough money to survive. Adding insult to injury, the state and federal governments kept my tax refund this year.

They kept the money for student loans. While unemployed for almost half the year, I had a deferment but that finished last month. First payments are due in March, but they kept my refunds anyway. The number they tell you to call, just an automated system that never lets you talk to a person. Literally, it told me I had four debts, nothing else, and the call ended. I filed for a forbearance, but I doubt I’ll get my refunds. Why does any of this matter?

The money from my tax refund would pay my psychiatry bill and dental bills. Until I figure things out, I canceled all my appointments because I’ll have enough to pay rent but nothing else. I’m waiting on approval for nutrition assistance. My car battery died. I’ll wait a week before someone can give me a jump because of scheduling issues. I don’t use my car much so I’m not worried. When I told my sister about some of my struggles and she offered this statement, “You’ll figure it out.” Super supportive.

I know I’ll figure things out, but I feel stuck in a pattern I can’t break. I thought seeing a doctor would help, but I can’t afford one. Over the last 11 years my annual income averaged about $18,000. I attended college during some of that time, but even after college I feel stuck in the same hole. Every attempt to climb out has failed or brought more obstacles; too many to overcome.

I’m stuck between finding a crap full-time job and trying to continue building my writing career. There are few jobs in my city for writers and fewer remote jobs for writing. I’ve applied to many and never get responses. I’ll keep applying. When will I make enough money to survive? I struggle with meeting new people and building relationships, but I can’t work on that until I’m not stressed about where my next meal comes form or if I can pay rent. Welcome to the great America with an expensive existence.

9 thoughts on “Life Has to Kick Me Down a Few Times Before I’ll Succeed

  1. Hugs. Income inequality is among the worst – if not the worst – in the U.S. Mental health care is poorly funded and out of reach for so many Americans. These things are not okay. Don’t e too hard on yourself- the system itself truly isn’t designed to help the majority of Americans.


  2. This so resonanted with me as someone who has also experiences a succession of losses. Last year I lost two jobs, my college enrollment due to non-payment, filed for social security disability at the age of 29, and am also on food support. All I know for sure is you have to keep striving for your goals. I call myself a professional problem solver, because it’s always something, isn’t it? Im so sorry you’re feeling so overwhelmed and isolated. ♡


  3. Same boat with not planning for problems. Back when I first tried to start going to therapy I was actually feeling a lot better. Then I got the bill and was in debt for the next three months. Not knowing if I would be able to buy food. Not being able to afford toothpaste. Simple things made more hard because they wanted to bill me $70 for a hour session. I often think it shouldn’t be so expensive to receive help you so desperately need.


  4. You have amazing resilience to cope with so much and you express yourself really well. If you combine both, you could be a great support to others who are struggling. Could you deliver writing classes at your library or at a resource centre, it’s usually voluntary but it could help you make connections and contacts that could help open more doors. Keep going… Le grà, Marie


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